| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 10.1 | | CADCAM::MAHLER | | Mon Jan 20 1986 14:46 | 636 |
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 23-AUG-1985 12:44
Note 10.0 -< Jewish Humor >- 26 responses
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How about a little Jewish humor? I have a small collection of Jewish
jokes that I would like to post here from time. My personal feeling is
that these jokes, told under the proper circumstances, are not
offensive. If you have any jokes you would like to add please do so. If
you find them offensive, start another note and we can discuss it.
Shalom,
Fred
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 23-AUG-1985 12:44
Note 10.1 -< Jewish Humor >- 1 of 26
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** Jewish Revenge **
Abe was on his deathbed, the pallor of eternal rest already on his face.
Jake, his bussiness partner, hovered over him.
"Jake, I have a terrible confession to make," Abe said weakly. "I repent
for my sins-truly, I'm sorry."
"What could you have done that was so bad?"
"Remember when someone robbed our company of $75,000 while you were on
vacation? It was I who took the money."
"That's all right," soothed Jake. "This is no time to think of things
like that."
"And when you created that new pattern that would have put us ahead of every
other garment maker in the country, it was I who stole the drawings and sold
them to our competitor before our own company could get it on the market."
"Shah! Shah! Try to rest," crooned Jake.
"And that time a private detective caught you in that hotel with our head
model-it was I who tipped off your wife so she could get evidence for the
divorce." Abe was now sobbing with remorse. "Oh, Jake, please forgive
me before I die!"
"What's to forgive?" answered Jake. "Who do you think poisoned you!"
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 29-AUG-1985 13:32
Note 10.2 -< Jewish Humor >- 2 of 26
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The typical Jewish mother confronted with her daughter's sudden elopement:
Rosie telephones her house with some breathtaking news:
"Mama, I got married."
"Mazel Tov!"
"I might as well tell you, he's a goy."
"So he's a goy! I'm prejudiced?"
"But, Mama, he's also a Negro."
"All right, he's a schvartzeh. By me everybody should be tolerant."
"Well, frankly, Mama, he's unemployed."
"Nu, so you'll support him. A wife, she should help her husband."
"But, Mama, we have no place to live."
"Don't worry, Rosie darling. You'll stay right here in our house."
"But you only have one bedroom."
"That's all right. You and your new husband can sleep in the bedroom and
Papa can sleep on the sofa in the living room."
"Yes, but, Mama, where will you sleep?"
"Rosie dear, about me you got nothing to worry. The minute I'm hanging up
I'll drop dead!"
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 30-AUG-1985 12:46
Note 10.3 -< Jewish Humor >- 3 of 26
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An ancient and hallowed tale goes back to about 100 b.c.e., when Jerusalem
was held captive by the mighty Roman Empire:
Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for admittance. The
great doors slowly swung open and the patriarch Abraham stepped out, blowing
his golden trumpet. When he finished the welcoming concerto, he addressed
Eleazer:
"Greetings, blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh. G-D awaits you."
Eleazer, naturally enough, was overawed by the splendor of this welcome, but
he quickly gathered his wits. "Father Abraham," he said boldly, "I am ready
to meet our G-D."
Eleazer stepped forward to enter the celestial portals, but patriarch Abraham
halted him with an imperious, upflung palm. "Wait, my brother! Before you
enter G-D's kingdom, you must be worthy of the honor."
"How can I prove my worthiness?"
"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed
outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"
Eleazer's face brightened. "Yes, I can. I remember once I went to the Roman
Consul's palace and I met him face to face. He was surrounded by dozens of
legionnaires, all of them armed to the teeth, but I simply ignored them. I
told him that he was a camel's behind, a vulture feeding on the bones of
Jerusalem's oppressed people and a persecutor of Jews.Then I spat in his face."
Abraham was immensely impressed. "I must agree, that was an extremely brave
thing to do-considering all the armed guards who were present, and knowing
of the Roman Consul's hatred for the Jews. Yes, my brother, you certainly
have earned admittance into Paradise, but tell me, when did all this happen?"
"Oh", replied Eleazer casually, "about three or four minutes ago."
