| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 579.1 | Stolen Boat! | TOMCAT::SUTER | Where will you be on December 8, 1989?? | Thu Jan 04 1990 15:17 | 10 |
|
A man put an Ad in the Personal Column of his newspaper after he
discovered that his boat had been stolen: (True!)
"To whoever stole my boat: I hope that the moter dies as you
are heading down the rapids to the falls and that your mother fails
to attract any attention to your predicament as she runs barking
along the shore!"
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| 579.2 | A variation | BIZNIS::CADMUS | | Fri Jan 05 1990 14:10 | 41 |
|
I heard another version of .1 when I was out on the Stephen Taber last
year ( a 110 yr old windjammer) in Penobscot Bay. Some Yahoo with more
money than brains in about a 45' cruiser gets curious as the devil
as to this old ship with everything up but the cook's underwear so he
comes alongside and starts rubbernecking.
OF course, when he slows down to our speed, he's throwing a wake that
you could mistake for the surf at Waikiki. AS a result, the 16' Diesel
Yawl Boat we are towing starts slamming into the transom- HARD!.
Screaming and yelling at this idiot did no good and one of the crew
jumped in and had to cut the yawl boat loose.
AS our brainless friend took off, the Skipper got on the VHF, called
the vessel and said:
"I sure hope you get your mother to the Vet's in time to get her
shots!"
What was really funny is that he got on the radio that evening and
every boat on Penobcot bay must have heard the story. The next morning,
we are wending our way through one of the smaller harbors and guess who
we come alonside of?- Skipper gets on deck , walks up to the rail,
our brainless freind comes out of the cabin and the shipper asks
"is mom ok?"
FWIW: This is the same skipper who got dressed up in an 1800's sea
captains uniform, loaded the deck cannon(for evening salutes)with
confetti,came up broadside on a nuclear sub in Rockland harbor while he
was under full sail(with the starb'd rail under) and fired the cannon.
Seems he didn't care too much for nukes- the swabbies on the sail
of the sub were hysterical being attacked by a 100+ yr old windjammer.
The whole week was like that-
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| 579.3 | how true | WILKIE::CERIA | Zoooom....splat! | Wed Jan 10 1990 14:15 | 6 |
| The two happiest days of a boat owners life:
The day he bought it!
The day he sold it!
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| 579.4 | I can relate.... | FAIRWY::WILSON | Moe, Larry, Cheese! | Fri Feb 23 1990 14:21 | 35 |
| Are you coming down with this?
Severe Work Avoidance Syndrome: SWAS
Symptoms: Very dangerous, highly contagious and disease rapidly progresses
upon interaction with other SWAS victims. Can cause severe distraction.
Fits of leaving your office and wandering around to shoot the bull with
anyone who looks up. Continuous accessing and scanning of non job related
notes files. Excessive mail messages in between notes scans, to everyone
you can think of, not related to work. Sudden urges to reply with wise
remarks to every mail msg you get. Obsessive need to reply to all non-work
related mail, these are just a few of the obvious symptoms.
Progressive stages of the disease can be exhibited in the following manner:
Leaving your coat in the car along with with your brief case. Scanning
the offices of some higher level people in an attempt to see if the coast
is clear. If possible letting eyes wander to their appointment books in an
attempt to see how long they will be in their meeting. Then finding out
where the meeting is held. Is the meeting over looking my parking spot?!
Is there any way for them to look out the window and see me driving merrily
away??! If so here I sit, if not here I go!
If left untreated and satisfied, disease can progress to planning to take
days off, or worse going out to lunch and not returning. If you exhibit any
of the following symptoms. Leave work immediately and take vacation or just
give in and decide the holidays have arrived! And by all means infect
everyone you can on the way out!
P.S. If you think you have this or your friends start to exhibit other
symptoms, please add them, so we can track and identify this disease
properly.
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| 579.5 | NO KNOWN CURE!!!! :-) | SLALOM::PEARSON | | Mon Feb 26 1990 14:08 | 5 |
| re: -.1
That reminds me of "Fishing Pox" :-)
Jon
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| 579.6 | A little humor (no offense to anyone) | GOLF::WILSON | Outboard owners have longer...seasons! | Tue Sep 25 1990 12:33 | 18 |
| Moved by moderator...
