Conference thebay::joyoflex

850.0. "Best Movie Blurbs" by NEMAIL::KALIKOWD (Dept. of Naval Contemplation) Tue Dec 25 1990 21:26

    Happy Christmas, all...  
    
    I was wondering where this might go, but since there's nothing
    appropriate under a dir/tit="movie" or "blurb" or "title", here goes...
    
    Just rediscovered our family Hall Of Fame collection of great movie
    blurbs...  In order to get sliced out of the paper and pasted into our
    archive, a blurb's gotta have a certain "je ne sais quoi," but perhaps
    after seeing this motley crew, you will have a better idea and may want
    to add your own to this string...
    
    Some are mere fragments of reviews, since we only save what we think
    are "the good parts"...
    
    BTW, I ain't saying whether or not we've actualy SEEN any of them!  :-)
    
    Finally: I have hardcopy of ALL of these... I Am Not Making These Up!!
    :-)
    
    So here we go, in random order...
    
    THE MOLE PEOPLE -- John Agar, Cynthia Patrick.  Archaeologists go down
    a hole in Tibet and find albino Sumerians served grudgingly by mutant
    slaves in the dark.
    
    THE PINK CHIQUITA -- Frank Stallone, Claudia Lidy.  A white-suited
    private eye driving a white convertible with a tusk on the hood saves
    the world from women turned nymphomaniac by a meteorite.
    
    NICE GIRLS DON'T EXPLODE -- Barbara Harris, Michaele Meyrink.  A girl
    causes fires and explosions because of something her mother swallowed
    when pregnant.
    
    THE BLADE MASTER -- Mike O'Keefe, Lisa Foster.  Prehistoric Ator
    glides, wrestles a snake and keeps evil Zor from the geometric nucleus,
    whatever that is.
    
    TOXIC ZOMBIES -- Charles Austin, Beverly Shapiro.  The federal
    government sprays a forest, turning marijuana farmers into ghoulish
    cannibals.
    
    RABID -- Marilyn Chambers, Frank Moore.  Experimental surgery leaves an
    injured Montreal motorcyclist with a bloodsucking appendage in her
    armpit.
    
    FLESHEATING MOTHERS -- Directed by James Aviles Martin.  Take a beloved
    wholesome icon (Mom) and turn it into a rampaging monster.  Set in a
    suburban Everytown with a seamy underbelly.  Town stud Roddy Douglas
    unknowingly spreads a weird virus that only affects women who have had
    children, turning them into cannibals.  When the teen-age Rinaldi,
    who's been grounded, answers his mother's call to come downstairs for
    dinner with "I'm not fallin' for it!" he only thinks she's put roaches
    in his mashed potatoes again; little does he know she's going to clamp
    her teeth onto his forehead.  After his narrow escape, Rinaldi and his
    high school pals band together, repress the urge to bash their
    drooling mothers' heads in, and resolve to restore their mothers to
    their former lovable selves.  They're helped by an Amazon nurse and a
    coroner who race against time to produce a serum to combat the virus.
    
    KING KONG LIVES -- Brian Kierwin, Linda Hamilton.  The big ape receives
    a heart transplant and runs off with his blood donor, a she-ape having
    his baby.
    
    ATTACK OF THE MONSTERS -- Nobuhiro Kahima, Christopher Murphy.  Flying
    turtle Gamera spins to the other side of the sun to save kidnapped
    earthlings from a pointy-headed monster and women who like brains.
    
    THE ADVENTURES OF HERCULES II -- A woman's liberation movement strips
    Zeus of his powers.  Lou Ferrigno, Milly Carlucci.
    
    LET'S MAKE A DIRTY MOVIE!! --  Grace Jones.  A sleazy movie producer
    buys the rights to a book about Albert Schweitzer and Martin Luther and
    turns it into a porno flick.
    
    SCARECROWS -- Bank robbers are pursued by killer scarecrows after their
    plane crashes near a deserted farm.
    
