Conference yukon::christian_v7

    Summary of HH (Herald of Holiness - a Nazarene church publication)
    article, "Spiritual Mentoring: The Gentle Counsel", by Beverly D. Self.
    
    The article is from the March issue, which is entirely devoted to
    women.  Sorry for the length; there was so much good information, I
    didn't know where to drop the axe!
    
    
    The article begins with the author relating a story of herself and
    friend Caroline, whose son had recently been diagnosed as autistic. 
    The 'still small voice' said "Caroline" twice that day, so she picked
    up the phone to call (prompting of the Spirit).  They had been
    long-distance, long-time friends, but with this crisis, their
    friendship intensified because of of Caroline's dependency on Beverly's
    guidance and wisdom, or as the author says, "We had become partners in
    a walk of faith, she leaning and me leading."
    
    "...This kind of faith partnership is sometimes called 'spiritual
    mentoring."  According to Webster, a 'mentor' is a "trusted counselor
    and guide."  When women enter into relationships so that one who is
    more spiritually surefooted can encourage and instruct a friend less
    firm in her faith, they form a 'spiritual mentorship'.  Relationships
    like this are validated by both Scripture and Christian tradition."
    
    She references Titus, where Paul commands older women to 'train'
    younger women, teaching them "what it good".  "...A spiritual mentor
    may be a discipler who evangelizes and trains a new believer.  Or
    spiritual mentoring may take the form of support-friendship with a
    believer who is suffering a faith-testing crisis."
    
    "Mentoring may take place between women who are already friends, like
    Caroline and me, or need and willingness may draw strangers together. 
    The key is that one woman needs the grace of God, and another is
    willing to share it."
    
    "Sometimes a shared/like experience prepares a woman to mentor by
    making her sensitive to the signs of need and giving her the gifts of
    empathy and strong faith.  But all Christian women striving toward
    spiritual maturity can be mentors.  The fruits of the Spirit are ample
    equipment for the work.  The Holy Spirit prepares the experienced
    faith-traveler's heart and sometimes directs her to one who needs
    salvation or strength.  But in other situations, <like Caroline,> the
    one who needs a mentor asks for help.  
    
    [KEY POINT:] (my emphasis/opinion) 
    
    "Whatever the case, one truth holds:  None of us is called to live the 
    Christian life alone, and none of us is able to.  We exist as members
    of the Body of Christ because God wants us to rely on and support each
    other.  We are all needy, and we all have love to give."
    
    "Women who would be mentors will not have to go far to find someone in
    need.  Life these days separates women from mothers, daughters,
    grandmothers, and aunts by both time and distance.  We feel isolated
    and cut off from their gentle counsel, which, in earlier days, would
    have taken place around a quilting frame or childbirth preparations. 
    So we develop unrealstic expectations and suffer self-doubt and
    loneliness.  We move so far so fast that many of us never witness the
    development of godly character in other women.  We do not learn how
    godly women 'love their husbands and children' and stay
    'self-controlled and pure' (Titus 2:4, NIV).  Spiritual Mentors are
    living examples.  They convey God's truth through the language of their
    own experiences.  Women share unique experiences, because of their
    gender, in their roles as wives and mothers as well as their places in
    history and society.  Woman-to-woman counsel comes from common
    understanding.  Some situations only women can experience; sometimes
    only another woman can speak the words that touch her heart."
    
    [KEY POINT(s)]:
    
    "The difference between 'mentoring' and 'spiritual mentoring' lies in
    the truth that if real growth is to take place, all aspects of life
    must come under Christ's Lordship."
    
    "The important aspect of spiritual mentoring is not *how* it is done by
    *why*.  No one should mentor so that she can feel "significant" in
    someone's life.  Nor should mentoring be prompted merely by human
    sympathy.  Relationships built on those faulty motivations are doomed
    to be shallow and self-serving.  I did feel sorry for Caroline's
    suffering, but mentoring out of sympathy or a mere desire to help her
    would have been dangerously wrong.  In my own strength, I would
    inevitably have run out of sympathy and advice, jeopardizing not only
    our friendship but also her faith."
    
    - True spiritual mentoring must be God-centered.  A faithful mentor
    will insistently point away from herself and toward Him.
    
    - The wise mentor will also resist the temptation to make her friend a
    spiritual "carbon copy" of herself.  Encourage the friend to depend on
    God.
    
