Conference vaxcat::friends

    Chico,
    
    Maybe she had a bad experience with a firearm?  Maybe someone close to
    her was hurt or killed by a gun?  I know that when my fiance died 6
    years ago, I didn't even want to SEE a motorcycle .. never mind talk to
    anyone who owned one.  Now I just avoid the subject if I happen to know
    someone who rides a bike.  Most people understand.
    
    Maybe confront her and ask her what's wrong?  Or if you're not
    comfortable with that, send her mail?
    
    Holly
    

    I have no problem with guns, I can understand the want/need to own
    some, however I have a problem with guns that are designed soley to
    kill people efficiently.  If you want one, that is okay, I will not
    fault you for that, but some people are deathly afraid of any gun, and 
    any phobia is not likely to provide a sane reaction.
    
    My daughters friend will not touch A*N*Y gun, she had a bad experience
    when young with a gun left loaded by her father.  (no body got hurt)
    When she was over I showed her my Ruger .357 Magnum, I showed her that
    it was empty and asked her to pick it up, she did, and I asked her to
    come and watch me shoot some time, and then later I would teach her to
    shoot.  She said, "Okay!"  sure surprised me.
    
    Some people do not like to see weapons that will kill an animal too,
    but how do they handle knives .... Knives kill even People, and Lorena 
    even extended the danger to worse than death area.
    
    Dave�
    
    

    
    
    	RE: Holly
    
    	I understand about having bad experiences and such, but completely
    shunning someone because it's their hobby? It just seemed a little
    extreme to me....I do need to talk with her I suppose....
    
    	RE: Dave�
    
    	>    I have no problem with guns, I can understand the want/need to own
>    some, however I have a problem with guns that are designed soley to
>    kill people efficiently.  
    
    	I'll restrict my comments on that to mail, as I don't think this
    would be the proper place to discuss that...(this conf is much too
    fun!) :)
    
>If you want one, that is okay, I will not
>    fault you for that, but some people are deathly afraid of any gun, and 
>    any phobia is not likely to provide a sane reaction.
    
    	Good point....score one for the media propaganda machine....:*(
    
    	Thanks for the responses so far peeps....other comments most
    welcome! I'm just trying to figure out the best approach here....
    
    
    chico

    
    	Hi,
    
    	I'd confront her.  Simply asking if there's something wrong will
    	open a door.  Then if she says nothing, then mention the gun thing.
    	I like guns myself, but I understand the fear other people have of
    	them.  But as you say, a hobby is a hobby, and you are not the type
    	of person to go off the deep end and put on your "Post Office Hat".
    
    	She's probably just very uncomfortable about it and maybe unable to
    	discuss it with you.  Just by letting her know that you understand
    	her feelings may break the ice!
    
    	Good luck
    
    	>M<

    
    
    	re: >M<
    
    	yes, I will confront her about it. Unfortunately, I'm a big
    "conflict avoider", so this is not an easy thing for me (due to the
    fact I'm sure there's a bit of conflict there).
    
    	Oh well...dive in head first I think.....
    
    
    chico

    
    
    	WELL, you could go at it with the assumption that the problem does
    	NOT lie with the GUN issue and by just asking if there's something
    	wrong will more or less put the ball in HER court.  I KNOW you are
    	a "conflict avoider", and most people are, but if you feel you need
    	to have your new friend be a friend again, then, YUP, it's DIVE IN
    	HEAD first time!!!
    
    	>M<

    
    
    	what a fun prospect...I just hope I don't hit my head on the
    bottom...
    
    
    chico

    Honest reaction here (so people, please don't bite my
    head off for it, ok?).
    
    Firstly, I do think WHATEVER the reason she has for abruptly
    acting like you don't exist is a big red alert "flag" for you,
    possibly giving you insight into who she "really is", in regards
    to her personality, and how she handles uncomfortable situations.
    
    If we assume it is the gun, it would be adult of her to be able 
    to talk to you about her discomfort.  If it is something else
    you "did" to offend her, again, it would be reasonable for her to
    talk to you about it.  If it is something ELSE entirely that is
    bothering her going on in her life, then to IGNORE *YOU*, seems
    to indicate just how self-absorbed she really is, and insensitive
    to others to simply not "see" you, or worse, if she is "transferring"
    her stuff and projecting it on you, that doesn't bode well for a
    great relationship.
    
    I *do* agree that you should show your concern about her seemingly
    distant behavior, and see if she is troubled and needs to talk, or
    if it is something that YOU caused, and have it out..but I am still
    "gun-shy" (no pun intended) about this type of behaviour she is
    displaying, and IMHO, I would think about just where she belongs in
    your life...I get the feeling that you were feeling something special
    for her...well, she may not be *able* to be there for you...so if you
    can live with realistic expectations, then that's cool, just be careful
    not to set yourself up for a fall by expecting more from her than she
    can give.
    
    ..Zoe
     
    
    

    Chico,
    
    From what you say, the lady is in conflict - either with herself, you
    OR someone else.  We all react differently when in this situation - it
    could be that she has withdrawn from you/the world until she has come to an
    agreement with her inner self and has made a decision how she can best
    cope with the situation.
    
    Are you sure it *is* the gun issue that has caused her to behave this
    way toward you?    
    
