| Meaningful Touch
Sunday, February 3, 1991
Teens, Mark Metcalfe, Leading
Write the following Scripture references on the board:
Genesis 48:9-10, 14 Jacob blesses Joseph's son
Mark 10:13-16 Jesus places his hands on the children
Mark 1:40-42 Jesus healed the leper
When I agreed to lead the class for Allan Douglas, he handed me the
book and said, "Chapter 3." When I got it to work, where I prepare my
lessons, I opened it up and nearly laughed out loud. Today's lesson
is about touching.
Before I came to this church, I had prejudged it because I heard it
was one of those hugging and hand-holding churches. And indeed, when
I came into the church, there were "circles of concern" where strange
people would hold hands with you.
Also, I don't hug people well. But I am learning and I am becoming a
convert to overt expressions of friendship and affection. I don't think
I'll ever be a really gushy person, but the person I am today compared
to the person I was six years ago is a remarkable difference.
You see, part of it is my temperament. I have a temperament that some-
times seems cold and emotionless to people, and to be sure I like to
keep a tight rein on my emotions. It is well and fine that people know
and understand that I like them (or love them) without having to put
my hands and body into the act.
But also, part of it is my upbringing. I grew up in a family of four
boys, no girls and hugging, kissing, and other physical expressions
weren't in overabundance in my home. So we never really learned it.
I can remember a time we went to see my father's cousin and his daugh-
ters. We called them the kissing cousins because they were much freer
with that sort of thing. And we liked it very much.
Today's lesson is about the need for touching and being touched in our
lives. The lesson uses the phrase meaningful touch.
1 Touch is Meaningful
What do you suppose the phrase 'meaningful touch' means?
Illustration 1
A little four-year-old girl became frightened late one night dur-
ing a thunderstorm. After one particularly loud clap of thunder,
she jumped up from her bed, ran down the hall, and burst into her
parents' room. Jumping right in the middle of the bed, she sought
out her parents' arms for comfort and assurance. "Don't worry honey,"
her father said, trying to calm her fears. "The Lord will pro-
tect you." The little girl snuggled closer to her father and said,
"I know, Daddy, but right now I need someone with skin on!"
"This little girl did not doubt her Heavenly Father's ability to pro-
tect her but she was also [subconsciously] aware that He had given her
an earthly father she could run to: someone whom God had entrusted with
a special gift that could bring her comfort, security, and personal
acceptance - the blessing of meaningful touch."
What are some of the positive messages that can be conveyed by touch?
o I love you.
o You are touch-able.
o I want to be near you/with you.
o You are my friend.
o You are my lover.
o I want to comfort you.
o I am happy to be with you.
o (others...)
We were made tactile beings and we need to be touched by those who love
us. "Over one third of our five million touch receptors are centered
in our hands!" Communication is so much more than words from the mouth
or penned on paper.
2 Touch is Symbolic
Genesis 48:9-10, 14 Jacob blesses Joseph's son
The impact of the touch is much more than physical. In the Bible where
the children were blessed, the laying on of the hands was an impor-
tant part of the symbolism.
3 Touch is a Love Medium
Describe a time when a parent / grandparent / teacher touched you in
such a way that you felt loved (perhaps without their even saying so).
Illustration 2
A free-lance reporter from the New York Times was interviewing
Marilyn Munroe years ago. She was aware of Marilyn's past and the
fact that during her early years Marilyn had been shuffled from
one foster home to another. The reporter asked Marilyn, "Did you
ever feel loved by any of the foster families with whom you lived?"
"Once," Marilyn replied, "when I was about seven or eight. The
woman I was living with was putting on makeup, and I was watch-
ing her. She was in a happy mood, so she reached over and pat-
ted my cheeks with her rouge puff.... For that moment, I felt loved
by her."
Marilyn Munroe had tears in her eyes when she remembered this event.
Why? The touch lasted only a few seconds, and it happened years
before. It was even done in a casual, playful way, not an attempt
to communicate great warmth or meaning. But as small as an act
it was, it was like pouring buckets of love and security on the
parched life of a little girl starved for affection.
Touching doesn't even have to always have great import or intent be-
hind it to be a powerful message of acceptance. Being playful with your
children communicates to them that you include them in your lives and
that they are not simply boarders in your home.
Neglecting to meaningfully touch [our] children starves them of gen-
uine acceptance-so much so that it can drive them into the arms of some-
one else who is all to willing to touch them.
There are basic human needs that people will seek if they do not get
them at home, and foremost among these needs is the need for atten-
tion of one sort of another. That attention is a constant barometer
of feeling loved and acceptance.
My temperament steers me towards the tendency to avoid redundancy. For
years, my wife asked me, "Do you love me?" and I would begin to won-
der what I had done to say or show that I didn't love her. "Of course,
I love you. I have already told you so and things haven't changed. Why
do you ask?"
