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BASIC, FORTRAN, COBOL.... these programming languages are well known and
(more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are
numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have
ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known langauges generally have the
most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure
languages -- and why they are obscure -- I present the following catalog.
o SIMPLE -- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with
errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END, and
STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax
error.
Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus, they achieve the
results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
frustrating process of testing and debugging.
o SLOBOL -- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its
compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while
they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting
at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary
SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language,
COCAINE.
o VALGOL -- (with special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) -- From
its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL
is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the
"California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled
in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program:
14 Like, Y*KNOW (I MEAN) START
%% IF PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
4K (FERSURE)**2
18 THEN
4i FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
86 DO WAY + (DITTY**2)
9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
-17 SURE
1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
? REALLY
$$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message, GAG ME
WITH A SPOON!
o LAIDBACK -- Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was
developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness
and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere
in nearby Silcon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while
they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long,
since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and
Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and
nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors
with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
o SARTRE -- named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.
o FIFTH -- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data
types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN,
VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP
and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using
this language.
o C- -- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to
execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.
o LITHP -- This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the
absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must
substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth.
o DOGO -- Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training,
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as he
travels across the screen.
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| (I got this out of another conference a long time ago, so I can't remember
who to credit for it).
Here is a little something that was sent to me not long ago. I found it
quite entertaining:
From the Net: Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Salomon & Rosenblueth
University of Waterloo
Ontario, Canada
With such a large selection of programming languages, it can be difficult to
choose one for a particular project. Reading manuals to evaluate the languages
is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a
good idea if how various automobiles compare.
So, in order to assist those trying to choose a language, the chart below has
been prepared to match current programming languaes with comparable automobiles.
ASSEMBLER A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain. Not suitable for everyday.
FORTRAN II A Model-T Ford. Once was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV Model-A Ford.
COBOL A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but does deliver volumes
easily.
BASIC A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstry. Your dad bought it to teach you to drive. You'll
ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I A Cadillac convertible with an automatic transmission, a two
tone paint job, whitewall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
fuzzy dice in the windshield.
C A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat
belts (lint) and an optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL-60 An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car!!
Pacal A VW Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Once popular with
intellectuals.
Modula-2 A VW Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
ALGOL-68 An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not anyone can drive it.
LISP An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not
available.
PROLOG/LUCID Prototype, concept cars.
Maple/MACSYMA All terrain vehicles.
FORTH A go cart.
LOGO A kid's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with real engine and
working horn.
APL A double decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to
the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in
reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada An Army olive-drab-green Mercedes Benz staff car. Power
steering, power brakes, automatic transmission, electric windows
and mirrors, and automatic door locks are all standard. No
other colors or options are available; nor can standard
equipment be deleted as superfluous. If it is good enough for
the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays
due to difficulties in reading the design specifications are
just now starting to clear up.
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| Since .3 is a little dated, it's time to add a few entries:
Trellis/Owl -- The Dodge Viper, a concept car that you can own.
It's only after you buy it that you discover how
expensive it is to drive, how unreliable it is
and what it does to your insurance rating. Boy,
but it looks great in the showroom window!
C++ -- a Toyota Supra. Looks like a Trans Am, but is better
engineered. Hard to find in stock (at least on VMS).
Object Pascal -- A VW Corrado. Nice try, but the world has
passed VW by since the Beetle.
CLOS -- An electric car (like LISP), but the battery technology
has improved. Runs a little faster, and a little longer,
but STILL nobody buys it.
Smalltalk -- The latest prototype/concept car. Great gas mileage
and power, clean design, but terrible steering.
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