Conference wahoo::fishing

890.0. "FISH SHOOTING" by PACKER::BACZKO () Mon Oct 10 1988 08:25

			A Real Fish Story

			  by Dave Barry

		[culled from the Boston Globe, 10/9/88]


  Today, I wish to direct your attention to a situation that should be
alarming to everyone who is concerned about preserving the constitutional 
right of Americans to bear arms against fish.

  This situation was brought to my attention by alert reader Charles W. 
Bostian, who sent me an article from the Roanoke (Va.) Times and World News 
concerning a decision by the Virginia General Assembly that eliminated the 
fish-shooting season in the western part of that state.  You read about 
this kind of thing happening in Communist Russia, but you never think it's 
going to happen here.

  For those of you who do not keep up with sports, I should explain that 
people in western Virginia have been climbing up into the trees and 
shooting down at fish - mostly carp and sucker - since the turn of the 
century.  I swear this is true.  People also do this in Vermont.

  I spoke to Gail McConnell of Fort Blackmore, Va. who has been shooting 
fish in the Clinch River for more than 25 years.  He said that the best 
spot to shoot from is a bough overhanging the water, so you can see the 
fish.

  "You need a high-powered rifle to kill a fish," McConnell said.  "As a 
rule, you don't necessarily hit the fish.  You kill the fish by the bullet 
striking the bottom, and the fish is killed by the concussion."

  McConnell said there are 300 to 500 regular fish-shooters, but they don't 
have tournaments or anything.  Still, I bet it's very exciting to be along 
the Clinch River during fish-shooting season, with the gentle spring breeze 
carrying the telltale "blam" of high-powered ammunition being fired at a 
90-degree angle down into the river, followed by the familiar gentle 
burbling sound of fatally concussed carp bobbing to the surface.  This is 
the traditional way of life that was threatened by the Virginia General 
Assembly.

  Fortunately, the state fish and game commission, after meeting with a 
group of alarmed fish-shooters, has agreed that at its October meeting it 
will consider reinstating the season.  But there will undoubtedly be 
dissenters.  There will be some ecology-nut, bleeding-heart, Sierra-Club-
membership-card-carrying, whale-saving, non-Indiana-National-Guard-serving, 
New-Age-Whole-Earth-herbal-tea-drinking weenies who are going to oppose 
fish-shooting on the grounds that it is unsportsmanlike.  Well, perhaps 
these people will change their tune when they learn about the California 
Attack Fish.
 
  I found out about these fish thanks to Maggie Weatherstone who alertly 
sent me an Associated Press article that appeared with the headline: 
BIOLOGIST SHOCKED AS FISH TAKE BIG BITES OUT OF PEOPLE.  The story states 
that some people were attacked this summer by fish while wading in Lake 
Mendocino.  Here are some actual quotes from victims:

  "That damn fish bit the hell out of me." - Earl Johnson, truck driver.

  "It chomped down right on top of my foot." - Michael Hubley, 13-year-old 
person.

  So I called up the state biologist who investigated the fish attacks, 
Weldon Jones.  "It was kind of scary," he reported.  "We had bites that 
left blood running down the legs."

  [Are you listening, ecology nuts?]

  Jones said his investigation indicated that the attacks were caused by the 
fish being "cranky" from: (a) not having enough food and; (b) protecting 
their nests during spawning.  He also said that the attacks have stopped.

  But that does not mean we should not be alarmed.  Let's examine the 
sequence of events:

  1. Virginia cancels the fish-shooting season.

  2. Within months, fish as far away as California are chomping on people.

  It does not take a rocket scientist to see the connection here.  The 
question is: What should we, the citizenry, do about it?  Should we arm 
ourselves with high-powered rifles?  And would even that be enough 
firepower to cope with today's bolder, crankier fish?

  It was exactly this question that led me to inquire abut buying a missile. 
Fortunately, alert reader Phyliss Cooper had sent me a page from the May 
issue of Aviation Week and Space Technology magazine featuring an 
advertisement that asks, in large letters:  "LOOKING FOR AN UNJAMMABLE 
MISSILE?"  Underneath this is a color picture of the attractive RBS 70 
missle in flight.  The advertisement does not specifically mention whether 
the RBS 70 is effective against fish, but it does state that it is a 
"go-anywhere, do-anything" missile, so I called up the manufacturer, 
Bofors, which is in Sweden.  (Kids: Did you realize that you can dial 
Sweden directly from your home telephone?  Yes!  It's easy!)  I spoke to a 
nice fellow named Sven, who, being foreign, spoke English better than the 
average state legislator.

