Conference trucks::football;1

    malc....
    
    sounds intersting....
    
    NOT!!!!
    
    back to sleep....(or is that sheep)....
    
    Ray

                I THINK THIS LEAGUE SHOULD BE DISBANDED.
      THis league was alright when transport and roads were poor in
    Scotland.Today I think it would be better if the Highland,East of
    Scotland and whatever there is in the West joined together.
      The winners of this league could then be promoted to the Scottish
    3rd Division and the bottom team there relegated.Giving some of these
    teams the chance to go on to bigger things.
    
    JC.

    
    	Knickers to you Ray Howard, this topic is going ahead and will be
    challenging Man Utd in a few weeks. You'll laugh on the other side of
    your face when QPR are in the European Cup in a few years time and they
    come up north and get humped by Inverness Clachnacuddin or Forres
    Mechanics (or even Wick Academy) !
    
    	JC, I agree with you (mostly). The Highland League is perfectly
    capable of acting as Scottish League Division 4 and would give a big
    kick up the bum to the people currently holding up Division 3 who are
    playing for no reason every week. I wouldn't include the teams from the
    East and West leagues though because they are useless and would
    struggle even in the Highland League as it stands now. So not
    disbandment, just a chance of promotion would be nice like the Alliance
    league (is that the right one) in England.
    
    Malc.
    

    I agree that the Highland league teams would probably get promoted.But
    by bringing in the other leagues,The S.F.A might accept it,allowing the
    likes of Albion Rovers etc somewhere to play when they get demoted.
    JC
    

    
    	There is nothing stopping Albion Rovers coming up to play Wick
    Academy or Fort William just as we'd have to go down to Berwick or
    Stranraer. I think your key statement is the one about getting the SFA
    to accept it. Highland League teams have been treated very shabbily in
    the past when applying to join the Scottish League. I couldn't believe
    it when Ferranti Thistle got the nod a few years ago ahead of the likes
    of Elgin City and Caley. If we add on another 2 divisions, say, your
    Burntisland Shipyards and your Whitehill Welfares would soon be near
    the bottom of the last division thereby proving the superiority of the
    Highland League over all comers. They'd still be above Cowdenbeath though.
    
    Malc.
    

    I quit agree about Ferranti Thistle,they started off having to change
    their name,and their ground was a complete joke stuck  behind a
    factory in Edinburgh.Meadowbank are now in the process of moving
    out of the Commomwealth Stadium ( cat shows,flower shows and beer
    festivals caused games to be cancelled),to Livingstone where they
    hope to attract people to watch them.From what I understand they
    are again going to change their name.
      Yet as you said,"They were given preference instead of teams from
    the Highlands.
      JC.
    

    
    Livingston FC's (Meadowbank Th) ground is now being built between the
    new RC Academy and the new Safeways. They should attract a larger crowd
    with this move but the crowd will probably be made up of hoards of
    bored teenagers whacked out their skulls on temazepam and Buckfast.
    

    
    
    Gordon,
    
    Sounds like Ibrox  8*)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    
    
    

    
    Keith,
    
    It's similar but we wash down the jellies with Stawberry MD 20/20.
    
    

    
    	I went out and bought a Sunday Post yesterday with the express
    purpose of stealing the Highland League report and entering it into
    the notes (and pretending I'd written it myself!). However, I found
    a dearth of Highland League news as the useless pillock of a reporter
    went along to Huntly to report on their Scottish Cup clash with
    Dundee United so my cunning plan went up in smoke !
    
    	For the record, the Highland League ended its interest in the
    Scottish FA Cup for this year as its last representative lost 3-1 to
    the cup holders. A respectable result for Huntly I would say although
    the most memorable thing about the match was the collapse of a crush
    barrier at the away supporters end. The second half was delayed for ten
    minutes but no-one was seriously injured.
    
    	More nonsense later in the week.
    
    Malc.
    