================================================================================
Note 759.0 a little humor (no offense to anyone) No replies
MCIS2::MACKEY 12 lines 25-SEP-1990 11:27
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just had to enter this.
I am sure we have all heard the old joke "why do they call them
bayliners? because they line the bottom of the bay".
Well last month when I was looking at boats down at marine
USA, the salesmen said they had some good prices on Bayliners,
so of course I said the old joke to him (which he's heard a million
times I'm sure) so he replied by saying "but you have to see the 91
models they have improved dramatically, they even come with a new
option on the cruiser models, a see thru hull so that you can
see the boats at the bottom of the bay and avoid hitting them"
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| 579.7 | Outland | GOLF::WILSON | Closed for the season | Mon Nov 26 1990 10:09 | 62 |
|
Did anyone catch the "Outland" comic strip in yesterday's Sunday comics?
What a riot, and how true! The author, Berkely Breathed contributes a
regular monthly column to Boating magazine.
I can't really do it justice by reproducing it here, but I'll try:
** For The Benefit of **
This Newspaper's
VALUED Upwardly Mobile
Readers:
An Outland
Consumer Comparison
of
Favorite Take-Home
Companion/Pets
Today's Trendy Options: A Cat.
A Vietnamese Pot-bellied Pig
A Baby
1) What they're likely to drag into the house:
The baby: A communicable disease
The pig: Your neighbor's cantaloupe rinds
The cat: Cher
2) What are their most endearing little habits?
The cat: Disappearing for several years
The baby: Projectile Raalphing
The pig: Mistaking in-law ears for edible truffles
3) Purchases for proper sanitary care:
For the pig: A shovel
For the cat: Kitty litter
For the baby: A hazardous waste suit and catcher's mitt
4) Sure they're cuddly now, but what will they be like when they get older?
The pig: A fat hairy cigarette smoking slob
The cat: Garfield
The baby: A wanted poster
The Outland Consumer Testing Team's choice for the preferred
trendy family addition is:
A Ski Boat
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| 579.8 | Dave Barry on Boating | KAHALA::SUTER | We dun't need no stinkin' skis, (sometimes) | Wed May 29 1991 10:50 | 96 |
|
JUST ANOTHER SEASONED, HAPPY BOATER OUT FOR A DAY OF GOOD FAMILY FUN
by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, May 26, 1991
Summer is here again, and as the official spokesperson for the
recreational boating industry, I've been asked to remind you that
boating is a fun and relaxing family activity with very little
likelihood that your boat will sink and you'll wind up bobbing
helplessly in the water while sharks chew on your legs as if they
were a pair of giant Slim Jims, *provided that you follow proper
nautical procedures.*
Fortunately, I can tell you what these procedures are, because
I am a veteran "salt" and the owner of a small motorboat, named
Buster Boat. I spend many happy hours at Buster's helm, and I
always feel totally safe, because I know that (a) most nautical
dangers can be avoided through careful preparation, good seamanship
and common sense; and (b) Buster is sitting on a trailer in my
yard. The biggest danger there is spiders, which like to make
webs on Buster's seats because they've figured out that, statis-
tically, Buster is less likely to wind up in water than our house
is.
Sometimes, when I'm sitting at the helm, killing spiders with
the anchor, scanning the horizon of my yard for potential boating
hazards, I turn on Buster's radio and listen to the Marine Forcast,
which is always saying things like: "Barometer leaning to the
southwest at 15 to 37 knots." As a recreational boater, you
should be familiar with these nautical terms. For example, a
"knot" means "about a mile an hour." There is a sound nautical
reason why they don't come right out and say "about a mile an
hour," namely, they want you, the recreational boater, to feel
stupid. They used to be less subtle about it: In the old days,
the Marine Forcast consisted entirely of a guy telling recreation-
al-boater jokes. ("How many recreational boaters does it take to
screw in a light bulb?" "They can't! Sharks have chewed off
their arms!")
The Marine Forecast is always telling you obvious things, such
as which way the wind is blowing, which you can figure out for
yourself just by watching the motion of your spiderwebs. They
never tell you about the serious boating hazards, which are
located - write down this Boating Safety Tip - *under the water.*
It turns out that although the water is basically flat on top,
underneath there are large hostile objects such as reefs and
shoals (or "forecastles") that have been carelessly strewn around,
often smack dab in the path of recreational boaters.
