| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 130.1 | carry, in twa's | EAYV01::TRAVERS | | Thu May 29 1986 12:03 | 21 |
|
More o a true Story than a joke!
There wis once an auld worthy fishermon gawin aboot the village
o Galston in Ayrshire he had hardly a penny tae his name. One day
another local fishermon decided tae take him fishin tae the River
Doon for the Salmon fishin sum 20 miles awa!. On arrivin at the
bankside, the water wis in spate, so they both takled up fur the
wurm, they fished a pool thegither fur the furst 10 meenits whereupon
the local decided tae go an try a pool upstream, on leavin the auld
worthy got stuck oan the bottom, the local returned aboot an 1.5hrs
later tae see the worthy wi a guid bend oan his rod, quickening
his pace he roared " Are ye intae a fish?" the auld worthy replied
" naw!!, its the same 'stuck'" . Rather amused the local said
"break the blidy hing man, i'll gie ye a couple o hooks, ye mite
hiv kent tae bring more the yin, why did ye no tell me?"
the auld worthy simply shrugged hiz shooders!
The R.Doon is notoriously 'boulder strewn'
Trapper..
|
| 130.2 | A TRUE STORY (ha...ha) | ASGMKA::TOMAS | Joe | Thu May 29 1986 13:35 | 25 |
| It's a fairly well known fact that the average muskie fisherman
will fish for up to 100 hours before catching a muskie, if he even
sees one.
Well, one day this fellow in Wisconsin was out in his boat casting
for hours trying to catch the elusive fish. He glanced up to shore
and noticed a big old log lying in the water, and upon further
inspection, noticed a small hickory nut lying in the water right
next to the log. Apparently this great big grey squirrel up on
the bank noticed it as well, as he promptly scurried down the log
to retrieve this tasty morsel.
All of sudden, the water next to the log erupted as a four foot
muskie that was lying under the shade of the log jumped out, grabbed
the squirrel and swam off. Well...the fisherman, needless to say,
was absolutely astounded at the size of this enourmous fish. He
tried casting repeatedly to entice the muskie to his lure but to
no avail.
A few moments later, he noticed a V-shaped wake heading towards
the log. He couldn't believe his eyes. There was that four foot
muskie again....placing the hickory nut up against the log....
-Joe-
|
| 130.3 | The 'mettle' detector!. | EAYV01::TRAVERS | | Fri May 30 1986 10:05 | 64 |
|
This is wan o the few true stories a ken!, i can vouch fur
it cause i ken 2 o the participants & hiv had minny a guid
blether wi themsels by the bankside!
Big Jock's Prank!
*****************
Big Jock took pity oan Wee Wullie who wis in his 'teens'
an had always expressed his desperation tae catch a seatroot.
So always 'bearing this' in his much respected mind, big Jock
invited wee Wullie an a couple o his ither fishin freens tae
visit the R.Doon which wis in guid fishin ply.
By bankside, big Jock takelled up wee Wullies rod fur
fishin the wurm an explaned how tae fish it, efter that he left
the boy an headed fur wan o his favorit pools. Some time passed
an oan fishin his way back upstream tae whaur he had departed &
noo 2 Samin heavier!,big Jock met his ither freen Boaby, Jock
queeried ,
" how's the boy doin??"
Boaby replied " he got a nice 3lb. seatroot jist 20meenits efter
ye left!, its lyin jist there! oan the bank"
Jock, " whaur is he??" ,
Boaby, " he's up yonder, aboot 40 yds ahint they bushes, he's
fishin like sumbudy possessed, noo that he's had a taste
o the seatroots!"
Jock, drapped his fish & rod an quikkly fin the seatroot , tae
which he quickly bent, an tied a guid few yds o nylon thro its
gils . Boaby looked on in amusemint an queeried whit he wis
gaunny do?
Jock, " come oot the water Boaby an ye'll see!, sit yersel doon
oan the bank there!,an haud this ".
Jock returned an picked up his rod an fish, an roared
" haw, Wullie whaur ur ye?? "
Wullie, appeared within seconds a'tween the bushes somwhit
reluctint tae stoap fishin an replied "up here!"
Jock, " hiv ye got oany?"
Wullie, " aye, there's a nice yin lying aboot ten feet up frae
ye ,in the grass!"
Jock, walked up makin sure Wullie saw his Samin, an liftit it
up sayin "Och Wullie!!, this is jist a wee yin! ye shoodnae hiv
killed it! , its no worth the keepin!"
Big Jock turned an 'fired it' intae midstream!, oan this very action!
as said by big Jock,
" Never!, hiv a witnessed such a 'Highland Fling' as wis performed
that day by wee Wullie oan the banks o the Doon, a'm sure i
heard the ghost o Rabbie Burns laughin as weel !!".
Wee Wullie, wis later consoled when he saw his seatroot being
hauled in a few meenits later by Boaby who, bye the bye, still
laughin, fell in the water!.
* * * *
Funny how hings never happin in wan's when pranks are
played! an suprisin how offen the instigater gets awa unscaithed!
There must be sumhing in the nature o the prank!
cheery the noo............Trapper.
|
| 130.4 | Wonder What the First Two are.....?? | FELIX::SCHOLZ | Ron....and thanks for all the fish | Thu Jun 19 1986 16:18 | 8 |
|
Porkingham's Third Law of Sportfishing:
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around
you.
Ron
|
| 130.5 | What Every Fisherman Dreams Of.... | FELIX::SCHOLZ | Ron....and thanks for all the fish | Tue Jun 24 1986 15:09 | 22 |
| This is a very old joke, but loses nothing in the re-telling.
Seems there was this old (supply your own ethnic group) fisherman
whom one day hooked into this whopper of a fish. After a long fight
he finally boated the fish and much to his surprise the fish spoke
to him, saying, "If you release me I'll grant you any two wishes"
Now the fisherman thought on this a moment and then agree to the
fishes proposal by asking for a glass of (supply your favorite
beverage) that never emptied. ZAP!! And there he was with this full
glass in his hand. Quickly drinking it down lest it disappear as
quickly as it had appreared he watched in amazment as the glass
filled up again. He quickly drank this one and sure enough the glass
once more filled.
The fish then proceded to ask him what his second wish was. Thinking
a moment the fisherman replied,
"I'll have another of these"
|
| 130.6 | WATCH YOUR STEP, PLEASE | PH4VAX::OWENS | The curse of Oogah Juba | Wed Jul 02 1986 15:42 | 26 |
| Two local priests were entertaing a third priest from out of
town. Both of the locals were avid fisherman and decided to take their
companion out for a day on the lake chasing 'the big ones'. The third,
wanting to be accepted by his peers, heartily agreed and the three set
off for the lake.
Not long after leaving the shore and anchoring at their favorite
spot, one of the locals noticed that his tackle box was still on-shore.
"Darn, I left my tackle box ashore!" he said and the out of town priest
began to raise the anchor. "Whoa!! hold on there", said the local "I'll
just walk back and get it." With that the priest hiked up his frocks,
stepped out of the boat and walked back across the water to get his
tacklebox. The out of town priest was amazed and realized this trully
must be a man of God.
Soon after the first local returned the other decided he was thirsty
but noticed that now the cooler was sitting on shore. "No problem", he
said and proceeded to walk back across the water to get his drink. By now
the out of town priest was beginning to question his faith as these two
surely must be on a level above him.
About an hour later the out of town priest got snagged on a bush
by the shore. The locals began pulling up anchor to go rescue his lure but
the out of town priest said no, he would test his faith and go and get it.
He stepped out of the boat and promptly disappeared below the surface.
The first priest turned to the second and asked "You think we should tell
him where the rocks are?"
|
| 130.7 | | GENRAL::FRASHER | | Thu Jul 03 1986 15:01 | 6 |
| Two fishermen had been sitting in their boat all morning drinking
the typical cooler of beer. The call of nature came to both of
them and not seeing any women about, stood up on opposite sides
of the boat and dangled over the side. While relieving himself,
Fred called back over his shoulder, "Boy, is this water cold!".
Bob called back, "Yeah, and its damned deep, too!".
|
| 130.8 | HERE'S ONE | BIGALO::DUMAIS_BOB | | Mon Jul 21 1986 17:11 | 16 |
|
Here's one I heard a few years ago that comes to mind.
