Conference unifix::sailing

2272.0. "Cool Point Rating System" by DECC::CLAFLIN (Doug Claflin dtn 381-6355) Mon Jun 24 1996 12:03

For something this bad, all guilty parties should be identified. 
Mark Eklof sent this to me.

From:          Marcus Ward <[email protected]>
Subject:       cool boat (LONG!)

A friend of mine mailed this to me, even with my small knowledge of
sailing,
I found it hilarious. Hope you guys do too...

Marcus

A member of the RAGS staff has come across the secret guide for the
controversial rating system popular on the Grand Prix circuits for
years
but kept from the general sailing public.  The 460 page guide is
written
in the obscure and dry style of all handicap racing rules and is
extremely
complicated.  The rulebook is on file, under lock and key, here at
the
office and we will now present and explain a few of its secrets.
See how
things add up for your boat.  In the Cool Point Rating System, the
more
points the better.

THE BOAT

Post 1990 Farrs, Tripps and Andrews are way cool, give yourself 100
points.
Boats fresh off the 50-footer, Level 40 or MORC-30 footer circuits
all get
75 points. SR33s, J/92s and Melges 24s are all cool and rate very
well with
50 points.  The name should be unique but not cute.  FUJIMO and
WOFTAM
(translations of acronyms unprintable) are worth 75 points.  OSPREY
(-100)
and WIND SPIRIT (-125) are not cool.  Bonuses of up to 100 points
are awarded
for old IOR boats with page-long histories that have been converted
to IMS.

>       Holiday II (-125)

Built by Cookson in New Zealand: +25 points

White epoxy or no bottom paint: +25

Hydraulic vang: -15

Kevlar runners: +5

Teak toerails: -15

>       Holiday II (-15)

No toerails: +5

THE PROGRAM

Lots of boat clothing (belts, foul weather gear, sunglass straps,
etc.)
with boat's name and far-away regattas listed on it:  +21

Everyone wearing it at one time:  -24

Van with name of boat on side:  +0 (it's expected)

Custom boat truck capable of towing boat and equipment container
with
complete rigging shop, beds, VCR and keg cooler:  +33

Consistently the focus of heated rating debates:  +9

Consistently the focus of "Police Beat":  -9

Featured in sailmaker or yacht designer's ads:  +15

Featured in "Embarrassing Moments" or "Rules Review":  -12

> Holiday II (not yet)

Rock star/sailmakers sailing onboard:  +9 each.  Three or more
aboard: -51

No women allowed on boat: -75

Winning everything:  +0 (it's expected)

Getting buried: -21 (unload boat and call new designer immediately)

>  Holiday II (-21)
BOWMEN

From New Zealand, South Africa or Australia:  +15

From England, Ireland or California:  +9

Long hair, under 18, bushy mustache or Chuck Taylors:  +3ead,

Arrested at Block Island or Key West for drunk and disorderly:  +0
(it's expected)

Wearing Lirakes in light air or on boat under 35 feet:  -9

Bleeding:  -9

Over early.  Too hung over:  -12

Over early.  Profiling for cameras:  +3

Over early and then nailing two jibe sets and a peel to come back
and win:  +15

BEHAVIOR BEFORE THE START OR DURING THE DELAY

No main on boom and negative boom angle:  +6

Halyards all lead to bow and baked on tight:  +6

Steel drum music cranked:  +3

1812 overture blaring:  -12

No music (stereo banned for excess weight):  +6

No one on deck or decks covered with sleeping college sailors:  +9

Huge inflatable with boat's name on side passing sails, software and
"light air specialists" aboard:  +21

Doing the above within the 10- minute gun:  +30

Saying that any other boat is "cool":  -33

Geeky- looking guy in glasses with clipboard rubbing his temples
while
perched on stern (secret weapon):  +21.

        If it's the designer: +57

Huge former Kiwi or Aussie rugby players as grinders:  +12

Owner down below "conducting business" on cellular phone:  +15

Keel fairer and sailmaker arguing over leech line cord:  +3

Owner says it's OK:  +33

Borrows large amounts of cash from owner for "a few days":  +0
(it's expected)

Quits program to wail with Dennis Conner:  +21

Quits program, steals van and runs away to Baja to sail catamaran
with
owner's daughter:  -35 (at the yacht club.  +500 points and legend
status at
the bar.)

>  Holiday II - pervert, my daughter is almost 5.

Most of this simply doesn't apply to Holiday II but here is our
score.

        Holiday II (-161)


Grinder and sailmaker fighting over sleeping accommodations:  -6

BMW (BOAT MAINTENANCE WORKER)

Two full-time:  +30

Foreign:  +15

Former sailmaker/rigger/diesel mechanic/bartender in Key West:  +15

Runs boat aground on rocks by accident:  -30

Runs boat aground on rocks at owner's request:  +51

Builds "LUGE" in back of van:  +12

I haven't gone through all the numbers yet, but I'm quite sure we're 
cool and we haven't even made the race course yet. We start with a 
cool boat (F27) and add to that a cool name (Scarlet Fire). Our Bow 
crew (man or woman) is certainly going to have long hair. Oh yah, 
and a truck that can tow the boat and carry all the supplies. 

	I got a kick out of it, but I knew all along we had a cool boat.
But maybe we have to race it before it recognized cool by the IYRU.

Geoff

	How many extra points for playing a Hot version of your boats name 
on the stereo?

    Scarlet Fire ?  Call that cool ?
    
    Jammy Dodger.  Now that's C-O-O-L !
    
    ;^)
    
    Del.