I discovered this shocking fact recently when some friends
visited us in Miami, and in a foolish effort to trick them into
thinking that we sometimes go out on our boat, we actually went
out on our boat. It was a good day for boating, with the baro-
meter gusting at about 47 lters of mercury, and we had no problems
until I decided to make the boat go forward. For some reason,
motorboats are designed to go at only two speeds: "Virtually
Stopped" and "Airborne." We were traveling along at Virtually
Stopped, which seemed inadequate - barnacles were passing us - so
I inched the throttle forward just a teensy bit and *whoooooomm*
suddenly we were passengers on the Space Shuttle Buster. Every
few feet Buster would launch himself completely out of the water
and attain such an altitude that at any moment you expected flight
attendants to appear with the beverage cart, and then *wham* Buster
would crash down onto a particularly hard patch of water, causing
our food and possessions and spiders to bounce overboard, forming
a convenient trail for the sharks to follow. ("Look!" the sharks
were saying. "A set of dentures! It won't be long now!")
In this relaxing and recreational manner we lurched toward
downtown Miami, with me shouting out the various Points of
Interest. *"I think that's a drug dealer!"* I would shout. Or:
*"There goes another possible drug dealer!" I was gesturing
toward these long, sleek motorboats with about 14 engines apiece
that you see roaring around the Miami waters driven by men with no
apparent occupation other than polishing their neck jewelry.
So it was a pleasant tropical scene, with the wind blowing and
the sea foaming and the sun glinting off the narcotics traffickers.
As the captain, I was feeling that pleasant sense of well-being
that comes from being in total command and not realizing that you
are heading directly toward a large underwater pile of sand. I
would say we hit it at about 630 knots, so that when Buster skidded
to a cartoon-style stop, we were in about 6 inches of water, a
depth that the US Coast Guard recommends for craft classified as
"Popsicle sticks of smaller." This meant that, to push Buster off
the sand, my friend John and I had to go *into the water*, which
lapped threateningly around our lower shins. Probably the only
thing that saved our lives was that the dreaded Man-Eating But
Really Flat Shark was not around.
So we did survive, and I'm already looking forward to our next
recreational boating outing, possibly as soon as the next century.
Perhaps, if you're a boater, you'll see me out there! I'll be the
one wearing the shin guards.
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| 579.9 | What is this?! | DONVAN::DECAROLIS | hit the ball-AS LOUD AS U CAN | Mon Jun 03 1991 16:23 | 23 |
|
Somethin's been eating my boat .... and it's *NOT* funny! :>)
A boat eatin' possum (or something) has been visiting the
inside of my boat in the evenings, and chowin' down!
As I was taking the cover off the boat early Saturday a.m.,
I noticed my key chain had been dragged out of its' usual
place, and was lying on the floor, half eaten. This was a
Barefoot International floatie key chain, now it's an
ugly red thing, half eaten with small teeth marks on it!
One of the seats had some bite marks on it, the wheel cover
was pulled off, chapstick eaten, empty coke can had about 20 bite
marks in it....and the boat's interior molding had been
pulled off! I think he also tried to eat one of my speakers!
The beast lives! :+) I parked the boat up closer to the
house, I'm afraid of driving up there and having only half
a boat left!
Jeanne ...this is a true story.
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| 579.10 | Wait til it grows UP ! | ULTRA::BURGESS | Mad Man across the water | Tue Jun 04 1991 09:31 | 18 |
| re <<< Note 579.9 by DONVAN::DECAROLIS "hit the ball-AS LOUD AS U CAN" >>>
> -< What is this?! >-
> Somethin's been eating my boat .... and it's *NOT* funny! :>)
> A boat eatin' possum (or something) has been visiting the
Unlikely.
Baby water buffalo maybe ?
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| 579.11 | | KAHALA::SUTER | We dun't need no stinkin' skis, (sometimes) | Tue Jun 04 1991 11:06 | 14 |
|
Shouldn't this be under the "Rumor" note?
So Jeanne, something has been eating your seats, huh? :-)
I assume the boat is parked where I saw it last, not in the
water...huh?
One thing that will keep the critters out is moth balls. Unfotunately,
they'll also keep the skiers out... but it should air out fast after
a quick spin around the lake. Or you could always go to the trouble
of sticking it back in the garage....
