Conference taveng::bagels

We are planning a double bar mitzvah for this December for our twins.
The main ingredients are: the hall, the caterer, the photographer, the
entertainment (a D.J. works well). Depending on where you are, these are
the arrangements you need to make quickly (over a year in advance). If you
use a hotel the "sales" or "catering" department can recommend people
to bake the cake, decorate, and print invitations. They'll also know the
local photographers and DJs. If you don't use a hotel, your synagogue may
have lists of caterers. A good idea would be to attend a few bar mitzvahs
(sit in on the service even if not invited) to see what they do during and
after the service. You can ask the bar mitzvah family who they used. You
can also pop into the local hotels on Saturday night and see bar mitzvah
and/or wedding parties in action. If you like the band or DJ, ask for a
business card. Other places to check out are restaurants and country clubs
which often have rooms for private parties.

If you want your son to grow up Jewish you will have to provide a good
example. It wouldn't hurt to affiliate, the sooner the better. I assume
you have a place in mind where the religous service part of it will take
place, and I assume your son is (or will soon begin) attending Hebrew
school. Why not affiliate there? It will make it much nicer if you feel
you are part of that congregation and not just an outsider. Think about
what messages you send concerning your attitude towards religion by your
own actions (or inaction).

Dave

    Let me see if I understand this:
    
    Your son is 11� years old.  You are not members of a synagogue.  And
    since you are asking here, I take it you are not members of a chavurah
    or other alternative.
    
    If I've got it straight, the hall and caterer are the least of your
    problems.  Go have a talk with your parents rabbai ASAP.
    
    I belong to a Reform synagogue.  We are pretty liberal about such
    things, but even we require that a boy have several years of
    religious education before he can become a Bar Mitzvah.
    
    				Paul
    

    I may be missing something here:
    
    I thought that one becomes bar-mitzva'd at the age of thirteen no
    matter what -- education, background, selebration, etc.  I never had
    any religious or non-religious Jewish education, I cannot read Hewbre,
    and still I am called to Torah or Shabos.
    
    This is not to diminish the value of Jewish education, though...  Both
    my kids attend a Jewish day school [big bucks!!! :-)].

    Bar-Mitzvah is the moment after which a Jewish male is religously
    responsible and accountable for his deeds. From then on he has
    to fulfill all his rights and obligations as a Jew. I think it
    is required for him to know what his rights and obligations are, 
    what means to be a Jew, who are his people, what is their story
    and traditions. Of course it is not only the big reception and the
    gifts.

    As most Bagelers know, my family and I are not observant of all
    the rituals and traditions of the Jewish faith. But I feel proud
    of them, even if and when I do not follow them. When it was my son's
    bar-mitzvah I tried to fill the event with contents, so that he will
    receive and keep the traditions I and my generation are passing on to
    him as trustee, for him to pass on, in due time.

    As other noters before me, I strongly recommend that you try to inves-
    tigate about Judaism, and the contents you wish to get for yourself
    and transfer, on the different schools in Judaism, etc. To this day,
    when I remember my bar-mitzvah, it is the contents of the rite of
    passage what come to my mind, more than the celebration.

    Best regards,

    Juan-Carlos Kiel
    DEC Israel.

I always thought that you become responsible (Jewishly) at the age
of 13, but that a "bar mitzvah" was a religious ceremony that could
take place at any age. Specifically, I thought the essential ingredient
in a bar mitzvah was being called to read the Torah for the first time.
If age 60 was the first time, then that was your "bar mitzvah", whether
you intended it or not. Thirteen-year-olds are usually asked to do more
than this minimum; most give a divar (speech), chant the haftorah and/or
lead part of the service too. Would someone correct me if this is wrong?

Furthermore (as the author of .1) I cannot conceive of anyone omitting
the religous ceremony. Nor the Hebrew school - a child who can do no
more than read the torah blessing from a transliteration is unlikely
to remain Jewish for life.

Dave

According to halacha, when a boy is 13 years and 1 day old, he becomes
responsible for observing mitzvot -- bar mitzvah.  No rite is required,
though it's customary for him to be called to the Torah.  The chopped
liver swans are fluff.

    Re .6 - It is actually more complex than that.  If a young man (boy) is
    educated and mature enough, he may theoretically be called to the Torah
    before he attains the age of 13.  I don't know if there is a similar
    ruling that a young man who does not have the required knowledge is not
    allowed to be called to the Torah even if he is over the age of 13 -
    would not surprise me, though (ask your rabbi).  As Paul said, at our
    schul (which is Reform), a person must have studied for a minimum
    number of years, and be able to exhibit certain basic skills, before
    they can lead a service for the first time as a bar mitzvah (actually
    this is true in general, but the issue seldom comes up except for
    bar-mitzvah-aged children - adults without the required knowledge also
    do not lead services).  This is different from turning 13.
    
    I am sure the customs are different in different places, and that is
    why you need to talk to a rabbi as soon as you can.
    
    /Charlotte

>                                                    If a young man (boy) is
>    educated and mature enough, he may theoretically be called to the Torah
>    before he attains the age of 13.

I believe that's only for maftir.  It's ironic that that's the aliyah that's
usually given to a bar mitzvah.

    
    Re: .8
    
    >>                 If a young man (boy) is
    >>    educated and mature enough, he may theoretically be 
    >>    called to the Torah
    >>    before he attains the age of 13.
    
