Conference thebay::joyoflex

257.0. "DEC Dictionary" by DRAGON::MCVAY (Pete McVay, VRO (Telecomm)) Tue Oct 07 1986 14:03

                                 NOT
                        THE DIGITAL DICTIONARY
    
                                  or
    
                       "A Fistful of Floppies"
    
                 A Guide to Understanding DECspeak, 
                  Illogical Grammar, Misspellings, 
                   Euphemisms, and other Code Words
                Used in Digital Equipment Corporation


    A
    
    ADVERTISING:  We don't believe in squandering money on 
         telling people who we are and why our computers are 
         good.  If they really want to know, let them get the 
         information through Arpanet--just like everyone else.
    
    AGGRESSIVE:  This is bad.  Do not be aggressive, especially 
         if you are female.  (See also BITCH.) 
    
    ASSERTIVE:  This, too, is a backhanded compliment.  It means 
         that you give good memo but aren't especially effective 
         at getting results. 
    
    AUTHORITY:  The only people who have this are a few Vice 
         Presidents--and they're usually afraid to use it.  
         People we hire from Raytheon have a rough adjustment 
         period.
    

    B
    
    BITCH:  A woman the speaker doesn't like.  She is usually 
         more intelligent than the speaker, otherwise he would 
         call her a dumb broad.
    
    BOUNDED SYSTEM:  One which would be useful if you could 
         expand it.  Which you can't.  
    
    BURP:  No, this is not a belch.  It's an acronym for a 
         financial report that shows whether a product is making 
         a profit or not.  It is indicative of the sobriety of 
         finance people that there are no funny jokes about this 
         particular report.
    
         Depending upon the product, a more suitable name for 
         this report might be GROAN:  "Get Ready--Orders Are 
         Negative".
    
    BUY-IN:  No matter how trivial the project or decision, you 
         will always have to get the "buy-in" of someone who 
         doesn't understand what's going on.  This increases the 
         time spent on any given project by at least 50%, 
         depending upon the recalcitrance of the targeted 
         individual and the likelihood of impacting his vacation.  
         
         The probability of getting needed buy-ins was best 
         explained by Corbin's Uncertainty Principle, which 
         demonstrated that no one seems to know who's in charge.  
    

    C
    
    CBI:  Computer Based Instruction.  We spend a lot of time and 
         money writing manuals.  We want you to READ them, 
         dammit.  To encourage you, we've made our Computer Based 
         Instruction as tedious and incomprehensible as possible.  
         If you're a normal person, you'll abandon the CBI and 
         start using the manuals within two hours.  
    
    CONCERN:  "Here's my concern..."  What the speaker is REALLY 
         saying is "You idiot, you've missed something I think is 
         really important." (See also HELP.)
    
    CUSTOMER:  Anyone who does NOT work for DEC and who MIGHT 
         someday buy a computer from us.  In our egocentric way, 
         we make no distinction between someone who does business 
         with us (a customer) and someone who does not but might 
         (a prospect.)
    
    CUSTOMER-INSTALLABLE:  A product is declared to be customer 
         installable whenever we include a screwdriver in the 
         shipping dunnage. 
    

    D
    
    DECMATE:  Computer chess term.
    
    DE-SKILLING:  When you ask a manufacturing supervisor why his 
         techs can no longer assemble a system they've been 
         assembling for ten years, he'll tell you proudly, "Oh, 
         we've been actively de-skilling for several years".  
         This means that he's hiring people whose knuckles graze 
         the ground and who receive no training.
    
    DIALOGUE:  In normal English, this is a noun, meaning a 
         conversation between two people.  In Digital, however, 
         it is a verb very popular with people who scored less 
         than 500 on their verbal SATs. The verb "to dialogue" 
         means to discuss the subject at hand in as roundabout a 
         fashion as possible, perhaps call a task force or two 
         (see TASK FORCE), and do nothing.  People who do nothing 
         love to dialogue. 
    
         If you love to do nothing, say things like "Let's 
         dialogue on that issue" frequently.  You'll probably be 
         offered a job in Sales Programs or Organizational 
         Development.
    
    DRI (DESIGNATED RESPONSIBLE INDIVIDUAL):  Most projects at 
         Digital, be they in Engineering, Manufacturing, or 
         Marketing, have a "DRI":  the person whose ostensible 
         job it is to see that the project is successful.  
    
         The DRI has no one working for him, and no one else on 
         the project need listen to his advice or follow his 
         directions.  The DRI's REAL JOB is to be the cannon 
         fodder should the project turn into a disaster.  AVOID 
         BEING CALLED THE DRI ON ANY PROJECT.
    

