[Search for users] [Overall Top Noters] [List of all Conferences] [Download this site]

Conference turris::womannotes-v1

Title:	ARCHIVE-- Topics of Interest to Women, Volume 1 --ARCHIVE
Notice:	V1 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:	REGENT::BROOMHEAD

Created:	Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	873
Total number of notes:	22329

16.0. "ON BEING ASSERTIVE" by PNEUMA::MASON () Thu May 08 1986 11:50

    I'm learning, albeit, somewhat slowly how to be assertive.  I had
    a victory today, and I thought I'd share it with you all, and encourage
    you to share stories of your own assertivness that made you feel
    more powerful, or just more self respecting.
    
    I had a meeting today with someone I didn't know.  I arrived slightly
    early, and was ushered into a waiting area by this person's secretary.
    I waited.  I waited. And I waited.  A half an hour went by.  I promised
    myself that in "another 5 minutes" I'd get up and leave.  Finally
    she came out of her office.  She could see me waiting, but she said
    nothing.  Finally, her secretary returned to her desk and the woman
    asked her to bring me in.
    
    When we all sat down there was no apology for keeping me waiting;
    which to my mind would have been a common courtsey, and I would
    have felt ok about things.  But noooooooooooooo....she just started
    in with business.  I was livid (I actually saw red!).  (NOW HERE'S
    THE BEST PART).
    
    I said:  "Now X, before we start, I just want to let you know that
    I am really angry about being kept waiting for 1/2 hour.  It felt
    very rude to me, and I'm so angry that I don't feel like I can get
    on with the business I'm here to talk about."
    
    She was definately taken aback, and responded not with an apology,
    but with reasons for why she had to keep me waiting.  I would have
    prefered an apology...but the point to my story is that I said what
    I needed to say, and then I was able to let go.
    
    Thanks for listening!
    
    ****andrea the assertive****

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
16.1	Thanks for sharing this.	VORTEX::JOVAN	the Music kiss....	`Thu May 08 1986 14:21`	7
	Good for you!! I to have that trouble, and your sharing of your story and your feelings help me to believe that is ok to express my feelings when I feel them. Not let them eat me up inside. Angeline
16.2		MOSAIC::TARBET	Margaret Mairhi	`Fri May 09 1986 10:05`	5
	<grin> Terrific, Andrea! I've never had the courage to speak out before, but maybe next time.... =maggie
16.3	IAS Course.	ADGV02::KERRELL	Do not disturb	`Fri May 09 1986 13:59`	14
	Here in the UK there is a course run for DEC employees called the Influencing and Assertiveness Course. I attended recently and it consisted of the following:- Transactional Analysis Theory Role Playing Assertiveness Skills Self Analysis Most people on the course gained something and I would recommend it to anyone. Do you have such a course in the US? If not maybe I could get you more info so that it can be proposed? Dave.
16.4		TLE::LIONEL	Steve Lionel	`Fri May 09 1986 15:01`	15
	Yes, there are such courses here in the US. I'm not aware just which ones are currently offered by DEC directly, but a few years ago I took such a course from an outside consultant. That course was called "Positive Power and Influence", but it had the same general outline as the course Dave mentioned. I found it extremely helpful in understanding why people got so annoyed with me and really helped me get along better in the world. I highly recommend such courses to everyone, male or female. A side note - while at the course I happened to pick up the book "Parent Effectiveness Training" (or P.E.T.) which they were using as "outside reading". I wasn't a parent at the time, but I was delighted to see that many of the same concepts and skills in this book could be applied to everyday life. Highly recommended. Steve
16.6	Being less assertive.	ADGV02::KERRELL	Do not disturb	`Tue May 13 1986 06:56`	20
	<--(.5)--( The course I mentioned in an earlier note looked at beahviour as a three cornered triangle: Assertive /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ ---------- Aggressive Passive We were taught to recognise these differant behaviours with reference to transactional analysis. None of them are wrong, but they all have their place. If you want to be less assertive, do you mean less agressive/assertive or just more passive? Understanding these behaviours could be the first step to being where you want to be. Dave.
16.8	Good show!	ESPN::HENDRICKS	Holly Hendricks	`Fri May 16 1986 11:37`	8
	My ability to be assertive in a given situation is usually exactly inversely proportional to my investment in the outcome of the situation and in making a good impression! Kudos to Andrea--sounds like you were able to exercise your asssertiveness even when the stakes were high (i.e., a business situation as opposed to asserting yourself to someone from who you were purchasing a service and could choose never to see again).
16.9	courage !	OZONE::KESSLER		`Fri May 16 1986 18:42`	5
	Yeah for you , Andrea !!! It's supposed to be easier the next time. Amy
16.10	Coutesy should come easy but...	STING::FIELDS		`Fri Dec 18 1987 21:50`	9
	It sure beats getting an ulcer by wanting to explode at these "too busy" important people but everytime I've let these callous people have it they no longer wish to speak with me. Am I right to feel wronged when this happens. Not according to the ones that keep me waiting. Tom
16.11	finesse	3D::CHABOT	Wanted: IASFM Aug 1979 & Mar 1980	`Mon Jan 04 1988 17:44`	5
	Well, these things require some practice. You probably don't really want to have these people never speak to you again (at least, some of them), but neither do you want to keep it all in. I repeat a recommendation for Elgin's books on "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" for ideas.
16.12	at least for me....	BEING::MCANULTY	The end of an era...	`Tue Jan 05 1988 09:59`	9
	> You probably don't really want to have these people never speak > to you again Too late !! Micheal
16.13	unless of course you already know everyone you want to know	3D::CHABOT	Wanted: IASFM Aug 1979 & Mar 1980	`Wed Jan 06 1988 18:01`	6
	Re: .12 Ho ho ho. Of course this sentence should have read In the future you probably want to make sure that such people speak to you again after you express your feelings...