A young warden had been assigned to a new district, and had heard
that a certain fellow was a terrible poacher. He decided to ask the poacher
to go fishing with him so that he could have a few words with him as they
fished. He called the poacher and they agreed to go fishing the next day.
They got out on the water in the poachers boat and dropped anchor. As the
warden was setting up his gear the poacher reached into his tackle box, took
out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it over the side. He then
commenced to net the fish which had floated to the top. The warden was
surprised that the poacher would do such a thing while he was there in
the boat with him, and he started to tell the poacher about the laws
governing fishing when, the poacher reached into his tackle box once more,
took out another stick of dynamite, lit it, handed it to the warden and
asked, "What'd you come out here for, to talk or to fish?"
|
| 130.9 | Sick fishy joke | TPLVAX::DODIER | | Tue Jul 29 1986 12:28 | 12 |
| Two friends, Henry and Doo Da decided to go fishing one day.
Henry had a speach problem and only Doo Da could really understand
him. As they were walking down the dock to the boat Henry said
"woorrems". Doo Da said "OK, I'll get the worms and meet you in
the boat. They were out fishing and Henry stood up and fell tipping
the boat over. Doo Da couldn't swim very well and despite Henry's
efforts Doo Da drowned. Henry ran back to Doo Da house to tell his
wife what happened but Doo Da's wife couldn't understand him. Finally
she said "Henry, when your in church and you sing I can understand
you, try singing what you have to say". Henry thought for a second
and then, to the tune of Camptown Races sang "Boat tipped over guess
who died, Doo Da, Doo Da"
|
| 130.10 | Just in time for Breakfast | MELODY::THOMANN | | Wed Jul 30 1986 09:24 | 20 |
| A Fishing Story
A fellow was fishing up and down an old fishing stream all day
with no luck at all. But, he noticed an old woman on the opposite
bank who was taking in a fish every other cast.
He called out, "Excuse me, but could you tell me what your secret
is?"
The woman answered, "murrr murrr murrr".
The man assumed she wasn't all there and he continued to fish
with no luck. Soon he noticed the old woman with both feet dug into
the ground with her reel screaming and her rod nearly bent in half.
He watched for a good 15 minutes and when it appeared she was loosing
the battle he raced acrossed the stream and helped the old woman
land a whopper brown trout.
He once more asked her secret and she replied, "murrr murrr murrr".
He explained he couldn't understand her. She picked up a styrofoam
cup and spit into it and said, "I SAID KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM."
yummy
|
| 130.11 | Some Early Jokes...... | TORA::SCHOLZ | Ron....and thanks for all the fish | Fri Sep 26 1986 17:00 | 47 |
| This really jumping the gun, but I just received my '87 fishing
calendar and a couple of the jokes in there are worth repeating
here.
You all know what a fishing calendar is...........a handy
fishing accessory that doesn't jab you in the thumb when you pick
it up, won't break if it is stepped on, doesn't smell if it is
left out in the sun, and won't ruin your trip if you leave it behind.
Definition time again. This time the word is ANGLING:
The sport of fishing. The commonly accepted source of the term
"angling" is the ancient Indo-European word "anka", meaning "hook,"
but it is more likely that the origin lies in one of the following
archaic words:
Enka - unwise expenditure or useless task
Unglo - one who is tormented by insects
Onko - loud or frequent lamentation
Angi - to deceive
Inkla - to repeat a foolish act
Onklo - possession by demons
Angla - love of pointless suffering
KNOT: a tangle with a name
FLYING FISH: 1. Remarkable tropical fish capable of skimming over
the waves for 100 feet or more on tiny winglike
fins.
2. Any undesirable fresh-water or salt-water fish,
such as carp or scup, which, after being caught
by an angler (see above for definition) seeking
more valuable fish, is propelled violently through
the air with a brisk arm movement
RIVER: Any stretch of moving water large enough to be crossed by
a bridge from which fishing is prohibited.
WATER: The means be which fish pass from a place where they were
biting the day before you get there to the place they will
be biting the day after you leave.
GAMEFISH: Any fish that puts up as much of a fight when caught as
the angler's spouse did prior to his departure.
There are a whole bunch more, but I have to save something for later
this year when this is all we have. The file I mean.
Tight lines, Ron
|
| 130.12 | sit back...relax...'n ENJOY! | AIMHI::TOMAS | Joe | Fri Oct 17 1986 17:06 | 234 |
|
When the snow's flying in the middle of winter and you need a lift...
try this one out. Simply extract this note to a VMS text file and
then type it out.
ENJOY!
-Holeshot- (who's gonna make it out one more time!)
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[22H
|
| 130.13 | What every worm fisherman needs... | TORCH::MACINTYRE | Life's great, then u live forever. | Tue Nov 25 1986 12:45 | 90 |
| <<< HYDRA::DISK$NOTES$LIBRARY:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Dave Barry - Noted humorist >-
================================================================================
Note 278.0 Holiday Shopping No replies
DSSDEV::EPPES "Dignity, always dignity" 83 lines 25-NOV-1986 10:29
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The holiday spirit seizes an unstoppable shopper
by Dave Barry
I have been seized by the holiday season spirit. Everywhere I look I
see Jolly Old St. Nick and his band of lovable helpers, the Seven
Dwarfs, delivering the traditional holiday season message that has
sustained the hopes of all mankind for nearly 2,000 years: Go shopping.
And I will. I will wait until the last minute, when the holiday spirit
is at its very peak and I have to hack my way to a sales clerk with a
machete, and then I will shop for everybody on my list. Here is my list:
MY WIFE: For my wife's gift, I will go, as I always do, to the
department store cosmetics counter. This is a very scary place for a
guy to go, because of the deep-rooted guy fear that you might acquire a
permanent French aroma and the other guys will never talk with you
about sports again. I'll edge nervously up to the counter, and the
saleswoman, who has been watching me make my approach, will hand me,
without even asking, a gift box, which I bet is known in the cosmetics
industry as the "Guy Looking for Something Nice for His Wife Gift Box,"
which contains three or four little bottles of fragrances with names
like "Eau de Eau." Nevertheless, I'll give my wife this gift box, and
she'll react with genuinely feigned happy surprise, as though this were
not the 13th consecutive year I surprised her with the same identical gift.
MY SON: My son is 6, and he already has the entire Masters of the
Universe collection, including Moss Man and Stinkor and Castle
Grayskull and Snake Mountain and the optional Slime Pit. He has the
Transformers. He has the Inhumanoids. He has a Care Bear, a Popple, a
Wuzzle, and a Snork. In short, he already has everything a person
could want.
So my only hope is that some thoughtful toy manufacturer will come up
with a new product for little boys and girls this holiday season and
advertise it extensively on the morning cartoon shows. What a
wonderful holiday season miracle that would be, right, parents?! It
would make this a time of innocent childlike wonder, just like the very
first holiday season ever, when the three Wise Men came to Bethlehem
bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and the G.I. Joe Field Attack
Missile Launch Vehicle (batteries not included).
MY MOTHER: My mother's idea of a really festive holiday season would
be if we all gathered around the tree and pulled out our wallets and
showed her how much money we saved by not buying her gifts.
EVERYBODY ELSE ON MY LIST: Thanks to an alert reader named Wendy
Klemick, I have found the perfect gift concept for everybody else on my
list: worm blowers. I swear I am not making this concept up. It
comes from a company called Cabela's out in Sidney, Neb., "World's
Foremost Outfitter of Fishing, Hunting, and Outdoor Gear." The worm
blower, which looks in the catalog like a nasal-spray squirter with a
little hypodermic needle sticking out, is described thusly:
"A must for all serious worm fishermen, the Lindy Worm Blower is a
practical way to inflate night crawlers with air."
I don't know about you, but hardly a day goes by when I don't hear a
serious worm fisherman say: "Darn it, if we can land a man on the
moon, why can't we come up with a practical way to inflate night
crawlers with air?!" And I cannot help but agree, as would anyone who
has ever tried to do it the old, impractical way. The worm blower
sells for a very reasonable $1.99 per pair, and I myself have used
Cabela's convenient toll-free number (800-237-4444) to order five pair
already.
By the way, another alert reader, named Claire Martin, sent me a
catalog from a company called Health Edco Inc., "America's Leading
Health Education Company" (800-433-2677), which is chock-full of
amazing items that I think would make very thoughtful gifts, such as
(I am still not making this up) an actual model of a colon ("soft,
lifelike...contains polyps") for just $39. It would complement any
decor, and I am sure it could be used as part of a fun and educational
game to "break the ice" at formal dinner parties. Another item is "Mr.
