Conference taveng::bagels

94.0. "the non-Jewish parent" by KATIE::RICHARDSON () Thu Mar 27 1986 15:19

    Some thoughts in response to the latest halachic newsletter
    distribution (and thanks for putting them in this file; I am enjoying
    reading them, and I am probably not the only one):
    
    The view of most reform rabbis on the subject of non-Jewish parents
    of converted Jews is that the commandment to honor your father and
    mother takes precedence.  Thus, if the survivor feels that it is
    an appropriate way to honor the memory of the parent, it is appropriate
    to sit shiva, observe yahrzeits, etc.  If the parent would not have
    felt this was appropriate (perhaps because he/she opposed the
    conversion or was not a religious person), then it is not appropriate.
    
    Mourning is an obviously touchy subject at any time and under any
    circumstances, but disallowing customs that ease the pain and honor
    the memories of our parents does not help anyone and does not make
    life any easier for the Jew-by-choice, who cannot be realistically
    expected to not honor his/her parents, whatever their religious
    and ethnic background may have been, whatever they may have been
    told about being "reborn" at the mikveh.
    
    Of course, the reform perspective on the whole subject of mourning
    is somewhat different than other branches of Judaism.  In our schul,
    almost everyone routinely says kaddish, on the theory that there
    are many people whose memories are only honored in this way because
    entire families were wiped out.  Some people used to criticize us
    for sneaking out during yizker services (before my father died;
    now we BOTH stay), whereas at the schul where Paul grew up we would
    have been criticized for not leaving.  I just didn't feel right
    about staying during yizker; I guess it depends on one's background.
    
    /Charlotte (Gevorah Tamar)