Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    The only way I've ever heard of, Kerry, is for the person *NOT*
    to take up with someone who is that needy in the first place.
    
    In other words, the best (the only?) sort of person to have as an
    SO is someone with her/his own life under control.  Then the two
    people can *enjoy* one another instead of one of them having to
    be a full-time emotional caretaker.
    
    It's always flattering to be "needed" and the center of attention.
    But it ain't healthy.
    
    						=maggie

    Took the words out of my mouth, maggie.
    
    Lee

    I agree that it does happen, Kerry.  I got involved with someone
    a while back.  I got so wrapped up in the relationship that I
    negelected a lot of my own friends and interests.  I became friendly
    with her friends, whom we often saw together.  Years later when the
    relationship ended, there I was with no [few] friends, no S.O.
    I had become extremely isolated, and it has taken quite a while to
    build a network of supportive friends.  I hope that the lesson I
    learned through all that is to never, ever let myself become so
    isolated in a relationship again; it really wasn't healthy.  In
    my current relationship I'm happy to say that my SO and I have
    friends with whom we socialize together and some friends that we
    see alone.  I think that  having some independent activities helps
    me to feel good about myself as an individual, who also happens
    to be part of a significant relationship.  I'm not sure if this
    answers your questions, but this is what my experience has been.
    
    Justine
                             

    I wouldn't want to abandon my friends because I had an SO, but new
    relationships need more time than established ones.  My friends
    seem to understand the cyclic nature of relationships.  They know
    what's going on when I have a new SO and don't see them quite as
    much.  (I don't abandon or ignore them, either.)  They also know
    that as the relationship matures, they will be introduced, and we
    will do things together.  
    
    I think what works for me is changing degrees (seeing friends more
    or seeing them less) but not falling into "all" or "nothing" behavior.
    That's hard on the friends and hard on the new relationship!  
    
    Now that most of my friends are in their late 30's and early 40's,
    I find that they intuitively understand this.  When we were in our
    20's, though, I don't think any of us had had enough experience with
    the cycles involved in forming a relationship to realize that it
    was cyclic.  At that time, my friends did worry more about losing friends
    to relationships.
    
    Holly  

    <=== re -1
    
    Good point Holly.  I'd like to add that the relationship of friendship
    is cyclical with or without the "interference" of a lover.  Sometimes
    you just want to be alone for a long time.
    
    Lee

    You know, I was just asking my SO "why is it that now that we are
    serious, no one (our single friends) asks us to go anywhere anymore".
    
    If it's cyclic, I'll do my best and see.  But, I still think it's
    very unfair of my girlfriends to just "drop" me like I was worthless.
    Hey, but in reality, life's "TOO" short to bend over backwards to
    please people who may never really cared for you in the first place.
    
    I don't know this for sure but sometimes friendship is a one way
    stree where you're doing all the work and someone else gets all
    the benefits.
    
    Cathy 

    >"You know, I was just asking my SO "why is it that now we are
    >serious, no one (our single friends) asks us to go anywhere anymore"
    
    You aren't the only ones, Cathy!   I don't quite understand it myself.
    Does anyone know why that happens?    As my SO and I got more serious,
    other friends stopped calling.    And, it isn't because either of
    us aren't willing to go when invited!   What's happening?
    
    Tamar

    
    Why this happens: Because, maybe...
    
    ...Your single friends assume that you'll want to go off and do
       "couple" things.  Not necessarily sex, either.
    
    ...Your single friends hate being single/uncommitted/whatever, and
       would prefer not to be reminded of it.
    
    ...Your single friends attach a certain degree of importance to
       becoming unsingle, and they assume you won't want to get involved
       in activities revolving around the hunt for a person.
                        
    Never underestimate the insidious power of envy.  It can affect
    the actions of the most decent and well-meaning of people.
    
    This is no particular comment on any person or their acquaintances, but
    it has been my experience that in this particular case, the committed
    people (for lack of a better phrase) have something that a great
    many of us want in some manifestation.
    
    Even if you're not into PDA's, no matter how much you act like old
    pals in the company of your friends, even if your SO is a zillion
    miles away most of the time, unless your relationship is
    absolutely secret (which opens the door for a whole other set of
    complications), your single friends will look at you and see something
    they want and don't currently have, which may hurt them more than
    they are willing to admit.
    
    It isn't anyone's fault, and I don't think there's anything that
    can be done about it.  People are people.
    
    DFW

	Perhaps they don't want to intrude on your relationship.  They don't
	want to feel like a "third wheel" when you get together, and don't
	want to insult you by not asking both of you.  Maybe you should
	take the initiative to do things with them.  Try and find things
	to do that aren't geared towards couples (like if you ride on a
	rollercoaster, where does the third person sit, alone?).

	...Karen

    Two other things that might be happening (I did both of them) --
    
    You might be making a bigger deal than you realize about this deepening
    relationship.  I was lucky in that when I started going out with Neil I
    had a friend who was concerned enough to take me aside and tell me just
    how much time I spent talking about this new boyfriend when I should
    have been interested in the activity at hand.  Since I was talking
    about him mostly because the ups and downs of a new love affair were
    uppermost on my mind, it was pretty easy to just monitor my remarks and
    talk about him only when it was appropriate. 

    Your friends might be assuming you want it that way.  This is
    especially likely if they have invited you to something and you have
    declined because of a conflicting engagement with your new lover, or
    cancelled an activity with them because your lover wanted something
    more important.  Americans do tend to go off in couples, so they
    probably aren't even surprised.  
    
    I'm not saying that you shouldn't put your lover first, only that if
    you have done so, you might need to go out of your way to maintain the
    bridges of friendship. 
    
    --bonnie

    Well, having been in a committed relationship for lo these many
    years now, here's what we do about it.
    
    1) Invite single friends to do things with us a lot. We do lots
    of things in large groups, and we often are the organizers/instigators.
    Since people know you like to do things with them, they tend to
    invite you.
    
    2) Do things without your SO. If we get invited to something, and
    one or the other can't or won't make it, that doesn't stop the other
    from going. This gets people away from thinking you're an inseperable
    "couple".
    
    3) Talk to them about it. Find out you haven't been seeing much
    of them lately. This has the nice side effect of "staying in touch".
    
    4) Realize that ALL friendships tend to be cyclic. It may not be
    your "coupleness" at all.
    
    These seem to work for me.
    
    	-- Charles