Conference trucks::football;1

    
    There was a story that the late Bill Shankley took his wife to watch 
    Rochdale on their anniversary.
    
    
    
                
    However it wasn't true.  He pointed out that
    
    1  It wasn't Rochdale it was Rochdale reserves
    
    2  It was her birthday not their anniversary.  He wouldn't be stupid
    enough to get married during the football season.

    
    A few years ago, during a particularly dire spell at Craven Cottage,
    Fulham were losing at home yet again. Play had stopped due to an injury
    and, as the stoppage time went on, a cry came from the terraces:
        "Don't just stand there Fulham, for God's sake PRACTICE".
    
    jeff

    
    A few years ago I was watching Middlesbrough play Sheffield
    Wednesday (I think) at Ayresome Park. It was when Jack Charlton
    was manager of Middlesbrough. It was a midweek game and Boro
    were leading 1-0 or 2-1. Suddenly Sheff Wednesday had a break
    out of their half and as their attack raced into the Middlesbrough
    half and towards the penalty area the floodlights failed ! All
    of them ! Almost immediately someone near me shouted "Get your
    hand of the lightswitch Jack !".

	Apparently a few weeks ago, during the phone-in on Capital Gold
( guest Bobby Moore ), the following conversation took place;



Caller : Hello, could I speak to Bobby.

Bobby  : Hello.

Caller : Bobby, you know when you were lifting the World Cup?

Bobby  : Yes..


Caller : Well, I was f***** your wife.


Stunned silence. Tennants ( the lager in a league of its own ) jingle.

Followed by a " well we rather we didn't have calls like that".


Stuart

    Classic! 
    
    :^)

    
    A commentator on a scottish game gave the following commentry:
    
    "....and he's gone past one, he's gone past two, he's past the keeper
    and...
    
     
    ...he's f****** missed it!"
    
    Needless to say, he was fired.....but for bias rather than swearing!
    
    jeff

    
    	re last..
    
    	Brilliant!! 8-) 8-)

	At footy on Tuesday this gem was imparted to me.

	Two staunch Chelsea fans have taken another of the lads who 
	doesn't know a great deal about football to see the Spurs
	game last weekend.

	After about half an hour, the lad they've taken along says...

	"Why are the fans singing 'Shell Suit'?"

	I cried when I heard this.

	F-reg

    
    A few weeks ago there was a story in the Independent.  I do not know
    whether it is true or not (I doubt it), but it quite a goody.
    
    During the Bulgaria v. Scotland game, Bulgaria scored an early goal. A
    Scottish commentator who was not yet acquainted with all the Bulgarian
    players' names quickly asked around the other commentators/journalists
    for the name of the player that had scored.  Once he had got the reply,
    he carried on the commentary...
    
    
    "The goal was scored by Fuktivino..."

    re -2
    
    I heard that story many years ago when Scotland were playing in some
    Eastern Bloc country, and Bill Shankly was over watching the game, and
    adding comments.  When whoever it was scored, the commentator asked
    Shankly who scored, as there was a ruck of players, and it was not
    clear who scored. Shankly replied "I'll be F******d if I know" and the
    commentator announced "the goal was scored by Alby Fuktifino, whos name
    didnt appear on the team sheet, but thats the way things are behind the
    Iron curtain"....some people swear it was true cos they heard it
    themselves.
    
    Paul

I think I might have slipped this one in the conference a few years ago, but
I think it's worth repeating. In the days when Rangers had wee Willie Henderson
and Celtic had wee Jimmy Johnstone, a pal of mine, who knew nothing about 
football, asked in the pub one night who wee Al Madrid played for. 

Gordon.

    
    Last year Sweden played Colombia in a friendly. The score was 2-2 and
    it was one ore two minutes left of the game. The Swedish TV-commentator 
    said;
    
    "Well, if none of the teams score a goal, it's most likely that the game
    will end up in a draw..."
    
    Mats

    
    Read this one at the weekend...
    
    During one particular game, a player committed a bad foul and was
    summoned over by the ref...
    
    "Ok son, what's your name?"
    
    "Shirley" came the reply and the ref, taking umbridge at this obvious
    mickey-take, sent the player off.
     
    The captain then comes running over. "What was that for?" he asks.
    
    "Dissent" 
    
    "Why, what did he say?"
    
    "Told me his name was Shirley" says the ref, sarcastically.
    
    "It is," replies the captain "Alan Shirley!"
    
    Oops!
    
    jeff
    
    
    

    
    And one from the immortal Dickie Davies...
    
    After finishing one item he moves to the day's results by saying:
    
    "And now for today's cop succer.."
    
    (Hint: say it out loud and quickly)
    
    jeff

    On a phone in discussion program on Radio 5 after yesterdays match, one
    caller phoned with some points to add to the discussion of Referees.
    
    He claimed that the referee (who is also a local Banker Manager)
    stopped a sure scoring chance when he (wrongly) blew for an offside.
    After the game, their manager, captain and some one else was booked
    for chanting "The Referees a Banker".
    
    I guess you had to hear it.
    
    Wayne

    Standing on the terraces watching an Under 21 game, one fellow shouts
    to his mate' "see that player, in a few years time 5 MILLION wont buy
    him" and his mate replies " I know and I am one of them"
     

I read recently that a U.S. university soccer team had been devastated
by a fire in their changing rooms. Apparently, damage included burning of
the coaching manuals and books that the team had been using.

The team coach was reported as saying "This has been a big blow to our
lads - most of the books hadn't yet been coloured in".

