Conference taveng::bagels

    You might want to contact the nearest Reform synogogue; the Reform
    movement has an outreach program for intermarried couples and their
    families, and you can probably locate a support group in your area.
    I can think of two non-Jewish men in my group here at work whose wives
    are Jewish.  Both families have daughters, but I don't think either
    family practices much of either religion; maybe one of them will reply
    here or send you mail.  What you probably want to do is track down some
    families with older children and see how they are coping.
    
    /Charlotte

    I had thought of contacting the local temples but am finding it
    difficult (at best) to locate a Reform temple nearby; believe it or not,
    free and easy So Calif seems to abound in Conservative temples, and I
    have even found a sprinkling of Orthodoxy here in Orange County, but
    very little in the way of Reform temples.
    
    Anyway, I hadn't realized that such groups existed, so I appreciate the
    hint, and will renew my search for a Reform group where I will feel
    comfortable!   I will still be very appreciative of the opinions 
    and advice of other Noters who have had/are having similar experiences.
    
    Again, thanks for the clue about support groups; it might be an
    interesting experience.  My husband is cooperative to the extent that
    he agrees that our son has the right to learn both parts of his
    heritage and make his own choice(s) later on.  I am *not too sure* that
    his cooperation will extend to support groups, but I'm certainly
    willing to try to convince him...
    
    Marla
    
    

    You may also try contacting your local Federation.  MetroWest (here in
    New Jersey) also has a program for interfaith couples that is NOT
    associated with any one particular synagogue or temple - so there is no
    'pressure' for membership.
    
    	-Barry-
    

    The Jewish Federation for L.A. is located at 6505 Wilshire Boulevard,
    in Los Angeles and can be called at 213-852-1234.  In addition to the
    Reform movement, I believe some Conservative congregations also have an
    outreach movement for interfaith couples.
    
    You didn't specify where in Orange County you live, but if you'll write
    to me I try to find a list of congregations for you.
    

When my wife spoke to our rabbi about another family situation similar to
yours, he made the comment that the children become neither fish nor fowl.
If you make no choice yourself, your children will probably adopt society's
lowest common denominator. Without much formal religious training, that would
make them weak Protestants -- or possibly luke-warm agnostics like their
father. Your children are unlikely to adopt a Jewish identity without formal
Jewish training.

I think it is better for the parents to make a choice for the children. Even
if you decide not to raise them as Jews, at least they'll be able to answer
the question "what are you?" with something other than a shrug of the
shoulders.

Dave

    re: .5:
    
    I agree with your rabbi, actually, but my husband does not.  Fred 
    (husband) is leaning further toward atheism, and is as firm
    about not stuffing religion down our son's throat unless he chooses to
    believe as I am about not stuffing the Santa Claus myth into his head... 
    
    Despite Fred's wishy-washy attitude toward his personal worship, he is very 
    proud of his heritage.  We haven't yet had serious argument about this, 
    but my husband is as firm in his resolve to expose Joseph (our son) to
    Christianity as I am regarding Judaism.  However, he is talking
    exposure, not actual practice, from what I can gather.  I cannot see
    Fred getting up on Sunday to take Joe to church!  
    
    I am leaning toward a return to religious practice for both 
    my own and my son's sake, but I am sure that my husband would object  
    if I were to single out my heritage to the exclusion of his.  Even 
    though he is less than willing to start attending church with Joe, 
    he would feel that I was forcing Joe to Judaism.  He (my husband) seems
    to feel that, if we personally educate Joe and let him know that Mommy
    and Daddy have different beliefs, the child will automatically make a
    decision that suits him.  Not a reasonable attitude, I know, but who
    said people were reasonable creatures?  I, of course, do not agree.  
    I support the idea that he know that *I* am Jewish, Daddy is *not*,
    and that he be formally trained in at least one faith, while being 
    "exposed" to the other.  
    
