Conference thebay::joyoflex

492.0. "Mudslinging season (politics 1988)" by IND::KABEL (Rik SUBWAY::Kabel dtn.352.2224) Fri Mar 11 1988 01:46

        The following is reprinted from Maledicta, the international
        journal of verbal aggression, Vol VI, numbers 1 + 2 (1982.) The
        article, from which this is extracted, is "A Guide to Political
        Mudslinging" by Richard Lederer.
        
        My fellow citizens, it is my patriotic duty to inform you of
        some disturbing facts about my opponent, Senator X.
        
        Are you aware of the fact that the man is a known sexagenarian?
        He is a flagrant homo sapiens who has been seen practicing
        celibacy all by himself.
        
        He habitually visits the YMCA, where he frequently engages in
        abdominal exercises. 
        
        At the golf course, he perpetuates horrible lies, and he has
        been seen on repeated occasions masticating in public
        restaurants. 
        
        In fact, your senator is a confessed heterosexual who advocates
        and even participates in social intercourse in mixed company. 
        
        His very home is a den of propinquity.  The place is filled with
        an atmosphere of incense, and there, in the privacy of his own
        residence, he practices nepotism and extroversion with other
        members of his family.
        
        Now let's take a close look at the salubrious acts committed by
        the senator's family. 
        
        It is a controvertible fact that his father, who died of a
        degenerative disease, made his money by publishing photographic
        magazines and distributing pamphlets about horticulture.
        
        His mother was a known equestrienne who nourished colts on her
        country estate and practiced diversion out in the field. 
        
        His daughter, who is powerfully attracted to sects, is a
        well-known proselyte, and she does it outside of churches.
        
        Not surprisingly, another daughter pursues a hortative life and
        offers advice filled with hoary platitudes.
        
        His son matriculates openly at Harvard University and is
        a member of an all-male sextet.
        
        For many years, his sister was employed as a floorwalker, and
        she practiced her calling in some of our city's best department
        stores. 
                                                  
        His brother was known to consort with numismatists and
        philatelists and spent three years living in a Buddhist colony. 
        
        His uncle goes to the movies almost every night and has turned
        into a heroine addict.
        
        His aunt is so susceptible to moral suasion that she has begun
        pushing for oral hygiene in our schools.
        
        And even as I speak before you today, Senator X's wife, who has
        always tended to become histrionic, is off in wicked New York
        City living the life of a thespian and performing her acts
        before paying customers! 
        
        Now I ask you: Do we want a man with such an explicable and
        veracious reputation occupying public office and setting an
        example for our youth?  If that happens, who knows?  The entire
        nation might convert to altruism. 
        
        Clearly a vote for Senator X is a vote for the perpetuation of
        all we hold dear.  A vote for me is a vote for the very
        antithesis of the American way.