    - Mentorships differ in duration.  Some mentorships forge life-long
    bonds; other faith partners are together for only a short time.  Life
    circumstances (moving, marriage, baby) often force the end of a
    relationship.  If the mentor has pursued the relationship out of a
    desire to glorify God rather than serve herself, the same obedience
    that began the relationship will recognize the time to end it.  Both
    parties must realize that "He who began the good work in you will
    complete it" (Phil. 1:6, NIV)
    
    HINTS FOR MENTORS:
    
    1. LOOK APPROACHABLE.  Remember that it's hard to ask for help.  A
    smile and an accepting attitude will invite women who need help to come
    to you.
    
    2. LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK, especially at first.  God knows your
    friend's heart, but you may not.  Most women need an accepting ear
    before they can hear a word of encouragement or instruction.
    
    3. ASK the Holy Spirit WHEN and WHAT to speak.  Beware of talking just
    to avoid silence.  Keep in mind you speak *from* God, not *for* Him. 
    Don't make promises He can't (or won't) keep.
    
    4. SPEAK POSITIVELY.  Negative criticism and scolding rarely accomplish
    what God purposes.  In mentoring, a warm hand and a hug are usually
    more appropriate than a sermon.  For the most part, leave the
    chastising to God.
    
    5. BLANKET YOUR EFFORTS IN PRAYER.  Besides being obedient, talking
    regularly with God is probably the most important thing you can do for
    your friend and yourself.
    
    6. GUARD YOUR SCHEDULE.  Mentoring takes time; don't form too many
    close relationships at once.  Remember, Jesus is the Savior.
    
    WHEN YOU NEED A MENTOR:
    
    1. IGNORE YOUR FEAR OF REJECTION.  When you sense a void in your life
    and feel the need for counsel and guidance, ask the Holy Spirit to lead
    you to a godly woman.  Then get ready to meet her, because He's
    probably leading her to you.
    
    2. TELL YOUR MENTOR the truth about your situation, thoughts, and
    feelings.  She needs to know you.  Don't be afraid to be vulnerable;
    both of you are in God's hands.
    
    3. LISTEN AND LEARN.  Don't immediately reject counsel just because the
    ideas may be new to you.  The Holy Spirit wants to use your mentor to
    help you hear the truth of God. 
    
    4. PRAY ABOUT THE COUNSEL YOU ARE GIVEN.  Your mentor is a channel of
    God's grace, but you are responsible for implementing that grace.  Ask
    God to help you understand and accept His will for your life.
    
    5. CONSIDER BECOMING A MENTOR YOURSELF.  God's Word tells us to
    "encourage and strengthen" each other.  Sometimes in life we help;
    sometimes *we* are helped.  Although you may not consider yourself a
    paragon of virtue or a tower of strength, the Holy Spirit can lead you
    to someone who is weaker than you.  As you receive with one hand,
    consider giving with the other.
        

    Karen,
    
    Thanks so much for entering this into the conference.  I read it last
    evening and really was moved by its message.  It's definitely a keeper
    note!
    
    Nancy

    SUMMARY: Article from Herald of Holiness:
    
    "Modesty and the Modern Christian Woman", Marylea Monroe, Pastor,
    Bethel Church of the Nazarene, Cleveland, Ohio.
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Pastor, you really ought to stick to preaching the Bible.  What we
    wear is our business!"
    
    "The church is just too old-fashioned"
    
    "God doesn't care what we wear.  He looks at the heart."
    
    "If some guy gets turned on because of the way I dress, that's his
    problem, not mine."
    
    These are just a few of the comments that I have heard as a woman, a
    church member, a mother, and a pastor.  What bothers me about these
    statements is that they were made by people who belonged to and
    attended church, but what you hear is Christians echoing the values of
    the world.
    
    I believe that Christian women today really want to please God.  Surely
    this includes dressing, acting, and talking ways acceptable to Him.
    
    But in spite of all the blessings of individuality, assertiveness, and
    self-esteem, Christian modesty *must* mean something to modern church
    women.  One thing is sure, however, most women are not going to let men
    tell them how to dress and behave.
    