Grossmouth," a highlyl realistic, hand-painted model of the inside of
the mouth of somebody who chews tobacco and has thus acquired several
very bad diseases. "Comes with bottle of gross tobacco juice to make
him spit!" states the catalog. "Leaves a lasting impression," it adds,
unnecessarily.
[from the San Jose Mercury News, Saturday, Nov. 15, 1986]
|
| 130.15 | I'm out of bait honey! | TPLVAX::DODIER | Have a good whatever.......... | Thu Dec 11 1986 14:16 | 28 |
| Note: If you are upset easily by jokes possibly labeled "in bad taste",
then hit Next Unseen.
A honeymoon couple arrived at a hotel with the wife carrying
the luggage and the husband carrying fishing poles and tackle. They
checked in and the bellhop showed them to their room. About 15 minutes
later, the husband came running down the stairs and out the door
with poles and tackle in hand. About 15 minutes later, back he comes
and then left as quickly as he came. After happening a couple of
times, the clerk at the front desk stopped him and asked why he wasn't
up in his room doing what most honeymoon couples do. He replied
that he couldn't because his wife had gonarhea, diarrhea, and piarrhea.
So the desk clerk asks, "Why the heck did you marry her then ?". The
husband replies, "Because she has worms too!".
|
| 130.16 | | AIMHI::TOMAS | Joe | Thu Dec 11 1986 15:02 | 5 |
| Gee...I wonder if that's what DonMac's honeymoon was like?
(sorry Cathy...no offense meant!)
|
| 130.17 | GRRRRROWL! | TORCH::MACINTYRE | Life's great, then u live forever. | Thu Dec 11 1986 17:27 | 11 |
| Now THAT's pushing it Joe! Luckily I have a good sense of humor....
After reading the first line of that joke, I KNEW that the next
reply was gonna be from you...
However, I'M SURE you were just referring to the part about carrying
the tackle box and rods... Now THAT was right on the money!
Don Mac "The Honeymoon Hawger"
|
| 130.18 | Caveat Noters | TORCH::MACINTYRE | Life's great, then u live forever. | Thu Jan 15 1987 10:06 | 18 |
| WARNING! Possibly Offensive Joke Follows WARNING!
Do NOT press RETURN if you think you may be offended!
Adam and Eve had just finished a rather strenuous romantic interlude,
and Eve had gone down to the stream to "freshen up". Adam was relaxing,
chewing on a piece of straw, (they didn't have cigarettes then) when
God spoke to him from the sky. "Adam", God said, "How's everything going?"
Adam replied, "Things are just fine. The garden is nice, the weather is
always warm, lots to eat, yup, things are fine." "How about Eve", asked
God. "Oooh, Eve" says Adam, "She is *really* terrific, you did a good job
when you made her, yessiree." "Where is Eve now?" God asked. "Oh we just
had a go at some procreation and she's down at the stream taking a bath"
"Oh no! Is she actually *in* the stream???" cried God. "Well, sure, that's
how you take a bath isn't it?" "Damn", moaned God,
"Now all the fish are going to smell like that"
|
| 130.19 | "HARdeeHARHAR" | BAXTA::BLUM_ED | | Fri Jan 16 1987 06:56 | 5 |
|
Allright DOANMAC....that was a good yoke....glad someone has some dam
bolls around here.....E
|
| 130.20 | | TORCH::MACINTYRE | Life's great, then u live forever. | Mon Feb 16 1987 12:17 | 85 |
|
Something Fishy Here
( by Dave Barry )
Fishing is an excellent way to relax and contemplate the beauty of
nature and get in touch with your inner self and maim and kill fish. Many
people would be much happier if they went fishing. Take Secretary of State
Alexander Haig. He seems *awfully* tense. I think he should take four or
eight years off, buy several hundred six-packs, and go fishing. Al would
probably shoot the fish with a bazooka, but what the heck, as long as he
doesn't start a nuclear war or something.
It's okay to kill fish. It's not like hunting, where you kill friendly
brown-eyed woodland creatures like Bambi and Thumper who talk in squeaky
little voices. Fish are bad. They go to the bathroom in public waters, and
they eat teenagers, as was demonstrated in the fine nature movies 'Jaws I'
and 'Jaws II'. Besides, fish can't feel anything. I know this because I
took a fish apart once, in biology class. The idea was that I would find a
little fish heart and a little fish stomach and a little fish nervous
system, like the diagram in the biology textbook. I found none of these
things. All I found was glop. Fish are nothing but little bags of glop
swimming around with fish heads in front, so don't waste your pity.
*** *** ***
IMPORTANT NOTE: When I talk about fish, I am not talking about whales.
Whales are mammals: they have feelings and can talk to each other, just
like you and me. The only difference between whales and humans is that
whales mate for life. Some evil foreign persons, such as the Japanese and
the Russians, kill whales. The Japanese use them to make efficient
automobiles, which they force Americans to buy so American auto workers
will lose their jobs. The Russian's don't do anything with their whales.
They just use whaling as an excuse to get away from Russia for a couple of
months.
*** *** ***
If you want to fish, you have to decide whether to catch freshwater fish
or saltwater fish. The main saltwater fish are tuna, swordfish, catamarans,
eel, oyster, snook, snipe, wahoo, giant clam, and serpent. To catch them,
you have to go to the Bermuda Triangle in a small boat for several days. If
you need more information on this subject, read 'The Old Man and the Sea',
a book by Ernest Hemingway, a famous dead writer. In the book, the old man
battles a huge fish for a long time, after which the fish tips the boat
over and kills everybody except Ishmael. No, wait, that's 'Moby-Dick'.
Anyway, if you catch a big fish, the government requires you to have your
picture taken with the fish hanging next to you in case it was stolen. Then
you can take it home and either stuff it and hang it on your wall or, if
you have any taste at all, just throw it in the garbage.
The main freshwater fish are bass, bream, guppy, carp, frog,
muskellunge, piccolo and crappie. Some people claim there are also trout,
but this is a mythical fish, like the Loch Ness Monster. Nobody in recorded
history has ever seen a trout, let alone caught one. I went "trout fishing"
once, with my friend Neil and his uncle Bruce. We'd wander around these
streams, and every now and then Uncle Bruce would point to a shallow pool
of water that any fool could see contained absolutely no fish. "That's
where the trout will be," he'd say, and Neil and I would stand there and
not catch fish for several hours while Uncle Bruce went back to the tent to
drink. I believe his marriage was in trouble.
Some people still believe in trout. You'll see them out by streams on
the first day of trout season, standing shoulder to shoulder. The humorous
thing is that they think the way to catch these mythical trout is to wave
long strings with fuzzy hooks around in the air. I mean, they hardly ever
even put them in the water, for heaven's sake. If there were such a thing
as a trout, the only way it would get caught is if it leaped out of the
water and grabbed a hook as it flew by.
If you want to fish for fish that actually exist, you'll need either
bait or lures. The best bait is worms, which you can find almost anywhere
worms are found. All you do is impale the worm on the hook, wait for the
little worm screams to die down, and toss it in the water. The fish will
come around and nibble on it until it's gone, then they'll give the hook a
gentle tug to let you know it's time to send another worm down.
You can also use artificial lures, which are brightly colored plastic or
metal things with hooks on them that are scientifically designed so they
appear to fish to be brightly colored plastic or metal things with hooks on
them. Fish *love* lures. They gather together in little lure-appreciation
groups, called "schools", and howl with laughter as the lures go by. It's
their major form of entertainment, and they don't want to lose it, so every
now and then they draw lots and the loser has to bite the lure and get
caught. This encourages the fishermen to continue.
|
| 130.21 | From the USENET | FURILO::BLINN | We don't need no steenking badges! | Tue May 19 1987 14:31 | 28 |
| This one's in questionable taste, it was ROT13 on the USENET, so
you decide..
There was a man who liked to fish in near a certain tree beside a lake. He
had been fishing there for a long time when a woman started fishing at the
same tree. At first he was disgruntled (after all, it was *his* tree), but
he soon accepted the situation.
