Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    
    	Anger and Irratation, as your response to the world around you,
    will only bring out the very same in others. By being this way,
    you draw those who are around you into it, and invoke a like response
    in them. Believe it or not, you hurt yourself and others - just
    as much - when you take offense as when you give offense! This is
    not to say that you just let atrocity "go by" ignored; you simply
    modify your personal emotional reaction to it.
    	You'll never effect any positive change to the system - or the
    people who are running it - unless you can love them unconditionally
    despite their actions which anger you so now. Sounds tough, eh?
    It is. But when another observes you doing this - operating yourself
    on a higher ground of sorts - you draw them into your space, just
    like you did in showing anger, only this time they get a taste of
    what it's like to be above all that emotional nonsense. People will
    start asking you "how do you *do* that?!?". They'll see that NOTHING
    sways your complete devotion of all your energy to your particular
    issue, no matter what anyone says or does. Your effectiveness takes
    a quantum leap upward. And the people around you reflect the glowing
    warmth of your new attitude. Things start falling into place as
    if they were "meant to happen". It self-propogates geometrically
    among all those you spend time with. Could go around the world.
    	I'm 30 years old now and have never been in a "fight" in the
    classical knock down drag out sense. I guess there's one exception,
    with a close freind of a few years ago. Her idea of a good time
    at a party was to start one -
    
    	Joe Jas
     

    
    Dear Liz,
    
           Dwell On The Gladness
    
       Life is too short
       to dwell on your sorrows,
       to harbour your grudges
       in bitter tomorrows.
    
       Life is too short
       to dwell your pain
       to play and replay
       some vengeful fefraim.
    
       Life is too sweet
       to waste precious minutes
       in nursing resentment
       self-righteousness in it.
    
       Then, let you not dwell
       on life's sorrow and sadness,
       but of life's blessings,with gladness!

    A lot of us feel similar anger and subjects which are near and dear
    to us bring out justifiable rage.
    
    I try very hard to remember that there will not be a perfect world
    but I can hope for a better one.
    
    I can light one little candle.
    
    And this conference can be a little better if I put a face on my
    terminal.  It is quite interesting that there was such friendliness
    at the party Friday night.  Maybe that is good, maybe we can let
    it all hang out here and still break bread.  But it would be even
    better if we learned to fight fair.  People have been talking to
    each other for thousands of years.  We have been communicating by
    the written word for a long time also.  Talking has had the barrier
    of dealing with another person, writing takes time and motivation.
    Telephone conversations are somewhat easier not having to face the
    individual but this mode of communication still has instant feedback.
    
    But communication by a terminal.  What a beast we have created.
    For those of us who can type we can express ideas as fast as we
    can think....and within moments those ideas spill out for hundreds
    to read, assimulate and react.
    
    This morning the Pearle Vision ad said "Nobody knows eyes better
    than Pearle".  
    
    If I were to say "Nobody knows child support issues like I do" I
    might get a lot of flack.  Am I going to give Pearle Vision flack?
    Probably not, I would have to find their address, type a letter,
    insert it in an envelope, buy a stamp, and maybe it wouldn't be
    worth it.
                                            
    Maybe the value of the conference is just knowledge and the sharing
    of opinions.  I know I prefer the editorials of my peers than those
    of the Boston Globe.
    
    

    re .1 and .2
    PLEASE don't ask me not to be angry. my anger is valid. my emotions
    are part of me. by saying that i "shouldn't" be angry, that i should
    be something else, you are telling me that i'm an invalid person.
    (in fairness, i do realize that you both meant well -- you're trying
    to show me that there are other ways of looking at the world. i
    don't think i walk around spitting anger and letting steam come
    out of my ears. i do manage to function pretty well. so i do appreciate
    your good intentions.)
    
    aren't you upset by some of the issues i've listed? my point is
    that we can USE our anger to good effect. we can band together and
    evolve something better, even if it's on a small scale. or we can
    continue to bicker and never deal with the issues that are of real
    importance. we have the power to choose. we have the power to support
    or to isolate each other.
    
    in peace (not in anger)
    liz

    
    
              I've often been tossed by life's treacherous sea,
              but the calm in my soul made a survivor of me.
    