    I may be in a minority in this notesfile, but personally, I have a dislike 
    for guns.  My upbringing and UK laws concerning fire arms have helped to 
    dictate that - it is not common for  people to own them over here.  
    Some of my feelings stem from fear too.  However, I respect that other 
    people feel differently towards them - that is their right, and there
    is no reason, in my opinion, why I should not talk with that person or
    indeed be friends with them.
    
    This is obviously causing you some distress.  Talking with the person
    openly is the best way to understand what the issue is and then solving
    it.
    
    Hope it works out!
    
    Jackie
    
    

    
    
    re: Zoe
    
    	>    Honest reaction here (so people, please don't bite my
>    head off for it, ok?).
    
    	Hey, I wouldn't do that! I appreciate all responses here....
    
>    Firstly, I do think WHATEVER the reason she has for abruptly
>    acting like you don't exist is a big red alert "flag" for you,
>    possibly giving you insight into who she "really is", in regards
>    to her personality, and how she handles uncomfortable situations.
    
    	True, how she has reacted is akin to someone else I know's reaction,
    and I really don't like that other person much (and there's VERY few
    people I outright don't like). I'm probably better off just letting
    things be....if she can't respect me for who I am, then I shouldn't
    bother worrying about it....
    
>I get the feeling that you were feeling something special
>    for her...well, she may not be *able* to be there for you...so if you
>    can live with realistic expectations, 
    
    	I don't know if it was really feeling something special (other than
    a possible friendship developing). I feel it was more to do with just
    being shocked at her total dismissal of me....I really wasn't prepared
    for that. I know alot of the folks around here are anti-gun, but I have
    great friendships with alot of folks overseas who HATE guns, but like
    me and understand that it's MY hobby/lifestyle. I guess it's true that
    you can't please all the people all the time...
    
    	re: Jackie
    
    	I understand about being gun-shy Jackie, especially being brought
    up in a country with such Draconian gun laws as England! Just an
    interesting note tho'.....England's gun crime has steadily increased
    since the introduction of gun-control in the late '30s early '40s.
    America has a higher rate of gun-crime, but that's always been the
    case....England also has always been much lower in gun crime, even
    before Gun Control legislation.
    
    
    	But, enough of my rambling! :*) This is the ::FRIENDS conference
    after all, and I don't want to start any religious debates about
    gun-control, and I whole heartedly ask the moderators to delete and
    notes dedicated solely so such a topic, should they arise. If anyone is
    interested in more information about firearms, gun-control, laws,
    etc..please send me mail! 
    
    
    	cheers and thanks for all your notes!!
    
    
    			chico

    yup...I would confront the lady aswell....as said before, maybe
    it is something else and not the gun issue that caused her to
    react the way she did....it is strange to say the least...
    
    I personally dont have anything against guns...learned to shoot
    when I was just a kid...which I wouldnt do again though...It is
    not the gun itself that is lethal...it is the finger of the
    person who holds it...as a hobby it is fine and I guess a great
    way to learn to concentrate and control your body...Guns just
    got a bad name cos they end up in the wrong hands...
    
    Confrontations are never nice...but they are necessary...sometimes, 
    if you feel this person is worthwhile...
    
    Good luck
    TJ

    
    
    	Thanks for the words TJ.....mucho appreciated....
    
    
    chico

    dear chico,
    
    not meaning to belabor the point, but wanting to be clear about what 
    I was trying to say...
    /*
    >    Firstly, I do think WHATEVER the reason she has for abruptly
    >    acting like you don't exist is a big red alert "flag" for you,
    >    possibly giving you insight into who she "really is", in regards
    >    to her personality, and how she handles uncomfortable situations.
        
            True, how she has reacted is akin to someone else I know's
    reaction,
        and I really don't like that other person much (and there's VERY
    few
        people I outright don't like). I'm probably better off just letting
        things be....if she can't respect me for who I am, then I shouldn't
        bother worrying about it....
     
    /*
    I really never meant that you should avoid asking her about her
    behaviour.  I think that since you have already mentioned that
    you have difficulty with "confronting" (I hate that word, it assumes
    the worst...a hostile reaction and stuff...), so how about having
    a diffucult questioning someone's "odd" behavior, that if for no 
    other reason than to learn to do this, maybe treat this as a 
    "practice session" (words are lame..sorry), and DO ask her if ANY
    thing is troubling her, as she seems distant.
    
    That way, you will have given her a chance to explain, rather than you
    agonizing over this stuff, or repressing or denying or falsely feeling
    hurt or angry, and you will KNOW just what's going on, and take action
    accordingly.  
    
    So, although she does seem to be showing signs of a "unique
    personality", it's best for your both, but mostly for you, my friend, 
    who I care about, to not just let this slide.  It may turn out to
    be a pretty "empowering" experience having been able to talk to
    her and know that you have done what you could to find out the source
    of this behaviour..and then you can make a decision about your
    "relationship" based on knowledge not speculation!
    
    Go for it..you have a lot of people here supporting you and caring
    about you and will be here for you what ever happens.  Do it for you!
    
    with love and light,
    
    ..Zoe
    
    

    
    
    	Why thank you Zoe! I appreciate you taking the time to really
    explain yourself.....I'll let you all know how things turn out...
    
    
    	chico

    
     well Chico? what was the outcome of all of this! Maybe she found out 
     you are not single???? ;-)
    
     m. ;-)
    
    

    
    
    	:*) that could be it Mark! :*)
    
    
    chico