Cheers,
DaveT

    On Capital Gold a couple of years ago Steve Tongue (sp?) had been
    commentating on the Arsenal v Derby match, which Arsenal lost 1-2. 
    "Expert" commentary was given by Malcolm Macdonald and apparently he had
    been none too complimentary about Arsenal's performance.  Anyway one of
    the calls to the after match phone-in session went something like...
    
    STEVE: ...And I think we have on the line Dave from Hackney.  Hello,
    Dave.
    DAVE:  Err, hello Steve.
    STEVE:  Dave you've got a question for Malcolm.
    DAVE:  Hello, Malcolm.
    MALCOM:  Hello, Dave.
    DAVE:  Malcom me and me mates were down the Arsenal this afternoon and
    basically, well, you know, me and me mates think you are a C$%T!
    STEVE:  Ah!  The next caller is....
    
    Mike M                                                    

    Article in a Green magazine,
    
    "Leicester City are going green, apparently they are using organic
     fertilizer on the pitch...."
    
    Goes on to say,
    
    "Rumours though, that the Leicester forwards are avoiding the opponents
     penalty area to keep the grass green , is denied by the club!"
    

    A golden oldie on the radio yesterday,
    
     Q.   Whats the difference between a TEA BAG and ARSENAL
    
     A.   The tea bag stays in the cup longer

	Also old

	"Steve Archibald has been compared with an unleashed cobra,
	 but not by anyone who's seen him play football."

	Tony

    
    One from Jasper Carrott (I'll narrate in the first person):
    
    "Whilst attending Birmingham's first home game of the season, I decided
    to buy a "golden goals" ticket. These are the little cards that have
    the time of the first goal printed on the inside i.e. if it says 15th
    minute and that's when the first goal goes in then you win a tenner.
    Anyway, I handed over my fifty pence and eagerly opened the ticket;
    it said "October"."
    
    jeff

    Another one from Jasper Carrott:
    
    "I was at Birmingham match the other day, I turned to the bloke next to
    me and said "OI! YOU OVER THERE!""
    

    re last two,
                Brilliant.

         Cunno

Come to think of it Jasper Carrott made quite a few sketches about football and
Birmingham City in particular.

Anyone remember the one about him and his mate, who incidently had a broad
Brummy accent, going to the Stretford End to see Birmingham City play the Mancs,
when they were any distance apart his mate kept shouting "OI CARROTT, BL**DY
RUBBISH UP 'ERE WHAT"  and other such observations to which several neandertal's
would turn 'round grunting.

Also the competition he invented called the "All European Cup Winners Winners
Cup And All European Cup Winners Cup Winners Winners Cup Winners Shield".

(I apologise in advance to non anglophones but it would take too long to
explain) 

    
    I was at Perth on NewYears day a year or two past for the Dunfermline
    V's St. Johnstone game when one of the funniest tannoy announcements
    came over.... It was during half time when the announcement
    
    "Can Jimmy please come to the office...."    was made. 8,000 'Jimmys'
    stood up at once. (yes we once did get crowds like that).
    
    At this years corresponding fixture, this time at East End Park in
    Dunfermline another amusing announcement was made....
    
    "Can 'Joe Bloggs' (?) please contact his secretary urgently..."
    
    The whole crowd simultaneously let the guy know what they thought was
    going on....:-)
    
    Not as funny when you write them down are they.....
    Tommy.

    
    More from Jasper Carrott:
    
    	"Birmingham will be in Europe next year.....
    
    		            	..............if there's a war!!"
    
    
    PJ

    Shankley stories must be the best.  My favorite is when he was asked
    to comment on the abilities of John Toshack.  He said...
    
    "He's the Douglas Bader of football.  Great in the air, but useless
    on the ground!"
    
    And one I heard a few years ago at a Kilmarnock v Partick Thistle
    Nil game.  Whist trying to stop a Killie defender from kicking a
    ball into the stand, a Partick played was caught very very square
    in the wedding tackle.  As the trainer tried in vain to administer
    comfort to the player who was writhing about on the ground, a voice
    from behind me said...
    
    "It's OK son.  We have the technology to rebuild you!"
    
    Gavin.

	Paul Gascoigne was walking along the beach, exercising his bad leg,
when he kicked a bottle. The top fell off, and out popped a genie who offered
Gazza three wishes.

	For his first wish, Paul requested that he became the richest man
in England. This wish was granted, and Gazza was surrounded by fifty pound
notes. For his second wish, Gazza requested a years supply of Kleenex, and
the genie produced 10,000 family size boxes.

	For his third wish, Gazza asked that his leg be cured. The genie
examined the leg, after after much consideration, stated that despite his
powers, he was unable to cure the leg, and asked Gazza to make another choice.
Gazza said that to prove he wasn't greedy, he would dedicate his third wish
to someone else. He explained to the genie that his home town club, Newcastle
were struggling, and asked the genie to save them from relegation. The genie
replied :-

           Let's have another look at that leg!

	Kevin Keegan was shopping in the Metro Centre, when he collapsed
outside the Alliance Building Society. A member of staff, seeing this, came
out and carried him into the building society. When he came round, he was
still a bit dazed, and he asked, "Where am I?"

	The manager of the building society replied, "You're in the Alliance"



	"What the hell, happen to the third & fourth divisions?!!!!!!!!"

	The manufacturers of OXO stock cubes are expanding again. At first,
they only made the original OXO stock cube in the silver wrapper. Then they
brought out in a red wrapper, the Beef stock. This was followed by the gold
wrapper, and chicken stock.

	This week they announced there latest stock.

	It's in a black & white striped wrapper.

	It's the laughing stock!!!!

    Re  last 3
    
    How can you stop, when you are on top...keep em coming..even although
    Im getting funny looks for laughing out loud at a terminal.
    
    S'pose Geordie fans have to have a sense of humour..didnt Roy Aitken
    play (I use the term loosley) for the Magpies ??
    