              I've fallen into the thoes of despair, only to find that
              my lord met me there.
    
              I've successfully reached those high mountains tops,when
              the kind hand of God removed all the stops.
    
              I've never lost sight of that small patch of blue, and
              inevitably found God's love shinning through.
    
                                                 poiet Catherine Janssen

    
    
        Liz, I would like to support wholeheartedly your anger. It is
      beautiful. Like a delicate flower which grows forthrightly through
      the crack in the sidewalk. 
    
        Reading this note so far has been interesting. It began like
    powerful and colorful and righteous fireworks, and fizzled into
    I don't know what.
        
      I hope I can express myself clearly about what I am about to
    say, so bare with me.
     
        The problem seems to me to be our inablily ( "civilized"
    western/American society) to handle/allow/acknowledge emotion as
    not only a part of the human condition, but a healthy part of the
    human being. Yes healthy. Anger exists just as joy does. To deny
    it leads to dysfunction. To repress it only causes it to build and
    eventually lead it to either be discharged inappropriately, or to cause
    desease!!!  There are too many people dying of diseases caused by
    repression, to avoid it any longer.
        
        We confuse anger with abuse!! They are two separate things!!
    liz has every right to be angry at the injustice which EXISTS. She
    expressed it directly and extemely elequently without abusing anyone.
    Anger is powerful. Full of energy for action.
    
        She did not say lets go out and beat up the oppressors, abuse
    them, or anything like it. How we handle making changes (strategy
    etc.) has nothing what so ever to do with how we FEEL (and important
    here) how we ALLOW ourselves and EACH OTHER to feel about the things
    which we are cmpelled to want to change.
    
        The other problem is, that as womem, we have been taught, that
    we have even less of a right to have the energy which comes about
    from clear thinking and clearly feeling (nevermind expressing) what 
    has been catagorized as "unpleasant" emotion. We have been taught
    to worry all of the time whether we are hurting people's feelings.
    All this has taken away women's energy to act on what they see,
    or caused us to misdirect our anger (i.e. at each other).
    
        Not to belittle Jesus's teachings which has influanced the western
    world, (he taught love, how can anyone object to such a wonderful
    thing) But he also said to turn the other cheek. He died on the cross
    for god's sake. How many of us are going to die on the cross (without
    the recognition he got) for nothing, because we quietly withstood
    injustice/abuse on all levels, just to avoid further "unpleasantness."
    Repression of the truth DOES NOT avoid further unpleasantness. It
    only perpetuates it. (Which is what I think Liz is ultimately saying)
    Are you?
                                                                         
        Furthermore we need not be so worried about hurting people,
    that worry is the negative part; because ultimately if our MOTIVATIONS
    are good, it will be felt. 
        I do think we need to support/validate each other in ALL of
    our wonderful splenderous human selves not just the "pleasant decorum"
    part; 
    
        More at some other point
    
        dk
        

    Someone very close to my family was an abused child and one thing
    I am learning is that I *can't* know what it was like - I cannot
    be a child again, be raped by family, then grow up all over again
    with that burden.  What I'm learning, in trying to support this
    person, is that in order to get past the anger, it's necessary
    to go through it.  Before it can be let go of, it must be expressed;
    to bury it can have devastating results.
    
    I, with my "normal" upbringing, sometimes have a very difficult time 
    expressing and letting go of anger.  I am coming to find that I
    have it easy in comparison to someone who grew up in a dysfunctional
    household.  One thing I'm trying to learn is how to allow this
    person to express anger safely - how to not get "hooked" into believing
    that I am always the true target of the anger - so that the rage
    can be brought out into the open.  It seems that the admission of
    anger and the subsequent ownership of it are critical and necessary
    parts of the theraputic process of letting it go.
    
    Steve
    

    Re .0
    
    Liz, I admire you for saying, out loud (key clicks :^)), that you
    are angry, and why.  I wish I could come to grips with everything
    I'm angry about.
    
    Elizabeth

    re changing things
    
    I keep wondering about how to use my anger to change things.
    One way has been to work at heightening awareness of the wrongs.
    
