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Conference thebay::joyoflex

Title:	The Joy of Lex
Notice:	A Notes File even your grammar could love
Moderator:	THEBAY::SYSTEM

Created:	Fri Feb 28 1986
Last Modified:	Mon Jun 02 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1192
Total number of notes:	42769

319.0. "WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?" by EDEN::KLAES (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!) Mon Feb 09 1987 10:54

From: Phil Kaplan ............................................. Phoenix, AZ, USA

	(Despite the fact that it looks like I made this up, the following
	article came from a newspaper.)

	"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today,"
	one parent wrote.  "Please execute him."

	That death sentence was inadvertently recommended in a note that a
	parent who was in a hurry or possessed an uncertain vocabulary wrote
	to excuse a child's absence from school in Vernon Parish, Louisiana.

	Copies of some of the Parish's more astonishing excuse notes were
	given out at a recent school board meeting.  "Some of them were
	obviously made up by the students,"  the assistant principal of
	Leesville High School said.  But most of them, he said, probably
	were legitimate excuses written by parents in the rural parish.
	In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to
	protect the innocent and guilty alike.

	One parent appeared to have taken drastic action: "Please excuse
	Mary for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot."

	Another had a more comprehensive request: "Please excuse Fred for
	being.  It was his father's fault."

	"Please ackuse Fred being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and
	33," wrote a parent who lives by an unusual calendar.

	"Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover,"
	wrote one who apparently expected the school to be tolerant of
	social follies.

	"Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very
	close veins," one parent wrote.

	"Fred has an acre in his side," another said.

	And in an extreme case of people losing things: "Please excuse Fred
	from P.E. for a few days.  He fell yesterday out of a tree and
	misplaced his hip."

	In a confusion of office work and medical terms, one parent wrote:
	"Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday.  She is administrating."

	And several had a racier tone: "Please excuse Fred from being absent.
	He had a cold and could not breed well."

	"Please excuse Mary.  She has been sick and under the doctor."

	"Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday.  She was in bed
	with gramps."

 <><><><><><><>   VNS Edition : 1253      Monday  9-Feb-1987   <><><><><><><>

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
319.1		STOWMA::LANGE		`Mon Feb 09 1987 14:33`	2
	Or "Please excuse Mary school from today,she spent the weekend with the Marines."
319.2	NOW HE'S GONNA NEED A DOCTOR!	EDEN::KLAES	Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!	`Wed Feb 11 1987 13:08`	19
	From: Steve Caccia ............................................... Stow, MA, USA Phil Kaplan in his letter about notes from home to school certainly did not have to make any of them up. Not only do parents make mistakes in grammar or spelling, but the students themselves can be very inventive. A true story was told to me by a school secretary about a student who brought a note from "home" asking to be excused early to go to a doctor's appointment. The note was an obvious forgery, so the secretary, to see how far the student would push his luck, asked for the name of the doctor. The immediate response was Dr. Mills - the only Dr. Mills in a three town area, and the only veterinarian in those same three towns. BTW - The family had no pets. STEVE CACCIA STOW, MA. U.S.A. <><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 1255 Wednesday 11-Feb-1987 <><><><><><><>
319.3	Truth is stranger than fiction is stranger than...	DRAGON::MCVAY	Pete McVay, VRO Telecom	`Fri Feb 27 1987 12:56`	17
	When I was teaching, the school nurse mentioned some of the great names for diseases she had heard. The only one I can remember is "spinal meningitis" came out "screamin' mighty Jesus". What's so remarkable about this list of excuses is that it is folk history, and often gets resurrected along with the insurance company excuses. I've seen this list at least three times in the past twenty years. There's an excellent book (titled "Folk Histories", oddly enough) that describes all kinds of tales that get circulated. The "death car", "toddler executed in a public restroom", "baby roasted in over", stories are all folk stories of this type. I still find the list funny--and can't help thinking that the stories were based in fact. I find it hard to believe that anyone could have made them up!
319.4	other diseases?	STUBBI::B_REINKE	the fire and the rose are one	`Sat Feb 28 1987 21:27`	1
	re spinal meningitis - how many suffer from brown chitis?
319.5		SWSMKT::HJONES		`Thu Apr 07 1988 19:57`	8
	I took a class on "American English" and at one time discussed the folk names people had for diseases. Sometimes the folk names were more descriptive than the official name. For example, "Old-timer's" disease for Alzheimer's. helen
319.6	I digress, therefore I am?	HAMPS::HILL	Nick Hill - UK Corp. Actts	`Mon Apr 11 1988 15:26`	7
	And to digress slightly... Two 6 year olds in the School playground: First child, "We found a condom on our patio last night." Second, "Oh really!" .... thinks .... "What's a patio?"