    E
    
    EASY-TO-USE:  This is the most "in" kind of product to be 
         involved in at Digital.  All of our products are 
         user-friendly and easy-to-use, especially RSX Sysgen, 
         MACRO, and the microscopic diagram in the DECmate 
         installation guide from which you're supposed to figure 
         out where to jam all the cables from the second disk 
         drive.
    
    EMERGENCY:  A recent Ken Olsen memo declared a state of 
         emergency at Digital, likening the situation to that of 
         a pilot in a difficult situation.  When the memo reached 
         DEC Japan, a senior Deckie read it and asked:  "Excuse, 
         please.  Not understand memo.  If Ken Olsen is pilot, 
         why he not just fly plane?"
    
         And folks wonder why Japan, Inc. is doing so well.
    
    ENTRY-LEVEL:  This is a term used to describe systems which 
         are too weak to be usable and too cheap to be 
         profitable.  Marketing always wants to hype 
         "entry-level" systems.  Engineering likes to design 
         them.  No customer in his right mind wants to buy one. 
         (ALSO SEE CUSTOMER-INSTALLABLE)
    

    F
    
    FEEDBACK:  This is DECspeak for a cruel and uncalled-for 
         remark.  It is usually heard in the form "Let me give 
         you some feedback", then followed by criticisms of your 
         voice, your clothes, your haircut, your accent, etc.  
         Typically the "feedback" is delivered by some 
         overweening manager you've never met before.
    
         Never defend yourself; you risk getting more feedback on 
         your defensive (also see AGGRESSIVE) behavior.  Instead, 
         just smile sweetly and thank your superior for his 
         interest.  In the open and frank spirit of the moment, 
         offer him some feedback on his personal hygiene, weight 
         problem, obvious toupee, boring presentation style, etc.  
         Suggest some suitable courses for him/her to take.
    
    FUTURES:  Our marketing and sales organizations prefer 
         selling futures to the products we actually manufacture 
         at any given time.  It is not clear whether this is due 
         to their inability to sell what we have, or to 
         Engineering's inability to build what customers want.
         A task force, no doubt, will be formed to work the 
         issue.  
    

    G
    
    GIA:  Branch of C.I.A. within Digital.  The "I" does not 
         stand for intelligence.
    
    GENERAL-PURPOSE COMPUTERS:  No one wakes up one morning and 
         decides to buy a general-purpose computer; the buyer is 
         usually quite specific on what purpose the computer will 
         fill.  
    
         We say that PDP-11s and VAXes are general-purpose 
         computers because we don't know what people do with 
         them.  
    

    H
    
    HELP:  Careers are destroyed with too much help.  You, too, 
         can learn to help the people you want to get rid of.  
         The following phrases will assist you:
    
         a.  "Help me understand that".  Say this to your 
         adversary at a large meeting after he has just made an 
         amazingly silly statement.  This will call everyone's 
         attention to the fact not only that he is a complete 
         idiot, but that you are a tactful and modest person.  
    
         b.  "How can I help Irving?"  Say this to Irving's boss, 
         then point out Irving's many good qualities ("He seems 
         to be trying his best") while making it clear that he is 
         totally incompetent ("But he doesn't appear to be making 
         much progress, and I know it's important").  Irving's 
         boss will immediately recognize you as a helpful and 
         tactful person, and will plan Irving as a "4" (Needs 
         Help) on his next review.  With any luck, Irving will be 
         so incensed over his lousy raise that he'll quit DEC 
         altogether.
    

    I
    
    IGNORANT:  Do not be offended if someone says you are 
         ignorant (uninformed or lacking knowledge); this is a 
         treatable condition.  Study, and your ignorance will 
         decline.  
    
         Sadly, no cure has yet been found for sheer stupidity 
         (although many stupid people have found gainful 
         employment in Merrimack, weaving delightfully naive 
         marketing plans and stringing one-of-a-kind packaged 
         systems.)

                                                                 
    INTERPERSONAL SKILLS:  It is very important to get along with 
         people at Digital, since the only way to get things done 
         is to talk or trick people into it.  (See AUTHORITY.)
    
         Don't ever make anyone angry, or on your next 
         performance review you will be criticized for your 
         lack of "interpersonal skills" and will be packed off 
         for a week of "Positive Power and Influence" or related 
         psychobabble.
    
         If you're liked by everyone, your performance review 
         will state that you avoid confrontation; you will be 
         packed off for a week of "Positive Power and Influence".  
    
         The simple truth is that NO ONE at Digital has 
         interpersonal skills good enough to work here.  
    
    ISSUE: Issues are Digital's most flexible product.  There are 
         lots of things you can do with issues:
    
         a.  Table the issue (meaning do nothing)
         b.  Address the issue (look into it and then do nothing)
         c.  Visit the issue (say you did, then don't)
         d.  Revisit the issue (oh no, not that again)
         e.  Work the issue (spend a lot of time looking into 
         details that have no bearing on the issue, then do 
         nothing)
         f.  Let's work that issue off-line (let's not embarrass 
         ourselves by talking about that mess in front of all 
         these people)
         g.  I'm on top of that issue (I don't intend to do 
         anything about it and don't want to talk about it.)
         