After they had been fishing for several weeks, the man noticed that the
woman consistantly caught more fish than he did. He also noticed that the
woman would fish on one side of the tree for several days and then switch
sides. Some days she wouldn't show up at all.
He couldn't understand how she caught more fish than he did, so he finally
decided to ask her how she did it.
"Excuse me, but I was wondering how you manage to catch more fish than I
do.", he said.
She peered at him and said, "Well, it's like this. When I get up in the
morning, I take a look at my husband's johnson. If it's flopped over to the
left side, I fish on the left side of the tree. If it's on the right side,
I fish on the right."
"What happens if it is standing straight up?"
"Then I don't fish, you damned fool."
|
| 130.22 | Boat horror stories | VICKI::DODIER | | Mon Jul 13 1987 12:56 | 22 |
| This isn't really a joke but as they say, Truth can be stranger
(and funnier) than fiction.
A friend of mine took his two young daughters out on his little
15' runabout for a spin around the lake. He started having a problem
with the throttle cable and came to a stop to check it out. He did
this with the motor running. While he was at the back of the boat checking
the motor, one of his daughters leaned against the throttle/shift
lever sending the boat forward at about � throttle and my friend
off the back of the boat. Neither of the girls knew how to drive
a boat and my friends frantic screams from the water did no good.
He had to swim out of the way to avoid getting run over by his own
boat.
As if this wasn't bad enough, the boat started heading towards
shore. The two girls panicked and jumped out of the boat just before
it slammed into a dock. My friend said the motor ran up until the time
the boat sank.
The reason it was somewhat funny is that all three were wet but
otherwise were not hurt and swam to shore.
RAYJ
|
| 130.23 | Some people just shouldn't have boats | VICKI::DODIER | | Mon Jul 13 1987 13:10 | 12 |
| I felt sort of sorry for my friend in .22 so I told him if he
came down to N.J. (where I was living at the time) he could have
my boat. It was a 15' fiberglass boat and trailer. I was moving
and had no place to keep it anyway. So he came down with my father
to pick it up. On the way back the truck all of a sudden started
swaying back and forth. There was a good reason for this, one of the
axles broke and the tire popped off. It happened right in NYC of
all places. They managed to put the boat and trailer in the back of
the pickup and finally got it home. I'm not sure but I think he
gave up boating after this.
RAYJ
|
| 130.24 | | HPSCAD::BPUISHYS | Bob Puishys | Mon Jul 13 1987 14:44 | 1 |
| Speaking of Jokes Any one ever see that 'hole shot' JOe!
|
| 130.25 | | AIMHI::TOMAS | Joe | Mon Jul 13 1987 15:08 | 3 |
| ahem....
The ONLY jokes are those that WIMP out...
|
| 130.26 | teach 'em how to shut it down | HPSCAD::WHITMAN | Acid rain burns my BASS | Tue Jul 21 1987 09:35 | 19 |
| re .22
< Neither of the girls knew how to drive a boat...
================================================
Ray,
Your friend was very lucky indeed. You didn't say how old the kids
were in your story, but if they were over 5 yrs old they should have been
taught at least how to turn off the ignition key, hit the kill switch, or choke
the engine to death.
I have a 12 yr old daughter and made it a point to let her drive my 16'
MonArk with 75 hp engine. She knows enough to be able to shut it down and (at
12 yrs old) be able to get us back to the dock in one piece if need be. I do
some pretty stupid things sometimes, and would hate to put myself and my kid in
jeopardy because I did't have the foresight to teach her at least how to kill
the engine.
Al
|
| 130.27 | believe it or not it mentions fishing! | RAINBO::MACINTYRE | In search of the Largemouth Bass... | Thu Sep 10 1987 16:12 | 69 |
| "DEC bash snub truly a blessing"
from "Moroney's World" column by Tom Moroney
Friends have been asking," Gee, Tom, aren't you upset that you weren't
invited to Digital's big bash?"
And I reply confidently,"If they don't want me, how big can Digital's
bash really be?"
Tomorrow, Digital Equipment Corporation of Maynard will kick off a 10-day
trade show to pamper favored customers from all over the world.
Digital has hired two cruise ships, including the Queen Elizabeth II, to
serve as floating hotels for DECWORLD '87. Ten thousand hot lunches will
be served daily.
And already 150 foreign journalists are on their way to cover all the
networking miracles expected to take place.
Boston and environs will be wall to wall with people who can factor
trinomials at the speed of sound. Everywhere you look, computer heads will
be shopping for the best deals on software and hardware.
And I'm so happy not to be included.
The reason should be obvious. The man in charge of this wild shindig is
none other than Ken Olsen himself.
Mr. Electricity.
Or, as I like to call him: America's Party Animal.
Last fall, Fortune magazine named Olsen America's most successful
entrepreneur. It's no secret that the 110,000 people who work at Digital refer
to him as God. Even the atheists there will swear he walks on water.
But have a closer look, and you'll find the real Olsen. The one Fortune
magazine says has a unique management style: "technobumpkin."
His heroes, he confesses, are the New England Puritans. And we all know
what a fun bunch they were.
On the magazine's cover, Olsen sports a rumpled fishing hat, the same
headgear that once defined the essence of bon vivants like Fred MacMurray
and Wally Cox.
Turn to the story inside and find our Mr. Computer photographed in a canoe.
Not a yacht. Not at a seaside table in Capri munching a plateful of buttered
prawns. But in a steel-bottomed boat. In a swamp somewhere.
The picture's caption says he likes vacations on remote rivers in Canada.
In a canoe.
Hey, who doesn't?
In addition to his questionable choice in leisure activities, Olsen is
hardly the glass of fashion demanded by his high position. His wardrobe,
after a quick study of the Fortune article, lies somewhere between the pages
of Field and Stream and Home Beautiful.
So out of place is his couture that, when I spotted Olsen in his plaid
shirt, I wanted to donate suit money to the Bass Fishers of America. God
bless them all.
In one of the more-telling passages, we are informed that a favorite
vehicle of Olsen is the 1963 Ford Falcon.
His passport lists his occupation as plain old "engineer." A former
high school teacher knew him to be be, among other things, "dreary."
His brother claims he preferred technical manuals to comic books.
And one anecdote has him completely mesmerized by the workings of an
electric plug.
Olsen once told a reporter, "Sometimes we are not the most exciting
company."
It's like saying Sean Penn is not the most patient man in Hollywood. Or
that the Great Chicago Fire was a weenie roast.
Ken Olsen may build great computers. But when I hear he's giving a party,
I run - I don't walk - for the nearest excuse to stay home.
A copy of Computer Games Weekly under my arm and a glass of warm milk, and
I'm ready to settle in for the night, free of any disapointment from not
being invited to a Digital bash.
Just remember one thing, you party animals. Don't expect dancing in the
streets if you decide DECWORLD '87 is the place for you.
Prepare yourselves, instead, for a Ken Olsen kind of time: Guy Lombardo
records, fruit punch and scintillating chitchat about the best trout
fishing in lower Saskatchewan.
What fun.
[from Sept 7, 1987 Middlesex News, Pg 3A]
|
| 130.28 | Rules of Thumb: | MENSCH::SCHOLZ | Ron....and thanks for all the fish | Tue Dec 01 1987 14:45 | 17 |
| a) Never drink beer in waders.
b) Never fish with a Notary Public.
c) Don't tell jokes in a canoe.
d) On ocean going party boats, always fish to the windward.
e) On camping trips, always bring cheap books with large, soft pages.
f) Never ask a game warden where he got his hat.
g) Dont' take advice from people with missing fingers.
h) Never discuss fishing with a psychiatrist.
Hope this lightens up your day, RR
|
| 130.29 | sticker dare | OLDMAN::MOLLOY | | Wed Dec 02 1987 08:23 | 6 |
| bumper sticker seen on i93 around manchester on saturday.
WORK IS FOR THOSE WHO
DON'T KNOW HOW TO FISH
regards....john
|
| 130.30 | What wrong with a Notary Public????? | COBRA::DUFFY | | Wed Dec 02 1987 15:45 | 8 |
| re:28 b. never fish with a notary public.
Whats wrong with being a notary public and fishing? I love to
fish, but I am also a Notary Public aswell....
Jim Duffy
|
| 130.31 | | BEOWLF::RIEU | You have my WORD on it! | Thu Dec 03 1987 13:00 | 3 |
| Could have something to do with the 'honesty' of some fishermen?
