| To: All Personnel
From: Corporate Headquarters
Subject: New Retirement Plan
As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce
our number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being
mailed a package containing all the details; the highlights are presented here.
Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us
to retain the younger people who represent our future.
The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all
the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall
be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs
within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the Plan is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers
(SCREW).
All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review
by higher management. This will be called Study by Higher Authority following
Termination (SHAFT).
The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed
twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get
Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service (HERPES). HERPES is
considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be
RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.
It is now and always has been, the policy of the company to ensure that
employees are well trained. To accomplish this, a new program called
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) will be put into effect. With this
program, we will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other
company.
If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or
that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please
see your manager.
Our management people are especially trained to see to it that you get all the
SHIT you can stand.
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