    K
    
    KERNAL: Most people at Digital are perfectly capable of 
         spelling words such as psychosis (perhaps because it's 
         so common), but are convinced that those little yellow 
         things on a corncob COULDN'T POSSIBLY be spelled the 
         same as the essence or core of a given product.  
    
         Don't let the constant misspelling confuse you.  In 
         fact, if you start spelling "kernel" with an A, you may 
         have a promising career in Product Management.
    
         See also INTERMITTANT, SEPERATE, and TRANSIANT.
    
    K.O.:  If K.O. likes it, it's O.K.
    

    L
    
    LOW-KEY: Certain people are said to be "Low-key".  Don't let 
         it be said about you.  It means "does nothing, but 
         doesn't make a fuss about it."
    

    M
    
    MARKETING: We don't do this at Digital.  If the salespeople 
         are too dumb to sell it and the customers too misguided 
         to buy it--to hell with them.
    

    O
    
    OFF-LINE:  This is the way we like to solve problems.  
         Actually solving a problem during a meeting is 
         disruptive to the process of the meeting (see PROCESS.)  
         So we take the problems "off-line" (look into them at 
         some later date, preferably never.)
    
    ORDER PROCESSING:  We think processing orders is absolutely 
         fascinating (see PROCESS).  Actually filling the orders 
         is a boring and repetitive task in which we have very 
         little interest, so we assign it to our most junior 
         people. (See DE-SKILLING.)
    

    P
    
    PHASE REVIEW:  Products have phases, described and defined in 
         the Phase Review Planner.  Most people take these 
         seriously.  Don't be fooled.  The whole Phase Review 
         Process is just a ritual.  A more accurate definition of 
         the product's phases follows:
    
         PHASE 0:  Somebody in Engineering feels his career is 
         slipping. He finagles a pile of money to do a 
         feasibility study, and starts saying that the Marketing 
         people are too naive to understand the wonderfulness of 
         his Widget just yet.  Approval to proceed to Phase 1 is 
         granted.
    
         PHASE 1:  Prototype Widgets start churning out like 
         croissants at Bloomingdale's.  An argument breaks out as 
         to whether the product is really going to provide 
         "incremental business" (business we wouldn't have won 
         with any other products we already have).  
    
         A task force (see TASK FORCE) is formed which recommends 
         a major market study (for which no funds exist) and the 
         creation of a new marketing group to focus on the issue 
         (see ISSUE).
    
         PHASE 2:  Entrance into Phase 2 involves a mandatory 
         six-month slip in the project due either to Marketing 
         unreadiness to cope with the problem, or to a power 
         supply design error.  The DRI (see DRI) must select the 
         reason for the slip.
    
         At the last minute, Field Service declares the product 
         to be inherently unreliable, and Sales Programs decides 
         to delay the announcement until a suitable occasion 
         presents itself.  The Technical OEM group wants to 
         proceed because Schlumberger has said they'll buy 2,000 
         Widgets per year if we do a special hotwired version 
         just for them.  
    
         A task force is formed to work the issue off-line.  A 
         compromise is reached:  we will have a "Program 
         Announcement", whereby we send out a one-paragraph press 
         release announcing our intention to pursue the widget 
         market.  Electronic Design breaks the story first:  
         "DIGITAL TO INVEST MILLIONS IN NEW WOOGGET--ABANDONING 
         VAX CUSTOMER BASE".  All other media wisely ignore the 
         announcement.  Twenty VAX customers cancel orders.
    
         At announcement time, the product slips another three 
         months because some goof forgot to place an order for 
         the now-corrected power supplies.  There is a slight 
         flurry of activity until a minimum-wage clerk is found 
         to pin the blame on.
    
         Phase 3:  The product's been announced for a year now, 
         and we've sold two.  One has been returned.  The 
         original Engineering Manager has taken a job with 
         Apollo and the Marketing group has reorganized.  A new 
         Vice-President in charge of Widgets is named, with a 
         300-person group  to re-engineer, improve, find 
         third-party software for, and figure out how to sell 
         Widgets in the retail/dealer channel.
    
         A $6M television advertising campaign is launched with 
         the snappy slogan "We Change the Way the Widget Winks".  
         It is cancelled when the Vice-President goes to Sun 
         Microsystems.
    
         Phase 4:  Manufacturing notices that we've sold two 
         Widgets in the last six months and proposes that we 
         terminate production.  The line is shut down.  Two weeks 
         later, a salesman in Washington wins an order for ten 
         Widgets.  The line is restarted at a cost of $1.5M.
    
         Phase 5:  The Washington order is cancelled.
    