    (i.e., perhaps practice Judaism, go to Hebrew School, but attend church
    once a month or more with Dad...)  A *possible* compromise might
    be Messianic Judaism, which *might* be a start we could agree on. 
    There are two such synagogues near our home, but I, personally, find
    the Messianic concept (from what I gather about it) to be a contradiction
    in terms, so we'd have to get past that hurdle first.
    
    Anyway, we are just beginning to wrestle with this issue now, and Joe
    is still only 2 1/2, so we've got some time (six months to a year, I'd
    say, before he could sit still long enough to even dare taking him to
    family services...) to make concrete decisions.
    
    Thanks for the input, though!  Further ideas/input are also welcome.
                                                                

re .6:

You certainly have a difficult problem to deal with, and I can't say that I
know the best way (or even a good way) to solve it.

But please, please *don't* select Messianic Judaism as a "compromise".  Your
son may end up considering himself Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Shinto,
atheist, agnostic, or something else; in the end, it'll be his own decision.
But Messianic Judaism is simply a sect of Christianity that calls itself
Judaism, and you owe it to your son not to present that kind of intellectual
dishonesty as a valid religious alternative.

I live in Sudbury, Ma. (borders on Maynard). In my town I am aware of quite
a few mixed marriages. In every case where the Jewish partner is the woman,
the children are brought up Jewish. Where the partner is the man, the children
are brought up "both" (i.e. neither). I find it eerie. I conclude that it is
"normal" for the wife's position to prevail.

I have examples of mixed marriages within my own family and these also
follow this pattern.

You may need help solving your problem. I am certain that any intelligent
rabbi in your neighborhood has seen countless marriages such as yours and
can offer some helpful advice.

Dave

re: .5

> I think it is better for the parents to make a choice for the children. Even
> if you decide not to raise them as Jews, at least they'll be able to answer
> the question "what are you?" with something other than a shrug of the
> shoulders.

Boy do I agree with this.  My brother married a non-Jewish woman and we had
long hours of discussion on these issues before he did.  He keeps saying that
they will raise the children with neither and let her/him make up his/her
own mind later.  My reply is always - "based on what?".  I would rather see
his children raised with a good Christian foundation than with nothing for 
roots.  They don't have children yet, so it remains something we talk about
quite often...

Waky

    re: .7:
    
    I agree that Messianic Judaism is a contradiction in terms; it is not a
    concept that I can wholeheartedly or even partially accept.  However, I
    would rather swallow my own personal objections and deal with the
    concept than have my son grow up with no religious affiliation
    whatsoever because Mommy and Daddy couldn't find a stule of worship
    acceptable to both.
    
    In the long run, however, I do not think this will be a realistic
    solution, because my husband is no more likely to feel comfortable
    observing Pesach and Yom Kippur than I am to accept celebrating
    Christmas and Easter...
    
    Just between you, me, and the entire EasyNet, my hope is that, over the
    next few months, I can reason with him a bit and make him feel more
    comfortable with our son's learning his religion from me, since I have
    some conviction about it and Daddy has little or none...I can accept
    raising our son with the knowledge that Mommy is Jewish, Daddy isn't,
    and that's why he doesn't go to temple or eat kosher during Shabbus and
    Pesach, and I think my son will be able to accept this, too.
    
    re:  .8 and .9:
    
    The whole idea behind posting this note was a (vain?) hope that some of
    those intermarried couples might be on this conference, and that I
    could perhaps benefit from their experiences.  I agree that it is eerie
    that the female of the Jewish faith feels so impelled to raise her
    children in bosom of her own traditions, but the proud male feels no
    such drive.  However, as eerie as it is, it does not surprise me, at
    least not in this day and age.  I do, however, have a (much) older
    cousin whose 196_ (? can't remember exactly) marriage to a *Catholic*
    drove my entire family batty (especially my Orthodox grandparents, who
    always called my Reform mother their "shikse daughter-in-law")...in the
    end, Judy converted and made everyone else in the family look like
    closet Christians!
    