"12 pounds! Do you have a notarized statement of that?"
Denny
|
| 130.32 | | FEISTY::TOMAS | Joe | Thu Dec 03 1987 13:07 | 7 |
|
Honesty?? I thought ALL fisherman were honest and virtuous!
BTW...did I tell about the 9 pounder I caught last year?
|
| 130.33 | | FEISTY::TOMAS | Joe | Fri Apr 01 1988 15:36 | 26 |
| This old timer from South Carolina would frequently go out fishing and always
return with a boat-load of fish. It didn't make any difference when he went
or what the weather was like, he ALWAYS returned to the dock with a boat-load
of fish!
One day, the local game warden decided he accompany the old timer just to see
why this guy was always so successful. The two of them left the dock early one
morning just as the sun started to rise over the lake. The old timer motored
out to his favorite fishin hole, stopped the motor, and dropped anchor. Then,
he opened his tackle box, reached in, grabbed a stick of dynamite, lit it and
threw it overboard before the warden could say or do a thing. A few seconds
later, the water errupted and dozens of fish floated to the surface.
The game warden then shouted at the old timer, "Hey! You can't do that! That's
not only illegal, it's unethical!"
As the warden rambled on, citing the laws that the old man had broken, the old
guy again reached into his tackle box, pulled out another stick of dynamite,
lit it, and this time tossed it to the game warden.
The warden was obviously caught off guard and stood there in absolute amazement
and horror as the fuse burned shorter and shorter.
"Welllll....", the old timer drawled, "ya jus' gonna sit there or are
ya gonna fish?"
|
| 130.34 | Ice fishing | BPOV06::J_AMBERSON | | Thu Jul 07 1988 11:41 | 10 |
| Then there was the guy who decided he was gonna try ice fishing
for the first time. He went to his local tackle store and at the
advice of the clerk bought a bunch of traps, tackle, and bait.
So off he goes. After finding a suitable looking spot he proceeds
to set his traps and while waiting decides to try some jigging. All
of a sudden he hears this voice from above say "There's no fish
under the ice." the guy looks up startled, sees know one, and
continues jigging. Five minutes later the voice returns "There's
no fish under the ice!". The guy looks up and asks, "Is that you
Lord?" The voice replies, "No dummy, I'm the rink manager!"
|
| 130.35 | CYA follows | RAINBO::MACINTYRE | Fish are rising up like birds | Thu Aug 11 1988 13:29 | 62 |
| CAVEAT READERS - this could _possibly_ be considered offensive,
so you probably shouldn't read this...
Don Mac (who may be jeapordizing his co-moderator privs, but just
couldn't resist!)
It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in
downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
Stingray, and it was overheating, so I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my
personal life out of it. OK, Pal?"
While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster
Bar. A real dive, but I knew the owner--he used to play for the
Dolphins. I said, "Hi, Gill!" You have to yell--he's hard of herring.
Gill was also down on his luck--fact is, he was barely keeping his
head below water. I bellied up to the sandbar; he poured me the
usual: rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken not stirred, with a
peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako.
I slipped him a fin--on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped
a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the halibut.
Well, the place was crowded; we were packed in like sardines. They
were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What
sole. Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna, "Salmon
Chanted Evening," and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers,
probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute
little yellowtail, and she's giving me the eye, so I figured this is
my chance for a little fun. You know, piece of Pisces.
But she was saying things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep,
seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink. She
drank like a--she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?" She said,
"Aquarium." I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!"
I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said,
"C'mon, baby, it'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same
old line: "Not tonight. I got a haddock."
And she wasn't kidding, either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest
haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with
mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen, shrimp. Don't come
trolling around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could
see the anchor in his eyes.
I turned to him. I said, "Abalone. You're just being shellfish."
Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, 'cuz he
was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a
sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a
fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel,
kelpless.
I said, "Forget the cods, Gill; this guy's gonna need a sturgeon."
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her
boyfriend. She came over to me. She said, "Hey, big boy, you're
really a game fish. What's your name?" I said, "Marlin."
Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner; I
took her to dance; I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I
went home with her. And what did I get for my troubles? A case of
the clams.
|
| 130.36 | Ha Ha Ha Ho Ho Snicker snicker slap! Hoot hoot... | VIDEO::LEVESQUE | I fish, therefore I am. | Thu Aug 11 1988 13:43 | 8 |
| Don Mac -
Please don't do that again. Everybody around my office thinks I'm
strange 'cause I'm laughing at my computer:-) :-)
Goooooooooooood one.
The Doctah
|
| 130.37 | | VAX4::TOMAS | Joe | Thu Aug 11 1988 16:50 | 3 |
| Ahyup....I think ya just blew your co-mod privs, Don!
Maybe the Worm might volunteer.
|
| 130.38 | I loved it!! | POBOX::VANTILBURG | Once is NEVER enough!! | Fri Aug 12 1988 15:40 | 8 |
| Re: .35
I enjoyed your story very much. It definitely brought a :-) to
my face.
Nancy
|
| 130.39 | ex | ANT::MLOEWE | Dump the Duke & the Kitty litter too | Fri Aug 12 1988 17:19 | 6 |
| re .35
Don, did you find that written down? I once heard it before on
a Dr. Demento tape. It was hilarious.
Mike_L
|
| 130.40 | | RAINBO::MACINTYRE | Fish are rising up like birds | Mon Aug 15 1988 07:47 | 1 |
| re.36 - yea, it was a 'bad joke of the day' last week.....
|
| 130.42 | caught by surprise on this one... :-) | DUNWAY::HANNAN | Don't buy Ivory, & save a species | Tue Aug 22 1989 09:26 | 3 |
| re: .41
:-):-):-)
|
| 130.43 | Prob'ly heard it but wanna know anyway | SA1794::CUZZONES | What a maroon! | Tue Aug 22 1989 15:14 | 6 |
| Hey Don,
If you're gonna censor the good'uns before I read 'em, would someone
send 'em to me by mail? Tim?
-SSS-
|
| 130.44 | yuks | MOSAIC::MACINTYRE | Terminal Angler | Tue Aug 22 1989 16:21 | 5 |
| Steve, it's on the way... it was a good one - I'm going to ask Tim
to just use a wildcard or two and re-enter it - his nodes down, I've
tried to send him mail a few times today.
donmac - who doesn't always like what he has to do as moderator 8^(
|
| 130.45 | | DLOACT::BEAZLEY | | Wed Aug 23 1989 01:11 | 33 |
| Dere wuz wun bout dese tree Cajun fishin buddies. Dey ban fishin fo
many years together but dey not met each oders fambly eber befor. Dey
meet ebery Saturday an fish all day.
Well wun dey ole Jacques Fontenot, he gits hissef wun ob dem bran new
skeeter boats an brangs it along. It got eberythang on it. It got wun
ob dem Eberude motors wit bout a tousin horsepowers. It got more
battreys den my ole Chebrolay. It got a strollin motor an wun ob dem
telebishuns dat look in de water to fin de fish.
He so proud ob dat bateau, yea!!! Dey git all loaded into it an start
don de lak. Dey run don de channel fo awhike an ole Jacques figgur he
wan to fin out jes all he got(he used to hab an ole 18-horse Johnsun an
some time run it wide open). So he push dat trottel all de wey!! Wall
de boat go kinda wibble-wobble an den jes leave de channel an run don
trou de trees!!! Befo dey know wot it run itsef op de biggest cypress
in de lak!!! Dey go all ober de place!! An ole Jacques he don move none
at all. Dey drag him op on de bank an fin out he are daid!!
Well dey leave him dere an walk back to dere truck. 'T-Jean say "Wot we
gonna do, who do we call??" an Jean Baptiste sey "We gotta call de
polise, de coronary, an his fambly". 'T-Jean say "Who gonna tell his
wife?" an Jean Baptiste say "Me, I kin handle it. I got bout de mos
tack ob anybody roun chere".
So dey brought demsefs to Jacques house in Big Mamou an knock on de
door. Wen Jacques wife come to de door Jean Baptiste say "Is dis de
house ob de widow Boudreaux?". Missus Boudreaux say "Our names
Boudreaux, but me, I'm not a widow". An Jean Baptiste say, "De Hell
yore not!!!"
