Conference thebay::joyoflex

    Don't forget the leash when you take your mother out for a walk
    tonight!

You weren't born.  You evolved out of a high school test tube marked "Failure".

    Or the oldie:
    
    That's a nice suit.  Where did you have it shined?

re: .0  "Put me down..."

  I think this is a really stupid idea for this conference, and, in any case,
  has been covered (ad nauseum) in other 'humor' conferences.



  Well, you *did* asked to be put down...  :-)  (Just kidding!)

  --  Sam

Thank you for offering me such a privileged glimpse of the obvious.

		Nigel

Someone should have told his/her parents about birth control.

...and your roof leaks!

    Every time you think, you weaken the nation!

    (I could start a whole subset of these by mentioning this source.)


    But the discriminating noter already knows, right?



    The Three Stooges!

    
    He changed jobs from Company Y to Comapny X, and increased 
    the average intelligence of both places.
    
    -Glinch.

    
    Programmer Put-Downs:
    
    
    	UNIX-for-Brains
    
    	FCS-breath

	Heard this put-down of an RTL Developer from a developer of
	another product:

	"Well, at least we're not callable!"

	-Jim

	My favourite disparaging description ......

	"About as much use as a chocolate fireguard"

    Another one from the Three Stooges:
    
    "Ya know, for a guy without brains, you're a genius!"
    
    Or how about:
    
    Your brother was an only child.
    
    re:.11
    
    The horse you rode in on swims after troop ships.
    
    --- jerry

    One of my favorites, from a (very) early "Cheers" episode, said
    in a tone of wide-eyed bewilderment or flaming sarcasm, as you choose:
    
    "Just think, they're allowed to vote, and drive cars..."
    
    -b

    From a physician friend, reponding to a proposed problem
    solution:
    
    	"That's kind of like doing a tonsillectomy peranus;
    	 you can do it, but there are easier ways."
    
    -Glinch.
    
    

    This morning, while driving to work, I spotting this on a bumper
    sticker:
    
    "Support your local bloodhound; GET LOST!"

    He certainly can't be two-faced....if he had another one, I'm sure
    he wouldn't keep wearing THAT one!

       To any official at a sporting event who has just made an
       unfavorable decision:
       
       "If you had one more eye you'd be Cyclops!"
       
       --Mr Topaz

"He changed his mind and it's a good thing too - the old one didn't work too 
well."

    
Spock to "Bones":
    
    
"Not only is that comment illogical, but totally unworthy of refutation."

    A good one from a school report :
    
    	"Give him the job and he'll finish the tools."
   
    or
    
    	"He may be good at something, but we don't teach it here."
    
    
    			Ian.

    
    Heard at a DECUS Symposium:
    
    	"Not only has it been a pleasure, it's been
    	 a damned inconvenience."
    
    -Glinch.

< Note 421.22 by HBO::KELLIHER "Ed Kelliher" >
                       -< A most "Enterprising" putdown >-
> Spock to "Bones":
> "Not only is that comment illogical, but totally unworthy of refutation."

Is this quote for real?  I don't remember it from any _Star Trek_ episode
or movie.

P.S.  To keep with the topic, here's another putdown:

"{target} left home without it." -- as in Karl Malden's warning

George to Gracie in a _very_ old movie on cable:

    "If you went to a mind reader he would give you half price."

A friend of mine, in saying good night to his hostess after a particularly 
boring dinner party told here that he had had "a simply pediculous time."

	(Pediculous: of or pertaining to lice.)

Dave

    Overheard at DECUS: oldtimer advising firsttimer, "Now the ones
    with the Blue Ribbons (DEC employees) are the *experts* ... unless
    they're wearing a three piece suit!"
    
    rmm
    

    
    r�: .25
    
          Sure 'nuff is.  You musta missed one.
    
    In years to come:  (S)he's got about as much fiscal restraint as
    an '87 stockbroker(ess).
    
    

    
    "You're ugly and Your mother dresses you funny..."
    
    "Everywhere you go, the vile stench of your unclean bowels permeates
    the room!"
    
    Cleverness on the Newlywed Game:
    Bob Eubanks:
    	"Ladies, where is the most UNUSUAL place your husband has wanted
    	 to make woopee?"
    The Female Contestant:
    	"Oh, that'd be in the butt, Bob."
    Audience:
    	<Hysterical Laughter>

    
    
    Howzat?

           Some historic "put-downs":
    
    Dr.Samuel Johnson in a slanging match with a Thames bargee;
    
           "Sir, your wife under the pretext of keeping a bawdy
            house is actually a receiver of stolen goods."
    
    Benjamin Disraeli (I think) speaking of a parliamentary colleague;
    
           "His smile has all the warmth of a ray of winter sunshine
            glinting off the plaque on a coffin lid."
    