    
    

    I am reading my own note at home, and I see that I have said some
    things about reasoning with my husband that make it sound as though I
    am determined to have it all my own way and feel the problem is best
    solved that way.  This is not at all what I meant to say.  My real
    intention was to say that I certainly hope that the solution I consider
    logical will prevail, but I don't really think it will happen...at
    least not easily.  Stubborn runs mightily through my husband's genetic
    structure...
    
    Anyway, the more I "study" the problem, the more I lean toward doing
    whatever I feel is best for me, and working to make the rest fall into
    place later.  I am currently on the trail of a comfortable congregation
    in the Irvine, CA area...what happens from here remains to be seen.
    
    If there are *any* Bagelers out there with first hand experience in
    such a "conflict" of religious/tradition interests, please, be silent
    no more...come forth and tell me your story!  If you are disinclined to
    hang the laundry on the conference, please feel free to VAXmail me!
    I really would like to hear from someone who is having/has had to deal
    with such a conflict.  I don't want to step on any toes, I just want
    what *I* think is best for my child!
    
    M.
    
    

    While I can't give first-hand experiences that correlate exactly with
    yours (my wife was not Jewish when we married but she converted and our
    children, 10 and 7, have a strong Jewish identity), I can relay some
    information that is closely second-hand.
    
    When my sister married, she and her non-Jewish husband agreed that 
    any children would be exposed to both Judaism and Christianity (he is a
    nonpracticing Protestant) and would be free to decide later in life. 
    It soon became clear to both of them (when Lea was about 4 years old)
    that this idea sounded fine in theory but didn't hack it in real life. 
    
    It is unreasonable (unconscionable?) to expect a child on the
    playground, in preschool, in elementary school, or anywhere to be able
    to cope with the "What are you?" question on his/her own.  All the
    child wants is a simple, straight answer, not only to give to friends
    but also for him/herself.
    
    Rita (my sister) soon realized that she really wanted Lea to have an
    identity and that she wanted it to be a Jewish identity.  That does not
    mean that Lea cannot or does not get exposure to other religions. 
    Learning is learning and should always be encouraged.  Jay was not
    thrilled with the idea but was not obstructionist.  He just chose not
    to participate.  Despite the fact that Rita is the breadwinner (she's a
    professor) and Jay is a househusband (which works just fine for them)
    and usually does most of the kid-schlepping, Rita takes Lea to Sunday
    School, to Hebrew School, to Bat Mitzvah lessons, etc.
    
    Lea is very happy being raised Jewish (we are travelling to Ohio in
    July for her Bat Mitzvah) and equally happy visiting her paternal
    grandparents at Christmas time.  She is by no means ignorant of her
    father's beliefs or uncomfortable being Jewish in her grandparents'
    home during Christian holidays.
    
    The bottom line, I believe, is that children need an identity and it is
    the responsibility of the parents to provide for that.  A well-educated
    and well-informed child still has the ability to choose a different way
    when older.
    
    Sid

    What's so horrible about not having a religious identity?
    
    I remember the "what are you" question, but I don't remember
    feeling bad that I (a third-generation non-believer) didn't
    have a standard label.  I remember thinking a lot of the
    askers were ignorant--and they still are: when I was 27, a
    PhD in computer science told me that since I didn't have a
    religion, I wasn't covered by the Constitution's right to
    freedom of religion, and should not have the right to vote!
    
    I think the most important thing a child of a mixed marriage
    can learn is that adults can disagree with eachother on 
    issues which are basic and important, and still find ways to
    live together.  Of course, sometimes they can't!
    
    		-John Bishop

>    I remember the "what are you" question, but I don't remember
>    feeling bad that I (a third-generation non-believer) didn't
>    have a standard label.  I remember thinking a lot of the
>    askers were ignorant--and they still are: when I was 27, a
    
    When you were 3?  4?  5?  I'm not talking about when you're 27, and
    neither is the base noter.  Also, things have changed.  This is the
    90s, not the 50s.  Life is different for small children these days.
    