    PROCESS:  We love process at Digital.  We even hold meetings 
         to discuss the process of holding meetings.  You can get 
         instant recognition as manager material if you come to a 
         meeting and say things like:
    
         a.  "I have a process question"  This will free everyone 
         at the meeting from doing any work at all and allow them 
         instead to discuss how they propose to conduct the 
         meeting.  This usually begins and ends with re-arranging 
         the chairs and tables in the room.
    
         b.  "The process is what's causing the problem".  This 
         is a REALLY brilliant move, since now everyone can spend 
         his/her time bitching about how impossible Digital is to 
         work for, instead of solving the problem.  Better yet, 
         the person who caused the problem is now free from all 
         blame.  Say this loudly when the person who is clearly 
         to blame for the screwup is both high-ranking and in the 
         room.
    
    PRODUCT MANAGER:  At some point in your career, you will 
         either have to deal with a product manager or BE one.  
         It's important to know whether you're dealing with a 
         fool or not.  The acid test:  Ask him to describe what 
         he does.
    
         WRONG ANSWER (BEWARE, TURKEY AT 12:00 HIGH):  "I 
         facilitate, coordinate, and in general ensure that all 
         the right buy-ins are obtained to see that the process 
         is working properly".  If he also says things like 
         "Let's dialogue on that issue," run to the nearest exit.  
         The guy is useless.
    
         RIGHT ANSWER: "I make sure that sales can sell it, 
         service can fix it, and manufacturing can build it."  
         Hooray!  You're talking to someone who, if nothing else, 
         believes that he's responsible for something happening.
    
    PROJECT PLAN:  The document to which all participants swear 
         fealty--at least until the ink dries.
    

    Q
    
    QUALITY CONTROL:  Very important at Digital.  If we don't 
         carefully control quality, it might get out of hand.
    

    R
    
    REORGANIZATION:  This is the best way to avoid work.  If you 
         are a manager, keep your group in a state of anxiety by 
         constantly reorganizing--once a year is enough to both 
         avoid producing any meaningful output, and to get a "2" 
         on your performance review in recognition of the fine 
         job you did re-structuring the team environment,  
         re-defining job responsibilities, and re-training 
         everyone.  Remember to change jobs once a year.

    
    RISK:  We don't take risks at Digital.  We've spent the last 
         few years assiduously setting up review boards, phase 
         review criteria, administrative roadblocks, task forces, 
         planning requirements, prolonged testing, and 
         compatibility standards.  We then diluted authority 
         across the widest possible range of special-interest 
         groups to further ensure that no one can cut someone 
         else's red tape.  
    
         Go ahead--try and take a risk.  Someone will reach out 
         and grab you by the scruff of your neck, just as your 
         mother did the time you were five and wanted to try out 
         your brother's new two-wheeler.  
    

    S
    
    STOCK OPTION:  At Tobin's, consists of beef, chicken, or 
         vulcanized cheeseburgers.  In the vending machines, it's 
         cheeseburgers only.
    
    STUPIDITY:  Never attribute to maliciousness that which can 
         be explained by mere stupidity. 
    

    T
    
    TASK FORCE:  This is a group which generates a lot of memos 
         (preferably EMS rather than hard copy), a lengthy 
         recommendation report (lots of appendices, charts, and 
         graphs) and then does nothing.  The task force usually 
         concludes its report by recommending the formation of 
         another task force to really work the issue (see ISSUE). 
    
         Task forces are lots of fun to work on.  They give you a 
         good excuse for not doing your current job ("Gee, boss, 
         I'm sorry, but you know that task force is taking up a 
         lot of my time"), while making it possible for you to 
         decline any really work-heavy assignments on the task 
         force ("My current responsibilities prohibit me from 
         volunteering for that task.") 
    
    TBD:  To Be Determined.  You usually see these initials on 
         organization charts, meaning they refuse to give the job 
         to the underling who's probably earned it and haven't 
         found a burned-out old wreck who'll accept it.  Never 
         accept a job which reports to a TBD.  If you are a 
         burned-out old wreck yourself, be on the lookout for 
         TBDs.
    
    TRAINING:  You won't get any at Digital unless you decide to 
         spend your nights and weekends reading manuals. Do so.  
         Don't swell the ranks of the ignorant.  Just because 
         your boss wouldn't know a VAX if it fell on him doesn't 
         mean that you shouldn't.

     
    TRAINING, SALES:  This is where many tired-out salespeople go 
         to work when they've had it with chasing cables.  (See 
         also GIA.)
    

    V
    
    VENUS:  An engineering project which has taken longer to 
         finish than it took Franco to die.
    

    W
    
    WORK:  It's not supposed to be fun.  That's why they call it 
         "work."

    
                     -- (courtesy of Andy {o}^{o} Leslie)