Conference 7.286::space

115.0. "DB's 'Let's Do Launch Sometime'" by CRVAX1::KAPLOW () Sun Jan 12 1986 01:51

		       Let's Do Launch Sometime

			    By Dave Barry

Dear National Aeronautics and Space Administration:

I read in the paper the other day that you're looking for a journalist
to send up in to space, now that you've launched members of every other
major minority group, and I just thought I'd drop you a note to let you
know that I'm your boy.

As I understand it, you want somebody who can communicate to the general
taxpaying public what a swell idea the space program is, because your
regular astronauts tend to describe the wonders of space, no matter how
profoundly moving they are, as "real good."  If they were to suddenly
encounter a host of angels up there, suffused with the brilliant
multicolored, ever-changing light of a thousand simultaneous sunsets
and singing a song of such sweet sadness that the entire universe seemed
to sway, your current astronauts would look at it and say, "Houston, we
got real good angels here."

You would not have this problem with me up there.  No sir.  I would
train for the mission by working with a thesaurus underwater so as to be
sure I could be articulate in a weightless environment.  And just in case
I got sick during the actual mission, I would carry little emergency
cards with articulate quotations printed on them, so one of the other
astronauts could take over for me:

HOUSTON COMMAND CENTER:

Dave, as journalist, do you have any remarks for the taxpaying public
about how beautiful it is up there, or anything?

ME:

Roger, Houston.  When I look around me at these vast velvet voids, I
feel a sense of barrugggaaahhhhhhh.

HOUSTON:

A sense of what?

ANOTHER ASTRONAUT: (Reading off a little printed card)

Houston, what Dave here was trying to say was that when he looks around
him at these vast voids of velvet we got up here, he feels, quote, a
sense of almost unearthly celery, unquote.

HOUSTON:

Almost unearthly celery?

ASTRONAUT:

No, hold it, that's "serenity."  Sorry about that, Houston.  We got
reduced visibility up here right now on account of Dave blew his lunch
real good all over the cabin.

				* * *

Another reason to choose me as the First Journalist in Space is that I
have an excellent idea for adding some zip to those TV broadcasts from
abort the space shuttle, which have been, let's face it, about as
exciting as French-kissing a plumber's helper.  They mainly consist of
the old Floating Clipboard Trick, in which a bunch of astronauts with
nicknames like "Scottso" and "Doke" gather in front of the camera and
demonstrate that when they let go of a clipboard up in space, it
continues to float there, which would be extremely fascinating to us
taxpayers except that we have been watching this trick for maybe 20
years now.  Nevertheless, Scottso and Doke just keep on doing it and
grinning like cocker spaniels on a hot day, as if it were powerful
entertainment.  So what we need is some new space programming, and I
have just the concept:  "Space Shuttle Bloopers and Practical Jokes".

ED MCMAHON:

Scottso is supposed to go out into space and perform a very difficult
repair on a broken satellite, but what he doesn't know is that we have
spiked his air supply with nitrous oxide, the "laughing gas" you get at
the dentist's office!

DICK CLARK:

So, Scottso will literally be "spaced out," ha ha!  Let's listen in as
Houston tries to talk to him.

HOUSTON:

Scottso, have you removed the access panel yet?

SCOTTSO: (singing)

My boyfriend's back, and there's gonna be trouble...

DICK CLARK:

Ha ha!  Scottso appears to be singing "My Boyfriend's Back", a 1963 hit
recording by the Angels!

ED MCMAHON:

Also, he's taking off his helmet.

HOUSTON:

Scottso, we think maybe you should ...

SCOTTSO:  (Singing)

Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's baAAAAAACCCK.

ED MCMAHON:

Don't you kids try that at home.

				* * *

Another thing.  As the First Journalist in Space, I'd try to answer the
questions that ordinary people have about the space program, like:  How
do you go to the bathroom in space?  I mean, wouldn't everything just
sort of float around, if you get my drift?  So do they use some kind of
suction device?  If so, could it be adapted for use here on Earth,
specifically by my 5-year-old son?  Because although like most
middle-class families, we have gravity in our bathroom, it doesn't seem
to be enough for my son aim-wise.  He is batting around .250, in terms
of how much of his output actually winds up in the commode.  I think
this is an area where the space program could really benefit us
taxpayers.

				* * *

Another common taxpayer question is:  What about sex in space?

HIM:  How was it, for you?
HER:  Real good.

				* * *

So there you have my qualifications for being orbited.  The only
potential problem I see is that when you conduct my routine security
investigation into my background, you're probably going to encounter
certain slanderous rumors regarding an incident in 1963 when I was a
counselor at Camp Sharparoon and somebody snuck over to the barn
belonging to the rival camp, Green Acres, and painted their horse red.
Let me just say in my defense that (a) there was never any concrete
proof connecting me in any way with this repulsive heartless cruel deed,
and (b) I had no idea the horse would get that upset.

				* * *

Also, I know absolutely nothing about how Jeffrey Burbank's mother's
Renault got in that lake.

				* * *

Well, that about covers it.  Give me a ring when you want me to start.
In terms of uniforms, I take a 39 regular.

Regards,

Dave "Bucko" Barry

[Re-printed without permission from the Miami Herald, December 1, 1985]

Posted:	Mon 16-Dec-1985 10:53 EDT
To:	@DIS:HUMOR