    Paul

    
    Fred was out walking his Jack Russell on Saturday afternoon when he
    bumped into his mate Jim.
    
    'Fancy coming to the game this afternoon', Jim asked
    
    'I'd love to, but what about the dog - they'll never let me take him in
    the ground ', Fred replied
    
    'I know', said Jim, 'we'll make out you're blind and he's your guide
    dog'
    
    'bloody good idea' agrees Fred
    
    So they buy a cheap pair of sunglasses and find a bit of branch from
    which they manage to construct a reasonable looking white stick and off
    they head towards the ground. 
    
    They get to the ground and queue up, eventually they get to the front
    of the queue, Jim pays his money and in he goes, Fred puts his money
    down and the gateman says 'Oi, you can't take a dog into the ground'
    
    'but I'm blind, and he's my gude dog', protests Jim
    
    'Hang on a minute,' says the gateman, 'guide dogs are usually Labradors
    or Collies'
    
    'Oh' says Jim,
    
    
    'what have they given me then ?'.......
    

    A Real Few:
    
    Heard from the Wombles supporters behind us at the Womble v Forest game
    last week (don't ask why we were there - my other half likes Pearce as
    well as Palace and we didn't want to waste the tickets)
    
    Womble 1 (looking at the Arthur Waite Stand)
     "Waste of money building that stand"
    W2 "Eh?"
    W1 "Its always empty"
    W2 "But Palace play here as well!"
    W1 "But they don't get many fans either do they"
    W2 "They get 20 thousand or so"
    W1 "Do they? Oh, never realise that"
    
    Later, nearing half time, with Forest defending the goal in front of
    us....
    
    W1 "Haven't seen Des Walker"
    W2 "He doesn't play for Forest does he?"
    
    Later still, looking at the Sainsbury's Terrace, closed since
    Sainsbury's stay open when the Wombles are at home....
    
    W1 "Looks really empty with no-one there doesn't it"
    
    Maybe you had to be there.......
    
    Paul
    
    

    
    	Heard on some radio programme recently...
    
    	A report just out indicates that there are structural problems
    	with the Stands at Selhurst Park that will cost �4m to put right.
    	
    
    
    	The seats face the pitch.

    Ho Ho Ho.
    
    Almost as funny as the endless witticisms about Sir Geoff, who by the
    way had a stormer against the Scouse midgets on Saturday, and who has
    also been missing from the England sides when they lost against W
    Germany and played so badly against the Czechs.
    
    Just 'cos he had a slight problem with his shot against the french.....
    
    Paul

    
    One from "Standing Room Only" last night (courtesy of the Wednesday
    fanzine):
    
    There was a serious incident at Old Trafford last night when the home
    dressing room caught fire and Paul Ince refused to move back ten yards.
    
    jeff

Courtesy of Brian Connelly ???? on the Match Yesterday.

West Ham have signed Ex Snooker world champions Steve Davis & Dennis Taylor
until the end of the season.

Billy Bonds said after the deals were signed:

	"We signed these two because we are so many points behind, I figured we
needed a few snookers"

Al

    
    Featured in the Hearts v Airdrie Scottish Cup Semi final report in the
    Guardian...
    
    Henry Smith (the Hearts keeper) would be ideal for a job in the estate
    agency business...hes good at selling semis !!
    
    paul

    
    dont want to rub it in but...
    heard on Clive Anderson Talks back on Friday night...
    
    "News this week that Frank Bruno is looking for another useless no-hope
     contender to fight in his continuing comeback...
    
     he's thinking of taking on the Manchester United team!"
    
    not my words!
    
    Ian.

    
    did any of you lot see the representation of Jimmy Hill on the comic
    strip thing last night 'The Crying game...'
    classic!
    
    Ian.
    

    I saw the Jimmy Hill bit but missed everything else. Keith Allen
    played the be-permed star did he not?
    
    barry.

    
    didnt look at the names of the actors, but it was a very good send up
    of the Gazza phenomenon. 
    Especially good was the take off of the gutter press and also when he
    signed for the big club they asked him if he wanted to meet the new 
    team and introduced him to his financial consultant, hair stylist, 
    fashion consultant, media manager etc.
    very satirical.
    Ian.

    But has Gazza got a friend call Leslie??
    
    Nigel

    
    I agree with Ian.  It was very amusing, especially Jimmy Hill.  I
    thought that the gay  storyline was inspired by Justin Fashanu "coming
    out" rather than implying Gazza is gay.
    
    Jon

Q. Why did Alex Ferguson issue all his players with lighters?

A. Because they lost all their matches!

                          James.

P.S That's not my own but from a MAN U fan called Mike Tobin 
( XSTACY::MTOBIN ) who is too chicken to enter it himself. 

More on the Crying Game:

Yes, it was Keith Allen as the star and he was also credited (though you had 
to be quick to read them) as 'Football Choreographer', which was easily the 
best 'acted' football I've ever seen on TV or film. It almost looked like the 
real thing at times. Anyone know where and how it was filmed? I thought it 
might have been at QPR, but the crowd looked too big!

grahame

    Yep, definately Loftus Road.
    
    Wasn't Keith Allen the chap who co-wrote World In Motion with New Order
    for the last World Cup?  The footie scenes were a lot better than the
    usual attempts.
    
    Adrian
    
    

    I read somewhere that Keith Allen had an apprenticeship with 
    a Football League club. Anyone know which one?
    
    barry.

Oh no, not another footballing Allen...

I particularly liked the very last lines of the programme in which the Jimmy
Hill character went bonkers ending with something like:

"...and you know, I think that somebody should come up to me and say, er,
'Jimmy...

