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Conference turris::womannotes-v1

Title:ARCHIVE-- Topics of Interest to Women, Volume 1 --ARCHIVE
Notice:V1 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:REGENT::BROOMHEAD
Created:Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:873
Total number of notes:22329

258.0. "Do We Feel the Same?" by USFSHQ::SMANDELL () Tue Mar 31 1987 00:10

I just got in from a wonderful date.  Let me share with you what I
learned.

This was a blind date, set up by a mutual friend, whose opinion I
respect.  She was right.

At one point this evening, we were driving (he was driving) to a
donut shop for coffee.  It was an area I was not familiar with
(Rt 110), and after hearing all this about date rape and such, bells 
were going off in my head, saying, "Do a safety check."  I explained
to him that I was feeling uneasy about my "personal safety", and that
lead to a discussion.  (There was no need for the concern, he respected
my feelings and proved to be a gentleman.)

I asked if men (*him*, of course), ever felt concern for their physical
safety when they met someone new.  After a joke response of "Only if
they're bigger" (he's 6'4"), he said, "No, not really."

Then I asked if they feared for their *emotional* safety, and we both 
realized that, yes, maybe men (but I hate to generalize!) do fear
for their emotional safety *just the same way that women might fear
for their physical safety*.  

Does this bring us (men and women) any closer together?

Sheila
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name		DateLines
258.2APEHUB::STHILAIRETue Mar 31 1987 12:338
    Re .0, I think *some men* are afraid of being emotionally hurt while
    *most women* are afraid of both being physically and emotionally
    hurt.  (Some of my past experiences have convinced me that there
    are quite a few men out there who don't give emotions much thought
    when they date.  Sorry.)
    
    Lorna
258.4men...don't be so defensiveNCVAX1::COOPERTue Mar 31 1987 16:4416
    I agree with .3 in that men are emotionally defensive.
    
    I believe it is a taught behavior, that they themself are not fully
    aware of, nor are they aware that in being so protective of their
    own feelings, they are not aware of what the woman is going through
    in having to deal with ther standoffish actions.
    
    CC
    
    p.s.  This is my first time using this notes file (being a new noter
    and all) I have been using the FRIENDS note, but now that I've found
    WOMANNOTES you'll probably hear more from me because after all CC
    stands for Carolyn Cooper.
258.5I'm a snailGENRAL::FRASHERAn opinion for any occasionTue Mar 31 1987 20:2823
    When I feel emotionally threatened or afraid of making a fool of
    myself, I clam up.  I have to sit back and observe for awhile to
    see what's going to happen.  If the person seems sincere, then I
    will open up, but if I detect a hint that I'm going to be cut down
    or misunderstood, I stay in my shell.  I may try to come out and
    see what's going to happen and if its taken wrong, back into the
    shell.  This has ended in some pretty boring dates.  On the other
    hand, if I peek out of my shell and I like what I see, then I come
    out more and more until everything is cool and we have fun together.
    I have gone as much as 6 months before opening up and at other times,
    I was open at our first meeting.  If I have *no* contact what so
    ever ahead of time, then I really clam up.  If I have talked to
    other people or talked on the phone to them, then I have a good
    idea what I'm up against and it generally goes pretty smooth.  I
    get my feelings hurt really easy, but that's just paranoia.  I am
    especially uncomfortable around new women because I am afraid of
    putting my foot in my mouth.  Although I feel fairly enlightened,
    I'm still afraid of saying the wrong thing.  To tell one woman that
    she is cute is a compliment, to another its a sexist insult.  I
    can never tell how its going to be taken.  If its taken as an insult, 
    then I figure I have nowhere to go but down.
    
    Spence
258.6 revealing blind dateKIM::MUSUMECIThu Apr 02 1987 20:4514
    re .0
    
    I don't think it's the same. I believe that the potiential
    damage that could result from a woman being physically attacked
    is much greater than the emotional dangers faced by men. Besides,
    when a woman or a man is physically attacked there is both physical
    and emotional damage. In response to " could this make us closer?"
    I would say YES!!. The sharring of fears and how one tries to cope
    with them puts two "strangers" on the road to intimacy. And I have
    never traveled that road without learning something new about another
    and myself.
    
    						Chris
258.7That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.SNEAKY::SULLIVANOliver Wendel JonesSun Apr 05 1987 03:1610
    
         I feel that one always has to give another a chance.  I try
    to open up at, at least a little, rather early in the game.  If
    I don't get bruised, I come out a little more.  I realize that things
    will never get off the ground if both are protecting themselves,
    so I risk it.  I've been hurt before, and I know I'll survive. 
    Besides, the possible gains far outweigh the possible losses.
    
                                  Bubba