Coonass
|
| 130.46 | Here it is again, with the "wildcards" | SAVVY::LUCIA | He's dead, Jim | Wed Aug 23 1989 13:35 | 32 |
|
<deity> <cursed> Fish
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking by and said, "Wow what a <deity> <cursed> fish!" The sister said,
"Sir, you
shouldn't talk to me like that, I'm a nun." And the man said, "But that's
the name of it, a <deity> <cursed> fish." So, the Sister took the fish back to the
rectory and said, "Mother Superior look at the <deity> <cursed> fish I caught." The
Mother Superior said, "Sister Mary, you shouldn't talk like that."; and
Sister Mary said, "But Mother Superior that's the name of it, a <deity>
<cursed> fish."
So, Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the <deity> <cursed> fish and
i'll clean
it." While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in; and she said,
"Monsignor look at the <deity> <cursed> fish that Sister Mary caught."
The Monsignor
said, "Mother Superior you shouldnt talk like that."; and Mother Superior
said, "But, that's the name of it a <deity> <cursed> fish."
So, the Monsignor said, "Well give me the <deity> <cursed>
fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said,
"Wow, what a nice fish!" Sister Mary then said, "I caught the <deity> <cursed>
fish". And, Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the <deity> <cursed> fish." And
the Monsignor said, "I cooked the <deity> <cursed> fish." And, the new priest
said, "J.C., I like this <insert appropriate four-letter word>ing
place already!"
[ note: it looses something from the original --TJL ]
|
| 130.47 | being moderator isn't always fun | MOSAIC::MACINTYRE | Terminal Angler | Wed Aug 23 1989 15:04 | 4 |
| aw geez, Tim, you didn't have to go THAT far - there was only one
teeny individual little word that was really "against the law"...
donmac - hating to see a good joke white-washed to death
|
| 130.48 | Is he one of our 'Tech Writers? Should be. | CGVAX2::HAGERTY | Jack Hagerty KI1X | Wed Aug 23 1989 20:04 | 2 |
| Coonas -- where you been? I have certainly missed your prose.
|
| 130.49 | | DECWET::HELSEL | Legitimate sporting purpose | Thu Aug 24 1989 13:04 | 2 |
| That looks like a Justin Wilson "oven story". But it's a lot funnier
when Coonass tells it :-0
|
| 130.50 | | 11SRUS::LUCIA | Ice fishing convert | Fri Jan 12 1990 16:07 | 42 |
| Article 1480 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: shlump.nac.dec.com!decwrl!wuarchive!uunet!looking!funny-request
From: [email protected] (Broken Drum)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Fishing safety
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 1 Jan 90 11:30:06 GMT
Sender: [email protected]
Lines: 28
Approved: [email protected]
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came
the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally
caught up to him...
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped..
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden
a valid fishing license..
" Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as
a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid
license !!"
" Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there,
well, he don't have one"...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [email protected]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
|
| 130.51 | | FURTHR::HANNAN | Don't buy Ivory & save a species | Fri Jan 26 1990 13:30 | 24 |
|
There were 2 foreign students of animal husbandry that decided
they would specialize in the study of Cold Water Fish.
One day, they decided that it was the perfect season to go out and
study the animals first-hand. They got all of their gear together and
headed out onto the ice. They unpacked and began to chisel away at the
surface when they hear a loud booming voice,
"THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
They looked at each other in amazement, knowing that the voice came
to them as devine intervention. After a few moments of quiet, they shrugged
their sholders and continued to chisel. Again the voice came,
"THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"
Once again, they looked up in reverence and shook. Again a few moments
passed and they decided to try one more time. And the voice said,
"THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. I SAID THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!!!"
|
| 130.52 | TROLLING ANYONE???? | GENRAL::HUNTER | from SUNNY Colorado, Wayne | Fri Jan 26 1990 16:45 | 12 |
| One day a guy decided to go ice fishing for the first time. So, he
gets out his rod, reel, tackle box, etc. and heads for the lake. When
he gets there, he sets up near the edge of the ice and starts casting.
He's been there casting and reeling in his lures, changing lures,
trying his plastic worms, even used a pig-n-jig for about a half hour.
About then, one of his friends drives up on a snowmobile.
Snowmobiler: Having any luck?
Fisherman: Nope, tried everything!
Snowmobiler: Well, hop on the back. We'll try trolling for a while.
|
| 130.53 | 151-Jamaican Anyone?? | POLAR::MACDONALD | | Tue Feb 20 1990 13:30 | 24 |
| Well this is not a joke, but a true story that only an ice fisherman
would believe.
I was out for my usual Sunday ice-fishing afternoon about three weeks
ago; it had been very cold all week, so my wife said she put something
a little stronger in my lunchpack to keep me warm. About mid-afternoon
it got real nippy so I dug out the "surprise" from my lunchpack; ahhh!
a small flask of 151-proof Jamaican Rum, complete with glass. Now that
is something I could sip-and-savour for the next hour; I poured it in the
glass and set it carefully between my feet, to keep it from spilling.
Everything was fine until I took a fresh live bait from my tank - it
slipped from my hand and landed in my drink.
That poor little fish went crazy, and just about splashed my entire
drink out of the glass. But being the thrifty individual that I am, I
reached into the glass and grabbed him and gently threaded my hook
through his dorsal fin and dropped my line into the hole. Well damnit,
that little SOB headed straight for bottom, and within 15 seconds I
had hooked into a dandy fish. It took me about 3 - 4 minutes to get
the fish to the hole, only to find out that the hole was not big
enough. Well I did the logical thing and kept tension on my line
until I was able to make the hole bigger; after another 5 minutes I
landed the biggest damn speckled trout I had ever seen, 7lbs 14oz and
that little minnow had him right by the throat.
|
| 130.54 | 151 Fish Attractant | WILLEE::MANLEY | | Tue Feb 20 1990 15:07 | 5 |
| RE: .53
That adds new meaning to the word "fish attractant". Lets see how
would that work...one spray for the lure...two sparys for me, 8^}
Better market that idea before Dr. Juice or BPS gets ahold of it.
|
| 130.55 | WHO DAID I'M SRUNK???? | GENRAL::HUNTER | from SUNNY Colorado, Wayne | Wed Feb 21 1990 11:01 | 3 |
| RE: .53
That only works for AGGRESSIVE minnows. You know, get them drunk
and they'll attack the BIGGEST fish in the lake. :-)
|
| 130.56 | On the other hand ....... | WFOV11::WHITTEMORE_J | | Thu Feb 22 1990 09:27 | 6 |
|
> That only works for AGGRESSIVE minnows. You know, get them drunk
> and they'll attack the BIGGEST fish in the lake. :-)
What happens when you get the SUBMISSIVE ones drunk ?!?
|
| 130.57 | who knows ... perhaps!! | POLAR::MACDONALD | | Thu Feb 22 1990 16:11 | 5 |
| re .56
"what happens when you get the SUBMISSIVE ones drunk ?!?"
I expect that all you will pull out of that fishin' hole then will be
one SMILING, HAPPY, EXHAUSTED, LIMP, but SATISFIED minnow!!!!!!
|
| 130.58 | how NOT to launch a boat!!!! | GENRAL::HUNTER | from SUNNY Colorado, Wayne | Mon Feb 26 1990 13:42 | 73 |
| Murphy was SMILING down on me yesterday. The following is TRUE.
Only problem, I needed a movie camera.
While launching my boat for the first time yesterday, the following
occurrences happened:
1. Get boat ready, put plug in drain hole and snap closed.
2. back trailer into water, boat sticks to trailer.
3. Get out of car and go back and stand on trailer tongue and rock boat
free. As boat frees up, it jumps backwards. I fall off trailer
tongue, tearing pants and scratching leg, getting wet to the knee and
elbows.
4. Get up (AIR BLUE BY THIS TIME). Make sure rope attached from boat
to trailer is secure.
5. Get in car, back into water further. GOOD, boat floating.
6. Pull car forward to move boat to where I can get to it without
getting any more wet.
7. Look in mirror. Boat headed out to middle of lake. ROPE BROKE!
8. Kind SOUL pushes boat back to dock where I notice that it is setting
low in the water.
9. Look, SURE ENOUGH, water to bottom of seats at flotation level.
WHAT NOW?????
10. Get 2 kind souls to help me get boat back on trailer to drain out.
Find out that kids have removed nut from drain plug screw. Hence,
drain plug doesn't stay in hole. Lucked out and found nut in bottom of
boat. (Will be exchanged for fiber nut tonight.)