...shutup'"

Tarik

The latest issue of When Saturday Comes, features a picture of Bobby Moore
and Gordon Banks on their lap of honour after the '66 World Cup victory.

Moore says to Banks " What does winning the World Cup mean to you Gordon "

Banks replies 

               "Cup Final tickets for life".


Well I thought it was funny.

Stuart

    I'm not sure but I think keith Allen may have played for Luton at some
    time. I'll check.
    
    Regards,
    
    Barry.

    
    Those of you who live in the vain hope that Paul Gascoigne will take
    part in the European Championships can finally give up now. It has been
    announced that he will start a career as a film actor this summer. He
    will play the title part in the follow-up to a successful film. The
    director says he is naturally suited to the part. The title of the
    film?
    
    
    
    My Left Feet

    
    Another dull Friday night was livened up by the presence of Tommy
    Doherty on the Clive Anderson Show.  
    
    He was commenting on various Football topics but here are the gems:
    
    On Jimmy Hill:
    	"Jimmy Hill is to football what King Herod is to babysitting."
    
    On Graham Souness:
    	"Souness...Now there's a hard man...  He's the only one who could
    	sit through Little House on The Prairie without crying!!"
    
    On Graham Taylor & managing football:  (with heavy scouse accent!)
    	"Graham Taylor talks a lot of nonsense....The reason I was so
    	successful was because noone could understand a word I was saying.
    	That's why Jack (Charlton) is so successful at Ireland.  They 
    	can't understand him either!!"
    
    On Alex Ferguson:
    	"What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and an arsonist?
    	Even an arsonists wouldn't throw away his last three matches!!"

    Make that man England manager now.
    
    barry.

    A clip that appeared in the latest "WSC"
    
    SPRINGSTEEN'S HUMAN TOUCH IN STOCKHOLM
    
    Not everyone in attendance was boffo for Bruce though."I 
    don't like Springsteen. But I came along for a little 
    relaxation," said Anders Limpar, who plays for a band 
    called Arsenal.
    
    San Jose Mercury News 16/06/92
    
    barry

    Is there any truth in the rumour that Justin Fashanu wants to move into
    management after he finishes playing, because he likes to fire up the 
    lads at half time?
    
    Ian.

    Mod.
    
    The previous two "funnees" imply the same bodily function. Please
    explain why everyone can read one but not the other. After all a
    particular person (albeit a differnet one in each) is the butt of both
    jokes. Do some Mersons family work for Digital whereas Gazza's mob
    don't?
    
    Jim.

    
    Re -1, both should have been set hidden.  I missed the first one.
    
    Gary.

    Some great stuff from Colin Murphy, the Descartes (I Think, Therefore 
    I'll Never Get Into Graham Taylor's Team) of the Football League. Not
    for him the usual manager's cliches. The following was taken from a
    recent Southend match programme and appears EXACTLY as printed:
     
"These notes I am writing as we travel to play Newcastle and if the 
players play as spiritfully as they sound then for sure we will be in 
for a performance which will reflect some form of credibility on what 
will be one of the most difficult stages of the season.

Enough has been written and said about the past. Wonderment and
disenchantment pondered about its motives. Philosophies expressed about
repairing and planning for the future.

For sure continuation of negative campaigns may well see the club
relegated and one would have thought that nobody or no groups of people
would be as futile, self-centred, or indignant enough to place
themselves in a position where they consider they are more important
than the importance and well-being of the establishment.

Alternatively innovation of positive enthusiastic and behavioural and
attitudal policies will see the Club mount a serious challenge for the
Premier League, a dream for us all. Thereby placing credence on a
contribution of modest genuine supporters' natures, that everybody can
be proud of. Because they will be seen to have had the most incisive
productive effects. Effects that nobody would have dared envisualised
two months ago.

Having made these two poignant observations it will be interesting to
observe those who will unreservedly act in the interests' of the 
players or the players' interests as it were.

Now, all we, that is Bob, I and the players ask, is a fair even chance,
no more, no less. The same which would have been given to any other
group of people at the Club charged with attaining Premier Division
status. Then we will deserve what we get. Either the Lavish of the
Press or the Scathing of the Criticism.

With Football Management becoming more and more diverse as the seasons
escape us I am sure none of us, least of all yourselves will lose
sight of the main and maybe the only task in hand, winning football
matches.

Over the years I have been constantly asked what is the main job of
the Football Manager and in its crude final analysis it is to win
football matches."

    Surely "the Lavish of the Press" and "the Scathing of the Criticism"
    must enter common parlance !
    
    P.S. I should make it absolutely clear that I DO NOT watch Southend !!
    
    Jim
    

    
    I'll never forget reading in a Charlton fanzine about a group of 
    
    supporters who where helping clear up the Valley just before it was 
    
    due to re-open. The club chairman called them all together to announce 
    
    that the floodlights where to be pulled down so that they could be 
    
    modernised.To this one fan asked if 1 floodlight could be left up.
    
    When the bemused Chairman asked why,the fan replied:
    
        "SO WE CAN PUT THE MILLWALL FANS BEHIND IT!!"
    
      Robbie.
    
    
    
    
    
        

    The floodlight is there for Charlton fans to hide behind...

    
       very quick reply,but I'm not too sure what u mean!
    

    
    On Saturday this one put a smile on my face.
    
    Chelsea v Man. U.                                  
    
    During the half time break there were some presentations being made,
    the guy making the anouncements was trying to be humorous and failing
    badly till he came up with this.
    
    "This ones for the fans from Manchester (of which there was 6 - 7
    thousand), from the latest edition of On-side in the junoir section.
    
    Q)  Why did Alex Ferguson plant carrott seeds at Old Trafford at the 
    start of the season?
    
