Conference taveng::bagels

1359.0. "Battle of the Rabbis" by TNPUBS::C_MILLER () Fri Aug 27 1993 21:10

    Maybe someone can explain to me the following situation, since I can't
    fathom what the problem is!
    
    In July I contacted the rabbi at the synagogue I grew up in (rabbi #1)
    to officiate at my wedding next summer. My *parents* have been members 
    since 1967. I was Bas Mitzvah'd and confirmed at this synagogue, but
    not by this Rabbi. We are not overly impressed with him, nor have that
    close a relationship, but because I am familiar with the congregation,
    building, site, plus the location was close to our proposed reception
    site, it made the logical choice. I met with him one with my fiance and
    he seemed in favor of officiating, although gave us the option of
    having the Rabbi I grew up with (Rabbi #2) officiate instead. We
    decided that politically it would be better to stick with #1.
    
    Well, due to circumstances beyond my control, our wedding plans changed
    completely. We chose a different site for the reception, which happened
    to be 2 miles from the site of Rabbi #2 and his synagogue. By the way,
    Rabbi #2 Bas Mitzvah'd me, and officiated at my sister's wedding a few
    years ago. Rabbi #2 readily agreed to officiate at his synagogue (which
    we are paying through the nose since we are non-members).
    
    Now the problem: I told Rabbi #1 that due to logistics, we had changed
    our mind and were going with Rabbi #2. He went ballistic. I don't
    understand why! I always wanted #2 and #1 knew that...but why now he is
    causing trouble is beyond me. #1 called #2 who in turn called me in
    panic mode because #1 was bent out of shape that we *aren't* having it
    at that synagogue or with him. #2 (who is kind of wimpy) suggested
    having them BOTH officiate at the ceremony. I said I could only afford
    one (implying, but not saying they'd have to split their fee). My
    fiance phoned back #1 who said he was "very upset and disappointed"
    over our change of plans..not specifically saying why. I truly do not
    understand what his problem is! We signed no contract, had not done any
    conseling with him, nor discussed the wedding in any length. Is he
    angry because he lost a paid function for a day? is  his ego just
    bruised? what is the problem!!??
    
    Thanks,

I gather that these aren't Orthodox synagogues.  In Orthodox weddings, it's
the norm for multiple rabbis to participate.  The mesader kiddushin is the
one who really officiates and usually only he gets paid.  Other rabbis
read the kesuba, say sheva brachos, etc.

Just about every wedding I have been to, no matter the denomination, had
one Rabbi officiating (msader kiddushin) and then other Rabbis participting
in various ways. Only the "officiating" Rabbi was paid.

    Both rabbis are reform. I am not so much concerned about having two
    rabbis officate, rather, why #1 was so upset that he was very nicely
    told no thank you. Is it monetary? ego? With my parents being members
    there was no fee for having the ceremony there.

    Who really knows why people react the way they do?  I wouldn't worry
    about rabbi #1.  You didn't do anything unfair or unethical.  It's his
    problem he can't handle it.  If you want rabbi #2, just go with him and
    have a great wedding.  This is supposed to be a joyful thing for you. 
    There are enough things to be concerned about in planning a wedding as
    it is!
    
    /sl
    

Is it possible that he had declined some other engagement because of yours?

If so, he might be upset at the lost opportunity (and revenue).

L'shana tovah,
Gav