    FEAR STALK -- Jill Clayburgh, Stephen Macht.  A madman steals a TV
    producer's credit cards and notebook and uses them to upheave her life.
    
    THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR -- Peter Cushing, Robert Flemyng.  A Victorian
    policeman discovers a professor's daughter is a king-size moth with the
    kiss of death.
    
    ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES -- David Miller, Sharon Taylor, George
    Wilson.  In this campy sci-fi spoof, a garden of angry, overgrown
    tomatoes rebels against the human race, leaving destruction and snappy
    tomato tunes in its wake. 
    
    DEMON SEED -- Julie Christie, Fritz Weaver.  A sophisticated computer
    with human capabilities selects the terrified wife of its inventor for
    a mating partner.
    
    THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS -- Steve Martin, Kathleen Turner.  Unhappily
    married brain surgeon Dr. Hfuhruhurr finds true love with a discreet
    mass of cranial nerve tissue he wishes could be his wife's.
    
    CRITTERS -- Dee Wallace Stone, M. Emmett Walsh.  Hungry hairballs
    escape from a maximum security asteroid, land in Kansas, and eat a cow.
    
    HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN -- Trapped in a nuclear wasteland, surrounded by
    frog mutants, Sam Hell (Rowdy Roddy Piper) has a mission... fertilize
    as many women as possible so the human race can survive.
    
    THE MONSTER AND THE GIRL -- Ellen Drew, Robert Paige.  The dog and
    sister of an executed man are safe around an ape given the man's brain.
    
    CYBORG -- Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dayle Haddon.  A martial arts dynamo
    tries to save a half-woman, half-robot -- who holds the cure to a
    plague -- from the evil Flesh Pirates.
    
    LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS -- Rick Moranis, Steve Martin.  The story of a
    nerdy flower-shop clerk, his co-worker girlfriend and a blood-thirsty
    talking plant that eats sadistic dentists for lunch.
    
    EAT AND RUN -- Ron Silver, Sharon Schlarth.  A laugh-guy detective out
    to nail an alien cannibal is blocked by a lusty liberal judge.
    
    ASSAULT OF THE KILLER BIMBOS -- It's bimbos vs. bozos as sexy go-go
    dancers Peaches and LuLu and their waitress sidekick Darlene pack up
    their lip gloss, arm themselves to the teeth, and jiggle into
    adventure!
    
    THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM -- A high-kink vampire thriller from
    director Ken Russell.  Catherine Oxenburg and Amanda Donohoe star in
    this bizarre story of a vampire who heads a pagan cult of
    worm-worshippers.
    
    KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE -- Extraterrestrial clowns invade a
    small town to make cotton-candy pods out of hapless humans.
    
    KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE -- Grant Cramer, Suzanne Snyder.  Teens
    flee from large clowns who shoot people with popcorn and spin
    cotton-candy webs.
    
    THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER -- Five household appliances, abandoned in a
    soon-to-be-sold summer cottage, head for the city to find their owner.
    
    NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE -- John Stamos, Vanity.  The son of a bumped-off
    secret agent inherits the case of a heavy-handed he-she out to foul
    city water with a floppy disc.
    
    A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL
    
    INTERGALACTIC WORMS ON ACID -- the winner of this year's "SURF NAZIS
    MUST DIE" award.
    
    ... video store smashes like HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS, SPACE SLUTS IN
    THE SLAMMER, and the classic SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL
    BOWL-O-RAMA...
    =====
    ... th-th-that's all, folks!!  :-)  ... unless YOU have some... :-)

    Most of these belong in the BEIRUT::GOLDEN_TURKEY conference.
    But a few of these are spoofs, intended to be hilarious.

    Right you are, Norman -- note 26 in G_T seems to be a good home for the
    basenote.
    
    And btw, we were well aware that many of the movies are spoofs, but I
    guess a movie or its blurb don't have to be unintentionally funny to
    make it into our archives -- all they gotta be is FUNNY!  :-)