    A)  So that he would have something to pick up at the end of the
    season.
    
    
    Laughed?? Well about 27 thousand Chelsea fans did.  I thought the Mancs
    were going to riot:-)
    
    Loz.  

    
    	..and not particularly accurate, either, Loz (but why let the
    	truth get in the way of a good story, eh? ;-))
    
    	United have won a trophy for the last three seasons (FA, ECWC,
    	Rumbleows ;-))
    
    	Chelsea have won, err, err....help me out with this one Loz, I
    	can't remember if they still called it the Fool Members' Cup...
    
    	Andy.

rep -1

Andy,

If that's the case, why did the United fans almost ran riot?

Maybe 'cause the truth hurts :-))))))))


T_

    
    Sorry,
    
    I thought I had the humour note, did I miss the smiley or something??
    
    Andy,
    
    if I really wanted to slag Utd off I'd do it in the Utd file,
    
    happy Christmas,
    
    Loz.
    

    
    	My observation was *intended* to be humerous, Loz....sorry if
    	I didn't make that clear enough. 
    
    
    	I thought it was a pretty good joke too!!
    
    	Andy.

    The latest football funnie heard was:
    What's the difference between {insert team, but I'll use Arsenal} and
    Winsor Castle.?
    
    I Don't Know etc etc etc
    
    Well it will only take 60 Million quid to restore Windsor Castle to its
    former glory>
    
    Loz, I didn't think your joke was funny but then they rarely are. merry
    christmas mate.
    
    Mark

As everyone knows, England can't beat the Republic of Ireland at Soccer. So,
after their latest humiliation England return home, and in desperation Graham
Taylor turns to Big Jack Charlton for help;

		"Jack, why can't we beat you?"

		"Well it's like this Graham...Whenever we get wor new player's
I give 'em an intelligence test....for example, when Mick McCarthy joined wor,
I said to him... Mick, who is your mother's daughter's brother? and he
said "way-aay boss, that's an easy one. That's me." 

		Graham went away promising to try it at the next England
training session.

		Next session Taylor calls Gazza over and says to him;

		"Who is your mother's daughter's brother?"

	Gazza;	"Way-aaay boss, I've not got a clue"

	Taylor;	"OK go away and have a think about it and tell me later"

Gazza shuffles away disconsolately. He sees Gary Lineker having a kickabout so
he runs over to him and says"Gary, who is your mother's daughter's brother?"

To which Lineker replies"That's me Gazza!"

			"Waay-aaay thanks man" says Gazza

Gazza sprints back to Taylor and says "Go on boss, ask us again"

	"Alright Gazza, who is your mother's daughter's brother?"

			Gazza;-"Gary Lineker"


	Taylor;-"No, you daft twit, it's Mick McCarthy"

      Ally McCoist was driving down the M8 when he saw Liam Brady had
    broken down at the side of the road.So he stopped and asked if he 
    could give him a lift.He asked where he was going,and he said he
    was going to Parkhead.So Ally said "nae bother" as he was on his 
    way to Ibrox anyway,that he would give him a lift.
    
      After dropping Liam off,about an hour later there was a call for
    Ally at Ibrox from one of the Celtic players asking him what he had
    done to Liam Brady while giving him a lift to Parkhead.Ally asked
    what he meant,to which the player replied,"He is painting the place
    red,white and blue and going around singing the sash".
    
      To which Ally replied "Oh I forgot to tell him that my car had 
    just been fitted with 'A CAT-HOL-LIT-IC CONVERTER'"
     

    
    Chap walking through Finsbury Park noticed two Tottenham season tickets 
    nailed to a tree.
    
    He spent a few minutes looking around to make sure no one was watching.
    When he thgought he was in the clear....
    
    He stole the nails.
    
    
    
    Gazzer

 "Everyone knows Brighton is a top-class club " said Bellotti ( Brighton's
  Chief Executive ), "and we aim to be up in the Premier League as soon 
  as we can".


   M Knighton

    
    There was a funny that appeared in the old notes file which I'm
    suprised hasn't mad it into here. For all the more recent noters who
    didn't see it here it is.
    
    It was set at the time that Tony Adams had gone into freelance
    landscape gardening whilst driving after having 10 (or so) pints in the
    pub. The judge asked him at the end of the trial if he had anything to
    say for himself in his defence. Tony said....
    
    "Well Your Honour, I was only trying to get the wall back ten yards"
    
    Paul.
    
    preceded this
    one

    
    Cantona's first match for ManU was a complete nightmare. Just before
    starting his second Ferguson says to him.
    
    "Eric, if you don't play better than you did last week I'm going to
    pull you off at half time". 
    
    To which Cantona replies..
    
    "Really! I only got half an orange at Leeds!".
    
    Paul
    

    At Hillsboro a few years ago Wednesday were playin ManU. After the
    match someone from Sheffield threw a coin at Alex Ferguson which hit
    him on the head.
    
    In one paper the next day the following (maybe not word-for-word) was said
    about the incident.
    
    "We witnessed a unique event at Hillsborough yesterday: a Yorkshireman
    willingly throwing money away and a Scotsman failing to pick it up"
    
    Paul 
    
    PS the so-called supporter was later identified and banned for life.

    
    	Light blue touch-paper...
    	Stand well back.....
    
    	Andy.

    we don't need to try.........

    Danny,
    
    	Just look at the replies you've had. Makes me think there's
    something in this article, you know !!
    
    
    Ian.

    Okay - Enough.
    
    /JF Mod
    
    

    
    As an Englishman, I honestly don't think it warranted being "set
    hidden". I can't remember all the details now, but I don't recall
    anything that was really *scathing*; it was more of a good ole p*ss
    take. I have to agree with Paul W. that it was somewhat less than
    sidesplitting, though; I thought the invention of the wheel might have
    helped in bridging the gap between Scottish and English humour, but
    sadly...
    
