Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    My mother lived by the premise that her husband came first.  Little
    babies were attended to but as soon as the child reached some level
    of independence they took a back seat to Dad.  Mom didn't argue
    with Dad because he was the head of the household.  Mom didn't get
    her license because Dad would take her where she wanted to go (when
    he was ready).
    
    Mom didn't share my new experiences...she wanted me to help with
    the chores...my accomplishments were always noted by the fact that
    the achievement came in spite of a dirty room.
    
    When I began to have troubles in my marriage Mom was quiet.  After
    all we didn't argue with our men.  
    
    When Dad died Mom didn't need me she had the boys (my brothers).
    They were men, they would take care of her.  They took care of her
    and whatever assets she had.
    
    How do I feel.  At this moment fine.  But I spent years trying to
    prove to Mom that I was a daughter to be proud of.  
    
    She is proud now.  For there are no men in her life.  Only her daughter,
    the child with the best job, the mother of the best grandchildren,
    and the smartest, sweetest person in the world.  That's me.  Each
    night that I call her and every time I visit her.
                                                                            
    I love Mom in spite of it all.  I tell her she did what was right
    for her in her time.  I did what was right for me.  But I smile
    a lot inside.
    
    She molded me...I like to make a man important in my life...but
    she angered me enough to spite her.
    
    Thanks, Mom!

    I always got the opposite feeling from my mother - contrary to
    prevailing attitudes, she thought a girl child was a blessing over
    and above a boy child. I don't know how she ever came by such an
    attitude in a patriarchical society - and she paid for her independent
    thinking by suffering from mental illness her whole life. She also
    values children more than her husband, another sign of her iconoclastic
    attitudes. 
    
    She also feels that a woman needs a man to help her out, but I think
    she means financially primarily, not emotionally. Two divorces later,
    I guess I have to admit that I share my mother's attitude toward
    men also. My father is a good man, taking care of her in the best
    way he knows how, and his life has been far from easy, but Daddy
    has never understood my mom. I love both my parents deeply - but
    I have always seen the chasm between them, and mom is the one that
    I tell about the sad things that happen to me, because she doesn't
    judge, doesn't tell me that it's my fault (whether it is or not),
    doesn't ask me why I didn't get an A instead of a B. She is not
    a driver (my dad is); she is a comforter. 
    
    I try very hard to be like my mother to my three sons and daughter,
    but for me it's much easier with my daughter.
    
    I think a topic on Daddy's influence on a daughter would be a good
    topic, too.
    
    Stel
    

    Mom taught me to be independent--particularly financially!   My
    father left mom after 25 years of marriage, and he was one of the
    50% who didn't pay child support.    Fortunately, mom was able to
    complete her doctorate after he left, and thus was able to support
    (barely!) myself and my two brothers all the way through college.
    It's funny, I was 7 when she began to complete her doctorate, and
    I don't remember that time as terribly difficult.   Yet, she was
    going to school full time, working full time, and raising us...
    
    She taught me to think logically and to apply that logic to problems
    that confront me.    I remember once I was serving as a Vice-Chair
    on an Educational Policy committee that had faculty and student
    members.   I was conducting the meeting, and the Dean of Students
    (a man) was being obstreperous and stopping the meeting from
    continuing on.   I vehemently (but not offensively!) guided the
    flow of conversation so that we could continue with the business
    at hand when the Dean interrupted me and said something like, "Your
    face looks funny when you're angry." (or some such commentary on
    some part of my anatomy)   The committe laughed, and I was completely
    thrown.   I brought the problem to mom, and she helped me analyze
    it.   It was simply a question of power politics, and looking at
    it without my confusion coloring it (and realizing that it is a
    tactic (commenting on body parts) used to throw women off), I
    knew that I'ld be able to keep my cool if that happened again, and
    just continue pressing my point.
    
    Also, and not least (nor, undoubtably all), she taught me that it
    is ok for me to get angry and show it.
    
    
    Tamar
    

    The most valuable thing my Mom has given me is a very strong sense
    of family.  I am close to my brothers and sister, and we are rely
    on each other a great deal emotionally, simply by keeping the details
    of everyday lives known to one another and choosing each other as
    friends.  I want any children my husband and I raise to feel that
    same bond.
    
    Another thing I learned from Mom is strength -- that tragedy and
    difficulty don't have to dominate your life.  My mother nursed my
    dying father (kidney disease) while raising five small children.
    She lived for more than ten years with an alcoholic second husband
    and has managed to make another life alone, in her fifties.  She
    testified at the murder trial for the man who killed my sister.
    Yet she has no bitterness about her life.
    
    A sidenote -- my husband and I are living with Mom temporarily while
    waiting for our new home to be finished (please -- sometime soon!!).
     It's working out fairly well, but that's another topic -- adult
    women living with their parents and/or aged parents living with
    their adult children.  Anyone interested in starting a new topic?

    Gloria
    

    
    There are lots of ways my mother influenced me.  One of the things
    she taught me was how to be supportive of others.  This isn't in
    a way that passes judgement or condescends to their level.  Because
    of the way my mother treated me, I learned to "feel" with others
    as they describe a situation or tell a story.  It's instinctive
    now and I think it helps others alot - they know I'm sincere and
    that I understand whatever they have to tell me.
    
