Conference vicki::boats

495.0. "Nautical Jargon" by TAZRAT::WHYNOT () Mon Aug 28 1989 13:10

The following is reprinted (without permission) from the fall 1989 issue of
Motorboat Magazine. (which I'm *still* receiving complementary copies of.)
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              Buzzzz Words for Boating  (written by Tom Fexas)

  Marine terminology is a can of worms.  For example, a "ceiling"  is the liner
on the "sides" of the hull.  What you  think would be  the "ceiling" of a cabin
is called the "overhead".  Confusing, isn't it?
  What difference does it really make if you call the pointy end of the boat the
"bow" or the "front"?  What difference does it make if you say, "I am turning to
port" or "I am turning left"?  
  I've observed that people with the  most  boating  experience  use  the fewest
marine terms.  Just like you'll seldom find an experienced yachtsman wearing one
of  those  cheap  captains  hats you buy in  the  marine  store,  complete  with
scrambled eggs on the visor and "Captain" emblazoned in  rhinestones, you'll not
likely find an experienced individual throwing marine jargon about.
  In any field, it's the insecure neophytes who learn the terminology and use it
to show their compatriots that they're knowledgeable.  The guys already  in  the
field don't worry about this and usually call things what they damn well please,
knowing it's  the  results that count.  After you've rammed the dock, it doesn't
really matter if  you  say, "Gee, I stove in the stem on the bolard", or "Gee, I
crashed the front end on that dock thing," does it?
  Using marine terminology can  even  be  dangerous,  since  it  is fraught with
double meanings.  Did you  ever  think  how  a  landlubber  might interpret your
nautical jargon?  Here is a  list  of marine terms as they might be defined by a
landlubber:

Carvel planking - The skin of a hull made up of soft ice cream.

Dinghy - A dark, dirty place.

Ballast - One who participates in ballet dancing.

Camber - A new type of French cheese.

Halyard - A grassy area around a house that is owned by Hal.

Strut - A peculiar way of walking employed by women to attract men.

Rudder - A name for people having ruddy complexions.

Fairbody - A physique that is not particularly exceptional, but not poor either.

Prop - What you use your arm for to support your chin at the bar.

Port - What you drink at the bar.

Starboard - A listless movie actor.

Bow - What you do after performing an outstanding docking maneuver.

Stern - The way you feel after bashing a piling.

Folkboat - A boat anchored off the three mile limit for the purpose of 
           prostitution. (think about it)

Scupper - The meal after lunch.

Slip - The next-to-last article of clothing you remove from a woman's body.

Berth - Sometimes the result of removing the last article of clothing.

Freeboard - A cruise on a vessel that you don't pay for.

Chainplate - A method of securing dinnerware when at sea.

Stemhead - The guy with a long neck and a small head.

Kelp - What you yell for when you're in trouble.

Dockline - Direct telephone access to a physician.

Flying Bridge - A type of card game played on an aircraft.

Seacock - A nautical rooster.

Bulkhead - A person with a very large cranium.

Fuel tanks - Giving thanks for having fuel available.

Berth board - A condition that affects women who've had too many children.

Windward - A section of a hospital for people with chronic gas problems.

Windlass - A condition resulting from successful treatment in a windward.

Chine - What the sun does.

Oar - A woman of ill repute.

Oar lock - A security device that women of ill repute have on their doors.

Cabin sole - A pet fish kept in the cabin.

Thwart - A bump on the skin thought by some to be caused by toads.

Skeg - What beer comes in.

Ketch - A game of ball.

Sloop - One who dribbles food when he eats. 

    Very good article.  :*)
    
    Reminds me of when I was in the Navy.  This guy reports to the ship right
    from boot camp.  Immediately, he starts calling everyone "Mate".  He
    had been in all of 3 months. 
    
    Guess he saw too many movies before he enlisted.  :*)
    
    Lee

    
    'EH MATE, YE FORGOT THE ONLY PERMISSIVE AREA FER BREAKIN' WIND.
    
    
    
                           THE POOP-DECK.
    
    
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