    Sid

    I understand that the book "Mixed Blessings: marriages between Jews and
    Christians" is a good discussion of some of the issues raised here. 
    The authors, Rachel and Paul Cowan, formed such a mixed marriage. 
    Rachel Cowan is a Reform rabbi and a columnist with "Moment" magazine. 
    Her most recent column also discusses interfaith marriage.
    
    John

    re: .13 (John) and .14 (me)
    
    I don't want to drag this topic down a rathole.  I do believe that
    identity is germane to the question asked by the basenoter but that
    debating it is not what she wanted.  I'm sure she can decide that for
    herself.  My only intent was to present anecdotal information (that is
    what she asked for) and the reasoning/conclusions resulting from that
    specific situation.
    
    Sid

    I am somewhat disturbed by the few notes that indicated that, for one
    reason or another, the mother's viewpoint seemed to win... maybe this
    was just in cases where it was the mother who was Jewish?
    
    I'm Jewish, and my wife is Roman Catholic. She is a solidly practicing
    Catholic with her own mind about things (that is, Church dogma gets
    tossed right in the trash can where it belongs, if that is what she
    evaluates any particular proclamation to be), and I am a just-about-
    agnostic Jew, becoming more interested in religion as I grow older.
    
    We're not looking to have children for about another seven years, but
    this topic is one that we had begun discussing before I had even 
    proposed to her, so I am most interested in the topic.
    
    To the original poster, a tiny piece of advice from my own marriage:
    don't hide anything, don't run roughshod over the other person or over
    their part in the marriage/child_raising. What you'll end up with is
    probably a messy divorce and an even more confused child.
    
    My wife and I currently are agreed on raising children Jewish for the
    purpose of giving them one particular identity, because we also believe
    that until they are much older they will not be able to understand
    the choices, and that once they get older, nothing we do could possibly
    keep them from making their own choice (which is fine by us).
    
    Best wishes to all in this situation, and I look forward to following
    this discussion for what wisdom it can bring.
    
    -Jay Vassos-Libove
     Detroit ACT/ULTRIX Resource Center
    

I'll admit that in cases of mixed marriage I'm going to be biased in favor
of the Jewish partner. I can't help it and I'm not sure that that's wrong
anyway. However, I tried to make my postings as neutral as I could while
providing what support I could for the poster of .0. The point I was trying
to make is that 1) Halacha (Jewish law) states that a person is Jewish by
birth if the mother is Jewish and that 2) this works out in practice even in
mixed marriages where the mother is only minimally observant. I am impressed
how the law and real-world experience are in agreement.

The Reform movement would like to change the law so that a person with a
Jewish father would be considered Jewish. This is anathema to the
Orthodox movement and the whole issue threatens to split Judaism. In your
case Jay, your children could be raised Jewish and participate in a Reform
Congregation but if they wanted to become Orthodox, the rabbi would require
a Halachic conversion (including some form of ceremonial circumcision for
the males). I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.

I have one parting thought on the issue of religious training for the children.
Living in a Christian society, it would be easy for the children of mixed
marriages to choose Christianity without any Christian training whatever.
Not so about Judaism.

Dave

    Well, this topic is finally getting *good*!  
    
    re:  .12, .13, and .17, respectively
    
    .12:  Thanks for the story; since it involves a real child in a
    real situation, I find it most helpful.  It is ultimately my hope to
    settle this question in this way, too.  However, at this time, I am still
    wrestling with my husband's doubts about surrenduring all religious 
    training to me & my faith, as well as my own personal bete-noire about
    excluding my husband from this aspect of child-rearing.
    
    .13:  I am glad that your were so secure in your childhood. 
    Unfortunately, *most* children are natural conformers; they need to 
    feel they fit in, and are uncomfortable with being different in any way. 
    
