Conference taveng::bagels

95.0. "News from The Jewish Aggravate" by DELNI::GOLDSTEIN (Fred @226-7388) Thu Mar 27 1986 18:25

    REFORM RULING STUNS GLOBE -- JEWISH POP. TOPS 3 BILLION
    
    Special to the Aggravate
    New York -- The Union of American Hebrew Congregations (Reform)
    today unanimously passed a joint resolution branding as Jewish any
    person of "duo-linear descent".  Under the ruling, any offspring
    of two parents is considered to be of the Jewish faith.
    
    For the previous 5000 or so years, Judaism recognized only those
    individuals with Jewish mothers.  The ruling means America is now
    one of many Jewish countries.  "I guess I'll have to start saying,
    'Win this one for the Kuppur', quipped President Ronald ("Shloimey")
    Reagan.  The First Lady, Reagan said, is already out buying a second
    set of dishes.
    
    Aside from changing the nation's eating habits, the ruling will
    have some deeper effects.  "Guilt will certainly increase, possibly
    by as much as 100%", predicts Dr. Joyce Brothers, a nted psychologist
    and "Match Game" regular.  "By the way, shalom.  That means 'peace',
    doesn't it?"
    
    It could take some time for individuals used to other faiths to
    adjust to the change.  "Don't get me wrong, the ancient Hebrews
    were a dynamic people.  I find that I, like them, cannot pass a
    delicatessen without feeling a certain angst," commented William
    F. Buckley Jr., formerly a quintessential WASP.  "By the way, shalom.
    That means 'hello', doesn't it?"
    
    The decision comes as good tidings for many.  "This means Mr. Nixon
    won't be able to turn down another Seder invitation from me," gushed
    Henry Kissinger.  And pop star Lionel Richie is planning to assemble
    a new galaxy of stars to perform his new song, "We are the World,
    Kenahora".
    
    Both Brandeis University's recruitment office and Bloomingdale's
    credit department report that applications have been soaring.  "With
    all those chicken livers and noodle kugels that are going to be
    consumed, we'll be selling by the six-pack," boasts a spokesman
    for Alka-Seltzer Inc.
    
    Other marketing changes are also coming because of the sudden
    demographic shift.  NBC, for instance, is revamping one of its hit
    shows and changing it to "Miami Weiss".  "From now on, we'll be
    portraying the doings of an elderly Jewish couple that plays
    shuffleboard by day and deals coke at night", gushed Don Johnson,
    who will play "Sadie".  "Part of our appeal is that we look so
    innocent, as if we were handing them a nice plate of chicken."
    
    Internationally, responses have varied.  Soviet General Secretary
    Mikhail Gorbachev quickly exiled the entire country to a labor camp
    in Siberia.  The pope as merely streteched his wardrobe allowance.
    This saturday, he will hold a minyan in St. Peter's square.  "My
    new outfit isn't exactly chopped liver, you know," he said, in
    announcing his plans.  "By the way, shalom.  That means 'goodbye',
    doesn't it?"
    
    -- "The Jewish Aggravate" Shicker Purim 5746 edition
    from The Jewish Advocate, Boston, March 20, 1986.

    My Fred, we seemed to have found a battlefield in this notesfile.
    I can say that I found your note quite amusing, but is your point
    one of "reform-bashing", or just humor alone?
    
    D.C.

    
    
    	Either way, I am loosing it here 8-}
    
    

    Re 0
    
    Couldn't you wait till Tuesday to post this?
    
    			Fred
    

    
    
    	No fools here !
    
    

    I should have posted it earlier, but I only got a hold of it last
    Friday and was away until Wednesday.  On Thursday I remembered to
    bring it in.
    
    Re:.1, No, the point is not reform-bashing.  It's just a joke. 
    The Jewish Advocate does a whole page like that.  There's the record
    review "Dylan goes Hasidic", one on "Independence Day at Newton Mall",
    a TV guide on shows like "Beth Elsewhere" and "The Fall Goy", etc.

    Being reform myself, I recognized the implications of the lead story,
    but it was still one of the funniest things I've read in a long
    time.  I didn't take offense.  (BTW the Advocate is not a boring
    puff-paper; the same issue, for instance, featured an interview
    with the Arab League's Clovis Maksoud.)

    
    
    Fred,
    
    I've been a Dylan freak for years and 'Tangled..' always on top,
    what is Tangled up in jews, Is it a record or lyrics, please let
    me know.  I'm real interested.
    
    Thanks,
    
    Bruce
    

    
    
    	In all seriousness, Dyaln has somewhat returned
    	to his Jewish 'roots' if you will.  He has been
    	practicing wearing T'filin (A leather wrapping)
    	and has been attending Orthodox services regularly.
    
    	Kunta Kintae
    

    re:.6,
    "Tangled up in Jews" was the alleged title of the new Dylan album
    reviewed in the "Dylan Goes Hasidic" story, a record review, in
    "The Jewish Aggravate".  It was, of course, as spurious as everything
    else on the page.  There were allusions to other such songs, too.
    
    Funny how Purim comes so close to April 1...