    On the contrary, we Sassenachs are delighted that the Jocks have
    already found a good book to curl up with on those dark, lonely
    Wednesday evenings ;-)
    
    Dom
    
    P.S. The significance of the number of this note will surely not have
    escaped the more observant of you: 142 == WON 4-2. Yes folks, exactly
    the same score by which England beat West Germany on their way to
    winning the 1966 World Cup Final at Wembley.  

    
    RE: WON 4 2
    
    Now, that is funny.....Forget your jockular, humour you just can't beat
    a good piece of English wit...
                                                
    Neil...

    
    	As another Englishman, neither did I. I thought it quite funny,
    	actually....
    
    	And some people are on the pitch.,...
    
    	Andy.

    
    Looks like I missed something, if it is still available please mail it to
    PEKING::JOLLYL

    Yes, Andy, please mail it to me as well. I have a suggestion for the
    moderators. Instead of infuritating the world wide readers of this
    conference who don't get to read it until 4am GMT when it has been well
    and truly censored by some Victorian law enforcer, why don't you
    reenter the note in summary so we can at least get some idea of what was 
    so funny. Thank you and good night,
    Ica        

    it's also posted in irnbru::scotland note 29.53

    
    Please read note 1.0 and especially the last paragraph.....
    
    Moderators are human too. A note which is deemed irrelevant is a
    subjective viewpoint taken by a moderator and acted upon accordingly.
    
    In fact the next note...light blue touch paper and stand well back...
    was almost in expectancy of a return to a rathole that occasionally
    appears in this conference. 
    
    Not really needed chaps....
    
	Regards,
    
    	Dezzz.

    
    
     Note 1.0 also says that "entries should be...generally light-hearted"
    
     Note 142 has a title of "football funnees"
    
     The note I entered and was subsequently set hidden did not contain
     any foul or abusive language, it was merely a light-hearted note aimed
     at raising a bit of a laugh. But, the moderators have obviously
     decided otherwise, either that or they don't have much of a sense of
     humour. :-) :-)
    
     Danny.

    What was wrong with the note?
    
    It was "funny" and showed what fun guys these people from from North of
    Carlisle really are. Yep, can't wait to spend an hour or two in their
    company...

    
    
    The moderators do what they feel they have to, they please some of the
    people all the time or all of the etc etc etc.
    
    I went into the other conference and read it and am happy now thank
    you.
    
    Loz.

    I agree with Lawrence - it's up to the moderators what does and doesn't
    go into here - it's their decision so there's no point in whinging
    about it.
    
    Paul

    
    	re .98..
    
    	Fair cop Dezzzzzz.
    
    	As you guessed, I knew there would be the usual "contributors"
    	prepared to over-react. I found the note mildly amusing, nothing	
    	worth getting steamed up about. You mods have a difficult enough
    	job as it is without anyone questioning your motives or reasons.
    
    	I was expecting to see about 5 set hidden's...8-)
    
    	If anyone doesn't like the decision they can always switch off..
    
    	Andy.
    

If Cunno was a mod none of this would happen

    
    But, it wasn't funny and was only posted to cause offence....Well done
    to the mods....Maybe Granny Smith will think twice before entering
    unfunny notes in the Football Funnies topic...
    
    Neil..
    

Hang on there Neil and I'll mail you a sense of Humour.

    
    
    ...but as that is clearly the general opinion of the English by the
    McNoters, then it is'nt a joke is it.
    
    They might try to make out that its a joke, but they all obviously
    believe it, in which case I'm deeply offended.
    
    Hats off to the Mods, they do a great job and that mob over the wall
    make it very difficult for them.
    
    Dave...
    
    

I know my opinion may not be welcome, but I don't really think it's fair to mod 
a piece which has been taken out of a newspaper.  There are planty of jibes made 
against Scots, Welsh and Irishmen in these conferences, but you don't see them 
complaining.  Perhaps it may do the English some good to see what goes on in the 
pages of the Scottish press, and therefore understand that the English do not 
hold the monopoly on mild racism and friendly mick-taking.

The extract may have offended you, but I'd bet that it's probably the first 
instance of racism that you've ever encountered (on the receiving end).  If 
non-Englishmen have to put up with it everyday (which they do), then why 
shouldn't they be given the chance to get their own back (particularly in such a 
light-hearted and obviously un-malicious manner).

"Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself"

P.S. If I was Scottish, I'd find your generalisation of them i.e."McNoters" just 
as offensive as the initial note.

Talk about double standards.

Personally I found the "McNoters" reference hillarious !!!

>Perhaps it may do the English some good to see what goes on in the 
>pages of the Scottish press, and therefore understand that the English do not 
>hold the monopoly on mild racism and friendly mick-taking.
    
    And there was me thinking that you pray for us at your bedsides every
    night ;-)
    
    Your opinion is as welcome as anyone else's...but in the context of
    this particular conference, I have to say that some of the sentiments
    in .109 got me chuckling a whole lot more than the infamous "funny"
    that started this thread off!
    
    And, I repeat, *I* didn't particularly think it called for being set
    hidden. Not that I'd ever think of criticising the mods.
    
    Dom

    
    Just as well this was knocked on the head, otherwise it might have 
    turned into a rathole !!!
    
    
    
    ;;;;------))))))))
    
    
    Lighten up guys, there'll be plenty of time for nationalistic fervour
    come Summer '96.  That's assuming that some of us non-host nations
    actually qualify !
    
    Jerry.

    >>come Summer '96.  That's assuming that some of us non-host nations
    >>actually qualify !