    I personally can very clearly remember being a long stretch of
    discomfort about our not belonging to a temple (widowed mom with 
    plenty of pride but not much money...).  I was thirteen or so at the time, 
    and all of my friends were having bat mitvahs or their various
    Christian equivalents.  Even though I sat there munching chopped liver
    and egg salad on matzoh at Pesach, I felt very un-Jewish and 
    perceived that I was "different" from the others in "yet another way"...
    
    .17, As mentioned above, I try very hard not to ride roughshod 
    on my hubby's feelings, parental rights, or anything else, which is 
    why I posted the base note in the first place...to ask other opinions on 
    how to raise our child without either of us feeling deprived of 
    parental input!  
    
    Finally, for all of you who have read, responded, or not, it is not 
    the identity question is really only a secondary or tertiary concern
    for me.  In point of fact, with so many double-working-parent
    families here in SoCal, religious worship is often one obligation too
    many for the parents, leaving large numbers of children who have no 
    specific religious affiliation, I am not so sure that, identity-wise, a
    seriously-observant Jew, Christian, Bahai, or whaterver, might not feel
    as square-pegged as those of use who were *not* observant felt in *our*
    time!
    
    My intention in trying to provide a religious background for my child
    is three-fold, and based entirely on opinion, not facts or stats (and
    you thought DECcies *lived* by statistics...).  
    
    1)  Faith is an important cushion for a child, protecting him/her from 
    the bumps and bruises of adolescence, the nightly news, the school
    playground, etc.; and, even the happiest home life is troubled at
    times...  
    
    2)  Religion and its formal training complete a well-rounded 
    education, providing something which is often neglected in academia.
    Learning of the religious persecutions so many have suffered, a child 
    should be less inclined to practice bigotry.   While this nation's
    academia trains our children to be readers, writers, and thinkers,
    it is our religions which teach them to be *people*.  The lessons of 
    religion, learned well in childhood, provide the base of operation for
    the rest of our lives -- honesty, goodness, generosity, morality, hope,
    strength of character.   
    
    3)  Religious activity offers a child his best opportunity for beneficial 
    social interaction with peers and elders.  Many a "religious" adolescent 
    or teen works on a bake sale, attends a temple or church dance, 
    or goes to a youth group meeting while his or her non-religious peers 
    might be out on the streets or at unsupervised parties, testing out drugs,
    alcohol, sex, and crime.  
    
    Can I get down off my soap box now?  Phew...this is an *exhausting*
    subject!  Anyway, more thoughts are *still* welcome, people, and thank
    you all for responding to me.
    
    M. 
    

    RE: .19
    
    Since I don't know you, these comments are really generic.
    
    When you write about "trying to provide a religious background for my
    child" it strikes me that the first task is to provide a religious
    background foll r yourself.  By that, I mean determining in your own mind
    what Judaism means in your own life.  Formal training can provide
    specific skills, but children look at what you do, not what you say. 
    If your children see that this is something that is important in your
    life, they will take it seriously, but if they perceive it as something
    they have to do because you think it is good for them, it may seem to
    them to be so much broccoli.
    
    Obviously there is something important to you, or else you would not
    have started this note, and I do not meant to imply otherwise, just to
    raise the question of how far you have gotten in thinking it through.
    (BTW, not only is there no one `correct' answer' but the answer keeps
    changing :^)
    
    Aaron

    re: .20
    
    You make a very valid point, Aaron, and I don't disagree with you at
    all.  I guess I haven't made myself very clear on this, i.e., my
    position.  Whether or not my hubby and I eventually agree to raise Joe
    in Jewish tradition, I *will* be returning to religious practice in the
    next few months (no, it isn't a New Year's Resolution...), as soon as I
    find a congregation with which I feel comfortable.  If Fred (hubby) and
    I are unable to come to an agreement *at this time*, that isn't going
    to stop *me* from worshipping as *I* choose.
    
    My belief in G_d is firm, and I am strongly connected to my heritage
    through Judaism, as well.  The fact that I have not attended temple 
    since I was young does not mean I do not believe.  During most of my life
    there have been availability and monetary issues blocking temple
    membership.
    
