Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    Dear Unknown,
    
    Don't let it bother you!  The ones who have stood beside you and
    understood are your true friends, the ones who stood behind you
    and maligned you were never the friends they said they were.  I
    got a divorce 4 yrs ago and had the same thing happen to me.  I
    also remarried within a yr, so people really had things to say about
    that (Steven broke up my marriage to Carl, he stole Carl's family,
    I was dirt because I ruined a good man by taking his children, etc).
    It didn't matter that Carl and I had been discussing divorce for
    4 yrs and had decided that "now" was the right time, we had tried
    everything to bring ourselves back together (including therapy);
    we decided it was time before we really started to hate each other,
    we are still friends, but know we can't live together happily. 
    I have friends who were friends before the divorce, and I have
    ex-friends who I thought were friends before the divorce.  The people
    who sided with either of us, neither of us took as true friends;
    we still have a few mutual friends.
    
    As I said, your true friends will come through for you. Have faith
    in them.  If yuo need to talk, drop me a line.......... I'll be
    glad to talk with you, to try and help!
    
    Mary-Lynn

    You're not alone.  My ex-mother-in-law ( a member of the moral
    majority) called my mother and attacked her for raising a menace
    to society (never mind that her kid was an abusive drunk).  We also
    got a lot hate mail from various religious organizations.
    
    I expected friends to be uncomfortable around me, but I wasn't
    really prepared for the nastiness.  For me, divorce was a whole
    different story from breaking up with someone you are lining with.
    Perhaps it's just human nature (I'd like to think it isn't) or maybe
    friends are just trying to cover up their own fears.
    
    Just don't let the b******s get you down. 
    
    

    The same thing happens to people who get sick, lose their jobs,
    fall on hard money times, and sometimes to women who get pregnant.
    I don't think it was because you were getting divorced.  It's because
    you were down on your luck and there's a vast number of people
    out there who only like to associate with whom they perceive as
    "winners".  "Losers" are too much of a bummer to be around.
    
    I think these people *STINK*!  I had a little bit of this happen
    to me when I broke up with my SO last spring.

    I'm curious - how many of these "friends" acted friendly again once
    you were out of trouble?

    	-Ellen

    I agree with Ellen......it's not so much divorce it's hard
    times....actually they are afraid it will happen to them.....if
    you get divorced that means it could happen to them maybe you will
    steal there husband or their SO.....if you lose your job and they
    are afraid they will lose their jobs as well.
    
    It's weird but I had a friend kind of like that except the opposite...
    she liked to hang around people that were down in their luck...which
    is good in a way....but if something great happened to these people
    like remarried, or got a better job - she treated them badly because
    there luck was changing - strange huh?
    
    Well people are different and if your friends don't stand by you
    during hard times they weren't friends in the first place.....and
    if they are truly insecure maybe it would help to talk to them if
    they are approachable.....but true friends are very difficult to
    find....
    
    
    Bobbi
    

    The following is from the writer of the basenote.
    
    					=maggie
        
    ====================================================================
    
    re .3
    
    	It didn't seem to be that being down on my luck mattered
    	much, as they still don't want anything to do with me.
    	I think I stomped on their value systems.  A couple of
    	people said that everything would be fine if I went back
    	to my husband, but that if I didn't that I wasn't welcome
    	in their homes anymore.  
    
    	One ironic thing that still galls me is that prior to the
    	divorce I had not said how bad things were because I had
    	been raised to believe that one didn't go about disclosing
    	intimate problems of the marriage (not to anyone.)  So
    	when I finally told people the truth, hardly anyone
    	believed me.  I found this to be very unsettling.
    
    					uk  (initials for one who needs
    					      to remain anonymous.)
    
    

    I may be unusual, at least based on most of these replies, but I
    found almost 100% positive reactions.  It may be because it was
    fairly obvious that I was unhappy.  My family had accepted my husband,
    but were never happy with the relationship.  So when I got divorced
    it was like getting the "old" Judy back.  (Many people used that
    exact phrase.)
    
    My friends were very supportive and most were not surprised.  I
    think my ex-husband's family was shocked.  He chose not to tell
    them we were having problems and they had more problems adjusting.
    I did try to remain in contact with his sister, and she did reject
    my friendship, but that may be natural.
    
    Another reason that I may have had an easier time is that we had
    moved to NH only a year before we separated.  So, most of my friends
    here were only aware of my misery.  They never knew us as a couple
    so it was easier to be accepting of the breakup.
    
    I hope you have some luck establishing new relationships with people
    who value *you*, not your marital status.  I couldn't have asked
    for a better job for finding people who cared for me and wanted
    me to be happy.
    
    Judy 

       re .6
    
    With friends like that, who needs friends?
    
    I've had two experiences. The first, when I ended a relationship when I
    was fairly young (had gone on for about 4 years). The only negative
    reactions were from his family ("how could I do that to their boy?")
    and from my folks ("what do you possibly see in this new guy...?").
    Since I had moved a few months before this time, all my "new" friends 
    thought I was doing the right thing, and the "old" friends that
    still kept in contact also agreed. 

    The second time, when I ended this relationship (after 5 years), once
    again, all of my friends were supportive. One couple even put me up for
    several days, including responding to a middle of the night phone call
    for aid, and screened calls so I wouldn't have to talk to him.  I did
    end up losing touch with several other friends though, but since they
    were people I had met through this guy, I think they wereuncomfortable 
    to maintain both relationships. The biggest reaction I got was "...but 
    you two have been together forever! It's going to be weird not to see 
    you with each other!" 

    I guess I was lucky. The second ending was extremely painful, but
    necessary and my friends did all that they could do to help. 

    Has anyone noticed any difference in reactions from others when ending
    a long-term relationship (but not one with the official "marriage" tag)
    and an "official" marriage?  My mom has an interesting philosophy(?)....
    that it is much better to live with someone and get to know them
    (even though she is not too keen on the idea of living together)
    then it is to get ...*divorced*....  (oh well...)
    
    janet b.
    
    
     

    
    Hi!
    
    How dare "friends" act like that!
    
    Boy, I'd rathenot have "friends" if they are like that!
    
    I was divorced (YEAH!!!) last year, after putting up with both
    physical and mental abuse for 2 1/2 years.
    
    I was a little scared that people would look down on me when I left
    the EX.  But to my surprise - my friends, and the people I work
    with supported me 100%!  They said that they admired me, respected
    me, etc...!  It really made me feel terrific!  My managers were
    also very supportive, when I told one of them, he stuck out his
    hand, and said congratulations!
       
    While I was still separated from the Ex (he was such and A__Hole,
    took months and months to finally get everything settled - he did
    it just to cause trouble), I started dating a guy (My one and only
    SO - Rich!) that I was casual friends with for a while (we would go
     out to lunch once in a while).
                                
    Once again, I felt a little uneasy about what people at work might
    think - although we didn't date openly until I was FREEE!!! (YEA!).
            
    But... 
           
    I got the same response as before.  Everyone loved it!  (Everyone
    thinks we are such a cute couple! ARRGH! I hate CUTE!)   I guess
    they liked it because they "approved" of Rich, and his friends approved
    of me!  
    
    Who knows, maybe those "friends" were jealous, because they did
    not have the guts to do something about an unhappy relationship!
    
    Blech.  It turns my stomach to here how ugly people can be!  I hope
    they are feeling very GUILTY!
    
    
    Anyone who has the courage and guts to get out of a bad, or simply
    unhappy relationship certainly has my admiration!
    
    
    Bye!
    
    Corinne