Conference yukon::christian_v7

Pam,

Praying that you will be given peace of heart in the storm, and that words
will be given you to draw the sting; that your friend will know her heart
revealed to her by the LORD, as she realises the difference in your
reaction, and sees it as something she needs herself.  That the conviction
would come from the LORD, and not from 'you', and open her heart to rejoice 
in salvation.

						In Jesus' love
								Andrew

I don't have any sage words of wisdom beyond what you've said.  Except
exactly what you just did - ask others to pray for you too.  Even ask about
the specific times you will be together, ask other people to pray at that
very time.

I know how hard it can be to not join into something like that.  I'll pray.

Paul

Try to understand the things that make her negative and the things that
put her on edge.  Seeing from another person's perspective is more than
viewing situations as you view them from her perspective; it is viewing 
the situations she faces from the past experiences she's had and brought
to the situations.

For example, there is a dear friend of mine was angry and biting at people.
She suffered from a very poor self esteem.  She was overweight and overweight
people are teased and made fun of.  When she was, she'd react with her biting
sarcasm (or worse) and this would cause a spiral downward in many relationships.
It got to the point where her tongue was a protective offense instead of
a defense.  She would short-circuit people by starting the name calling;
this was a defense barrier more than an offensive posture.

Somehow, you want to put these people on the spiral upward.  But it isn't
easy, because there will always be outside pressures.  When directed at
you, it is okay to say "that hurt" but it is best if you can show that
you're not going to let those words ruin your determination to love that
person.  Let me tell you that at first it is burning coals on the head
because you respond with righteousness to offense.  Later it becomes 
water on dry ground, soaked in greedily - love is like that you know.

This person still has her moments, but she knows without a doubt that 
Mark and Joy love her no matter what.  She still has outside pressures
but she's climbing that spiral upwards.  And remember that climbing up is
a whole lot tougher than sliding down.

There are people who require extra grace and people who need lessons in
giving extra grace.  Perhaps she is supposed to be an example to you!  :-)
And yet, when you depend upon the Lord for your love (because we tire
and want to chuck it), you will see her with different eyes.

Mark

    Thanks everybody,
    
    Mark, I know what you mean.  I think perhaps this is the lesson
    in patience and love that I have been praying for.  So I praise
    God for that.  I know that if anything, if I can get control of
    my own reactions, I will be a better person for it.
    
    I believe that this woman does have very low self-esteem.  I
    can not figure out any other reason that she believes that
    everyone is attacking her.  And perhaps they are, in some
    cases, becasue I know of some parents of other children that
    have call our scouting office and complained about how abrupt
    she is.
    
    Just a minor example is what happened last night:
    
    Boy walks in with his parents and says, " I found a stick "
    
    She and I react at the same time:
    Me "Wow! that's a great stick, why don't you put it over there
    and you can take it home with you."
    She "Put it down!"
    
    Boy "I brought it to help stir the paint"
    
    (which was a good idea since we forgot to bring something to
    stir paint with)
    
    She " We don't need it. "
    
    
    The boy thought he was doing something nice but instead got
    crushed.
    
    Anyway,  I will pray about it. Show her that she is loved
    and try to start us both on the upward spiral that you 
    talk about.
    
    Thanks,
    Pam

You can also help in situations from the boy's perspective.  Being crushed
as he was, he can be helped by you to understand that the woman may be 
under pressures that we don't know about.  Help him to see the times when
he was in a bad mood and said things that hurt that he really didn't want
to say.  For some people, especially adults who seem to be always crabby,
explain that she may have lots and lots of pressures that she is dealing
with.  Then you can enlist him (and others) in trying to be more understanding
and loving to this person.  When you begin to turn the tide of reactions
into the reactions you yourself are trying to have (that is, loving reactions
to negative impacts), you will see that your friend will feel less threatened
by everything and strike out less... the spiral upward.  And in the meantime,
you may heal a boy's wounded ego and put that boy on the path of loving others
as Christ loved us.

Mark

Whenever we are wounded by someone's words, try to make it your FIRST
reaction to say to yourself, "perhaps so-and-so is having trouble somewhere
that I don't know about to cause him/her to lash out at me."

Hey, if our closest family members who we know love us sometimes cut
us to pieces because of something that happened during the day, how
can we know the pressures of life in someone else's home?

Granting that FIRST REACTION benefit of the doubt may help to form
your outward reaction.

Mark

    Mark,
    
    I think one of my problems is that none of my closest family 
    members ever lashed out at me.  I grew up in a family that
    does not yell, argue, fight or raise disagreements. (although
    it is more comfortable that a yelling family, it is it's 
    own dysfunctionality)  I have never been comfortable with
    people disagreeing or yelling so I am oversensitive about
    this.  I think that is why it is hard for me to keep my
    own reactions in check.  
    
    However, since other parents have concerns also, I know I am
    not alone in this.  
    
    I feel convicted to search myself about this.  This is good.
    I will make a plan to 'count to ten' before I react to be
    sure that actions and reactions are loving.
    
    Thanks,
    Pam

Pam, 

I guess this comes under 2 Corinthians 10:5 :
  "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ"
so that when a strange situation comes up, we have to catch ourselves 
before any reactions, and let Him be in control....  

I guess that with a family that *didn't* react violently (in verbal terms), 
to do so should seem strange to you (as it does to me).  Just resist 
letting your behavioural pattern be changed there....

I've met that sort of situation in the past too - being in an environment
where the accepted norm ofbehaviour conflicted with my nature and
preference.  I had to come to terms inside myself with just who I should be
in the situation. 

						God bless
								Andrew

You've been praying to God for patience?  Well, there you go. :-) Don't you
know what a risky prayer that is?  :-)  God is answering and honoring your
prayer. This is how He teaches patience.

Two years ago, I gave God permission to do whatever He needed to do in my
life to make me into the person He needed me to be.  My life has been
incredibly difficult since that time, and through it God has done tremendous
things with me, molding more into His likeness, just as I asked.  While I
heartily recommend doing that, I'd also advise fastening your seatbelt. 
God's teaching methods are extremely effective, but are very often not at all
pleasant.

Paul

	Andrew, 2 VERY good notes.

	Mark, when I read your note on talking to the kid and let him know
what's going on, I thought it was great. But a couple of seconds later it hit
me that if it ever got back to the woman, she might end up telling Pam that she
will raise her kids as she sees fit, etc. 

	Pam, prayer does seem like the thing to do. Only He can help you with
this.


Glen

>	Mark, when I read your note on talking to the kid and let him know
>what's going on, I thought it was great. But a couple of seconds later it hit
>me that if it ever got back to the woman, she might end up telling Pam that she
>will raise her kids as she sees fit, etc. 


I didn't read that the boy was the woman's son.  My mistake.  Naturally, 
the tack taken is slightly different, but the theme is the same: getting
the boy to understand that there may be difficult issues that are behind
the shapr responses.  Understanding that there may be issues blunts the 
points of these barbs.

MM

    I have read some very good replies that really cannot be improved upon
    except to say:"I usually try to see Jesus especially in the face of that
    person" Jesus loves us equally, no matter how we are or what we do.
    It's only the sin in us that He dislikes.
    
    Brother in Christ
    
    Peter