Conference turris::womannotes-v1

Some random suggestions (since I don't know much about either of you):

Women are generally turned on my romance. Send the kids to grandma,
cook your wife a romantic dinner, with candles and flowers, dress the
way she'd like you to, turn the lights down low, serve her favorite
foods (and alcohol), nice music, and *don't pressure the situtation*.

Or take a day or a weekend off, and go somewhere (the beach, a mountain,
an inn). Get a change of scenery.

And talk. Talk about things that matter.

Men are generally turned on by new stuff. Buy the Joy of Sex and read
it together. Pick out some stuff that looks interesting. (I'm sure others
could help you more on this end.)

Keep trying, but not too hard. And good luck.
	Mez

I agree with reply .1, but would like to add to it.

My wife and I went through something similar to this some years ago. 
Actually it was a little rough. What we found was that its not 
just sex. It should be making_love. That includes such things as 
a quiet evening of taking the phone off the hook, a light late 
meal,( not a big deal, just some wine, cheese , well you get 
the drift), listening to some music turned down low, giving each 
a back rub. Get to  know each other again. May sound corny, 
but its not, it works. 
    
What we did was had a friend look after the kids and took a 
three day getaway to Cape Cod in late September. We rediscovered
each other. 

dave

    or, as someone once said, "sex begins in the kitchen".  
    
    It doesn't sound like you are bored with your partner  -- but bored
    with the routine.  Anything gets familiar after many years.  So
    make it unfamiliar.  Changing setting sometimes helps; getting silly
    about sex helps, too.  
    
    Try doing what you did when you were a horny teenager -- go parking
    or to the drive-in, but don't "go all the way".  That should picque
    your interest. 
    
    G
    

re: .1
      Men are generally turned on by new stuff. Buy the Joy of Sex and read
      it together. Pick out some stuff that looks interesting. (I'm sure others
      could help you more on this end.)

That's a good idea.  In a previous relationship, we read the book in turns,
making notes for each other. (That's a little easier to do when you're 200
miles apart, and it can be easier if you have problems talking about sex).

The only thing that we didn't like is that we found the book to be a little
sexist in presentation.  Many of the suggestions seemed to be aimed more at
the man's pleasure, but it's not terrible.

					-- hs

    
    re: .0
    
    .1 to .5 make good sense, but .. are you sure your spouse WANTS
    to renew the ol' passionate feeling, or is it just your desire ?
    (rhetoric question, no response expected).
    
           

    re: .6  Yes...it's compatable.

    RE:.1 Time alone, good idea.  It's in short supply with a two income
    family with two preteen girls just begining to be socially active
    and both of us involved in organizations.  Take some time just for
    us...hummm...
    
    RE:.2 Corny sometimes = nice. That's two votes for "Get away from
    it all and focus on each other".  And BTW sex without love is like
    getting only half of what's possible...unsatisfactory.
    
    RE:.3 Could you be more specific ?
    
    RE:.4 Now we're talkin' !  That's inovative and the kind of thing
    that can be fun...!  I know a couple that have ben married 17 yrs
    that say, I can't verify you understand, that say they abstain for
    months at a time to make it more exciting.  Abstainence makes the
    ____ grow fonder I guess...;v}.  Any more creative approaches to
    the subject ?
    
    RE:.5  Another innovative approach !
    
    RE:.6 Good point...thanks for asking...clarifies the perspective.
    
    
    

    Disclaimer:	I've never been married.

    Dave Harding hit it on the head [no pun intended]:

    If you are bored perhaps you need to bring some more
    romance into your life.  Maybe just some excitement.
    
    Being alone together may be just what you DON'T
    need.  Think about it.  It may just make for
    more pressure on the both of you to become non=boring
    and may lead to more drastic situation[s].

    GO out near people.  GO dancing.
    
    Come to Jamaica.

RE: .0
>    "What to do about sexual boredom in a relationship ?"  I've been
>    married for 12 yrs. now and sex just isn't what it used to be...
>    for either of us...
        
