Conference thebay::joyoflex

736.0. "Best of limerick addition football" by PASTIS::MONAHAN (humanity is a trojan horse) Mon Nov 20 1989 20:18

    Many thanks to Tom Eggers who compiled the following. Some of the
    original partial limericks have already been deleted to save space.
    
    SSDEVO::EGGERS "Anybody can fly with an engine."
                           -< .1 - .406 compressed >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The next 600+ lines are the complete limericks, compressed, from notes
    705.1 through 705.406.


    There once was a writer from Spit Brook
    Who had a hand (he used) for a hook,
	'Stead of a hook for a hand.
	But it had been planned,
    'Cept "handhook" for "handbook" was mistook.
    
    That mistaken writer from New Hampshire
    `What rhymes with "New Hampshire" is "hamster,"'
    Said he in his book
    (Worth hardly a look)
    Shows that he's above all quite a shamster.

    That mistaken writer from New Hampshire
    `What rhymes with "New Hampshire" is "hamster,"'
    Said he in his book
    (Worth hardly a look)
    "And if it doesn't, I don't give a damn, sir"

    There once was an elderly parrot
    Who wouldn't let anyone near it,
    To those who came close,
    It bit off their toes!
    Then continued to munch on a carrot.

    There once was a frog from Milwaukee
     Who loved to watch ice hockey
         Till his rear he did chill
         but o what a thrill
    When he stayed there all night reading Saki

    He was a bright engineer from Maynard
    Who wanted to work in a shipyard.
    He plumbed the Mill pond
    Till a fairy with a wand
    Said, "Go home!  You've been working too hard".
    
    There once was a WAF'er named Kallis,
    Who conjured limericks with malice,
        Sesquipedalian words
        were often observed 
    By Bob, Dave, Jon, and Alice.
    
        There once was a WAF'er named Kallis.
        Who conjured limericks with malice
        	Sesquipedalian words
        	Unknown to the herds
    	Showed erudition can also be callous.

    Tech writers can spell "engineering"
    And have used obscure words like "careering"
    With thesaurus in hand
    Making documents grand
    And even sometimes quite endearing.

    Along came a proud tech writer,
    Who everyone wished would be quieter,
        In a paperless office,
        'Bout which was a novice,
    Will now keep his lips a bit tighter.
    
    In a department nicknamed Field Circus,
    Worked a clown named McGurkus,
      All day and all night,
      Repairs were his plight,
    To systems gone down and bezerkus

        A MicroVAX system in Texas,
        Tried (so hard) to route and connect us,
        By a satelite link,         
        To London I think,
        By golly!! Send me their prospectus.

    There once was a company named Wang.
    Whose profits fell down and went "Bang!"
    	Frederick resigned
    	And politely declined
    To say any more than "gol dang."
    
        There once was a company named Wang.
        Whose profits fell down and went "Bang!"
        Off to bankruptcy court
        Went those who sold short
        Unemployment is all that this brang.

    for i = 1 to 10 do
    raise bar to power of foo
    	extract the square root,
    	shut down and reboot
    for i = 1 to 10 do .....
    
    There once was a zany old chap
    And many a bug did he trap
     Till, on a programming spree,
     he found himself at C
    Now he's studying the linker's map.

    There once was a zany old chap
    And many a bug did he trap
    'Til an omniverous ant
    Made him try to recant
    Now he has a halo on his cap.

        A bunch of green women from Mars
        Made really sub-par candy bars.
        M&M's they did paint...
        Adding poisons to taint.
        Now their spending their time behind bars.

	A tomato-paste sandwich in Tobins
	As red as hemoglobin
		When broken in two
		Fell on my shoe
        Now on, I'll eat at Baskin Robbins!

        I love total lunar eclipses.
        I toast them with simple wine sipses.
        When Earth's shadow is cast.
    	I know 'tis the last
	So let's end with a set of ellipses...

        'Tis late on a Friday afternoon.
        The workweek will really end soon.
        	Then away we'll all go
    		With a wild do-si-do
	A brief respite will prove quite a boon!

     A portly preoccupied panda
     Met up with a fish called Wanda
             so flat did he squish
             the fish on a dish
     That it now covers the floor of his veranda.

    An AIA called NAS from ZKO
    While at DEC saw a strange UFO,
     He described the night sky
     To the BOS FBI,
    So they made him the new CEO.

        I saw a man dressed as a nun,
        'twas plain his [poor] mind was undone.
        	It was just a bad habit
        	Denounced by the abbot
        But not before having his fun!