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 3-SEP-1985 08:17
Note 10.4 -< Jewish Humor >- 4 of 26
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A Mohammedan emigrated to America sixty years ago and accumulated great
wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred-
million-dollar bequest was to be divided equally among his three closest
friends; a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small
provision: each of the heirs was required to deposit one hundred dollars
in the coffin before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according
to the deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the will
was in probate.
As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly
deposited his hundred dollars inside the casket. The Protestant followed
suit and placed his hundred dollars beside the Catholic's money. Then the
Jew reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred dollars and replaced
it with a check for three hundred.
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 4-SEP-1985 12:46
Note 10.5 -< Jewish Humor >- 5 of 26
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The early telephones were primitive devices compared to the sophisticated
electronic devices of today. Especially crude were the phones in a little
town in Belgrade at the turn of the century.
It is told that Rabbi Gronsky was called to the house of a critically sick
man who died within minutes of the good rabbi's arrival. It befell him to
inform the deceased's relatives, but he was at a loss as to how to use the
telephone. He asked one of those present how to operate it.
"First you crank the handle with one hand," he was told. "Then you hold the
phone close to your ear with the other hand."
"What!" cried Rabbi Gronsky. "Then what will I talk with?"
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TAV02::ROSENMAN The Chosen Ones... 5-SEP-1985 02:58
Note 10.6 -< Jewish Humor >- 6 of 26
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A riddle-
What's red,hangs on a wall,and whistles?
Answer- A herring.
But wait a herring is not red...so you can paint it red.
And a herring doesn't hang on the wall...so you can hang it up.
But it doesn't whistle...so you want everything!
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TAV02::ROSENMAN The Chosen Ones... 5-SEP-1985 03:00
Note 10.7 -< Jewish Humor >- 7 of 26
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Do you know about the new Jewish disease MAIDS?
Without one you die.
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BZERKR::THOMPSON The Chosen Ones... 5-SEP-1985 10:02
Note 10.8 -< Jewish Humor >- 8 of 26
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RE: .7 Forgive a poor goy, but I don't get it.
Alfred
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CADET::MAHLER The Chosen Ones... 5-SEP-1985 10:18
Note 10.9 -< Jewish Humor >- 9 of 26
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Sounds like a Lawn-Guy_land based joke to me !! (Five -towns to be sure.)
Mike
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 5-SEP-1985 12:43
Note 10.10 -< Jewish Humor >- 10 of 26
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What does a JAP make for dinner?
Reservations!
*******************************************************************
How many JAPs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Mama will do it for me."
*******************************************************************
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "I can sit in the dark."
*******************************************************************
[WARNING - THIS JOKE MAY BE CONSIDERED VULGAR]
What is the difference between a JAP and a bowl of jello?
The jello wiggles when you eat it!!!
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CADCAM::MAHLER The Chosen Ones... 5-SEP-1985 12:53
Note 10.11 -< Jewish Humor >- 11 of 26
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How do you know when a JAP is having an orgasm ?
She drops her emory board.
What's a JAP's favorite wine ?
I wanna go to Florida.
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 6-SEP-1985 08:12
Note 10.12 -< Jewish Humor >- 12 of 26
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Sammy had joined the Catholic Church on the condition that he would henceforth
obey all the laws governing Catholicism.
"Remember," warned the priest, "you are forbidden to eat meat on Fridays."
"OK, I'll remember," Sammy promised.
But the priest had reservations about the new convert, so on the following
Friday he paid a unannounced visit to the man's house. As he had somehow
guessed, the former Jew was consuming a huge steak.
"This is disgraceful!" cried the indignant priest. "Didn't you promise to
abstain from eating meat on Fridays?"
"Meat? Who's eating meat?" answered the other blandly."This is gefilteh fish."
"You must take me for a fool!" snapped the outraged priest. "How can anyone
make fish out of meat?"
"The same way you made a Catholic out of a Jew,"answered the convert smoothly.
"I sprinkled water on it!"
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DUBSWS::D_OSULLIVAN The Chosen Ones... 6-SEP-1985 09:31
Note 10.13 -< Jewish Humor >- 13 of 26
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This is in a similiar vein to .4...
A protestant vicar, a catholic priest and a jewish rabbi are
sitting together exchanging information on how they divide their
collection money between themselves and God.
The vicar: "I simply count up the money and divide it by 2; one
half for myself and the other for God."