    Since you're obviously worrying about the topic, I just thought that
    you should take a minute and ask yourself why you are worried.  Be
    careful that you aren't feeling outside pressure from ads that are
    pushed at us everyday.  People do not really have sex as often as
    TV characters do, and although statistics might say that people have
    sex 3 times a week on the average, these statistics do not indicate
    anything about the maturity of the relationship (after the first year
    of marriage, the frequency of intercourse goes down dramatically).    
    Also sex does not alway have the dramatic passion that you see TV
    characters (and books, and...) experiancing constantly.  It can be
    just a warm interaction between two people, kind of like a hug only more.

    Anyways, just thought I'd throw that in.  If you're just looking for
    something new/different then go ahead and ignore what I just said.
    'Cause it can't hurt if you're doing it together.

    ...Karen

    RE: .10
    
    Karen,
    
    I wouldn't say I'm worried about it...concerned yes, but worried,
    no.  And I don't compare real life to the fiction doled out in the
    media.  I just said that "it isn't what it used to be"  and was
    wondering how to make it more like it used to be.  Such as new and
    different approaches, ideas, situations.  
    
    Yes I know that the frequency of intercourse decreases as years
    married increases.  There is an old saying that if you put a bean
    in a pot under the bed each time you "do it" the fisrt year and
    take a bean out each time for the rest of your married life you'll
    never empty the pot !  This may not be true, but it is an old saying.
    
    Your response has made me stop and think, however.  Perhaps it is
    a natural change as relationships and people mature.  The statement,
    it's like hugging, but more....may be true.
    
    Anyway, it's not quantity that bothers, it's quality.  It's an "Are you
    making love more and enjoying it less ?" type of question...what
    we did lately is to fool around but not "go all the way" for a couple
    of weeks and it did improve the quality of our lovemaking.
    
    I'm kind of disappointed in the number of responses to this note...
    I guess in this day and age of love 'em and leave 'em people don't
    stay together long enough to get bored...
    
    Thanks for your response...it gives food for thought.
    
    BTW - My wife's name is Karen :^) !

    This happened to me at one point, and "just fooling around" was
    very helpful.  I also found it helpful to limit how often we "went
    all the way".  We also made a point of getting very turned on, and
    not giving into it over the course of a couple of weeks, and then
    finally giving into it.  Takes discipline, but if quality and not
    quantity is your goal this technique definitely helps.
    
    Two books I found helpful are "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach,
    and her second book, the title of which eludes me, but which is
    directed more towards couples.  They are written for women with
    the idea that women need to learn to experience sensual type touch
    *alone* and to learn what gives them pleasure *alone* without the
    pressure of pleasing another person, etc.
    
    I think they would be good reading for a man, though.  They represent
    a very different, very sensual approach to touching.
    
    Good luck--
    
    Holly

    Putting in a two more cents ...
    
    Sometimes "boredom" happens because you almost can't avoid the same
    routines and habits.  In two-career marriages, and in those with
    small children, time is rationed.  If you end up always having sex
    at the end of the workday, when you are both tired, it's hard to
    find the energy to go beyond the basics.  This isn't just a factor
    of the length of the relationship.
    
    Try setting your alarm clock early.  Or have dessert first, and
    supper after.  Commit not only time, but energy to your sexual
    relationship.  Works for me!
    
    
    

    I just picked up an April Readers Digest, there's an article 
    about this there. 
    
    		"Why Don't I enjoy Sex more" 
    
    
    dave

This is my 4th try at this, the wind keeps knocking out the phone line. 
I'm learning quickly to do a 'save' every 2 minutes and to do it outside 
of NOTES.  I had it in once, tried to fix it, and blew it away.

Anyway...

You have to break the routine.  Anything gets monotonous after awhile.
Try it in the mountains, on a deserted beach, in a boat, in
the garage, anything to break the routine.  It worked for my wife 
and me and we~r've been married for 14 years.

We recently (last week) found nude hot-tubbing.  That's a definite 
thrill.  We haven't tried it with friends yet.  If I can only convince
her to try. 8-)  Yo~r~ru can rent a hot tub, but you have to go to it, 
they don't bring it to you.

There's no law against nudism on Federal land.  I don't know about 
beaches.  That's why I like 4 wheeling so much (and you all thought 
it was for the fishing. 8-)  We had a good time in the back bay
of Pensacola, FL on our honeymoon in '72.

Spence