   >I believe that's only for maftir.  It's ironic that that's the
   >aliyah that's usually given to a bar mitzvah.
    
    Nit: even regarding maftir, the custom is not to call up
    a pre-bar-mitzva boy on certain distinguished Sabbaths, such as
    Zachor, Parah, the 7th day of Passover, Shavuot and Shabbat
    Shuva (the Sabbath between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur).
    This is important to keep in mind when the bar mitzva
    celebration takes place even a few days before his actual
    (Hebrew) birthday. It's also a good reason to plan it for
    after the birthday.
    
    Jem
    

> Bar-Mitzvah is the moment after which a Jewish male is religously
>responsible and accountable for his deeds.

Note that Conservative (most of them, I think), Reconstructionist, and Reform
congregations now all treat women as fully equal members, so the girls (and
women who have not been allowed to read from Torah in earlier, less equalitarian
times or in less eqaulitarian Orthodox congregations) will participate in a Bat-Mitzvah
ceremony that differs only in the substitution of the "t" for the "r" in the name. 

Our Reform
Temple has had several adult Bar/Bat-Mitzvahs, some of converts who continued their
studies, some of women who were denied this ceremony where they grew up, and
some even of men or women who grew up in old-line Reform congregations
where no one had a Bar/Bat-Mitzvah ceremony -- the style used to be a confirmation
ceremony at a somewhat older age.

    
    Re: .10
    
    >> Bar-Mitzvah is the moment after which a Jewish male is religously
    >>responsible and accountable for his deeds.
    
    >Note that Conservative (most of them, I think), Reconstructionist,
    >and Reform congregations now all treat women as fully equal members,
    
    Women are of course "equal members" of traditional congregations
    also. The question here was about *bar*-mitzva, not bat-mitzva.
    A girl is responsible for her deeds when she becomes bat-mitzva,
    at age 12.
    
    Do then and women then have exactly the same obligations? Do
    apples and oranges taste the same? There are separate, but
    *equal* roles for each, each being necessary and complementing
    the other, as has recently been discused in the note about
    the morning benedictions.
    
    Jem
    

    Re: .10
    
    Our shul does have Bat Mitzvahs for women (at age 13).  Since the
    originator of the note asked about his son, I left that out so as
    to not clutter my note with Bar/Bat, his/her, son/daughter stuff.
    The originator of this note has a serious problem which is all I
    wa trying to address.
    
    Re: .11
    
    Let's not discuss the question of men and women's obligations in
    this note.
    
    Re: .0
    
    Let us know what happens.  And if you want recommendations for a
    synagogue tell us more about where you live.
    
    				Paul
    

re .12:

Bat mitzvah at 13?  Do they do that to be 'egalitarian'?  If so, why don't
they do both bar and bat at 12?  Are there other synagogues that have
bar and bat at the same age?

The Reform synagogues that I know about in this area (greater Maynard)
all seem to hold both bar and bat mitzvahs at age 13. I think it's for
egalitarian reasons.

Dave

    
    The Conservative synagogue where I grew up did both at about 13 years
    old.  Never thought anything of it...
    
    Amy
    

I asked my Reform rabbi about the definition of "bar (bat) mitzvah"
and was told that it is a certain birthday which we celebrate by
calling the young person up to the torah reading. So I wrong in .5.

Dave

    Assuming you have resolved the issue of your son's Hebrew education, i
    have a list of tasks that we put together in preparation for my
    daughter's Bat Mitzvah last year.  If it would help, I can send it to
    you.  Please email me at:
    
    MILT PLAUT @LAS if you are interested.
    

    I have to give a short (2-3 minute) speech (and my wife does too) at my
    daughter's bas mitzvah on May 10th.  Somehow it was easier to write one
    for my son 5 years ago...

    Anyway, I thought that instead of a speech, I might read a short poem about
    the significance of the event, her growth into womanhood, etc.

    Does anyone out there have a good poem to celebrate this occasion?
    (I've looked in many bookstores, and searched the web but this topic
    seems to be overlooked.)

    Thanks and Shalom,
    				Jeff


    [email protected] 
    	   or
    MROA::Bergart

    May I suggest composing the piece yourself?
    
    It would make the occasion even more meaningful.
    
    Richard
    

    My wife and I are composing the speech part together from scratch.  I
    do, however, think that a general "professionally written" poem would
    be a nice addition.
    
    I have continued my search but have still not found any Bas-Mitzvah
    orientated poems (nor Bar Mitzvah ones either).  It does seems strange that
    our "literature" doesn't have a rich list of poems celebrating these two 
    events...
    
    
    		Jeff

Jeff,

Mazel Tov to you, your wife, and your daughter for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah.
I hope that the day was beautiful, and your words to your daughter were 
significant for you and her.

I found something in Barnes and Noble yesterday. I hoped when I came back into
this note, I would see that the date for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah was still
to come, but alas I see I am too late.

For other people whose children are approaching their Bar or Bat Mitzvah, there
is a book you might be interested in. It is:

     Bar/Bat Mitzvah Basics
     ----------------------
     Edited by Cantor Helen Leneman
     Published by Jewish Lights Publishing
     ISBN 1-879045-54-0
     Price: $ 16.95

There was a chapter in it of ideas for the parents' speeches from the Bima.
I leafed through that chapter. There was at least one poem which looked like
it might actually be appropriate for either a boy or girl.

Leslie