    I saw "Still Killing Us Softly" this weekend, and they mentioned
    that this film, and others on rape, incest, harrassment, are available
    in Cambridge.  I would love to see some of those films and I wonder
    if there is any group in DEC which would provide an appropriate
    forum.  Failing that, what about finding a place, renting the videos,
    and having people (such as contributors to this conference) pay
    a couple bucks to see them.
    
    I don't know about you Liz, but helping with something like that
    would help me feel I am working towards fixing the problem.
    
    Lee

RE: liz

I know what you mean about anger.  I used anger quite a bit during my divorce to
keep me going.  But that use it's only use, to keep me fighting, to keep me
going.  And it was very hard not to let that anger spill over into the rest of
me, and consume and corrupt me.

Once you are moving again, you can think about whether *you* want to be angry
the rest of your life.  I don't.  It is possible to accept that you are angry,
and leave it at that. 

Now, I really think that now that you are moving, you must do something positive
with *you*.  Not with your anger, but with yourself.  As Joe Jas said ...

Christ said turn the other cheek.  But he said to do it with love.  He did not
say to do it passively, in submission.  Do it conciously, let the other person
now that you do it knowingly, conciously; that you do it out of strength, and
not out of weakness.

RE: .9

Do you view your idea as a positive step?  What is it's goal?  Or do we already
know what these movies will tell us?

Jim.

re: .9 (Lee)
    
>  I keep wondering about how to use my anger to change things. One way
>  has been to work at heightening awareness of the wrongs.

    The important thing about being angry (and staying so) is that it
    helps, even forces, one to do something. I've always thought that this
    group could use its collective anger at the injustices in our society
    to do something to right those wrongs. There's never been much support
    for that, however. 
    
    Anger isn't just screaming and yelling and beating people up. That's
    just how some people deal with their anger. 

>  I saw "Still Killing Us Softly" this weekend, and they mentioned
>  that this film, and others on rape, incest, harrassment, are available
>  in Cambridge.  I would love to see some of those films and I wonder
>  if there is any group in DEC which would provide an appropriate
>  forum.  Failing that, what about finding a place, renting the videos,
>  and having people (such as contributors to this conference) pay
>  a couple bucks to see them.

    We didn't get to see that movie, and were sorry we missed it. If
    they're on video, it should be easy to find someone with a big living
    room, and a big TV screen, and make the next womannotes party be one to
    watch some movies. Who else is interested? I'd really enjoy having
    discussions *in*person* with people from this group, instead of typing
    them out.

    					-- hs

    re .10
    
    Yes, I think it would be, even if it is "only us" who see them;
    we all like to have the right facts to back us up, I often like
    to have "better words" and more examples to use when talking to
    someone who thinks "sexism is a thing of the past".
    
    I would like it even better if we could show these films to people
    who aren't so "turned on" to feminist issues, but I can't really
    think of a good way to do that.
    
    re .11 
    
    I think that would be super, Hal.  Failing locating a house, I wonder
    if DEC would allow us to use their resources (after hours, of course).
    
    Lee

    I've seen the original "Killing Us Softly", but didn't get to see
    the sequel yet.  I would be willing to arrange a showing if it's
    available on tape.  My church in Bedford, Mass. would be a good
    place to have a pot luck supper, watch the tape and then discuss
    it.  If I were to do this, I would like to extend the invitation
    to people from the UCOUNT::MOVIES conference, members of the film
    discussion group that meets at my church, and anyone else that's
    interested.  We could do this sometime in February.  Let me know
    what you think.
     

    Thanks for the idea!  My plant (NPO, a.k.a. Mother Maynard, the
    Mill, etc.) has a very active Valuing Differences program
    going and one part of it is an item called Video Lunch.  My
    group (Human Resource Planning & Development) sponsors a
    lunchtime showing of a video (so Production workers can attend),
    with a lunch tossed in to sweeten the pot.  
    
    The lunch is easy to figure, but we're always in the market
    for a good video (good = of importance to the the plant's
    overall objectives *and* interesting enough to draw people
    in on their lunchtimes).  Sounds like the two "Killing Me. . ."
    videos might be good possibilities.  If we should bring those
    two in, I'll post the fact here.  Although we exist "to serve
    the units of NPO", other groups can book our training areas
    (tho' we have an "us first" rule) and use our resources, including
    our video eqpt. and library.
    