    
    	At last, as promised x weeks ago, the first of the Highland League
    team profiles for the delectation and delight of the SS noting masses.
    This week it is (cue fanfares of golden trumpets) :
    
    
    
    
    				KEITH F.C.
    
    	God's own chosen team.
    
    	Probably the finest side ever to have not won a major World,
    European, or even domestic trophy. This is due to the most long drawn
    out spell of bad luck and poor refereeing decisions in the history of
    Christendom. And not forgetting that bunch of insidious chocolates at
    the SFA not allowing them to enter the Scottish League (a plague of
    locusts upon their first born).
    
    	Several times winners of the Highland League, the Qualifying Cup,
    the Highland League Cup and the Aberdeenshire Cup (despite not actually
    BEING in Aberdeenshire) and having a floodlight system of EUFA standard,
    they have always been passed over when applying for entry to the
    Scottish League, most notably in 19(mumble,mumble) when that useless
    bunch of xxxxs Ferranti Thistle were chosen ahead of five HL teams (as
    mentioned in a previous note).
    
    	Two former players in recent memory have gone on to play
    International Football, Colin Hendry and Doug Rougvie (yes, believe it
    or not he got a cap). There are probably others. Many other players have
    gone on to play Senior football for various clubs in both Scottish and
    English Leagues e.g. Hamish French, Kevin Bremner (Des's cousin), errr...
    
    	Possibly the shortest senior Football Club name in Britain (?).
    
    Malc.
    
    PS  OK I guess it is time to come clean and admit that Keith are really
    my first team and Celtic are my second. I was born within its fair city
    walls some 21(harrumph,harrumph) years ago and have followed them through
    thick and thin (well, mostly thin) for all that time. The most galling
    thing is that the team didn't improve from a quite spectacular level of
    mediocrity until I left town to seek my fortune. Such is life.
    

    the measure of a big club is whether they have their own WWW Home page.
    Do Keith have one????  I don't think so....(yawn)....back to the big
    clubs notes....
    
    Ray"Son of George Best"Howard....

    I've been to Keith - it had a particularly fine Chinese take-away !
    

    
    And, no they do not have the shortest name. According to one of the
    sports questions on the wrapper of a Penguin biscuit, it's ..eh...
    
    Hull or York or...I can't remember, but it's not Keith.
    
    Archie

    
    > Hull or York or...I can't remember, but it's not Keith.
    
    NO NO NO Definitely not ! Both teams mentioned have City after their
    names thereby making a total of 8 letters in their team names. I
    thought you might mention Ayr but they of course are Ayr United.
    
    	Wigan perhaps ? (Same number as Keith)
    
    Malc.
    
    PS The Chinese takeaway is run by a Mister Wong. How come you were in
    Keith, Dave?
    

    Malc,
    
    It's Wigan Athletic.
    
    Stuart

    Malc,
    
    We spent a week on the Whisky Trail, staying at a cracking
    house/mini-mansion in Keith.  In fact, the house was near the
    distillery in Keith the name of which I'm struggling to remember.
    My main memories of Keith are the lovely smell from the distillery in
    the morning, the crackin' Chinese take-away and the deathly silence
    when I walked into one of the local boozers and ordered a pint.
    
    Dave     

    
    Stuart
    
    	OK Keith still in the lead then. I could volunteer Pisa if it was
    extended to outside Britain.
    
    Dave
    
    	The main distillery is called Strathisla (my father used to work
    there). There are 2 others : Glenkeith and Strathmill. The distillery
    house is just 3 houses along the street from where I used to live. Our
    dogs used to raid its dustbins because it always threw so much food out
    all the time. (I think that was because they cooked too much rather than
    the state of the food). The smell from the distillery is burnt malt and
    happens due to mistakes in the brewing process. I hated it. I don't
    know about the silence in the pubs, they probably needed it quiet to
    understand your accent !
    
    Malc.
    

    Malc,
    
    Strathisla's the one.  We were staying about 50/100 yards further down
    the road.  Re the silence in the pubs - what about the accompanying
    frowns, stares and neanderthal grunts ?  To keep this on a footie note, 
    how did Keith do at the weekend ?
    