    By the same token, my mother taught me to be un-selfish and to put
    the other person first.  Once in a while this gets to me because
    when I try to get to "my things", I don't know what they are.  I
    sometimes feel like a buffer - you know here for other people, not
    for me.  I just always thought it was better to give than to receive.
    To this day, I don't receive very well.  I find it very difficult
    to let others "do things" for me or give compliments.  I feel more
    comfortable being the one to cheer others on!
    
    In general, I would say my mother's influence was the only positive
    one I had growing up.  This is one reason why it is difficult sometimes
    when it hits me that she's no longer here (4 years have passed since
    she died).  I sometimes see my mother's personality in others and
    it draws me to them.  I begin to feel comfortable when others bring
    out the things I treasure most about myself because they were sides
    I shared with her.  I would say that being that comfortable with
    people (friends and lovers) is one of my favorite activities!
    
    And somehow my mother was able to give to each and every one of
    nine children.  We all felt the loss of our "personal" cheering
    section when she died.  She did a great job - we're all pretty strong
    and healthy adults at this stage!  And we have her to thank for
    alot of it!  
    
    I only hope other folks memories are as wonderful as mine - they
    keep me company in low times when I really miss her presence.  I
    learned most things from her & I hope I'd be l/2 as good a parent
    to my (future) kids!
    
    Cheers!  Christy

My mother's legacy is not positive.  Or maybe it's just that my struggle to 
overcome the negative has narrowed my focus and obscured the positive.  Her 
influence is so pervasive and so subtle that I (sometimes) feel as though 
nothing less than a reconstruction of my personality is what's necessary to 
free myself from her.  

I'm sure I loved her once, though I haven't had loving feelings for her for 
longer than I can easily remember.  I have pleasant memories of doing things 
with her during my late childhood and early adolescence, before the rigors of 
the teen years turned me moody and introspective:  I remember the time we took 
an introductory lesson in english-style horseback riding and both suffered 
aching thighs the next day; the times she gave me driving lessons in her big, 
beautiful, blue Dynamic 88 convertible; the times we went roller skating and to 
movies together...

But... She taught me not to speak my mind, not to "rock the boat".  She taught 
me to smile instead of frown.  I learned to be deferential, maleable.  I learned
to bury whatever in me wanted to disrupt the status quo.  This mode of being is 
so deeply entrenched, so automatic, that I'm usually unconscious of it while it 
is happening.  When I _am_ conscious of it, I don't know what to _do_ about it.
I never learned how to express myself in an "interactive mode".  An opinion, a 
point of view all my own, is sometimes only evident to me "after the fact" -- 
snippets of conversation with which I might have (and perhaps should have) taken
issue "bubble up" into my consciousness an hour, a day, or a week later.  
Everything is delayed, and along with it my ability to appreciate and understand
what is said.  To carry the metaphor a little further, I seem to operate in 
batch.

I've not yet found the courage to look at my feelings for my mother.  I'm afraid
that I'm sitting on a powder keg.

I could go on and on... if I had the time!

CQ

    re: .8
    Thank you. Maybe I'll put something in on this. After the holidays
    I should be FULL of insights. Perhaps that's why I'm so snapish
    today :-}.
    
    I never linked my relationship to my motheer (which sounds much
    like yours) with my thinking in batch (the EXACT term I coined for
    it). More grist.
    	Mez

    One of the big tasks that psychotherapists often face is getting
    folks to acknowledge the failings in their parents.  People respond
    as though attacked when the idea that their parents damaged them
    is introduced.  It seems to be important to realistically assess
    both the positive and negative impacts of the way we were raised.
    People who were badly damaged in childhood sometimes experience
    sudden and dramatic growth after they are able to connect to the
    anger they feel toward their parents.

Re: .9  You're welcome.  This is an extremely difficult topic for me to 
        talk about.  Your thanks makes my effort worthwhile.

Re: .10 Thank you.  It's a connection I know I can't avoid much longer. 

CQ

    Two days before Christmas I was feeling pretty down for a number
    or reasons, the chief one at that moment being that I had been
    hit on the nose my the trunk lid of my car and had broken my glasses.
    I got a call from my mother, saying that she had just sent off
    the Christmas presents for my family. We talked for nearly twenty
    minutes and I cheerfulled right up!
    
    I feel very fortunate in both my parents but especailly in my mother.
    When my sisters and I were younger Dad seemed to get all the attention
    and be considered the "bright one". Mom tended to put herself down
    in comparison to Dad years ago. Today we all make a greater effort
    to let Mom know how proud we are of her and how much we apprecaite
    her.
    
    I may disagree with my mother, and she may not be wild about some
    of the choices I have made in my life, but she is a special person
    and I feel priviledged to be her daughter.
    
    Bonnie

    It surely doesn't seem right to me to blame my troubles and
    shortcomings on the way my parents raised me.  My mother taught 
    me (either with words or by example) much about what it is to be 
    a woman/lady that is not appropriate to my life and needs.  Having
    ideas about a "woman's place" (read subordinate to a man) is not
    very useful when one works in the corporate world.  But she taught 
    me what she knew, what she learned from her life.  How can I fault 
    her for doing the best she could??
    
    It seems more reasonable (to me) to use that anger to change the
    "system" that limited her choices so that I have more choice, and
    so that my children will have more choice.

    Joanne