The priest: "I draw a line down the center of the floor and throw
the money over it; what's on the left is for myself and what's on
the right is for God."
The rabbi: "I take the money and throw it up in the air; what
stays up is God's and what comes down is mine."
/Dermot
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 9-SEP-1985 11:34
Note 10.14 -< Jewish Humor >- 14 of 26
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A bearded Jew, attired in old-fashion garb, had some personal business which
required that he leave his ghetto neighborhood. That afternoon he found
himself in an exclusive area of New York's "silk stocking" district.
Feeling hungry, he entered a posh restaurant, but as soon as he was seated he
was approached by a haughty waiter.
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve Jews here."
"Don't let that trouble you," said the old man placidly, "I dont eat Jews!"
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 10-SEP-1985 13:03
Note 10.15 -< Jewish Humor >- 15 of 26
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Papa called at the General Delivery window of the local post office. The
clerk glanced through th mail and held up a parcel. "I don't know whether
this package is for you or not. The name is obliterated."
"No, that not my name," said Papa. "It's Shapiro."
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 11-SEP-1985 12:05
Note 10.16 -< Jewish Humor >- 16 of 26
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It was the first day of Passover, a lovely spring morning in Chicago. In his
car, a sports-minded young rabbi sped along the Outer Drive, anxious to arrive
at the synagogue in plenty of time for the Passover services. But as he drove
by the South Side Country Club he was seized with an overwhelming urge to play
a few rounds of golf. "What will it hurt?" he thought. "I have an hour or so
before I'll be needed at the temple." Of course, it was an act of sacrilege,
but no one in his congregation was anywhere near the golf course and it was
highly unlikely he would be found out. Somewhat guiltily he went into the
locker room, selected some clubs and then strolled out to the green where he
teed up a ball and began to enjoy himself.
But his every action had been observed. High above, the patriarch Abraham had
seen the rabbi swerve from the straight and narrow,and he phoned G-d who lived
in a nearby exclusive section of heaven. "I don't want to seem like a busybody
Boss, but as G-d is my witness I just saw a rabbi playing golf-and here it is
Passover, too."
"Don't call me `Boss,'" said G-d testily, "and stop taking my name in vain. I
know all about that rabbi. You think I need secondhand information? You leave
that rabbi to me. I'll punish him good."
Meanwhile the rabbi was enjoying himself immensely. He took careful aim, hit
the ball squarely and it rolled into the cup on the other end of the fairway-
a beautiful hole in one!!!!!.
The patriarch Abraham roared in righteous anger. Grabbing the phone he voiced
his indignation to G-d. "What kind of punishment do you call this?" he cried.
"Here a rabbi plays golf on Passover when he should be in synagogue with his
congregation, and what do you do? You actually reward him with a hole in one."
When G-d answered, his voice was infinitely patient:
"So, tell me, Abe, who can he tell?"
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 12-SEP-1985 13:13
Note 10.17 -< Jewish Humor >- 17 of 26
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The governor of the state held a banquet to which he invited civic and
religious leaders, including the chief rabbi and the cardinal. The chef,
though a gentile, was a considerate man, and went to great lengths to provide
kosher food for the rabbi. But the cardinal was inclined to amuse himself
at his Jewish colleague's expense.
"Have a piece of pork, Rabbi," said the cardinal. "And try some of this
ham, too."
"Your Eminence," replied the rabbi, surely you know that our people may not
eat non-kosher food."
"What a pity," grinned the prelate. "It's delicious!"
When the meal was over and the speakers had finished their orations, the rabbi
turned to the cardinal.
"Your Eminence," he said evenly, "please be kind enough to convey my greetings
to your wife."
The cardinal drew himself up. "Dont you know that a priest is forbidden to
have a wife?"
"What a pity," smiled the rabbi. "It's delicious!"
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VIRGIN::SHRAGER The Chosen Ones... 13-SEP-1985 07:14
Note 10.18 -< Jewish Humor >- 18 of 26
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This could be the longest notesfile ever.
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheeta be?
(a fur coat)
Why don't barracuda bite JAPs?
(professional courtesy)
What's the difference between JAPs and Sharks?