    Basically, I feel that my religious background is already in place.  I
    have a religion which I love, one which was both inherited and chosen.  
    My son has only his inheritance, but without *some* religious
    education, it will be for naught.  Since I did not have much formal
    training, I will have some work to do to keep up with my boy, no doubt,
    but I already have a good "sense" for my religion.  It is my hope that,
    as one who is newly returned with much to learn, my enthusiasm will 
    help Joe to better revel in Judaism himself.
    
    We shall see, won't we?
    
    M.  

    If you are religious and active, and your husband is not
    interested and unactive, I think it's pretty clear that your
    son will feel that Judaism is the only religion in his background.
    
    My ability to field the "what are you" question as a child is 
    probably due to the fact that my parents were non-believers
    rather than apathetic--I knew what the issue was, and what
    my family's position on that issue was.  In a real sense, I
    was keeping up the family tradition, and so felt there was
    support behind me.
    
    It's also true that I was a bookish kid with glasses and good
    grades, so that I was already in the out-group and thus had little
    to lose by being different.
    
    On the other hand, the question did not come up very often--less
    than once a year, I'd guess.
    
    			-John Bishop

    In the US today, being religious often means "going to ____" - fill in
    church, synagogue, whatever.  Being Jewish is much more encompassing
    than organizational affiliation alone.  Much of it is based in the
    home.  It includes diverse aspects including (not limited to) moral and
    interpersonal behavior, food, celebration of Pesach Seder, Shabbat, and
    other holidays, books, mezzuzot, and much more.
    
    So, that makes your task easier, and harder.  There are lots of ways to
    bring Judaism into your lives, such as reading and owning Jewish books,
    putting mezzuzot on the doors, preparing holiday and Shabbat foods and
    including them in rituals such as Kiddush or Seder, lighting Shabbat
    candles, even buying Jewish toys such as Hebrew-letter blocks.  These
    are all tactile things that kids love and remember from infancy.
    
    If you only light Friday night candles you will maintain at least that
    slim but strong link with heritage.  If you get and read a book on
    practical Judaism, that will give you good ideas.  If you do a Friday
    night kiddush (blessing of wine), give your child a tiny sip to share
    the sweetness of Shabbat.  Let your child help prepare Jewish foods
    such as challah.  You can start any time.  You don't have to be
    orthodox to benefit from the information provided by the local
    Lubovitcher.  They have brochures such as how to light candles, and are
    very supportive.  I'm not orthodox myself but have gotten benefit from
    their teachings.  
    
    Going to Temple without Judaism in the home will not of your child a
    practicing Jew make.  I saw this too much growing up.  There are so
    many sweet things to share, and if you introduce them gently, hopefully
    your husband won't mind.  Personally, my earliest memories are of
    making the Passover seder plate, tasting the charoses and horseradish,
    wondering at the egg and bone, preparing the salt water all by myself. 
    And today, Passover has such great power for me.  My adult intellectual
    knowledge is built on the foundation of my childhood experiences. 
    Think of the impact of home Chirstmas trees and Easter eggs.  Then find
    such delightful and meaningful practices in Judaism.
    
    Good luck,
    Laura
    

I know this is a bit late, but perhaps still relevant:

I'm married to a non-Jewish man and have an 8� year old son, plus "one on the
way".  We've had the same discussions as you and your husband, but we were
able to come to a decision that so far seems to be working out great.

First, a little background:
My husband was raised Congregational (Protestant), in Maine, Sunday School
every week (even won awards for perfect attendence).  As an adult, his
views on religion are sketchy at best.  He still considers himself
Christian, although hasn't been to church in a bazillion years.  When he's
described his beliefs, they're more Atheistic than Christian, but he likes
the label.

I was raised in NYC with little formal training in the Jewish traditions. 
My mother's family was very reform.  Mom decided at one point that she no
longer believed in organizied religion, and removed my sister and me from
Hebrew School. I still always identified with being Jewish, although felt a
bit lost without the formal knowledge and experiences.