    In the 60's in the U.K. during the parliamentary debate on the Profumo
    case when John Profumo, then Minister of Defence, was accused of
    lying about his extra marital affair with Christine Keeler there
    was a lot of hypocritical moralising particularly from Quintin Hogg
    and referring to him a courageous back bencher said the following;
    
            "When self indulgence has reduced one's body to the state
             of that of the Honourable Member it requires only a very
             slight sense of the ridiculous in order resist the temp-
             -tations to which he accuses Mr.Profumo of succumbing"
    
                                                                Max    

    Check out Samuel Clemens for some down-putting of humanity in general,
    particularly his later writing.

    "The only difference between a man and a dog is that after you treat
    a dog kindly he doesn't bite you."

        Some more historical put downs :-
    
         Clarence Darrow on hearing of Coolidge's election
         -------------------------------------------------
         "When I was a boy they told me anyone could become
          President.
          Now I'm beginning to believe it."
    
         A parlimentary hassle between the Earl of Sandwich and
         the notorious radical John Wilkes
         ------------------------------------------------------
         Sandwich: "Sir I do not know whether you will die on the
                    gallows or of the pox."
          Wilkes : "That merely depends, milord, on whether I embrace
                    your principles or your mistress."
    
         and another between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill
         ----------------------------------------------------
         Lady Astor:"If I were your wife I would put poison in your
                     tea !"
         Winston   :"Madame, if you were my wife I would drink it !"
    
         Benjamin Disraeli defining the difference in magnitude between
         a disaster and a calamity.
         --------------------------------------------------------------
         "If Gladstone fell into the Thames and drowned it would be
          a disaster.
          If someone pulled him out that would be a calamity."
    
     
     

    
    Lady (?) when exiting a restaurant and observing Winston Churchill
    in an inebriate condition:
    
    	Sir, you are drunk!
    
    His reply:
    
    	Madam, you are ugly, but I'll be sober in the morning.

    And, of course, an exchange between ? and ? (sorry, I forget).
    
    She, sending him an envelope in the mail:
    
    	Here are two tickets to my opening night.  Bring a friend,
    	if you have one.                                          
    
    He, replying and returning the tickets:
    
    	Sorry, engaged that evening.  Send two tickets for the
    	second performance, if there is one.

    >    And, of course, an exchange between ? and ? (sorry, I forget).
    
    George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill, I believe.

    
    -dave

           Re .36
                  You beat me to it.
                  It was GBS and Churchill.

	And then there was the telegraphic exchange between the famous 
playwright and the leading actor. (As to who is who, that is left to the 
reader as an exercise!)  The opening performance of the play was over.
	The actor receives a telegram from the playwright:
		"Wonderful! Superb! Stupendous!"
	To which he replies:
		"Undeserving such praise."
	Another telegram from the playwright:
		"I meant the play."
	To which the actor replies:
		"So did I."

    I knew someone in elementary school who used to say,
    
         "If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave
          its a*s and make it walk backwards."
    
    Dan

    Someone at college came up with this one:
    
         "You're the only person I know who could have
          both feet in his mouth, his head up his a*s
          and still think he has a leg to stand on!"
    
    Unfortunately, I only heard it second hand.  I would have liked
    to have seen the reaction.
    
    Dan

    To a man (doesn't work for a woman):
    
    "How, what a nice {jumper, shirt, any clothes}, do they make the
     same for men ?"
    
    Pierre.

    Though : 
    
    "With a face like yours, you don't talk, just fart."
    
    Pierre.

When joking to a friend about a strange piece of clothing:


	"I used to wear shirts like that -- and then my father
	got a job!"

    re -1:
    
    Saw a bumper sticker sorta like that.  It said:
    
    			 You're ugly, and your
    			mother dresses you funny!

    Housband to wife just returning from a visit to the Beauty Parlor:
    
    "What's the matter, was it closed today."
    

    When indifference is apropos:
    
    "If I could care less about {someone/something}...I would"
    
    (I know Richard Lederer on WEVO said "couldn't care less"
     is proper, but the above just sounds better)
    
    Bill

    You're suffering a severe cranial/rectal inversion.
    

        The most difficult 5 years of his/her life were...



        ...the third grade.

    Nice.. I hope that suit/dress/haircut/... comes back into fashion
    some day.
    
    John.

    
    "If you had another brain cell, you'd have a synapse."
    
    Robbie

Heard on a silly TV show,

sibling A:  You've got the brains of a paramecium.
sibling B:  Maybe so, but you've got the brains of _one_ mecium.

what a lovely dress (suit, shirt, etc.)... do they make it in small sizes?


i would agree with you.... if you were correct.


"His mind is like a soup bowl, wide and shallow, it can hold a bit of 
everything, but with the slightest jarring the contents are spilt."
 (can't remember who said this originally)


--Angela

    G'day,
    
     Apparently heard on the local radio....
    
    
    "If a******es could fly, this place would be an international
    airport....
    
    
    
    
    derek