11. After all the water INSIDE the boat drains, I put plug back into
drain hole and make sure it will STAY. Re-launch boat. This time, it
floats.
12. HOWEVER, the BRAND NEW 2" winch strap hooks on a bolt on the
trailer, thereby ripping a hole in the center of the strap. Will have
to sew the strap over the hole to reinforce tear.
13. OK, boat floating, car and trailer parked, ready to climb in boat.
(GETTING INTO BOAT FROM DOCK IS UNEVENTFUL!!!!)
14. Hook electric trolling motor up to battery. Drop into water. Turn
on. IT WORKS!!!!! GREAT!!!!
15. Push back from dock and move out away from launch area with
trolling motor. (UNEVENTFUL)
16. Move to back of boat, catching foot in dip net and falling flat on
face, and hook gas line to motor.
17. Prime motor, set choke, start pulling rope.
18. BUNCHES of pulls later, OH NO. Now I remember, I removed the spark
plug wires for the winter. Remove motor cowling, tilt motor up,
replace wires, tilt motor down, replace cowling.
19. A few more pulls, and motor starts. Almost get ticket for pollution
as blue cloud of smoke heads for the horizon 1/2 mile away.
20. Warm motor up. Start down to idle to shift. Motor dies.
21. NOW WHAT????? OH YAH, I replaced the gasket in the gas tank last
winter. Must be getting more gas. Lean out carb. After a couple more
attempts, motor idles.
22. Head off across lake. Might as well blow the cobwebs out. OPEN IT
UP.
23. Get about 3 miles from launch, motor jumps out of gear. Just idle
it down and shift back. RIGHT???? WRONG!!!! Something blew in the
lower unit gear box.
24. Had to idle back to dock on the electric trolling motor. So, I
drop a lure over the side. MISSED the ONLY strike I had all day while
headed back to the dock!!!!!!
25!!!!! GOOD THINGS ABOUT YESTERDAY????? At least, EVERYTHING WENT
WRONG ON THE SAME DAY!!!!!!
26. P.S. Just in case your wondering, the ONLY problem while getting
the boat back on the trailer was that when I got back to the dock,
EVERYONE on the lake was trying to get their boat out at the same time.
Talk about a Chinese Fire Drill!!!! Have you EVER watched 6 people try
to get boats OUT of the water for the first time during the year AT THE
SAME TIME??????? Almost as funny as watching me try to launch. Had to
wait 15 minutes for an open spot to back the trailer into to get the
boat out.
27. Got home and checked wheel bearings. Guess what???? I'm going to
have to replace the inner seals. New bearing buddies show that inner
seals leak!!!!
MURPHY, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
| 130.59 | great stuff! | DONMAC::MACINTYRE | Terminal Angler | Mon Feb 26 1990 15:22 | 3 |
| I love it! Don't feel bad, we've all had days like that - almost!
donmac
|
| 130.60 | | 11SRUS::LUCIA | Ice fishing makes your worm stiff | Mon Feb 26 1990 16:19 | 1 |
| Let's hope that this doesn't happen in Florida!
|
| 130.61 | But on the BRIGHETR SIDE... | ABACUS::TOMAS | Joe | Mon Feb 26 1990 16:41 | 3 |
| Yeah, but at least you got to WET A LINE!!
We still got STIFF WATER!! Aaaaaarrrggghhhh!! I HATE THIS STUFF!
|
| 130.62 | If I could walk on water.... | CURIE::POPIENIUCK | | Mon Feb 26 1990 17:03 | 66 |
| I've been wanting to tell this for a long time. A group of guys from
DEC (me included) have been going on an annual spring fishing trip for
about 15 years now. Some of us still work at DEC and some have left,
but we still manage this trip/get-together every year. We've gone to
the Rangeley's, Memphemagog, Lake Ontario, and just once, to Moosehead.
That was the trip to remember. Our plan was to camp at Seeboomook
Campground at the northernmost end of the lake making it necessary to
travel about 35-40 miles by dirt logging road. I was the only one with
any experience in that area and it had been quite a few years before
and the roads had, I was sure, changed over the years.
One member of our "crew" is contrary by nature (he's in sales with
DEC). While the rest of us topped our gas tanks and wanted to get on
the road from Greenville (jumping off point into the big woods, i. e.
no gas, no signs, no help except by luck) so as to arrive in daylight,
this guy and his unwilling passenger decided to stop in Greenville for
a restaurant style dinner. We wanted to, and did, press on, saying
we'd meet them further up the road.
After we reached the gate, the keeper told us the water was unusually
high that year and we might not make it across the causeway on one of
the smaller bays. We drove ahead, checked the water and found it to be
about 3.5' deep max. or just a bit too much for the GMC suburban I was
in (and was new at the time). Se we returned to the gate and asked if
there was another way. In typical downeast, the gatekeeper told us
there was and since the people he sent that way earlier hadn't
returned, he thought they must have made it. (Not too reassuring, but
better than nothing.) We told him of our "other half" that might be
along later and asked him to tell them which way we went. He (the
keeper) told us this causeway was a lot longer, but maybe passable.
It was, but barely. It was fully 1/4 mile long. At the start the road
dipped into the lake and across the bay it reemerged. By sending one
of us ahead of the car we made it and the water never got over two feet
deep. Once ont he other side we figured we'd wait for our buddies and
guide them across.
We waited and waited and finally it got dark. Well, they were on their
own. We finally made it to the camp ground about midnight. About 7:30
AM next day our friends showed up.
Indeed, they met the gatekeeper and he told them which way we went.
And he told them that once they got to the causeway to stay to the
right of the markers. Well, these "markers" were just two posts each a
couple hundred yards apart sticking up out of the water. You couldn't
see the road at all. And now it was fully dark to boot. So what did
my friend do? Without having his passenger walk in front of the car,
he proceeded to try to drive acoss the submerged causway in the dark in
a compact Buick, towing a boat. He might have made it too, except for
one thing. Those markers he was supposed to stay to the right of? One
of them already WAS on the right side of the causeway.
About 1/2 way across he nosed over the edge. The hood was half
submerged, headlights fully underwater, but somehow the engine kept
running. He ordered his passenger out to unhook the boat. Once the
door was opened, in rushed a large part of Seeboomook Lake, like up to
the center console, soaking their sleeping bags and other gear on the
back seat floor. Somehow they got the boat unhooked, turned around,
turned around the car after backing it back on the causeway, and got
everything rehooked up and back to the gatehouse, which by this time
was closed and the gate locked. They spent a very cold and miserable
night.
To this day we razz these guys about it. And this guy doesn't fish any
better than he navigates either!
|
| 130.63 | Secret Fishin' Hole | POLAR::MACDONALD | | Wed Feb 28 1990 12:40 | 5 |
| Went down to a big ol' fishin' hole las' Spring where dem fish was
sooooooooo plentiful and sooooooooo hungry I had to hide behind a tree
jus' to bait m' hook.
(and I ain't tellin' where)
|
| 130.64 | Valuing yet another difference.. | TOMCAT::PRESTON | For Duty and Humanity! | Wed Mar 21 1990 09:51 | 81 |
|
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK...
If you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
If you've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
If the primary color of your car is Bondo.
If directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
If you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
If you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug
in the car.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
If you have a hefty bag on the passenger side of the window of your car.
If you have ever barbequed Spam on the grill.
If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message, "For a good
time call ______."
If your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
If Redman chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
If you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
If your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
If you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
If you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
If your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
If your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
If you have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to
"Free Bird."
If you call the boss "dude."
If you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
If you consider your license plate "personalized" becuase your father made it.
If you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
If you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tatoos.
If your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the lube rack.
If you need an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
If after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
If you think "Uncle Buck" from the Bass Pro Catalog is a real person.
|
| 130.65 | | ABACUS::TOMAS | Joe | Fri Sep 07 1990 09:17 | 21 |
| I saw this in Reader's Digest and thought it was appropriate. reprinted
without permission....
-HSJ-
Busy in the yard on afternoon, my father paused to admire his neighbor's
new boat. "Sure is a beauty, Charlie," Dad said. Knowing that Charlie's
wife was conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was
it expensive?"
"The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charlie replied. "But the extras really
hurt."