(nail polish)
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FORTY2::ELLIS The Chosen Ones... 19-SEP-1985 18:03
Note 10.19 -< Jewish Humor >- 19 of 26
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Here's a few Jewish jokes from across the Water ...
1. Hymie comes home after a day's work and calls out to his wife :
"Sadie, I'm home!", and a little voice comes back
"I'm hiding!"
"Where are you, Sadie?"
"I'm hiding!"
"Come along, now Sadie. Stop messing about!"
"I'm hiding!"
"Sadie, I've got something for you"
"I'm hiding!"
"I've brought you a present"
"I'm hiding!"
"You know those nice earrings you liked in Mr. Cohen's window...?"
"I'm hiding................in the cupboard under the stairs!"
2. (This one's a bit rude!) Hymie and Sadie haven't made love for years, and
Hymie's beginning to get a little desperate, so he goes to his friend and
says, "Moishe, vot am I goink to do? Sadie von't make love to me anymore!".
His good friend replies, "Get her somesing really nice...she'll be so
grateful, she'll do anything!". So Hymie goes home and gives his wife a
fur coat. She's so overwhelmed, she spent the whole evening prancing round
the house, eventually exhausting herself, and Hymie got nothing! The next
night, he takes her a diamond eternity ring, but the same thing happened.
Poor Hymie! The next night, he gives her a huge box, gift-wrapped, bow on
top, the works. Sadie carefully undoes the wrapping, takes off the lid,
and inside are 10 little kittens, all wearing a kippal. She looks at them,
and then at Hymie, and says, "Hymie, they're lovely, but vot is zis?", to
which he replies, "It's a minyon for your dead pussy!"
3. Abe comes home unexpectedly in the middle of the day to find his wife with
nothing on. "What is this?" he exclaims. "Why aren't you wearing anything?"
"I'm not wearing anything, because I don't have anything to wear!", replies
his wife. "Nothing to wear! Come and have a look in your wardrobe, Sarah!
...Are you blind, woman? You've got your red dress, there's your blue one,
and your green dress, your yellow, hello Moishe, your mauve, your pink..."
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FORTY2::ELLIS The Chosen Ones... 20-SEP-1985 15:21
Note 10.20 -< Jewish Humor >- 20 of 26
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Having just read the "Jews for Jesus" section, it has reminded me of (yet)
another joke...
A Rabbi and a Preist were talking about the course of their religious careers.
Rabbi : How did you start, my friend?
Priest : I started off as a monk. What about you?
Rabbi : Well, I went to a Yeshiva. What did you do then?
Priest : Then I became a Priest. You?
Rabbi : A Rabbi. So what's the next step?
Priest : I could become a Bishop, I s'pose.
Rabbi : Yes, and I'll be the Rabbi of the whole of London.
Priest : After that, I'll probably get to be a Cardinal.
Rabbi : And I'll be the Chief Rabbi of England! Where do you go from Cardinal?
Priest : Pope, I assume. And you?
Rabbi : Chief Rabbi of the world, I should imagine.
Following a brief pause in their conversation, the Rabbi continued :
- I suppose that after becoming Pope, you then get to be Jesus Christ!
The Priest was most shocked and said very angrily :
- NO-ONE gets to be Jesus Christ!
To which the Rabbi replied :
- Well, one of OUR boys made it!!!
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 23-SEP-1985 12:11
Note 10.21 -< Jewish Humor >- 21 of 26
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Wille Johnson invited his little Jewish friend, Izzie to attend the Sunday
School class at the local Baptist Church. The subject for that day was "love,"
and in order to arouse the interest of her pupils, the teacher offered a prize
of twenty-five cents to the child whose answers were most correct.
"Whom does our religion teach us to love above all others?" the teacher
asked, opening the class discussion.
"Our mothers," said a little girl.
"Our fathers," said Willie Johnson.
The teacher shook her head. "It is true that our religion teaches us to love
our parents," she said, "but there is one other whom we must love even more."
"George Washington?" asked one of the boys.
The Jewish boy raised his hand. "I know the answer," he said.You mean Jesus Ch
rist."
"Correct!" exclaimed the teacher. "Step forward and get your twenty-five
cents. What's your name?"
"Izzie Eisenstein."
"Aren't you Jewish?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Why, I think it is marvelous that even a Jewish boy knows we must love Jesus
above everybody else. How did you happen to think of it, young man?"