That's assuming that any of us are still working for DEC

Peter.

    I remember reading a series of caricatures of different nationalities
    in National Lampoon magazine. I thought it was hilarious until I read
    the description of the typical Englishman. They can't say that, I
    thought; that isn't true, I shouted; b*st*rds, they're only doing it
    because they're uncouth, uneducated, Americans without any sense of
    history and culture. 
    
    I learnt quite a few things then. The first was what hypocritical
    meant. The second was that if you take the p*ss then you must accept
    some in return and must be able to take it. Thirdly, it sometimes hurts
    to be told what you know is true but daren't admit to.
    
    I read the note and didn't find it all that bad. It must really piss
    the Scots off that English football is shown so much North of the
    border (in the same way that it used to piss me off when they showed
    Leeds every week on the local Yorkshire tv station). And the constant
    references to 1966 during the WC must get right up their noses so a bit
    of mickey-taking at our expense doesn't seem too bad.
    
    Paul. 
     

    
    	Well that's really thrown me now...
    
    
    
    	Paul Lem *DOESN'T* just talk a load of old b*ll*cks after all!! 8-)
                                                               
    	Andy.

    Mr Mods, please,
    
    That last note should be set hidden *IMMEDIATELY*. I *DO* talk a load
    of b*ll*cks all the time.
    
    Paul.
    
    PS. I think ManU are great.....
    

    
    CHEFS::GEORGEM
    
    Explain to me why your comments are probably not welcome....?
    
    As you are a reader of this note, and now a contributor, then you
    should have realised that Danny Smith is always moaning about England, 
    and constantly going on about WC66 ( which we won, it was 4-2, Geoff
    Hurst got a hatrick, great game ), thats his job at DEC.
    
    Dave...
    
    
    
    

    I would just like to nail one myth that seems prevalent just recently.
    The English do not suffer from double standards. Ours just fluctuate
    wildly ;-)

re: .118

Because I usually get slated for putting my opinions in conferences that are 
supposedly for facts.  I'm glad that I've found a conference that isn't as 
stuck-up as some others I could mention.

P.S.Didn't we beat England some time in the 20's?  I think it may've been '24

Hmm......As for :"Assuming some of.....qualify", I think that considering the 
number of "decent" Welsh football teams, we've done pretty well so far, thank 
you very much.  I'll also bring up my age old argument that there's only 2.8 
million of us, but there's over 50 million of you.  So if anyone should get a 
free ride into the finals of EC 96, it should be us!

    Dear GEORGEM,
    
    I, the author of the "Assuming some of ... qualify" reply, am not one
    of the 50 million. I am one of the three and a half million who sent
    the sole representatives from our two islands to WC USA 94.
    
    Stick to the facts or shut up !
    
    ;;---)))))
    
    
    Just kidding honestly, but how dare you say that we FOOTBALL noters are
    not stuck up ;-)
    
    
    Jerry.
    
    

    
    Dan,
    
    finally got to read your note that was set hidden. Can't for the life
    of me think why it was set hidden? It would have been even funnier
    had it not been so true. When you consider the way some of our noters 
    from down south rant and rave, how can they possibly get upset when
    it's told like it is ? 
    
    Del. 

    Well I read the said note before it got set hidden,
    
    
    And I found it highly amusing....
    
    Especially after last nights exciting display of attacking football
    against Romania...
    		      .
                       .... :-)
    
    You haffta laff dontcha....otherwise...<insert favourite phrase for
    being totally depressed by the state of national football>...
    
    _BUT_...when all is said and done....England have at least _WON_ the
    World Cup...more than can be said for some other teams less than a
    thousand miles away....
    
    :-)
    

    I was just sorting out my desk when I came across a Colemanballs book, so
    while the P.L. are playing musical chair with the managers, I thought
    I'd enter a few.....
    
    These are all quotes from "Sporting Personalities"
    
    Don't tell those coming in now the result of that fantantic match. Now
    let's have another look at Italy's winning goal.
    							David Coleman
    
    And Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular.
    							Bryon Butler
    
    We are quite lucky really this year because Christmas falls on
    Christmas day.
    							Bobby Gould
    
    Hodge scored for Forest after only 22 seconds, totally against the run
    of play.
    							Peter Lorenzo
    
    And now for International Soccer Special: Manchester Utd. Vs
    Southampton
    							David Coleman
    
    Dickie Davies: What he going to be telling his team at half-time,
    Denis ?
    
    Denis Law: He'll be telling them that there are 45 minutes left to
    play..........
    
    Footballs a game of Skill..... we kicked them a bit and they kicked us
    a bit.	
    							Graham Roberts
    
    I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself
    							Joe Royle
    
    Most of the people who can remember when we were a great club are dead. 
    						Notts County Chairman 

    
    
     And one I heard last week, Don Howe during the Arsenal Bronby match,
    
    "they didn't give him room to make a cultured pass"!!!!! Is that
    different from a good pass or a bad pass or what??????????????/
    
     Danny.
    
    

It's a Trevor "10 o levels and 4 A levels" Brooking pass, as opposed to a Vinny 
Jones pass, perhaps.

Hope this helps,
M

    >a cultured pass
       ^^^^^^^^
    
    The cultured pass is where the ball is passed for 80 yards to feet
    whilst quoting the complete works of Shakespeare in Latin.
    
    A good pass is when it reaches a team-mate and a bad pass is what Lee
    Dixon makes frequently 8-)
    
    Stuart

    
    Another Colmanball.............
    
    And Northern Ireland are in their changed strip of white
    shirts.........which is quite ironic as it has just started to
    snow here at Windsor Park....
    