"You mean things like water skis, life jackets and trailer?" my father
asked.
"No," his neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean the new carpet, the kitchen
cabinets and the living-room furniture."
|
| 130.66 | from leggens | RANGER::MACINTYRE | Terminal Angler | Fri Dec 07 1990 15:21 | 40 |
| As you can probably guess, judging from the person who forwarded this to
me, this joke is not in the best of taste, but sorta funny nonetheless.
If your feeling rather sensative today, then hit 'next unseen'...
If you decide to read it and then have a cow, then take away my moderator
privs and whip me with a 8" Gillraker... 8^)
-donmac
From: XCUSME::WATERS "what are we making weapons for?" 7-DEC-1990 15:02:25.10
To: RICK,X,PARDO,RAY,LES,MAC,ROGGIE,RICH
CC:
Subj:
(forwards removed)
A man went into a sporting goods store and picked out a fishing
rod for $29.95. He went to check out and noticed, to his amazement,
that the cashier was a blind man. The blind man took the rod,
carefully felt it and said, "That'll be $29.95." "That's exactly
right!" said the astonished customer. At that, the customer
reached for his wallet but clumsily dropped it on the floor.
Bending over to pick it up, the customer accidently broke wind.
"That will be $39.95, sir," said the blind cashier.
"But you just told me it was only $29.95!" protested the customer.
"That was before you bought the duck call and catfish bait."
|
| 130.67 | For Coonass | DNEAST::OKERHOLM_PAU | | Thu Dec 20 1990 15:13 | 45 |
|
CAJUN NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas
An' all t'ru de house
Dey don't a t'ing pass
Not even a mouse
As I look out de do'
In de light o' de moon
I t'ink "Manh, you crazy
Or got ol' too soon."
Cuz dere on de by-you
Wen I stretch ma' neck stiff
Dere's eight alligator
A-pullin' de skiff.
An' a little fat drover
Wit' a long pole-ing stick
I know r'at away
Got to be ole St. Nick.
Mo' fas'er an' fas'er
De gator dey came
He whistle an' holler
An' call dem by name.
"Ha, Gatson!
Ha, Tiboy!
Ha, Pierre an' Alcee!
Gee, Ninette!
Gee, Susette!
Celeste an' Renee!
"To de top o' de porch
To de top o' de wall
Make crawl alligator,
An' be sho' you don' fall."
An' I hear him shout loud
As a-splashin' he go
"Merry Christmas to all
'Til I saw you some mo'!"
|
| 130.68 | | SCAACT::BEAZLEY | | Thu Dec 20 1990 15:59 | 5 |
| Hey, dats so gud...!!
But its Gastoon, de nez rouge walleygator!!
Coonass
|
| 130.69 | FISHionary | DONMAC::MACINTYRE | Terminal Angler | Mon Apr 22 1991 12:57 | 122 |
| ================================================================================
Note 311.21 Fishing Stories 21 of 26
CUPMK::T_THEO "BOY, can I make payments!" 117 lines 19-APR-1991 06:39
-< FISHionary >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** The Official Fly Fishermans Dictionary ***
ACTION - What you don't get after fishing all day with your new $700
fly fishing outfit.
ATTRACTOR - A fly that attracts so much attention it scares the bejesus
out of the trout.
BACKING - As in Financial backing, which is what you need to get into
fly fishing.
BANK - Where you go to get financial backing to begin fly fishing.
BAR - Where you go after losing 35 flys in an hour.
BARB - A woman you dated in college that you were thinking of when you
missed the upmteenth strike of the day.
BASS - Trash fish sought by guys in floating Pontiac Firebirds.
BASSHOLES - Guys who fish for bass.
CAST - What you wear on any limb after slipping on slimy rocks at the
bottom of a stream.
CREEL - An EMPTY wicker basket.
CUTTHROAT TROUT - Aren't they all?
DEER HAIR - Fly tying material available from a deer barber.
DENSITY - The average intelligence of bait fishermen.
DRAG - How they find drowned fishermen.
DRAG FREE DRIFT - A stream where ther are no transvestites present.
DREDGING - See TROLLING.
DRESS - What the transvestites where at streamside.
DRY FLY - Theoretical concept not yet perfected, like the Strategic
Defense Initiative.
EMERGER - A fly fisherman after a fall.
FINGERLING - A fully grown brook trout.
FLOATANT - Lead in a liquid state.
FLY - An inaccessible vent in your trousers, covered by several layers of
clothing and chest waders, that you can't get to in time.
FLY TYING - Number one hobby in mental health facilities.
HACKLE - More expensive than sable per square inch.
HOOK - Sales pitch expression used in conjunction with the words "line"
and "sinker" by high priced fly fishing outfitters after selling
a piece of graphite for $500.
KNOTLESS - State of fly fishing nirvana
LEECH - Friend who borrows flys and never replaces them.
LINE - Exaggereated number of fish caught when relating fishing trips
to friends, as in "giving them a line".
MANIPULATE - Purpose of fly fishing advertising.
MINNOW - See FINGERLING.
NET - What you're ready for after you've tried to tie flys.
POCKET WATER - The level to which the water reaches when you step in
a hole while wearing you hip boots.
POLTERGEIST - See TROUT.
POUND TEST - The amount of effort you have to put into deliberately
busting off a fly.
PRESENTATION - Formerly known as a good cast.
PUMPING THE TROUT - A Fly Fisherman's only exercise.
REEL - What you do when you see how much you've spent of equipment.
RISER - Optical illusion, like an oasis.
SELECTIVE - Not hungry.
SPOOK - What happens to the trout the second you get in the water.
STEELHEAD - Great white whale.
STRIPPING - Too obvious a joke.
STUDS - Another one that's too obvious.
TAILWATER - What you slip and land on your tail in.
TAPER - A broken rod that has been repaired with duct tape.
TREBLE HOOK - A hook that causes you to send out high frequency sounds
when you catch it in the back of your ear.
TROLLING - See DREDGING.
TROUT - See POLTERGEIST.
TWITCH - A nervous disorder brought on by excessive fly and leader tying.
WATER - Where trout alledgedly hang out.
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| 130.70 | FISHnet | RANGER::MACINTYRE | Terminal Angler | Mon Jun 03 1991 15:30 | 41 |
| (forwards removed)
Subj: Chuckle for the day
Document: FISHnet Product Desription
Revision History:
First draft, V0.1: MWLP 22-May-1991 A.D.
Introducing FISHnet, the office communcation system of the future.
FISHnet, Fiber Interoffice Sound Hose network is a cooperative effort between
Digital Equipment Corporation, True Value Hardware stores and Herman's Sporting
Goods. The FISHnet enables local area communications via industry standard
conveyance materials and low cost hardware using analog auditory wave
propogation.
FISHnet hardware consists of simple wave propogation material referred to as
the Signal Transmit/Recieve Interconnect Network Grid (STRING). Digital has
selected high strength plastic media commonly used in the maritime industry as
the basis for STRING. STRING is connected at the appropriate end point
communication stations to a Cylindrical Accumulator Node (CAN). The CAN itself
is an industry standard open solution to many containment engineering problems
and is innovatingly being utilized here for communication services. STRING to
CAN connections are handled by the ingenious Key Native Oscillation Transfer
(KNOT) devices devised by Digital Equipment Corporation. This simple, yet
elegant, interface device took years to perfect and has undergone rigorous
testing at our Littleton, MA facility. Multi node STRING confgurations are
implemented utilizing the Entry Yoke Enterprise-wide Hose Oscillation Organizing
Kernal (EYE-HOOK). Through a combination of KNOT and EYE-HOOK technologies,
STRING can be configured across fairly large distances without loss of signal
power. If larger distances are necessary, a separate product, the Yield
Enhancing Language Launcher (YELL) is available to boost signal power.
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| 130.71 | silver lining in *every* cloud... | KAHALA::PRESTON | Judge Thomas isn't the right KIND of black.. | Thu Jul 18 1991 13:51 | 11 |
| I recently received a gift of a Far Side (Gary Larson) mug.
The picture on the mug is of two men in a small boat, fishing in a
lake. Off in the distance, three giant mushroom clouds are rising
over the mountains, and the entire scene is tinged by bright orange
light from the mushroom clouds.
One fisherman says to the other, "*I'll* tell you what this means, Norm..
no size restrictions, and *screw* the limit!"
Ed
|