    What about Holy Scripture?  Does 1 Peter 3:3-4 mean anything to us
    today?  "Don't depend on things like fancy hairdos or gold jewelry or
    expensive clothes to make you look beautiful.  Be beautiful in your
    heart by being gentle and quiet.  This kind of beauty will last, and
    God considers it very special" (CEV).
    
    The challenge we women have is in determining what Christian modesty means
    today.  This is a women's issue - men cannot help us much.  Men have
    ordered women around for centuries, including rules and regulations
    about female appearance.  Men, inside and outside the church, cannot see 
    this issue from our point of view.  Christian women have stood strong
    and firm in defense of the unborn child, the family, drugs,
    pornography.  We have made a positive difference in such matters.  If
    we are to make a positive difference regarding modesty, we must take
    the Bible seriously, receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and
    overcome rage at the historical mistakes the church has made.
    
    WORLDY CULTURE IS NOT OUT TO BUILD WOMEN'S CHARACTER
    ----------------------------------------------------
    
    Entertainment media, advertising, and women's magazines are among the
    powerful influences that define women as sex objects - an insult!  Most
    of the time, I question if the world believes we have any intelligence
    or integrity at all.  The idea that a women is not whole unless she is
    sexually provocative is damaging.  Nothing could be further from God's
    truth.  Yet many women and their daughters have fallen and continue to
    fall into this trap of demoralization and exploitation of women.
    
    The field of advertising has been very successful in breaking down our
    natural inhibitions.  In my opinion, the psychological process that
    restrains our actions, emotions and thoughts is slowly being destroyed. 
    Women today are showered with thoughts that we must look, act, talk,
    and think sexy in order to get anywhere or be someone of value.
    
    We are continually being told that unless we wear seductive clothes,
    use seductive scents, and indulge in seductive behavior, we are less
    than a whole woman - another insult!  The essentials of wholeness are
    modeled by women throughout Scripture.  These holy women were single,
    married, mothers, childless, business women, homemakers, and judges. 
    Their wholeness came from hearts responsive to God, not from a
    particular style of packaging.
    
    Their is a modest and appropriate style of clothing for every situation
    in which a Christian woman would find herself.  Though we are of
    different cultural backgrounds, ages, and sizes, we are allowed to be
    our individual selves in Christ.  We do not have to dress alike to
    dress modestly.
    
    What we wear sends off messages, just like our actions, attitudes, and
    body language.  We have a God-given responsibility to send out pure
    messages.  This responsibility protects us, helps the male population
    to be all that God intends them to be, encourages our children to be
    responsible and models Christ-likeness.
    
    Christian modesty is not wearing dresses that cover our necks, ankles,
    and everything in between.  It is not throwing out all of our cosmetics
    and never returning to the beauty shop.  Nor is is returning to a time
    when others oppressed us with their definitions of modesty.  According
    to Webster's, to be modest is to "show a moderate opinion of one's
    self, one's own value and abilities.  Not to be vain or forward, but to
    be reserved in one's behavior, to do things within reasonable limits,
    not to the extreme."
    
    Our culture is not only exploiting and desensitizing women, it is also
    desnesitizing males.  The more nudity and enticement they see, the more
    they need to be sexually gratified.  Both genders need to work together
    to control the creative but often destructive powers of sexuality and
    channel them towards wholesome goals.
    
    When all is said and done, we will know how to practice modesty when we
    have made Christ Lord of all.  More than anything else, we must become
    women of God.  Then His Spirit will speak to our spirits, and we will
    know.
    
    Somehow I believe that the closer we draw to God, the more natural it
    becomes to think of our apearance and our conduct in terms of the godly
    rather than the worldly.  Each morning as we look in the mirror, we
    will be aware that we belong to God and we are representatives of His
    kingdom.  

    Karen, thanks for entering that!
    
Romans 14:21
It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy
brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

    re: .2 - Spiritual Mentoring
    
    Women:
    
    Is this something that you see happening in your church?  This was not
    evident in the last church I attended; I've only been going to a new
    church for a month, so I don't know if it's happening there either, but
    there is a strong sense of fellowship at the church, in general.
    