"Well, lady, actually I thought of Moses," muttered Izzie, pocketing the
twenty-five cents, "but business is business!"
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VIRGIN::SHRAGER The Chosen Ones... 24-SEP-1985 06:14
Note 10.22 -< Jewish Humor >- 22 of 26
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Priest vs Rabbi (both riding on a train):
Priest: Tell me, have you ever eaten pork?
Rabbi: (flushed) Well, in truth yes, once as a student.
Rabbi: Have you ever had intercourse with a woman?
Priest: (flushed) Well, since you were honest, yes. Also when I was a student.
Rabbi: Hell-uva lot better that pork isn't it?
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JOEL::BERMAN The Chosen Ones... 24-SEP-1985 09:36
Note 10.23 -< Jewish Humor >- 23 of 26
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My favorite for the day before Yom Kippur.
In some communities it is traditional to hold an auction before yom kippur.
Honors like opening the Ark, reading from the Torah etc. are auctioned to
raise money.
Cohen and Sullivan, two partners, are going to a meeting when Cohen says
"I have to make a short stop at my synagogue". Sullivan goes with him and
the auction is almost over. Neilah is being auctioned and Cohen stands up
and yells "10 Dollars". Sullivan immediately jumps up and yells "50 dollars".
Cohen looks at him and says "Why did you do that? You don't even know what
is going on." SUllivan replies "If you offered 10, I know it must be worth
at least 100".
/joel
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 3-OCT-1985 11:48
Note 10.24 -< Jewish Humor >- 24 of 26
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For a month the shadchan (professional matchmaker) had benn extolling the many
virtues of a young lady, until finally the prospective bridegroom became
deeply interested. So the marriage broker arranged for the youth to meet the
girl at a party at her parents' home.
But when the young man laid eyes on the intended bride his heart sank - and he
blazed inwardly at the perfidious, lying broker.
All through dinner he maintained his composure, but at the first opportunity
he drew the shadchan aside and hissed fiercely in his ear:
"You fraud! You swindler! What did I ever do to you that you should fool me
like this? Do you need the fee so badly? Why, this women is a good twenty
years older than I am. And that face-she should charge admission to look at
it. Better yet, she should nail a board over it. And she's so near-sighted
she squints. She has no teeth, she......."
"You dont have to wisper," interrupted the shadchan, "She's deaf, too!"
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FORTY2::ELLIS The Chosen Ones... 3-OCT-1985 19:31
Note 10.25 -< Jewish Humor >- 25 of 26
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The last joke (24) reminded me of a similar one...
A shadchan goes up to a prospective bridegroom and says "Have I got a girl for
you!" He continues : "She's short, she's fat, she's ugly, she's short-sighted,
half deaf, and you won't be able to stand the sight of her!". The bridegroom
replies "So that's such a catch?! She sounds revolting! What makes you think
I'll take her?". The shadchan puts forward the girl's best attribute "She's
got a speech defect.......She can't say 'No!'"
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GRAMPS::LISS The Chosen Ones... 16-OCT-1985 13:11
Note 10.26 -< Jewish Humor >- 26 of 26
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During the Second World War, a Mississippi dowager, product of an old
Southern family still living in the ante-bellum age, decided to invite three
soldiers at the nearby training camp to celebrate Thanksgiving at her colonial
mansion.
She telephoned the camp and was reffered to the lieutenant in charge of
personnel.
"Lieutenant," she crooned, "send me three nice, lonely boys. It doesnt make
any difference whether they are Northerners or Southerners, just as long as
they aren't Jewish. No Jews, if you please!"
"Thank you, Ma'am," said the lieutennant. "You are a generous woman, and on
behalf of the Army, I want to thank you."
On Thanksgiving Day a knock sounded on the door and when the lady went to
admit the boys, there on the threshold stood three of the blackest Negro
youths she had ever seen.
"B-b-but...there m-must be some mistake," she gasped, completely flustered.
"Oh no, ma'am," one of the young men assured her.
Lieutenant Goldstein never makes mistakes!"
|
| 10.2 | A Pesachdich joke! | FORTY2::ELLIS | | Mon Apr 21 1986 06:03 | 11 |
| O.K. here's a topical joke for this time of year.....