Rick
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| 579.12 | Why should it be under the Rumor note....it's not! | DONVAN::DECAROLIS | hit the ball-AS LOUD AS U CAN | Tue Jun 04 1991 11:52 | 14 |
|
>> One of the seats had some bite marks in it....
Way ahead of you Rick, I was very careful about the wording
of that one! Mothballs are a good idea. Or maybe possum poison. :+)
Right, the boat is land-locked for now. So Reg, I doubt
it was a baby water-buffalo, good guess though! As I
was removing the cover from the back of the boat, I was
half-expecting a rabid crazed possum to come leapin' out
at me!
Juding from the teeth marks, I'd say it was indeed a
boat eatin' possum...the varmit!
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| 579.13 | PORCUPINE! | MR4DEC::DCADMUS | | Tue Jun 04 1991 15:40 | 11 |
|
Sounds like a porcupine to me! These critters love salt and have been
known to eat hatchet and axe handles, shovel handles,shoes,socks,door
latches, leather and just about anything they can chew that has had
salt residue from persperation.
Call your local animal control officer and see if he will lend you a
live trap to catch the critter.
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| 579.14 | | DONVAN::DECAROLIS | Slalom Fever! | Thu Jun 06 1991 15:43 | 7 |
|
A porcupine! At least the critter could have left me
some quills for my pen & ink drawings!
Hope there are no surpizes this weekend!
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| 579.15 | peanut butter and baking soda &check tracks | USRCV1::GEIBELL | NOTHIN LIKE FISH ON ! | Tue Jun 11 1991 11:14 | 31 |
|
In reading the story and replies, I thought the boat was covered? I
doubt a porcupine could get into the boat and the same for a possum.
unless the boat was parked under a tree or close to some object they
could climb up on.
My experiences with critter damage has always pointed toward a
squirrel or chipmunk the can get into anywhere and the chew the crap
outta stuff. so I would be looking more towards a squirrel.
An easy way to tell is take some baking soda and sprinkle it
lightly around the floor of the boat and then check the tracks, and
it vacumes very easily. I have to do this every couple weeks to keep
the fish smell down to a tolerable level. and also with 3 dogs on the
boat it helps with the wet dog smell too, since the lab likes to hang
over the side and bite the waves.
You could make a 1 foot circle of baking soda and put some peanut
butter on a small plate and then check for tracks, since almost all
animals like peanut butter.
Hope this helps, does your insurance cover the damage?
Lee
PS: it may pay you to check out the wiring squirrels like to chew
wires, my mom had to have a bedroom rewired because of red squirrels.
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| 579.16 | Oh....did I wake you??? | DONVAN::DECAROLIS | Slalom Fever! | Mon Jul 08 1991 14:13 | 23 |
|
It took us two hours yesterday to extricate "Rocky_I'll_take_
your_face_off_Raccoon". This raccoon refused to get out of
the boat, insisted on spotting for us :+)! Any threat of
trying to remove him from the boat resulted in one vicious
raccoon.
We tried water, and then throwing a noose around his neck,
but he escaped into a very small hole behind the gas tank,
where we were unable to reach or even see him.
A cup full of amnonia was placed by his hiding place,
which forced him back out. We lassoed him and placed
him into a box.
He is now in the custody of the Merrimack Police. There
was some concern that this raccoon was sick and maybe
be carrying rabies.
Prevention has now been taken in the form of mothballs!
Jeanne
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| 579.17 | | KAHALA::SUTER | We dun't need no stinkin' skis, (sometimes) | Thu Nov 14 1991 16:46 | 9 |
|
I guess this belongs in the humor note....
Many times in life I've refered to *large* cars as "land yachts",
"tanks" and "boats", but leaving work the other day I noticed one
that fit the bill 100% as a boat! It was an Olds Delta 88 with 3
cleats on the trunk..... A real boat!
Rick
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| 579.18 | Dave Barry on Zebra Mussels | GOLF::WILSON | | Mon Mar 23 1992 10:19 | 103 |
| This was sent to me by Keith Greenlaw, with a suggestion to post
it in notes for him. I think it's appropriate! /Rick
DEEP INTRIGUE ON THE LOW SEAS
by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, March 15, 1992
In this crucial election year, with the nation's economic
future hanging in the balance, it is more vital than ever that you, the
American voters, be informed of recent developments concerning the
Giant Mystery Zebra Mussel Brassiere.
