Conference yukon::christian_v7

My heart goes out to you in the pain of knowing what is right to do in 
such a situation.  I'll be praying with and for you all, and hope to be 
back in soon.

						God bless
								Andrew

After bringing this one before the LORD specifically, it is still a knotty 
one to wrestle with!  I believe it should be taken one step at a time.  

As I understand it, your father has virtually lost touch with your mother. 
The communication and opinions come from her family, and these have been 
totally negative, blaming him and excluding him.  We (I) don't know her 
personal position here.  I believe that his first responsibility is to 
go to the woman he married, with whom he made his oath before the LORD 
all those years ago, to explain the change in his life - from the LORD's 
work there - and to confess his sinful life, and to ask for forgiveness.
As well as requesting forgiveness, he will be wanting to share the Saviour 
with her, but this may prove a closed door if she sees either his confessed 
sin as too much of a block, or if she has been personally too much 
influenced by her relatives to have any room to accept him, or if she 
personally has a negative reaction to the LORD.  We should be praying that
her heart will be prepared by the LORD to accept and forgive, and that
there may be room for Him in her heart.  The LORD alone can show the way
forward from there, once this step is taken in faithfulness. 

Possibly if the relatives are totally in control, they may prevent him from 
taking this step, but I believe that he should make every endeavour to take it.

What comes next depends so much on the reslt of this step that it is too 
early to consider any further.

I'm basing my conclusions above on prayerful consideration before the LROD,
and a general reading (in principle) of 1 Corinthians 7, particularly
verses 10-16.  I'd recommend him to read these prayerfully and carefully
each day, looking for the LORD to speak to him through them. 

I will continue to pray. 

						God bless
								Andrew 

>I believe that his first responsibility is to go to the woman he married,
>with whom he made his oath before the LORD all those years ago, to explain
>the change in his life - from the LORD's work there - and to confess his
>sinful life, and to ask for forgiveness.

You make this complex situation sound so simple.

Should he leave the mother of his two youngest children before or after
asking his wife for forgiveness?

Or should he just ask her permission for him to continue to live with
his, so to say, second (or additional) wife and the children they have
had together?

Whatever he does, whomever he chooses as his companion, nothing can remove
from him the obligation to support both of these women and all of his
children, whether of his original marriage or of his other relationship.

/john

    I think that Andrew's reply is a good start.  He doesn't present it as
    anything more than step one, and until step one is done, there can be
    no idea as to step two.

    It may be in this case that divorce is the least odious of the choices
    in that the marriage covenant has already been broken in every way except
    legal, and that a marriage with the other woman exists in every way 
    except legal.  The sin of divorce actually happened long ago, and in some
    ways belongs to your Mom's family as much as to your father, not to excuse
    him, but when I think of the position he was in and is in, I can feel
    great sympathy and empathy.  Would any of us, in his shoes, not knowing
    God at the time, longing for companionship and a partner, but denied one
    through family prejudices and a tragic accident have done much differently?
    As human beings we all make big mistakes and God knows that and covers our  
    sin with the blood of atonement shed by Jesus on the cross.

    But like Andrew, I think the first step is for him to visit his first wife.
    Confess what has happened and ask her forgiveness.  

    I did have one question though.  Is your mother, though paralyzed, aware
    and able to comprehend things, and can she communicate with other people,
    or was that also impacted by the accident and stroke?

    I am so sorry for your family.  Obviously you're having to deal with
    events which have left deep scars that can perhaps be healed over, but not
    erased.  My prayers are with you.  I'm glad you've been able to forgive
    and reconcile.

    Leslie

>The father and children gradually lost touch with the mother, due to the
>discouragement and blame of the mother's relative.

        **The children did not lose contact. We've seen our mother when
        possible. My sister and I live out of state and visit when we
        can. My brother visits every year. We recently saw her at 
        Christmas. It was difficult thought when we were younger, being
        torn between my father and my mothers family.**

> have the children been able to renew any contact with the mother since
> moving out of the parental home; ie have they enough of an ongoing
> relationship with the mother to know how she feels towards the father.

        **I'm not sure how my mother feels. The stroke left her unable
        to speak normally. She says one word replies and half the
        time we don't understand. She used to call me by other names
        and it was discouraging, but I've gotten used to it. Her memory
        (shorterm) is bad, but she can remember things from long ago.
        When my fathers name is mentioned, she raises the middle finger,
        (Ugh) but I'm not sure if that was taught to her by  my aunt.**

>  Did - and does - she herself blame him for the accident, and how does
> she feel about the more recent developments, after 16 years of losing 
> contact?

         **We've always tried to protect my mother, so we don't mention
        my father too often. She doesn't know what has happened these
        past 16 years. I'm not sure if she would understand. I have asked
        my father to visit my mother and ask her himself. He's afraid that
        some of her relatives will show up and cause a ruckus or that
        she'll have another stroke or something or worse: that she'd ask
        for him to take her home. He can't bear any of them, much less
        put my mother through that kind of pain.**

>  I presume that she does not [yet] know the LORD?

        **Again, I'm not sure how she feels or can feel.**

>Has the father's new family come to the LORD as well? - either the mother, 
>or the children as well?

        **I know (gosh I don't even know what to call her?) my father's
        girlfriend (?) goes to worship with him, but I've never asked
        her personnally how she feels about the LORD. The children are
        still young (12  and 9) but I know they go as well.**


    

Hi John,

His obligation to both women is patent.  Anything further is so coloured by 
what happens when he meets his wife that conjecture would be dangerous.

667.3� Should he leave the mother of his two youngest children before or after
667.3� asking his wife for forgiveness?

That is between him and God.  He has committed - by his actions - to this 
second lady, and over something like 13 years has treated them as his
family.  If his heart is now troubling him about intimate aspects, he might
find it better to agree with her to change their relationship.  But the 
timing and decision have to be between him and the LORD.  Her conscience 
on the matter may well also be relevant - they must be treated carefully.

Hello Leslie,
667.4� It may be in this case that divorce is the least odious of the choices
667.4� in that the marriage covenant has already been broken in every way ...

While it may result, I was careful not to allude to the possibility.  It is
imperative that when he visits his wife, it is with a heart desiring
reconciliation and forgiveness for his sin, and for the LORD to heal
attitudes and hearts.  If, in the back of his mind, he sees divorce from
the one he's seeking to reach as the desirable next step, it will hinder
his openness, and potentially ruin the whole gesture.  He needs, for
instance, to be able to respond [only if she raises it], with transparent
honesty, that he does not desire to fracture their relationship further,
and that if she (as is her right) opts for divorce, his acquiescence would
be with sadness, _not_ with relief.  Otherwise his visit would look as much
like 'using' her to regularise his domestic position, as anything coming
out of care for his wife. 

Continuing to carry this before the LORD in my heart, that He would give an
answer of blessing... 

								Andrew 

Hi,

I wondered how things are going here.  We suggested a pretty tough course 
for the father to follow, and I wondered if it was too hard - whether we
need to pray through this stage still (a date?), or whether any other focus
would be appropriate now...

						God bless 
								Andrew