| It sounds like what the writer really wants is to meet the expectations
of other people. "Measure up?" Who made the ruler?
If it's what she really wants, she is going to be unhappy until she finds
the right set of people whose expectations she ought to meet. Indeed,
it is her duty to herself to find whom she ought to to be pleasing.
If it's not what she really wants, she ought to quit doing it, because it
will drive her bats and nothing substantive will come of it anyway.
It is her duty to herself to find out what SHE wants to do, and to do
it and devil take the rest.
That may sound pretty high and mighty, but what else is there to do?
Anything else is catch-22. But it can take years.
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| ON STIGMA really hits home...always being not good enough, when
you know, through training, experience, successes, etc. that you
are equal, and at times, better than, those you're measured against.
As a child, I had to babysit younger brothers and sisters, while
my older brother went out to play. The explanation? Girls babysit,
boys have other things to do. And in high school I went out for
the boys tennis team (there was no girls team), just to see if I
could make it. I was good enough to make the team, but couldn't
play on the team, because I might beat the boys.
When it came time for college, I faced yet another unequal situation.
Older brother went to Boston College, and I was "allowed" to go
to the local state college...and pay my own way. The explanation?
We can't afford to waste money...if you don't do well enough.
Then, in the 70's, I was out in the world, working as a manager
of a gas station. What did my customers think? "How cute!" they
said, "You're helping your husband." When I explained that I was
not helping anyone, that I was the boss, they were aghast!
...But, how can you? You're a woman!
And as a professional musician for the past 6 years, the comments
are: I love the way you play. You're a damn good drummer!...and
you're a woman.
I seems, as I look back, that whenever I measured up, it was because
I was just a little better than the boys or men around me...only
then was that special 'tag line' left off...and you're a woman!
Jo-Ann
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| A reasonable response to the "... and you're a woman!" tag
line might be "Yes, and damned proud of it!".
I grew up with a (manic-depressive) mother and a grandmother, no
father after the time I was 10 (when my mother and father were
divorced), and my grandfather suffered a stroke and was bed-ridden
during the time I was in high school. My mother never had a good
word to say about my father; my grandmother rarely had a good word
to say about any man. It was not easy growing up, since I had the
(mis?) fortune to be a boy, which was clearly not very acceptable
in the eyes of the adults in my family. Yes, there was some
favoritism, but it was often directed toward my younger sister,
who, in the eyes of my mother and grandmother, could do no wrong.
I survived.
Each of us has a hard row to hoe, one way or another, and I think
the greatest miracle is that each of us has made it as far as we
have. Be proud of what you've accomplished, and don't let the
little bastards grind you down.
Tom
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| I appreciate the anonymous writer's input, mostly because it serves
as a good reminder to me that left to my own devices I have a much
greater intrinsic appreciation for what *I* have suffered, and the
stigmas I have had to overcome than those that other people struggle
with every day. I hope to reach a place where my empathy and
understanding, based on the experiences I have had, can serve as
a bridge to understanding what other people all around me have to
contend with.
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