As you no doubt recall, we recently reported that the New
York State Department of Environmental Conservation was trying to
determine the ownership of a very large brassiere that had been pulled
out of Lake Ontario with a colony of zebra mussels clinging to it.
Zebra mussels are a new environmental menace that is spreading around
the country at an alarming rate, similar to law-school graduates except
that they (the graduates) have no formal code of ethics.
When we last reported on this story, the DEC had the
Mystery Brassiere under observation, with no clue as to who the owner
was, except that she'd never need a life preserver, if you get our
drift. Shortly after our report appeared, we received a letter from a
Mr. Bob Isaacs of Tonawanda, N.Y., who claims that "the bra in question
probably belongs to my friend Candy." Mr. Isaacs states that in the
summer of 1989, he and Candy were in a small motorboat on the Erie
Canal and Niagara River, and "to make a long story short, her brassiere
found its way onto my head."
By way of supporting (ha, ha!) evidence, Mr. Isaacs
enclosed a color photograph that clearly shows him driving a small
motorboat while wearing a brassiere the size of two regulation beach
umbrellas on his head. As a taxpayer, you have to ask yourself why the
US Coast Gard is frittering away its resources guarding the coast when
this kind of activity is taking place on our inland waterways.
Anyway, Mr. Isaacs states that eventually the brassiere was
lost overboard, and he theorizes that it was carried downstream to Lake
Ontario, where the zebra mussels, often referred to by marine
biologists as "the Lingerie Perverts of the Deep," got hold of it.
Judging from the fact that his letter was neatly typed, we
decided that Mr. Isaacs was a reliable journalism source, and we were
willing to consider the Mystery Brassiere case solved. But just then,
without warning, we received a flood of letters from alert readers
drawing our attention to a new report in The Watertown (N.Y.) Daily
Times written by Christopher Taylor, who has been covering this story
like shrink wrap, and who should, in our opinion, win a Pulitzer Prize
in the prestigious Bivalve-
Encrusted Undergarment Reporting category.
The story, headlined "STRIPPER CLAIMS OWNERSHIP OF ZEBRA
MUSSEL BRASSIERE," states that a striptease dancer named "Busty Heart,"
from Norway, Maine, claims that she recognized the Mystery Brassiere
from a newspaper photgraph.
"That's my bra," she is quoted as saying. She states that
she wore it for an appearance last April at Lou's Cordial Lounge in
Rochester, N.Y., where the bra was raffled off. "One man told me that
he was going to put it on his boat as a sail and it could have blown
off," Miss Heart points out.
We have here a photograph of Miss Heart, and we will note
for the record that the bassiere she is wearing, a size triple-M, makes
the brassiere on Mr Isaac's head look like it belongs to Rainbow Brite.
So we called up Gerard C. LeTendre, who, as the Supervisory
Aquatic Biologist at the New York State Department of Environmental
Conservation's Cape Vincent Fisheries Research Station, is responsible
for keeping an eye on the brassiere. He was aware of Miss Heart's
claim, and in fact had seen a photograph of her.
"This is a big brassiere," he said, "but it would be a
tight fit, getting her into it."
We told Mr. LeTendre about Mr. Isaac's letter, and he
confirmed that it was biologically possible for Candy's brassiere to
have drifted down into Lake Ontario.
"That's just as logical as enything else," he said.
So it looks as though the only way we're going to get to
the bottom of this thing, as a nation, is to have the Senate Judiciary
Committee hold live televised hearings, featuring probing
cross-examinations of the various claimants by Sen. Ted Kennedy, and
culminating in a dramatic courtroom-style reenactment of the motorboat
incident wherein the Mystery Brassiere is placed on the head of Sen.
Orrin Hatch. Wouldn't that be great, voters?
Of course, there could be problems. There is the danger
that the mussels, upon exposure to the Washington humidity - which is
actually denser than Lake Ontario - would escape from the bra and
mustiply like crazy, spreading into vital government agencies such as
the Bureau of Unintelligible Prose, attaching themselves in
overwhelming quantities to filing cabinets and duplication machines and
slower-moving federal employees. The entire government could grind to
a halt until the Pentagon could gear up to move in there with Emergency
Tactical Field Brassieres. It's a chance we're willing to take.
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