| Here it is:
Who's on First --
Transcription of a radio broadcast by Abbot and Costello
C: If you're the coach, you must know the players.
A: I certainly do.
C: I never met the guys so you'll have to tell me their names.
A: I'll tell you their names.
C: <funny names>
A: We have on the bags: Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't
Know's on third.
C: That's what I want to find out.
A: I say: Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
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C: Are you the manager?
A: Yes.
C: And you're the coach too?
A: Yes.
C: You gonna know the fellas' names?
A: Well, I should.
C: Well then, who's on first?
A: Yes.
C: I mean the fella's name.
A: Who.
C: The guy on first.
A: Who.
C: The first baseman.
A: Who.
C: The guy playing first base.
A: Who is on first.
C: I'm asking YOU who's on first?
A: That's the man's name.
C: That's who's name?
A: Yes.
C: Well go ahead and tell me.
A: That's it.
C: That's who?
A: Yes.
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C: Wait. You got a first baseman?
A: Certainly.
C: Who's playing first?
A: That's right.
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C: When you pay off the first baseman every week, who gets the money?
A: Every dollar of it.
C: All I'm trying to find out is the fella's name on first base.
A: Who.
C: The guy that gets the money.
A: That's it.
C: Who gets the money?
A: He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down
and collects it?
C: Who's wife?
A: Yes.
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C: Look, all I want to know is, when you sign up the first baseman,
how does he sign his name to the contract.
A: Who.
C: The guy.
A: Who.
C: How does he sign?
A: That's how he signs it.
C: Who?
A: Yes.
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C: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
A: No, What is on second base.
C: I'm not asking you who's on second.
A: Who's on first.
C: One base at a time!
A: Well, don't change the players.
C: I'm not changing nobody!
A: Take it easy buddy.
C: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base.
A: That's right.
C: OK
A: Allright
____________________
C: What's the guy's name on first base?
A: No, What is on second.
C: I'm not asking you who's on second.
A: Who's on first.
C: I don't know.
A: Oh, he's on third. We're not talking about him.
C: How did I get on third base.
A: Wy, you mentioned his name.
C: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is
playing third.
A: No, Who's playing first.
C: What's on first?
A: What's on second.
C: I don't know.
A: He's on third.
C: There I go, back on third again.
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C: Well, you stay on first base, and don't go off it.
A: OK, what do you want to know?
C: Now, who's playing third base?
A: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
C: What am I putting on third base?
A: No, What's on second.
C: You don't want who on second?
A: Who is on first.
C: I don't know. Un di di ...
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C: Look, you got an outfield?
A: Sure.
C: The left fielder's name.
A: Why.
C: I just thought I'd ask.
A: Well, I just thought I'd answer.
C: Then tell me who's playing left field.
A: Who's playing first.
C: Stay out of the infield.
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C: I wanna know what's the guy's name in left field?
A: No, What's on second.
C: I'm not asking you who's on second.
A: Who's on first.
C: I don't know ... ... ... Third base.
C: And the left fielder's name?
A: Why.
C: Because.
A: Oh, he's center field.
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C: Look! Look! Look! You got a pitcher on the team?
A: Sure.
C: The pitcher's name?
A: Tomorrow.
C: You don't wanna tell me today?
A: I'm telling you.
C: Then go ahead.
A: Tomorrow.
C: What time?
A: What time what?
C: What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching.
A: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
C: I'll break your arm you say who's on first.
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C: I wanna know what's the pitcher's name?
A: What's on second.
C: I don't know ... ... ... Third base.
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C: You got a catcher?
A: Certainly.
C: The catcher's name?
A: Today.
C: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
A: Now you've got it.
C: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
____________________
C: You know, I'm a catcher too.
A: So they tell me.
C: I get behind the plate and do some fancy catching. Tomorrow's
pitching on my team, and a heavy hitter gets up.
A: Yes.
C: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball,
me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base.
So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
A: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
C: I don't even know what I'm talking about.
____________________
A: And that's all you have to do.
C: Is to throw the ball to first base.
A: Yes.
C: Now who's got it?
A: Naturally
_____________________
C: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's got to get it.
Now who has it?
A: Naturally.
C: Who?
A: Naturally.
____________________
C: Naturally?
A: Naturally.
C: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
A: No you don't. You throw the ball to Who.
C: Naturally.
A: That's different.
C: That's what I said.
A: You're not saying that.
C: I throw the ball to Naturally.
A: You throw it to Who.
C: Naturally.
A: That's it.
C: That's what I said.
A: That's it! You ask me.
C: I throw the ball to who?
A: Naturally.
C: Now you ask me.
A: You throw the ball to Who.
C: Naturally.
A: That's it.
C: Same as you ...
A: ... ... ...
C: Same as you ...
____________________
C: I throw the ball to Who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy
runs to second.
A: Yes.
C: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to
I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. Triple play.
A: Yes.
C: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why?
I Don't Know. He's on third. And I don't give a darn.
A: Huh?
C: I said, I don't give a darn.
A: Oh, that's our shortstop.
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