    Dave 

    
    Dave
    
    >the accompanying frowns, stares and neanderthal grunts
    
    I'm afraid that's what passes for intelligent conversation in Keith !
    
    	Keith beat Rothes (another distillery town) 2-0. I am having some
    difficulty in finding a paper that prints a league table so I am unable
    to say what the current state of play is. Mind you, spending the weekend
    in the English midlands didn't help (in finding a paper that is). The
    last I heard was that Huntly were top but that was a few weeks ago.
    
    	One strange disparity about the league is the vast differences
    between the amount of games played by the various teams. I have seen
    teams have TEN games in hand over other teams. This is caused by Cup
    games taking up a lot of Saturday fixtures and as half the teams are
    knocked out in each round these teams are then available to play League
    games come the date of the next round. HL teams much prefer to play on
    a Saturday rather than midweek because of players work commitments and
    travelling to far-flung grounds. Hence Buckie Thistle who are always
    knocked out of cups in the first round are usually top of the league
    round about now purely because they've played millions more games than
    anyone else !
    
    Malc.
    

Malc,

The Scum's sister paper The Sunday Times prints the results/tables in the
Scotland section of it's various bits.  Not that I would ever buy such a
fascist comic as that usually but we ran out of loo paper.

    Do the fans of Buckie drink Buckfast or it to do with some sea
    creature.
    JC.

    
    John
    
    	OK I'll re-mortgage the house and buy a Sunday Times next week. I
    find the Independent makes especially good loo paper btw. (Come to
    think of it why don't YOU type in the league as you've got the paper ?)
    
    JC
    
    	Err, I think it's the team that drinks Buckfast. That would
    certainly account for some pretty inept second half performances.
    I'm somewhat confused by the sea creature reference though ...
    
    Malc.
    

    
    OK, firstly there is NO BLXXDY WAY I am doing this every week so this
    will probably happen once a month if you're lucky (and more than once
    if you're unlucky. Boom,boom!). Herewith, courtesy of Rupert Murdoch
    World Domination Enterprises (as suggested by John Hussey), is the
    Highland League in all its glory for the week beginning 12-Mar-1995.
    
			Played	Points
Huntly			22	52
Peterhead (boo!)	26	46
Elgin City		24	45
Deveronvale		26	43
Cove Rangers		21	42
Fraserburgh		26	40
Brora Rangers		21	38
Buckie Thistle		26	38
Lossiemouth		20	35
KEITH			20	32
Forres Mechanics	25	31
Fort William		21	27
Wick Academy		27	25
Clachnacuddin		22	22
Nairn County		26	11
Rothes			25	 8

    Results
Buckie Th	7	Nairn Co	1
Clach		2	Rothes		0
Cove		P	Keith		P
(lucky result for Cove Rangers)
Deveronvale	2	Fort William	0
Forres		1	Brora		0
Fraserburgh	0	Wick		0
Huntly		5	Peterhead	2 (ha!)
Lossiemouth	3	Elgin		0

    Huntly still well out on top and it looks unlikely that anyone will
    catch them now. Disappointing to see Rothes and Nairn County at the
    bottom of the league, I remember them as being quite decent sides.
    
    	I'll try and do another team profile this week sometime, probably
    Peterhead if I can get enough vitriol flowing. Shouldn't be difficult.
    
    Malc.
    

    >OK, firstly there is NO BLXXDY WAY I am doing this every week 
    
    Typical piece of fickleness, eh Malc.
    
    Stuart

    
    	I'm afraid I've got to do SOME work SOME time, Stuart.
    

    Lets face it Malc, that's not the real excuse is it?
    