But, because of my thick skull and temperament, she never really doubted
that I loved her, but she was expressing the need to hear it come from
me; the need to feel, everything is okay; he loves me. And even if she
had to initiate and solicit a response from me, she had to have that
verbal or tactile confirmation.
I am still learning the language of other temperaments in an attempt
to understand and be more sensitive to my wife's needs, my children's
needs, and the needs of others. And touching is part of my self-actuated
behavior modification program.
As I said, I have become a convert to the power of touch and the in-
fluence of gentleness because I have seen how it changes a "problem"
child into a child who is free to enjoy what life has to offer instead
of being consumed by the pursuit of that confirmation of acceptance.
I have seen how it affects adult children (myself included) when it
is administered in a genuine, thoughtful manner; not forced out of what
some might think of as their duty to perform.
Are you conscious of a need in your life for more meaningful touches?
How do you know?
I need to give them more than I get them. I recognize the need in my-
self for these touches and I have a loving wife who is a major part
in fulfilling that need. I tell you that everyone needs "strokes" and
touching is a way that melts down barriers and builds bridges.
Are you aware of anyone else who has such a need, maybe in your own
family? How do you recognize it?
4 Keeping in Touch with Your Mate
Last August, when this class began, I taught a lesson on keeping in
touch with your mate. Part of that lesson dealt with physical touch-
ing. Here are some of the items from that lesson:
o Your refusal to touch or allow yourself to be touched during a con-
flict dialogue will be a hindrance to the resolution of the con-
flict.
o Sincere touch opens the communication lines and breaks down the bar-
riers. When you were dating, you couldn't keep your hands off of
her. I'm not asking if the touch is the same, but do you still touch
each other? Hold hands? Walk arm in arm?
o Mechanical touches diminish your relationship. Your touches must
clearly be sincere.
o TOUCH your mate. We were made sexual beings and the touch of a hand
to hand ought to feel good. Soothe, tenderness, calm, excite, care,
heal, mend, love; your touches should reflect these words.
o If you touch your mate only during sex, then you have been miss-
ing some of the sweet moments the enrich and deepen your relation-
ship.
o Rest your hands on your wife's shoulders and tell her how much you
love the smell of her, the feel of her; put your hand on your hus-
bands arm when you're sitting together.
Eighty percent of a woman's physical needs are non-sexual. Yet that
area of married life is important.
5 Keeping in Touch with Your Children
Read Mark 10:13-16 Jesus placed his hands on the children. He not only
showed the importance of children by rebuking his disciples (who were
rebuking the people because they were doing things that were too im-
portant to be interrupted by children), Christ also showed that he un-
derstood the human need to be touched as he scooped the children up
in his arms, "put his hands on them, and blessed them." He didn't sim-
ply wink and wave.
"Surprisingly, studies shows that most parents touch their children
only when necessity demands it.... Otherwise, few parents take advan-
tage of this pleasant effortless way of giving their children that un-
conditional love they so desperately need.... These parents don't know
the fantastic opportunities they are missing. Within their hands, they
have a way of assuring their children's emotional security and their
own success as parents." (Ross Campbell)
That last sentence bears repeating: Within our hands, we have a way
of assuring their children's emotional security and our own success
as parents.
Want to be a successful parent? Stroke your child's hair. Lay your hand
on his or her cheek. Put your hand on his or her shoulder. Put your
arm around them, when you talk with adults or other activities. Hug
them. Play with them and roll around on the floor with them.
If you don't already know this, you will be surprised how giving some-
one else a warm, loving, caring touch touches you both.
6 Keeping in Touch with the Others
Let's say we pass the touching in the areas of the family. What should
we do about others?
As I confessed before, I am not the touchy-feely type. But I take se-
riously the charge of the Pastor to the congregation to help instruct
children in the way that they should go; to be responsible for chil-
dren who come in and out of my world.
I take this further. I am responsible for each any every one of you.
To quote Jacob Marley's response to Ebenezer Scrooge, "Mankind [is]
my business." Dickens wasn't simply making good copy.
While I haven't worked myself up to full body hugs, with some excep-
tions, I am now fairly comfortable with patting someone on the back,
putting my arm around them (I call it my sideways hug), or simply touch-
ing their shoulder with my index finger. But it is a touch; a touch
that communicates a familiarity and a message that I care about you.
Let's all try to begin a self-actuated behavior modification program,
if you are like me and dare to start small and reach out and touch some-
one.
7 Keeping in Touch with the Unlovely
This is a lesson for the advanced class of Christ-centered people. If
you read Mark 1:40-42, you will see that Jesus touched the untouch-
able leper out his great compassion.
There are times when all of have felt or feel untouchable. Praise the
Lord we have a God of compassion who loves us and will reach out and
heal us of our emotional leprosy. And He also will heal us of our sin
leprosy because He loved us so much that He sent his Son for our sakes.
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