Conference turris::womannotes-v1

You stay in it for as long as you feel satisfied with the lesser degree 
of committment.  You talk alot.  Maybe you talk about what is frightening,
for both of you, about making those Big Life Decisions.  Maybe you talk 
about your dreams, and how you see your individual futures.  Maybe you see 
ways in which your dreams can (and can't) fit together.  Maybe you talk 
about love.

It's time when _you_ decide.

CQ

Just a second to the end of .1.  It is time when *you* decide you can't live
with the lower level of commitment.  In the absence of this guy being able
to provide a strong partnership at this stage, it's essential that you have
a clear idea (easier said than done) of the various outcomes you'd like to
have happen, how likely any one of those outcomes is, and what it will take
from you.  You're not responsible for his decisions, you are responsible
for yours.

Just a side thought.  It seems to be your responsibility to drive major
decisions in this relationship.  Is this what you want in a relationship? I
ask the question because I was in a similar situation ("engaged" to someone
who a)couldn't set a date and b)couldn't tell her parents.).  After that
fell apart for various reasons, I decided one of most important things I
needed was partnership.  I expect the ability participate in tough
decisions and participate in the consequences. I also try to provide that.
Some times Lis and I can both do that, sometimes one, the other, or both of
us can't. . . 

_Byron

    You didn't say how long you've been in the relationship, but I
    think if you really love him and you're serious, you'll have given
    it at least a year for him to decide (that is, a year from when
    you first started asking about a larger commitment).  Any more
    time than that is up to you to decide.
    
    I don't know your SO, but from my experience, I'd say, ask him about
    it no more than once a month or he might feel pestered about it.
    Mostly, just stay real positive and happy as much as possible about
    the possible commitment you're going to make (rather than feeling
    sad that it might not happen) and he's going to be much more likely
    to make that commitment.

    	-Ellen

    Every relationship is a pact between two people.  You will give
    this and they will give that.  If you're comfortable with the terms,
    fine.  If you're not, leave.  What else do you need to think about?
    
    I get the impression you are looking for ways to advance your view
    of the "pact" and change the terms more to your liking.  You can
    never, EVER do this.  You can only make your wishes known.  If you're 
    simply not getting what you want from this other person then you
    either take what they're willing to offer you or move on.  It's
    not always an easy decision but realizing that you can NEVER change
    another person makes it easier.  Don't hang in on "hope".  It makes
    you seem too dependent and puts too much pressure on the other person,
    who will know exactly what's going on and who will grow to resent
    you for it.  If the price of your love is a certain level of
    commitment, then giving your love for less will backfire on you.
    Your lover may eventually leave you anyway and you will hate yourself for
    compromising your standards, (and wasting your time), for what turned
    out to be no good reason.
    

    If someone is afraid to make a commitment and you can't live without
    it, LEAVE. If he's serious he'll make a try to get you back. If
    he's not, you are free to find someone who will. Liesl
    

    If he does not want to make a committment, you may feel more 
    pressure on yourself.  Resentment may also build up inside you.
    When you feel too much pain and you both can't work it out, then
    it's time to leave.  
    There are many people out there that do want a relationship, that
    do want to start planning a future with someone else.  DON'T
    SELL YOURSELF SHORT!!!

    	It's one of those things you have to decide on...
    
    	I was in a relationship with a woman a couple of years older
    than I was and she wanted to get married and have kids -- the whole
    nine yards.  I loved her as much as I was able, but I didn't want
    to get married then.  After we'd been together about a year, she
    said to me "If I thought you were going to offer to marry me in
    another year, or even two, I'd stay, but you you show no signs of
    ever asking."  I agreed, and we went our seperate ways.
    
    	She was married within a year after that and I'm still single.
    
    	What's important to you?
    
    					--Doug

    I was in a similar situation with my husband.  He told me very early
    on in the relationship that he would never get married.  To me,
    it just seemed like he wasn't ready for marriage yet, so I decided
    that I loved him enough to give him some time to get ready for that
    big step.  I moved to Pennsylvania after college, but we still
    continued to see each other every few weekends.  Eventually, we
    decided that we wanted to be together, so I moved back to the Boston
    area.  Once again, I was ready for marriage, but he wasn't sure
    yet.  I made a decision to give him 1 more year after which I would
    end the relationship if he hadn't decided to make it permanent by
    then.  When I moved up to the area, we decided to live together
    which helped a lot because we were acting married already, and he
    found out that he liked a stable domestic situation.  Anyhow, he
    decided within about 8 months that marriage wasn't all that bad,
    and proposed.
    
    I think it took him longer to decide that he wanted a permanent
    relationship because most of the marriages he has seen have ended,
    and he was afraid to make the commitment because he kept thinking
    that it wouldn't last.  It took me a while to show him that a marriage
    can work, and that you just have to keep working at it to keep it
    going.  Also, I come from a long line of long marriages (Grandparents
    have been married 67 years, parents married 45 years, brother married
    20 years etc), so he got to see that not all marriages end in divorce.
    
    Whatever you decide, it has to be your decision.  If you want the
    relationship to work, and you want more of a commitment, then work
    towards that goal.  Maybe he is like my husband and needs reasurrance
    that a commitment can be good.  Also, try to understand why he isn't
    ready yet so that you can get a feeling for if he will change his
    mind.  Since I knew what was causing my husband's fear, I could
    deal with it more easily.
    
    I know that it won't be an easy decision, but it's one that you
    have to make yourself.  If you think that time is what he needs
    before he can make the commitment, you have to decide if you want
    to wait.  For me, it took 3 years for my husband to decide that
    he wanted to make a permanent commitment, but I was willing to wait.
    
    Good luck with whatever you decide.
    
    Cathy
    
    

    What are you calling a further committment?  Will he see you this
    week-end?  Next?  How about next month?  What is permanent?  Til
    death do you part?  Til you don't like each other any more?  
    
    I have had many committments, and the happiest I have ever been
    is when "how long will this last?' is not the BIG question.  
    
    The BIG question is, am I happy now?  If the answer is YES!!! then
    the next step is to keep on keeping on.  If the answer is NO, then
    you have to get out and plow a new path.  If the answer is Maybe,
    why not just relax, and wait and see how you feel about it next week.

    The thing to remember is that YOU are in charge of your own decisions,
    not him.  And you are the only one who knows whether or not you
    are happy.  I know, because once I figured that out, I was no longer
    paralyzed by waiting for someone else to make decisions that I thought
    could make me happy.  Good luck.
    
    H
    

    Long ago I swore I would never get married, that I would always
    be independent.  I have learned that you can probably have both
    (since I'm not married, I'm only speculating).  As I am growing
    old (21 really is getting old) I'm starting to consider marriage
    and gearing my relationships to have some inner meaning.  Since
    my SO (I just figured out what that means) was so uncomfortable
    with the idea and wouldn't even joke about it, I gave him a choice.
    I told him that marriage is an issue in my serious relationships
    and if he couldn't talk about it without squirming, then I would
    find someone who could.  2 days later, he was a different person.
    Now I know why he fears it, why he likes it, what he's looking for
    in life.  It brought us to a closer level.
    
    If you're willing to risk all for your feelings, then try my way.