| per Dave Berry, circa 1985, a classic:
You've Already Unpacked It?!!
Congratulations!
You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you
thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly
will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S
MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT
ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER
AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH
THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE
INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes, because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume
that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing
by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
who like nothing more than to jab spears into the outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE
IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae realy wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering
backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most
of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop
the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name
is "Barker," if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and
you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh
in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he
enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say: "WARNING"
A plastic packet containing four 5/17ths of an inch pilfer grommets
and two chub-ended 6/93rds of an inch boxcar prawns
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: A matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn
to your spouse and say, "Margaret, you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all the way through the Drive-thru at Burger
King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares,
that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutilation Group, which, in a continuing
effor to prevent consumers from causing hazardous current to flow
through their appliances, developed the Three-pronged Plug and the
Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.
Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs
Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO
NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet,
but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp
handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD
A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID YOUR WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN.
THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN, BUT DOES HAVE
MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next, taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is
a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from
Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY:
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon at shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to
our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage
in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
Spd
|
| Recently, I bought a television stand from a local discount store.
The directions were, to say the least, interesting.
Although there were three pages of directions, page one was missing.
Page two, although present, was written entirely in Spanish.
Page three, fortunately, had pictures. I assembled the piece
successfully.
andrew
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