    I had the opportunity to spend some time with a woman I've known for
    close to twenty years now (I was a child and she an adult when we met -
    she's about 15 years older than me.)  She spent time with me when I was
    a kid; we always got on and I thought of her as a role model (mentor).  
    Over the past couple of years, Steve and I have developed a nice 
    relationship with she and her husband.  We went to dinner last night, 
    "just us girls", and it was kind of like old times, just us being together 
    talking, since these days most of our time spent together is as a 
    four-some.  She told me she really enjoys spending time with me and 
    getting to know me as a peer, a friend. :)  I really treasure this lady
    and our friendship.  In this relationship, which has spanned almost two 
    decades, the friendship has grown and changed as we have.  Obviously, at 
    the beginning, the relationship was on a different (unequal, i.e. 
    adult/child) footing, but it has evolved to what it is today due in 
    part (I feel) to her willingness to recognize that now I am an adult and 
    learn to communicate on that level.  This is not always possible in other 
    relationships.  It can be due to being 'pigeon-holed', i.e., people
    knowing only one facet of you and being unable to deal when they see
    something different, or simply that some relationships are only for a
    time, while others are long-standing.  As she said last night, the
    dynamics of how friendship evolves (you know, when you "click" with
    someone) and is tested is really intersting, when you stop and consider
    that most of us only have 2 - 5 "really-close-friends" throughout our
    lifetime and how awesome that is considering the many changes (growing,
    changing, marriage, birth, death, etc.) all people go through in their
    lives, at different times and to different extents, no less.  
    
    Yes, Jane Rose, we are blessed.
    
    
    re: .3 - Christian Women and Modesty
    
    Anybody:
    
    Is immodest dress a problem in your church/your 'social circle'?  This
    has not been a problem/issue in the churches I've been a part of (to my
    knowledge), so I found this article interesting.  Maybe I've been too 
    conditioned by the world's standards to notice, but I don't think so.
    
    Karen
           

Can I reply a little to "re: .2", please?

If it isn't happening in your church, what is to prevent it from
happening.  My wife is part of a women's group called "Momsense"
which meets every Wednesday morning.  But I would also recommend
a Spiritual Mentor, as long as you ensure that you're both of
"like precious faith."

I have heard a similar thing for women and men alike, that we each
need to have a Paul, a Timothy, and a Barnabas in our lives.  Paul
is the authority/mentor to you; Timothy is the person you mentor;
and Barnabas is the person who is not impressed with you but loves 
you for who you are - your encourager and the one who can tell you
that your breath smells bad when it does.

Thanks for the step in.

Mark

RE: mentors & "mentoring"

I don't know if it is because my dictionary here at work is inadequate or if
this is another example of where we've taken a word in one form and tried to 
make new forms out of it - ie turning nouns into verbs like we do with disciple.
A disciple is a person not an activity.  Same with mentor.  Its a noun meaning
a wise and trusted teacher or counsellor.  A mentor doesn't mentor.  A mentor
teaches, instructs, guides, and counsels.  In anyone's life, I think there 
are probably very few real mentors, although many people may contribute to 
teaching us about life and important spiritual truths.  

My relationships with women in the church tend to be more on the friend/peer
level.  Sometimes the other woman learns from me, and sometimes I learn from
her, and sometimes we learn together.  Sometimes one person needs encouragement
and support, and sometimes that person could be giving the encouragement and 
support.  Most of my friendships, male or female work that way - give and take,
and share.  My mother is probably the one woman I would name as my mentor.  I
regard the Rabbi at our synagogue as a mentor, and pastor at a former church
that way also.  Now I've had learned a lot of good things from a lot of people
and hold them in high regard, but I think that if I called them all mentors,
it would lessen the meaning of what those few true mentors have done for me.

Leslie

    re: last
    
    Leslie -  yes, I agree with you regarding what a mentor is and 
    can do/has done for one in their life.  I don't consider most of 
    my friends "mentors" either; like yourself, it's give & take, 
    sometimes them encouraging/helping me, and sometimes, I them.
    
    I always appreciate your insightful and thoughtful words.
    
    Karen

    Leslie, Karen,
    
    I have learned to use the word Coach rather than mentor.  It implies to
    me the mutualness that I read in your responses.
    
    
                                       Patricia

    Patricia-
    
    Mentor does not have a negative connotation to me, however, I will
    remember coach as an alternative, even though I have not heard it
    used in this manner before.
    
    Karen

    Mentor doesn't have a negative connotoation to me either, but I also
    didn't think Partricia was implying that it did.

    I do think words can become trivialized by over use and improper use
    which weakens their real meaning.

    Leslie