| Isn't this a coincidence. I was just speaking to my boyfriend about
communication, emoting feelings, demonstrating love for one another.
We ARE very different.
I am more expressive (verbal) and he is more physical (touching,
caressing my hair, nibbling my neck). Oh, don't get me wrong, i
do my share of touching but I like to verbalize that this feels
good or you did a good job on that or I'm feeling kind of blue today
so would you mind if we skipped getting together tonight. But he
doesn't do alot of that.
I spoke to my counselor about him not emoting enough but what it
came down to was that some people (men or women) have a hard time
expressing their feelings into words but with a little help from
the other, the "feeling" will be known without any need for long
speeches or direct "this is what I'm feeling right now" sort of
expressions. Come to find out, my feeling that he wasn't emoting
wasn't exaclty true. He was, I wasn't paying enough attention.
Am going to work real hard on this one and he is going to be more
conscious of what he "does" actually tell me.
One more thing, part of the "not paying enough attention" was my
fear that maybe he doesn't really "need me". Well, I asked him
"directly" and he said, "I do need you".
Awwwwwwww
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| 1) I like to know as much as possible about an SO's past loves
for the simple reason that it helps me to understand them better.
I notice how they are with me, the things they do and whence they
come, and how to cope with some of their defenses. It is nice to
be able to say, "but you see, you are being defensive with me in
this way because _she_ messed you over in this situation. Well,
_I_ don't play the way she did/does, so please don't worry."
One other reason to know a little about his past loves, is that
if in hearing his stories, the woman _always_ turned out to be pond
scum and mistreated him, then it is fairly likely that he will feel
the same way about me, even if I _don't_ mistreat him. In my
experience, lovers' ex-es are never completely evil, and if the
lover is not able to see that, then that is a symptom of not being
able to see/admit his own wrong-doings. This isn't a hard and fast
rule, but it still seems to me that people with BEEEG chips on their
shoulders had a lot to do with putting them there; shoulder chips
don't just fall miraculously from the sky to afflict a person.
2) I have never, ever, ever successfully turned a friend into a
lover. I agree that this would be preferable, but once someone
is my friend, I get terribly shy about voicing romantic feelings
towards them. I think this is because once I know a person well,
I generally respect them a lot (else they do not qualify as friends),
and to be rejected at that stage by someone I know, like, and respect
is a gargantuan ego blow. Also, I don't like to lose friends, and
the discomfort in the situation of two people where one is romantically
interested in the other seems to me to almost prohibit the continuation
of that friendship, at least, not at the level it was before the
declaration of romance.
So HOW ON EARTH do you broach the subject of romance with a friend?
(A _very_ interested person asks this question...)
Lee
|
| >3) Why do (some)women get scared when a man starts getting serious in a
> relationship? (how do i dump this guy etc etc)
I took "getting serious" to mean, "let's think about getting married".
When my relationship got to the point of possible marriage I got
pretty scared. This was the first time any situation had come up
which would affect me every day for the rest of my life. I had
to sit down and do a lot of hard thinking about my SO. Some thoughts
included, what happens if he turns into a jerk a bit further down
the line, once wedding plans are announced or the wedding takes
place he becomes a lot harder to "dump", so if I want to do it,
I better do it now.
Luckily after mulling it over for a while, I decided they just don't
come any better than Dave, and after five years of marriage I'm
still convinced of it.
Barbara b.
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| re. communications between men and women
I read an article once (didn't we all) that seemed to indicate that
culturally, men and women have different *styles* of communicating.
For example, a man would say that you look okay, a woman would say
that your dress is lovely and how well it compliments your hair,
etc., and both mean the same thing.
Another point was that men who want to keep their problems to
themselves to "save the other person worry" think they are acting
normally, but are actually acting like *bears*. I noticed this
in my husband; he would have a work problem he didn't want to discuss
and would be totally non-communicative and irritable. But he thought
I wouldn't notice something was wrong.
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| RE: .3
< So HOW ON EARTH do you broach the subject of romance with a friend?
< (A _very_ interested person asks this question...)
As with most other forms of communication, it starts by geing honest.
Tell your friend how you feel. If they are as good a friend as you think,
then they will react honestly. I don't think that anyone has *EVER* been
offended by an honest offer/qestion for romance (that does not include:
"Hey, baby, wanna have sex?".) They may not be interested, but that is
not a rejection, necessarily - it probably just means that they don't see
you in the light of a lover.
Just once in my life, I was asked (very delicately) by a woman whom I
regard as the one true love of my life, and I turned her down - I decided
that I needed her as a friend more than as a lover. We are still the best
of friends, and in retrospect, I made the right decision.
It may also happen, that they are/were interested, and didn't know how to
bring up the subject either. Again honesty counts. If you are really friends
you owe it to yourselves to bring up the subject.
Best wishes;
Dirk
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