Conference thebay::joyoflex

    As the sheepherder said, with a grin on his face,
    
    "I'm in love with ewe, ewe, ewe..."

    As the *FAITHFUL* sheepherder said as he wiped off his chin,
    
    "I only have eyes for ewe!"
    

    When he saw his girl friend approaching the pasture with a police
    officer, Tom said sheepishly,
    
    "Opps! Time to get the flock out of here!"
    
    

    The old oriental cashed in some Hong Kong state bonds one day, and
    was given $400 U.S. dollars for the lot.  He left are returned the
    next day with more bonds.  This time he was only given $370.
    
     "Why?  Yesterday you gave me $400 for the same number."
    
     "It's the rate of exchange," the broker explained.  "The price
    of the U.S. dollar fluctuates against the Hong Kong dollar, and
    therefore against the price of Hong Kong bonds.  As the U.S. dollar
    appreciates, the Hong Kong bond price depreciates."
    
     The old man nodded and left.  The next day he came in with more
    bonds, and was given only $350.  The broker started to explain,
    but the old man waved his hand and said, "I know.  Fluct again."

	Ah yes, reminds me of good ole' Montana, where
	MEN are MEN and SHEEP are SCARED !

/Eric

      Along the same lines as some previous replies:

      I could search the whole world over
      Until my life is through
      But I know I'll never find another ewe.
      
      Dave C.

A Chilean gaucho named Bruno
Said "There is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
A sheep is sublime,
But a llama es numero uno!"

Sorry, I couldn't resist,
Larry

    Now you know why "virgin wool" is so expensive.  It only comes from
    sheep that can run faster than the shepherd!
    

    A one-l lama,
    That's a priest.
    A two-l llama,
    That's a beast.
    But I'll bet my silk pajama,
    There's no such thing as a three-l lllama.*
    
    --------------------------------------------
    *The author's attention has been drawn to a type of
    conflagration known as a three-alarmer.  Poo.

    Here are a few to tickle your funny bone (as the Marquis De Sade
    would have done it).  These are Country Western Favorites.
    
    
    "You can put me in jail, but you can't keep my face from breaking
    out"
    
    "I've been lonesome in the saddle ever since my horse died"
    
    "He rode tall in the saddle, 'till his blister broke"
    
    I know - Booo, Hissss
    
    Larry
        

Of course, there's the ever popular...

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
than have a frontal lobotomy."

Speaking of Sing-Sing...

For adverbal abuse, my prison sentence starts Thursday and ends on a 
preposition.

    A prisoner fell into a bucket of wet cement yesterday and is rapidly
    becoming a hardened criminal.
    
    -----
    
    "It was burning hot in the desert.  I was completely lost; however,
    I noticed by the position of the sun, that it was still daytime...
    Water! I had to have water!  Incredible heat, searing dryness, and--
    what's this?  A figure coming toward me in the distance?"
    
    "Hello.  I have a letter for you."
    
    "A letter for me?  Let me see it!
    
    "...'Please give the bearer of this letter a glass of water.'  Who
    wrote this?!"
    
    "I did.  I'm thirsty."

    Several years ago, Rudolph Goplopsky (a famous Soviet scientist)
    attended an international conference in New England.  He was the
    guest of an American scientist and his wife.  One day, in late
    November, the three of them were walking across the quad of a
    relatively well-known university when a freezing rain began to fall.
    The visitor, who had forgotten his umbrella, said with some annoyance,
    "My goodness, it is raining."  His host, always looking for an
    argument, responded to that innocent observation with, "No, no,
    my dear Goplopsky; it is snowing."  The Russian, feeling the need
    to defend the meteorological awareness of the Motherland, said with
    some emphasis, "I am certain that it is raining."  Sensing a need
    to defend freedom, the American promptly responded, "This is a typical
    New England snowfall."  At this crucial point, the American scientist's
    wife, in an attempt to prevent an international incident, said to
    her husband, "Rudolph, the red, knows rain, dear."
                           