    John Motson....who else

    
    Another one from a book of Scottish Football quotations:-
    I think this one was attributed to John Lambie of the Thistle, after
    the trainer said to him...
    
    "He's concussed, boss. He doesn't know who he is!"
    
    The reply was "Tell him he's Pele and send him back on"
    
    Archie

	Vinnie Jones is playing for Wales!

	Choppers

    What is the similarity between Eric Cantona and a pervert having
    intercourse with a Hoover Dustette.
    
    They both hit the fan....Ouch.
    
    
    For those of you who don't know, a Hoover Dustette is a small hand held
    vacuum cleaner which gained notoriety in the 80's for being the object
    of desire for several unfortunate men. What they didn't know was that
    the impeller fan was only 3 inches away from the entrance of the
    suction inlet. 

    
    	It's pretty sad when you have to explain your own jokes, Paul.
    

re .133

I didn't know what the significance of the Hoover Dustette was until 
I read Paul's explanation.  Thanks man!

                         James.

    re.134
    
    Malc, I *thought* that you'd get it without any explanation (one of
    those smiley things). However, some people don't know about this added
    feature of the Dustette.
    
    Alternatively, you could say that they both f****d up the fan.
    
    Paul.

    
    Paul, I'm sorry, I should have put on all the smiley things onto 134.
    
    	Mind you, I'm not very sure what all the different variations of
    smiley type thingies mean. Is there a translation/dictionary anywhere ?
    
    Malc (trying to play the "I'm new to noting" card yet again).
    

    No offence taken, Malc. I don't usually put smileys in my notes, rather
    try to get the tone of the note to imply that I'm not being serious. I
    knew you were new to notes so I thought I'd put one in my response. I
    didn't think you were having a go at me anyway....
    
    Paul.
    

A few jokes ( I'll let you the jury decide if they are funny or not ) lifted
from The Onion Bag ( I particularly like the one about Tonee Adams ).


o  On hearing that Blackburn supporters had dubbed their ultra-successful
   strike force the SAS , ( Sutton and Shearer ), Crystal Palace fans said
   that their forwards were, in that case, SHIT.  When asked what it stood
   for , one replied, "It doesn't stand for anything, they're just shit".


o  Now that Coronation Street's Tracy Barlow has finally come out of her
   coma , Everton fans are hoping her brother Stuart will follow suit shortly.


o  When Jurgen Klinnsmann joined Spurs he said he wanted to join a winning
   side. The timing of his departure shows that the statement had nothing
   to do with football. Evidently he was only here for the VE day celebrations. 


o  Arsenal's Tony Adams was recently asked what his favourite ground was.
   "Good to firm", came the reply.

Everton signed a Serbian striker and in his first game, with Everton 2-0
down, he came on as substitute and a scored a hat-trick to win the game. In his
2nd game Everton won 5-1 and he scored 4 and set up the other goal. After the
game he rang his mother....

Slobodan;	"Mama, things are going great. I'm a hero, I've scored 7 goals
in my last 2 games and everyone loves me.."

Mama;		"That's alright for you!!!! Your father has just been shot, I 
was mugged, your sister has been raped and your 2 brothers have been beaten
up...."

Slobodan;	"Mama, I'm sorry to hear this but it's not my fault, is it?.."

Mama;		"Of course it's your fault. You're the one who brought us to
Liverpool!!!!"
 

Re -1

Come on Mr. Howard: that joke was specifically written with Limerick in mind
and he wasn't an Everton player, he was a Young Munster!

                           James.

     From last Saturday's Guardian, suggestions for "an imaginary Europe
     team that should be a pushover by surname if not by talent":

     Goal:	Prats (Celta Vigo, Spain)

     Defence:	Blind (Ajax), Grimm (Stuttgart), 
     		Gaspar (Tirense,Portugal), Passlack (Uerdigen)

     Midfield:	Crapa (Seraing, Belgium), Klomp (PSV Eindhoven),
     		Blank (Freiburg)

     Attack:	Blinker (Sheffield Weds), Tulipa (Belenenses, Portugal),
     		Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse (Charleroi, Belgium)

     Manager:	Guy Mangleshots (St Truiden)

    (With apologies to our overseas readers...)
    

    .142
    
    11 Carlton Palmers' would have the same effect, (in any language!).
    
    Ray....

    Part of an article by Frank Keating in today's Guardian:
    
    '...It was Barnsley where a smart-arse new sports editor on the
    Sheffield Green 'Un had the nerve to tell the long-time old Saturday
    stringer at Oakwell that he'd be fired unless he put some descriptive
    variations in his reports and cut out his routinely permanent first
    line, "The Reds kicked off with a rush..."
    
    So, next week, the old boy picked up his phone after five minutes play
    and, seethingly obeying orders, began to dictate his intro thus:
    "Oakwell glistened after the rains and a sharply textured and almost
    translucent winter's sunlight reminiscent of Brueghel's vivid brushwork
    helped warm the easterly zephyrs which lanced across the ground, and
    while it bent low the scurrying Lowry-type latecomers to the match, it
    stirred into picturesque wisps the smoke from the surrounding chimneys
    as the white-kneed official in black shrilly set things in motion with
    a sharp whistle-blast and the Reds kicked off with a rush..."        '
    

    I like the advert running on the radio at the moment....
    
    2 Scotsmen watching a video of Archie Gemmell's great goal for Scotland
    v Holland WC78 in Argentina, the first man says....
    
    "What true Scotsman could forget where he was when Gemmell scored that
    goal?..."
    
    "Aye.." says the 2nd.."just like everyone remembers where they were
    when they had their first Big Mac..."
    
    "Where was that then?.."
    
    "IN MCDONALDS YOU TWAT!!.."
    
    
    Ray....