    You just entered it and hoped that someother mug would take up the
    responsibility 8^)
    
    Stuart
    
    

    
    > some other mug would take up the responsibility
    
    Oh gosh Stuart, that's awfully kind of you to volunteer ! I've got
    quite enough to do with keeping Bristol City in the first division and
    slapping down John Hussey every time he talks rubbish. I'll carry on
    doing the profiles and you can enter the league and results. I advise
    you to take out a subscription to the Aberdeen Press and Journal, their
    coverage is second to none !
    
    Malc.
    

    Malc,
    
    Thanks. My life is now complete.
    
    Stuart

	And now, the second team profile ...

	I believe that every league has a team that everybody else hates.
    For instance in the Scottish Leagues nothing unites all the other fans
    as the utter loathing we all feel for Glasgow Rangers. This is not
    purely to do with success (although that is a factor) but more their
    general attitude and stance for want of better words.

	Within the Highland League we had a team called Inverness Caledonian
    who played in blue and white and whose supporters wore Rangers scarves
    and sang Rangers songs and caused trouble wherever their team played.
    This was our communal hate team. Last year they (supposedly) merged
    with Inverness Thistle and were 'promoted' into Scottish League Division 3
    along with HL Champions Ross County. Every week I look for their result
    and laugh up my sleeve if they have lost. Their promotion left a gap,
    however there was a ready made substitute in



				PETERHEAD F.C.

	A team whose supporters long thought it was clever to copy the
    excesses of Caley. The team we always want to beat (or at the very least
    give them a damn good clogging). It is no coincidence that they also
    wear blue and white (their nickname is the Blue Toon).

	Peterhead is a fishing town on the North East shoulder of Scotland.
    Its principal tourist attraction is its famous prison. Its inhabitants are
    all products of inbreeding (allegedly) and all vote Tory (not allegedly).
    Mind you I'm not surprised, I worked a week there once and it was foggy
    every single day, some days you couldn't see the factory from the main
    gate. Quite the most depressing place in the world. (I know we're not
    supposed to slag places and their inhabitants but some things just sit
    up and say "Hit me, hit me".) Their team was never known for its silky
    skills and was only kept out of the No 1 Hated Team spot by the higher
    success rate and larger volume of support of Caley.

	It is not physically possible to think about Peterhead and not have
    your lip automatically start to curl back.

    Malc.
    
    PS I know its not particularly jocular but sometimes some things have
    to be said. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible ...
    

    
    	Actually, I have no opinion about Deveronvale whatsoever, but that
    won't stop me making one up and inflicting it on the rest of you.
    
    	Deveronvale are the team representing the town of Banff, the county
    town of Banffshire which contains the most brilliant team in the world
    - Keith. The name comes from the river Deveron which arrives at the sea
    at this bustling fishing port (this is starting to sound like a blxxdy
    tourist brochure). The football ground is situated on the banks of the
    river close to the beach (VERY loose term) and I used to think Keiths
    ground was rubbish until I saw Deveronvale. Actually I now know that
    Keith has one of the better grounds in the HL.
    
    	The team was always rubbish and was never a threat home or away.
    I'm quite surprised to see them so high up in the league these days. I
    remember a young lad called Willie Miller playing for them at one time
    but they will not be high on the roll of honour when the definitive
    history of football is written.
    
    	My main memory of Deveronvale is waiting after a Keith game for a
    lift back and seeing some local guys waiting to tell the referee what a
    good game he had had, or something. Anyway the ref took such a long
    time to come out that they were all plastered off the bottle of whisky
    they were drinking and he was half way up the road before they even
    recognised him.
    
    	What else ? They've got quite a good golf course ... err ...
    
    Malc$quitting_while_Im_more_or_less_ahead.
    

    
    OK, as Stuart Stratford has been singularly lax in his allotted task of
    entering in the results each week, I shall step into the breach. The
    Highland League season is nearly over with quite a few teams having
    played their full complement of 30 games. I picked up this partial
    table from the Scotland on Sunday (why they can't print the whole thing
    beats me ...)
    
    Highland League for the week beginning 16-Apr-1995.