        There once was a man from Pawtucket
        Who kept all his data in a bucket
            Till the day that it spilled
            For which he was grilled
    	His reaction should not have been "**** it".                          
    
    A VP with french relocation
    Decided to go on vacation
    	She cruised up the Seine
        Then did it again
    'Cuz France is so pretty a nation

        A Yankee on visit to Wales
        Told the locals preposterous tales
             The stories he told
             Were so big and bold,
        In comparison the Pentateuch pales.


    The salesman who sold me this VAX
    Wrote down in his black filofax:
    	"What a clown I have found."
         If he ever comes 'round,
    He'll never admit to the facts.
    
    My system manager's grandson
    Was kidnapped for a small ransom
    	Of mega computes
        By some Big Bluish brutes
    They wanted ten CRAY-2's , and then some!

    A dasterdly dandy dubbed 'Dan'
    Drew up a most devious plan:
    	He plotted to pay pennies 
        When his duo dined at Dennys
    Wound up washing dishes by han'
    
    There once was a man named Ken Olson   
    And he certainly wasn't Ken Olsen
    	His wife brewed a pot
        Of coffee too hot
    "I wanted tea!", he said with revolson.

	There once was a vee-tee-two-twenty,
    	Whose set-up had options a-plenty
	When its options were toggled
	The mind, it was boggled
	...with terminal illness - lament we !

    The Digital people in Reading
    Were asked to go to a wedding
    The present they bought was..
    A pair of strong oxes
    And a cart full of hay for fresh bedding!
    
        The digital people in Reading
        were asked to go to a wedding
        The present they bought was
        A pair of strong oxes
    	They must have misheard what was said. In.
                            
    The bride and the goom were so thankful
    That they had for their transport a tankfull.
    Said the bridegroom of it,
    "Why don't we permit,
    "A limericist to fill in the blankfull?"
    
        The bride and the groom got a start,
	Each one taking a different part.
    		One piece from the dowry
                was excessively flow'ry
        So they left that behind in the cart.

    The honeymoon, taken in Orkney,
    Was short.  "It's better in York, 'oney."
    Said he.  Said she, "Bull.
    "It's just beautiful,
    "And now you can wait for the stork, 'oney."
    
    "Expecting a baby so soon?"
    he spluttered the followingnoon!
    "why,yes,'tis a fact...
    we *did* make contact"
    i must have forgot the balloons!!
    
    A programming lab found in Maine
    Would never write code called mundane
    	For the folk have a way
    	To seldom repay
    All those who would cause them some pain.

    A lovely young lass named Jessie
    Was so incredibly messey
    that her mother in pain
    cried again and again
    "Jess will you clean up your room before I freak!"

    A lovely young lass named' Jessie
    Said, "I have something I just must confessie ...
    "I adore custard pie
    But, the more that I buy,
    The more I look like a cow named Bessie
    
    There was a new driver in Boston,
    Poor transplanted cowboy from Austin,
    On a street marked one way
    Drove his old Chevrolet
    Downtown is where he is lost in.
    
    There was a new driver in Boston --
    Poor transplanted cowboy from Austin
    On a street marked one way,
    Drove his old Chevrolet;
    Horns of a dilemma was tossed on:
    
    The cop was just standing there grinnin     
    The driver, not knowin' who's watchin
    Turned 'round the old chevvy
    And crashed into a levy.
    And now he's paying insuran.

    A cop there spied him driving
    At the corner he was arriving
    'Turn left' said the cop
    So he crashed into a shop.
    His bail he now is contriving.

    The street ends in a corner
    He felt just like Jack Horner
    But instead of a plum
    He pulled in a museum
    Like a cartoon by the Brothers Warner

    It's so hard to write a good lim'rick
    When ev-er-y Tom Harry and Dick
    Compete[s] for the rhyme,
    Quite conscious of time
    Notes Collision is quite the trick

    It's so hard to write a good lim'rick  
    When every Tom, Harry and Dick
    Compete for the rhyme,
    Quite concious of time,
    And I am unable to type very quick.
                      
    A noter out here on the West Coast
    Had a terribly slow host.
    While waiting.... and waiting...
    And waiting ... and waiting ...
    She gradually turned into a ghost
    
    A well written ditty came forth,
    While the writer was draining a fifth.    ;-)
    She cried, "Hold on a second...
    "Don't you dare round third
    Remember you have to pass GO first!
    