Where my son is concerned, Bryan and I spoke about whether to raise him
Christian or Jewish - at the time I felt either would be ok, but, from my
own experience,  that it was important to give him roots - an identity.
Bryan didn't want to get involved with going to church and reinforcing
Christian beliefs in Sean, so we decided to raise him Jewish with me being
the primary parent involved.

Opinion:  The problem with raising a child in both religions is that it
becomes very confusing.  Christians believe in Jesus, Jews don't even
acknowledge his existence, just for starters.

So, we joined a reform temple and enrolled Sean in the school there (and
you can bet he's the only "Sean" there!)

The truely bright side to our decision is that although Bryan has no
intention of converting, he participates with me and Sean at temple events
and services, and is very supportive.  Helping his family to understand has
been slow, more so because they don't ask about it (their Maine way of
communicating - they are quite curious, just afraid to ask).  But we are
making headway in that area.  We celebrate all the major Jewish holidays
-and again Bryan participates, but as a supporter not as a Jew.  Our first
Passover seder was shaky at best, but we muddled through!.  We also go to
my in-laws for Christmas and celebrate with them. 

I've never asked my husband to convert or to give up the traditions he grew
up with and enjoys (mostly Christmas, including having a tree), just as he
wouldn't ask me to give up my menorah at Chanukah or Passover seder.  We
seem to have been able to manage both quite well and without conflict,
although I know many bagelers will scoff at the notion of an Xmas tree in a
"Jewish home".  Ours is a 2-tradition home, with Sean and me (and Jr. on the
way) being Jewish, and Bryan being his brand of Christian.  We support
and participate with eachother, while keeping our own identities.

Other replies have stressed the importance of providing your children with
roots - a foundation upon which to make a choice.  I can't agree more.
Without something to compare other ideas and ideals to, how can they
possibly make a decision as important as this?  They are always free to
change their religion, as many people do, when they grow up.

It is important, too, in our very mixed culture, to expose children to as
many different ways of life as possible.  Not necessarily, in my opinion,
so they can have a pool to choose from, but so they can appreciate the
differences.  I am reminded of how important this is every time Bryan
discovers something new about what it means to be Jewish -I am the first
Jewish person he ever knew - and he was 32 when we met!!  

So my story has a happy ending, as I hope yours will too.

As a side note, I do know of a family, a Jewish man who married an ex-nun.
They're raising their son Jewish and their daughter Catholic.  Certainly an
alternative for the more-than-one-child home, but how will these kids ever
relate to eachother as siblings??

Good luck in whatever you decide.

-Caryn

    Very Late Update....
    
    We have agreed that, pending our son's own wishes at a more mature age,
    I am free to raise him in my faith.  Consequently, we did full Passover
    Seder last year, as well as the High Holidays last fall, and a
    mini-Channukah, too.  I have not yet begun any kind of formal 
    training, as he is just getting used to pre-school...religious
    school might be too much.  He is beginning to understand the concept of
    God, as well, but I had not realized how much he had been absorbing...
    
    
    My son is almost 4 now, and Passover is approaching.  My mother
    and I were discussing buying Pesach food this morning, and my son
    seemed completely unconcerned at first.  However, as we were leaving
    the house he inquired, "What's Passover, Mommy?", to which I responded
    as simply as possible.  "It's a religious holiday for Jewish people,
    and since Mommy and Nana are Jewish, we will be celebrating it."  He
    thought a moment, and then said, "Me, too...I'm Jewish, aren't I,
    Mommy?".  I responded that he was, and he thought a moment more, and
    commented, "But not Daddy, he's not Jewish."  I agreed with him, and
    explained that it was o.k. for Daddy not to be Jewish, that he had his
    own religion that he likes better.  He didn't seem to have any trouble
    with that...
    
    Well, the education phase begins...
    
    M.