    
    Bernie (I am so ashamed.)

    Because some restaurants keep trying to cut pies into more pieces,
    I understand that someone is now lobbying for a minimum wedge law.
    

Does anyone recall the farmer who poured some water for his
sheep on a cold day?  The males received their water in liquid form,
but the bucket for the females froze before the farmer could get
to them.  His musical comment?

     "I only have ice for ewes."

   The unfortunate man who fell into a lens grinding machine and made
   a spectacle of himself.

    Or the butcher who backed into the meat grinder.  Got a little behind
    in his work.
    
    Or the man who ran through the screen door.  Strained himself.
    
    Or the stewardess who backed into the propeller (this is an OLD
    one).  Disaster.
    
    Or....

    
    Or the cow who jumped over the barb wire fence - partially.
    Udder destruction.

	Or, the firefly that flew backwards into a fan:

	Delighted!

      Or the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods.
      
      Dave C.

    The famous dialogue between W.C. Fields and Charlie MacCarthy:
    
    FIELDS:  Quiet, you little twerp; or I'll throw you through the
    	     venetian blinds.
    
    CHARLIE: Ah, that would make me shutter...

    Then there was the football player who wandered into a gay bay,
    he went in as a tight end but left as a wide receiver.
    
    R

    re .23:
    
    "...wandered into a gay bay..."
    
    San Francisco Bay, perhaps?
    
                                                   
                  /
                 (  ___
                  ) ///
                 /
    

    In the U.S., there is a fire safety program called "E.D.I.T.H."
    --Emergency Drills In The Home.
    
    An equivalent was recently started for companies called "C.A.K.E."--
    Corporate Active Knowledgeable Employees.
    
    Unfortunately, the two programs can't be used in the same place.
    
    You can't have your C.A.K.E. and E.D.I.T.H. too.

    Once upon a time there were three brothers whi lived in Philadelphia.
    They decided there was little future in this, so they decided to
    go out West and find their profession.  In due time, they became
    ranchers, and did quite well at it.
    
    The local citizenry, however, viewed them somewhat askance because
    they hadn't given their ranch a name.  They learned that in that
    part of the country, a mere address was insufficient: the ranch
    had to have a name -- an identity of its own, so to speak.  They
    considered names like "The Rocking Bar," "Circle-C," and "Lazy -Z,"
    but nothing seemed to fit.
    
    So they wrote their mother, and asked her what _she_ would name
    it.
    
    She sent back a postcard:
    
                   "Name it `FOCUS.'"
    
    They sent her back a note asking why they should give it that name.
    
    She replied, "Look in that cheap little dictionary I gave you."
    
    They looked, and read:
    
           FOCUS: Where the sun's rays meet.
    
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

Re .-1: see 9.50.

    On the old TV show "What's My Line?", Benette Cerf remarked that
    the Pashaw of Eyesore, in India, was annually given his weight in
    gold by his followers.
    
    "Are you Shaw?" asked Gary Moore incredulously.
    
    "Sultanly," Benette replied.

Re: back there somewhere

The version I heard went like this,

    A prosperous japanese businessman decided to visit Italy and had such
    a pleasant stay that he decided to return the following year.  This
    time, though, it was his luck to hand over 2000 yen to a particularly
    rude and harried clerk at the exchange desk at the airport.
 
    Counting the money he had shoved throught the grill, the Japanese man
    protested in heavily accented english, "Last time I was here I get
    100,000 Italy lire.  Now I get only 70,000!  Why?"
 
    "Fluctuations," said the clerk tersely, motioning to the next customer.
 
    The indignant Japanese drew himself up to his full five feet (or so)
    and snapped, "fluck you eye-talians too!!!!!"



and another,

A Chinaman on a first class cabin in a train. The waiter comes along and 
asks: You for coffee ?
 
"I got a first class ticket" replied the oriental, "F***-offy yourself"

Pete