  "How do I order the RBS 70 missile?" I asked him.

  "We must deal with a government," Sven said.  "We cannot deal with a 
civil person."

  Well, I don't know about you, but I think it's a sorry state of affairs 
when an American citizen is denied the fundamental right to buy missiles by 
phone from Sweden for protection against fish.  Which is why I am urging 
all of you who are as concerned about this matter as I am to pick up the 
phone right now, before it's too late, and seek some kind of counseling.

    

    I can hardly believe that with the Elections almost upon us that
    anybody would take such a controvercial stand on this issue. 
    
    Even the canadates have not discussed this fish shooting in any
    of their debates, At least I've not seen them. If anyone has
    a video tape please distrubite.
    
    Having lived in Virginia and now residing in MA , I can relate to
    the differance of a democratic and a socialist state, Gad ! Just
    think if the Duke gets into power? Naw, Could never happen. People
    are smarter than that.
    
    Anytime someone has some sport thats entertaining, Some bleeding
    heart liberal has to screw it up. Next they will yake away fish
    finders because they give you too much advantage, Then your rods
    & reels.
    
    Why dont they concern themselves with doing somthing productive
    like taking care of all the chemical waste that is being dumpped
    into cheasapeke bay, And killing all the stripers.
    
    Just rember come election time who it was that took the MA fish
    and game funds and gave them to his welfare program instead of letting
    the money go to help wildlife as it is supposed to.
    
                                            NUKE THE DUKE!
    

YO,
      I shouddah brought a gun to Monodonak. One bullet for my partner,
    the rest to shoot fish.
                                    NIGHTCRAWLER~~~~~~~~

    
    Well....this is certainly distressing news to me.  I will probably
    not be able to use my worm/grenade combination at the next noters
    tournament.  Figured I would need the "range" of a grenade to catch
    fish in Monnomonac.
                                                          
    Gitzit'
    

    the effective "killing radius" of a grenade is 10 meters...
    You wouldn't have any luck with one at Mo"no-no-more"gak

    
    
    re.4
    
    	Thanks...that's why I enjoy this notes file...you guys/gals
    are up on all the needed techniques for artificial lures.  I'll just 
    call up Bass Pro and cancel the grenade order.
    
    Gitzit' 
    
    
    
    
    

    re .1
    
    	Walt, I cant agree more than what you have to say about DU-TAX-US.
    Any sportsperson that votes for the duke is voting against what they do
    for enjoyment. If he gets in I'm sure it wont take him much time to
    rape the taxes pulled in from fishing gear sales that is used to help
    the fisheries.
    
    Rich

    In line with what .1 said; please remember that the ONLY reason
    the Duke started the clean-up of Boston Harbor is because a federal
    judge ordered him to.
    
    Jeff

re: .5    
    
Hey Gitzit'

Call up BassPro and place an order for their new Neutronic-Bass-Neutralizer.  
Unlike nuclear devices, this does not destroy the surrounding waters and 
leave the water contaminated but only diables (permanently) all bass in the 
area.  It's available in three sizes:

	  N-B-N Size		Kill Zone
	-----------------------------------
	.001 MegaTon	----	 50 yards
	.1   MegaTon    ----	250 yards
	1.00 MegaTon    ----    2 MILES    <-- industrial strength solution!
  
I think this is the ONLY solution for Monomonac!

-HSJ-    

    Ya know, peoples always ast me why I trow dem sticks of dannymite
    in de lak an I sez dat dey don spect me to sit dere an hold dem
    in my han, do dey?? Besides I don AIM an no fish...dem dat com to
    de top are jes innocint victims.
    
    Coonass

     Maybe the "Duke" (it gripes me to call him that, he's as close
    to John Wayne as Phil Donahue) would like to put some of the Bad
    Asses that he furloughed from MCI Cedar Junction to work for the
    State Fish & Game. That's assuming they are not temporarily out
    of reach plotting/committing their next crime...
    
    --The Irate Skoal Bandit.