			Played	Points
Huntly			29	71
Cove Rangers		29	54
Peterhead (yuk!)	30	52
Fraserburgh		30	52
Brora Rangers		28	51
Lossiemouth		28	51

    Results
Cove		3	Rothes		1
Fort William    0	Lossiemouth     1
Huntly          3	Clach           3
KEITH		1	Brora		2
(we wuz robbed)

    	Huntly are champions by quite some way. With one game left they
    have scored 99 goals so should make the century quite comfortably.
    Their nearest challengers, Cove Rangers, have scored 66. Keith will
    probably finish slap bang in the middle of the table because we usually
    do. Oh well, at the end of the day Brian, sick as a parrot, always next
    season, etc, etc .....
    
    Malc.
    

    > OK, as Stuart Stratford has been singularly lax in his allotted task
    > of entering in the results each week,
    
    Malc,
    
    Pray tell when this onerous task was placed within my remit?
    Unfortunately, the Sunday Times doesn't always carry the results
    although I do admit to be impressed with Huntly whenever I see them on
    TV...
    
    Stuart 

    
    Stuart
    
    	I thought you volunteered to do it back in 470.31 (although I
    suspected you might just possibly be kidding).
    
    	Does your Sunday Times really carry the HL results ? You're one
    over the Observer then.
    
    Malc.
    

    
    	Just to finish off the Highland league for this season. Again
    apologies for another partial league courtesy of Scotland on Sunday but
    at least it's got Keith in it this time !
    
    Highland League final positions 1994-95 season.

			Played	Won	Drawn	Lost	For	Against	Points
Huntly			30	24	2	 4	102	30	74
Cove Rangers		30	18	3	 9	 69	38	57
Lossiemouth		30	17	3	10	 75	53	54
Keith			30	16	5	 9	 59	32	53
Peterhead		30	15	7	 8	 64	43	52
Fraserburgh		30	16	4	10	 56	43	52

    Results
Clach		1	Cove		3
Huntly          3	Fort William    0
Lossiemouth     5	Brora		3 (sounds like an interesting game)
    
    	Huntly champions by a big margin as mentioned before. The
    incredible thing is Keiths fourth place after not being in the frame the
    last time I put in a table. And the best thing of all is we are above
    Peterhead. Nyaa nyaa nyaa.
    
    Malc.
    

    
    	Ex-Keith player Colin Hendry single handedly won for his new team,
    one Blackburn Rovers by name, a minor championship title somewhwere
    down south. This should confirm his growing maturity in the game and
    may even mean that he is now ready to return to the Highland League
    but he might have to play in Keith reserves for a while as the team is
    playing quite well just now ...
    
    Malc.
    

    
    Two very interesting ties in the third round of the Scottish Cup :
    
    	Deveronvale or Keith			v	Rangers
    
    	Fraserburgh or Whitehill Welfare	v	Celtic
    
    
    	Keith and Fraserburgh are favourites to win their respective
    replays and from there it looks like they will have an easy route
    through to the fourth round. We could yet have a Highland league club
    in Europe at this rate ...
    
    Malc.
    

    
    Half my predictions came true. Revised cup draw is :
    
    		Keith			v	Rangers
    
    		Whitehill Welfare	v	Celtic
    
    	Keiths game will take place on 27th January at Pittodrie. The word
    on the streets (of Keith) is that we get 6500 tickets (the population
    is only 5000!) and the Huns get the rest. The master plan is to draw
    the match to get a replay at Ibrox so as we double our money for the
    tie. We then win the replay and use exactly the same ploy against Celtic
    in the next round.
    
    	Any people wishing tickets give me a shout as I am putting in a
    block order to my brother on Friday. You'll have to sit in the Keith
    end of course ...
    
    Malc.
    

    
    	Keith		1		Rangers		10
    
    	Mark Garden			****ing *** *******s 10 (1 pen)
    
    	All their goals were offside. Apart from the penalty which was a
    blatant dive.
    
    	But a good day out was had by all. I still have the remnants of a
    hangover.
    
    Malc.