Conference turris::womannotes-v1

611.0. "Holiday Lightening" by FDCV03::ROSS () Tue Dec 22 1987 09:25

In the hopes of adding a little gaiety to this Holiday Season, I'm
posting this not-so-very-serious treatise, which I found tacked up on
one of the cork boards in my office area.

While much of it is tongue-in-cheek, there probably are some traits
mentioned, with with we can *most of us* identify:
  
  Alan
    
      
      
    		NEWS BULLETIN - Men and Women Are NOT Alike!!!!
    
    Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
    After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics,
    these facts have emerged:
    

    RELATIONSHIPS:
    	
    First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship-
    he refers to it as "that time me and Carol was doing it on a
    semi-regular basis".  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry
    and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a
    poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on with her
    life.  A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after
    the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
    say "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
    never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But
    I want you to know there's always a chance for us".  This is known
    as the "I hate you/I love you" drunken phone call, that 99% of all
    men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that
    offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
    rarely prove effective.


    SEX:
    
    Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-45 seconds
    of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of
    the foreplay.
    
    MATURITY:
    
    Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
    function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
    cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why
    high school romances rarely work.
    
    HANDWRITING:
    
    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
    chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they
    dot their "I's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously
    large loops in their "P's" and "G's".  It is a royal pain to read
    a note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
    smiley face at the end of the note.
    
    BATHROOMS:
    
    A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
    shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
    Inn.  the average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom
    is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

    GROCERIES:
    
    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
    and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in
    his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he
    goes grocery shopping.  He buys everyting that looks good.  by the
    time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter
    than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this
    will not stop him from going into the 10-items-or-less lane.

    GOING OUT:
    
    When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
    out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL
    be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
    putting on her makeup...

    CATS:
    
    Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
    looking, men kick cats.

    OFFSPRING:
    
    Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
    about soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods 
    and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some
    short people living in the house.
    
    DRESSING UP:
    
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
    garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will
    dress up for: weddings, funerals.
    
    DAVID LETTERMAN:
    
    Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
    Earth.  women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has 
    a bad haircut.
    
    LAUNDRY:
    
    Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
    of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
    eight years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he is finally
    out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent
    a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men
    always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is
    a myth.

    WEDDINGS:
    
    When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
    Men talk about "the bachelor party".
    
    SOCKS:
    
    Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standards white sweatsocks.
    Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
    pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
    
    NICKNAMES:
    
    If Gloria, Carol, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch,
    they will call each other Gloria, Carol, Deborah, and Michelle.
    But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
    affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
    Brain and Useless.

Have we men got our stuff together, or what?   8^{)