    A writer with no sense of meter
    Had died, and said to St. Peter
    "Hold on there, now.  Wait!
    "Can I go through that gate,
    "If they find for my scan rate I've been a cheater?" :-D

    A writer with no sense of meter
    Is bothersom to the particularly well-informed and attentive reader
    But, try as (S)he might
    (S)he couldn't get it right
    All his/her friends couldn't either.
    
    There was a young jockey from Wales
    Who rode horses, which got him in gaols
      He thought it natural
      To ride "au natural"
    And to suffer the saddle nails!

    There was an odd fellow named Randy,
    That indulged himself always on candy,
    He once had so much
    That, in one sticky touch,
    New meaning he gave the word "handy".

    His hand, well it stuch very well there,
    And there, and there, and everywhere!
    The whole sticky mess
    Has been treated with success
    In the tarbaby tale of Rabbit, Brer.
    
    That rabbit was as clever as Roger,
    Who, once, from his wife, he did dodge her.
    For the she-rabbit could cuss
    But 'twas the old blunderbuss
    That he had quite a logical fear.
    
    George was a sailor at heart
    But he owned a horse asnd a cart
    In fair or foul weather
    In fen or fine heather,
    He'd say, "Anchor's aweigh," when he'd start.
    
    There was a crustacean named Drew 
    Who came down with a terrible flu
    He started to sneeze
    "Oh! no," he said, "Please!
    "I don't have lungs.  Will gills do?"
    
    There once was a man with three eyes
    Who had an edge over conventional spies
    'til one day he saw
    A spy who had more
    Old four-eyes gave three-eyes a surprise!
    
    Four-eyes he took out his dagger
    And made short work of the blackguard
    But what he forgot
    Was that it didn't rhyme
    Which just made three-eyes madder and madder.
    
    Three-eyes, a terrible revenge he wanted,
    So eye number three he no longer flaunted.
    He popped in a monocle,
    (Which made him look comical)
    And searches for four-eyes undaunted.

    He found him at home there in Boston
    on a street that he nearly got lost on.
       4-Eyes' home he could see,
       and while shouting with glee,
    He got run over by a big truck

    In "Limerick Addition Football",
    The tales that they tell may be too tall,
    Yet nevertheless,
    We ne'er [do] digress,
    But they're more unique than any I recall.

    A DECie once worked in New Hamsha
    Having left old Iran and that damn Shah
    But the bold Ayatollah
    Said, "I must have your soul-ah".
    And now he's an infernal rancha.
                                    
    The centipede had many shoes.
    Too often he would them lose.
    His mother screamed, "Why?"
    "Because, might as I try,
    "I always misplace them by twos."
    
    There once was a little pirhana
    To the judge, said "Please, please, your honor,
        I ate not that swimmer
        She wasn't my dinner
    But she looked just like Lola Falana
    
        A small rainy cloud above Holland
        On a dam spied a cabbage patch doll, and
        With no further ado,
        I must rain upon you
        And don't let me hear any bawlin'.

    I used to like rhyming with poetry
    But lately, I am sad.  Woe is me!
    When looking for words
    That don't seem absurds
    I butcher the previous note entry.

        There once was a silly old orange
        That was sectioned and put on a porrange
            Its juice ran amok
            It flooded my truck
        I still miss that silly old orange.

    There once was a skater on Saturn
    Who cut in a crater a pattern
    He made lots of rings
    And other neat things
    Not _those_ though (a mind like a slattern)
    
    The skater went on and past Neptune
    While humming a catchy and hep tune
      	He stopped on Uranus
	To sing "Adoremus"
    He saw two new lunae and kept une.

    "What's next?", he thought.  "Oh, yes, there's Pluto."
    As deep into space he did shoot, "Oh.."
    I'd better turn left
    For this space is bereft
    And the rest of the tale it is moot-o
    
    There was a new trav'ler in our galaxy
    Who was overcome by a fit of ecstasy
       when first he saw Triton
       He said, "How excitin'!"
    Triton was never considered so sexy.

    Our traveler traveled to Venus.
    The Venusians thought, "He's seen us!
      And our life is silicon,
      It is always such silly fun,
    Forever he'll wish he could've been us!"

    ~ - ~ ~ - ~ ~ - ~
    ~ - ~ ~ - ~ ~ - ~
    ~ - ~ ~ -
    ~ - ~ ~ -
    ~ - ~ ~ - ~ ~ - ~ 
    
    ~ = unstressed
    - = stressed

    He stopped on an asteroid
    To a rock his ship he toyed        
    But the asteroid crumbled
    And his gyros, they tumbled
    The crumble it rendered him schizoid.