    T'anx again,
    
    Steve
    

    
    many of you read my first three paragraphs and immediately decided
    to "help" me. (a few people have treated this almost as a moral
    issue, but that's not the kind of help i'm referring to).
    many questions come to mind about the strong pattern i've seen in
    this kind of support. suffice it to say that i'm touched by those
    of you who've taken the time to let me know that they hurt for me.
    
    i'd like to go beyond "making liz feel better" and start to work
    (again, at the risk of irritating some) on the issue of "healing
    the community". things have seemed better in the last few days;
    we seem to have arrived at a vigorous simmer. i'd like to encourage
    all of us to continue working toward this end. i like the idea of
    a "movie party". it seems like a good way to start talking. how
    else can we come together? what else can we do to heal ourselves?
    
    not to detract from this message, more on me and anger follows the
    formfeed...
    
    
    for those who don't know me, i'm not the type of person who punches
    holes in doors and has steam coming out her nose. in fact, i've
    learned lots about dealing with anger over the last few years. back
    in the days when i denied any relationship to anger at all, i had
    frequent migraines (two or three a week). i walked around with a 
    crease in my forehead. my voice cracked and whined constantly. i
    cried easily because i had so much stored up inside. i've stopped
    doing a lot of that (i haven't had a migraine now in over a year,
    for example). so i believe that i'm better off now than i was, say,
    four years ago. amazingly, i've accomplished this (with help, of
    course), by accepting and understanding the anger. 
    
    please keep reading, processing and talking.
    
    liz

    Bonfire.  Signal fire.  Cooking fire.  Needfire.  Watchfire.
    Candle.  Forest fire.  Firestorm.
    
    Anger is a fire.  Make it into the fire that serves you best.
    
    							Ann B.

    I'd be interested in the movie party too.

   I would also be interested in a movie party.
    
    And Steve--your video lunch sounds like a great idea.  Let us know
    how that turns out.
    
    -Tracy
    

    I'll call up Cambridge Documentary for a list of videos and their
    cost.
    
    Lee

    I've just passed the info. on the two videos to the person
    in charge of that section of our dept.  Initial reaction
    was very good and at this stage of the game, I'm very optimistic
    that we'll be able to buy the two.  More later.
    
    Steve
    

    I talked to Cambridge Doc.  We have a small problem: the videos
    do not come in VHS format; rather it is the 3/4" format of bygone
    days.  They say we might find a player in a school or library if
    there isn't one @ DEC, but since they also have all the films ON
    FILM, we could rent a projector nearly anywhere.
    
    The catalogue is on its way.  Anyone else wanting to contact them,
    they are Cambridge Documentary Films, 617-354-3677.
    
    Lee

    Lee,
    My plant has apparently ordered 3/4" videotape players for use in
    a conference room. I believe that the players are in, but the monitors
    aren't.
    
    liz

    Hoo ha!  We have both 1/2 (VHS) and 3/4 inch machines.  Thanks
    for the number - I'll forward it on to my colleague (the one
    with the funds  :-D  ).
    
    Steve
    

RE: 3/4 inch video players

The TWO MET group has 3/4 inch players.  I will investigate.

Jim.

    We have one too.  (LMO4 in Marlborough.)

    Liz, did you once work on Porter rd? Ljo2?
    
    				hank

    No, I never worked there. Do people come out of that place in a
    specifically predictable frame of mind?
    
    Liz

    RE: .27
    No nothing like that. I thought I recognized the name. Anyhow
    I've enjoyed your entries.
    
    And sorry I strayed from the topic...

    Could someone tell me what "Still Killing Me Softly" is all about.
    I heard the title (many times) but I do not know the content.
    
    I'm sure others will benefit from this (and following) replies.
    
    Thanks,
    Cathy

    It is a film of a lecture given by [respected researcher, name
    instantaneously forgotten when trying to remember tho].
    
    Her thesis is that advertisers consciously and purposely use violent
    and other devaluing images of women in particular [tho men are also
    being used this way nowadays, and she documents this] when trying
    to sell stuff.  While no advertisers are represented in the film,
    she contends that the images are in many cases too blatant and explicit
    (corpses, etc) to be an unconscious choice on their part.
    
    Lee