    Oh, how I love eating the chocolate.
    Whether in box or in boxlet.
    Just gimme a cherry
    A rasp or straw berry
    While I soar aloft in my biz-jet.

    He was amused by a quaint bumpersticker
    Causing him to grin, giggle, then snicker.
    	Its meaning was clear
    	As it made the car's rear
    An object of mirth for the trickster.
    
    The bumper was seen by the bishop
    Who immediately came to a full stop
    And afterwards he
    Wrote to the Holy See
    To share the amusing malaprop.
    
    The pope was not so amused
    But thought the bishop excused
    	Because of the way
        The translation did say,
    "Bishop, you have just been used"

    The bishop thought it was trollope
    The child though[t] it was lollipop
       But no one knew
       Just what she would do
    Whether lick it or suck it or whallop

    Do you remember that family in Reading?
    The man's hairline was receding.
    	They say it was caused
    	Because the guy paused
    Before he had time to set netting.
    
    The bald guy was told by his wife:
    "Without any hair there's no life,
    	There's nowt to brush,
    	and nowt so plush,
    But I see that not all is sans life."
                                  
    The poet was chastised for lewdness
    But he responded with humorous shrewdness:
    	"Sometimes poems lubricious
    	Are perhaps not judicious
    But never they are fully fruitless."

    All right people, let's not mess up the rhyme and meter on this one!
    It's great pleasure, just to try it and find out, something is well done!
    	But no matter how hard we try to make it rhyme and scan
        Not even supercalifragilisticexpialidocious can
    make any sense of this pathetic attempt. Add MEANING, then it's more fun.
                                                                    
    There once was a young lady from Kent,
    Who was found attractive by many a gent.
    One evening in Lewes
    She took off her shoes
    Plus enough else to earn money for rent!
    
    The young lady from Kent was ambitious,
    And her wares, on display, looked delicious!
        The lads gave her money
        Which she thought was funny
    [You're all waiting for something lubricious]

    A young man (a Kentishman also)
    Asked, "What makes autumn leaves so?"
    	"Is it some lack of sap?
	"Or do they take a nap
    And in April awake alfresco?"

        These limericks are making me sick
        'Cause my mind is no longer as quick
                I try and I try
                While I sigh and I cry
	[Take your choice of one of the following four lines.]
    	Other noters all think that I'm thik
    	I never can quite get the truck
    	A lime never seems to quite rick
    	Of these lines you can all take your pick
    
    A noter with vee ess two thousand...
    Was chewing his cud like some cows, and
    As he moved his mouse
    He felt like a louse
    When he entered note 396.10,000.

        There was a Swede from Minnesota
	Biked Dakota on her Jota moter,
    		From St. Paul to Pierre
    		She sat on her rear
    	And wished she had bought a Toyota

    Anybody can fly with an engine
    Anybody you'd care to mention
      But it's more often
      On a DC-10             [ that's called an eye-rhyme I think ]
    That de seats are effete from de clenchin'.
    
	A few folk can fly with a broom.
	(Don't ask them to sweep up the room.)
	(lest you be turned to a newt!)
	((or something less cewt))
        (((Oops! This limerick went up in fume...)))

    An astronaut passing by Spit Brook
    From his shuttle did take a look
    Much to his surprise
    He read, "Mission, revise
    There's no intelligent life in Spit Brook."
    
    A great musician named Sonny
    Used to play minor tunes that were funny.
    One of them went,
    And paid the rent
    Now Sonny has plenty of money.
    
    The LPS40 won't print
    And the floppy drive's covered with lint
    So what should I do
    If the maintenance crew
    Is as slow as the government?

    Here lie's an old fellow named Burt
    He knew that the truth couldn't hurt.
    So he told his dear wife,
    "It's that time of my life
     to lie 6 feet down in the dirt."

    I answered the phone and heard
    What sounded a lot like a bird
    It started to twill
    Which gave me a thrill
    Despite the toll charges incurred.    

    The prof was mathematics discoursing
    The ire of his students was he incurring
         The square root of 'i'
         From none could he pry
    And a pi in the eye got him cursing.

    He punished them all with a spot quiz
    On limerick-meter series! Quite a whiz ...
    The answers of course
    Had all of the force
    Of, anapestically, a "root beer fizz"!

    The old prof now angrily averred
    I'll have that lad, by my word!
    He can't extract roots
    Sans others in cahoots
    Perhaps he will never be cured.