Solly Cohen has received a knighthood from Her Majesty and has been
invited to the Palace to collect it. Solly was told that he should
wear a mauve gown, and when presented to the Queen he should say
"G-d bless Your Majesty" and bow low. However he gets so flustered
and nervous standing in the line to be presented, that when his
turn comes, poor old Solly's mind goes blank and all he can think
of to say is the first few lines of the Shema. And the Queen turns
to her aide and says "Manish tanna halaya hazeh?"
|
| 10.3 | "Layla" ???? | TAV02::ALLIN1V2 | Le'Chaim | Tue Apr 22 1986 02:35 | 8 |
| The joke is well known, but for clarity sakes the translation of
what the Queen says is "Why is this (k)night different from all
the other (k)nights".
Chag Kasher ve'Sameach
Cb.
|
| 10.4 | Happy Chanukah Man, and Like my Chebby ? | ZEPPO::MAHLER | In the basement? Go up and check! - M.C. Escher | Tue Dec 23 1986 15:48 | 40 |
|
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKA
(or A VISIT FROM ST. SCHTICK)
by Fray Lach, 1965
'Twas the night before Chanuka, boychicks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidles!
The menorah was set by the chimney alight,
In the kitchen, my bubie was chopping a bite
Of salami, pastromi, a glasseleh tay,
And zoyereh pickles with bagles! Oy Vay!
Gazunt and geschmacht the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taglach and Chanuka gelt.
The alarm clock sat a clappin' and tickin'
While bubie was carving a schtickeleh chicken.
Then a tumult arose like a thousand baruchas:
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas!
I ran to the window and to my surprise,
A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
When he came to the door and he saw the menorah,
"Yiddisheh kinder," he said, "cainahore!
"I thought I was in a strainge hoise--
"Nu? As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys!"
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
"a gupple, a lepfle, a schtickeleh fish."
Then with smacks of delight he started his fressen:
Chopped liver, and cnadlach, and kreplach gegessen.
He asked for knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy Gevalt!!"
He unbuttoned his hoisen, and sat back from the tish.
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
Then more rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now Louis! Now Morris! Now Irving! Now Sammie!
"On Maxie! On Izzy! On Hymie! On Manny!"
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight:
"A good yontif to all, and to all, a good night!"
|
| 10.5 | Yuck.... | ZEPPO::MAHLER | Motti the Moderator | Wed Jan 21 1987 13:06 | 13 |
|
Hebrew:
The beer for Real Jewish Men!
|
| 10.6 | Le'chaim! | MUNCSS::AJK | Anton J. Kuchelmeister, @MUT | Thu Jan 22 1987 01:40 | 1 |
|
|
| 10.7 | | ZEPPO::MAHLER | Motti the Moderator | Mon Jan 26 1987 14:23 | 31 |
|
Two guys were sitting in a bar. They were a Chinese guy named
Chang, and a Jewish guy named Goldberg. They had been there
for quite awhile and the empties were piled high and wide.
Goldberg looked blearily over at Chang and suddenly threw
a tremendous punch directly into Chang's face. Chang slid to
a halt on the floor and shook his head. He looked up at
Goldberg with confusion. "What was that for? We're sitting
here having a friendly drink and then you punch me in the face,"
he said with a bit of a slur. Goldberg replied, "That was for
Pearl Harbor-you son of a bitch. All those innocent sailors
blown up and sunk into the Pacific...it was awful." Chang
looked back with confusion. "But that was the Japanese,"
he said, "and I'm Chinese!" Goldberg was unshaken.
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, they're all the same."
Chang didn't quite know what to think, but he chalked it
up to the several hundred beers they had consumed and
decided to let it go. He returned to the bar and ordered another
round. They sat in silence for some time and added to the
large pile of empties. Suddenly, Chang looked over at Goldberg
and without warning hurled his best Sunday punch directly
to Goldberg's nose. Goldberg toppled off his stool sending
bottles and glasses crashing to the floor. Goldberg shook
his head and gingerly felt his honker for damage.
"What was that for?" he asked Chang. Chang replied,
"That was for the Titanic, you bastard. All those poor
people sunk into the cold blue deep never to be seen
again...what a tragedy." Goldberg looked back with
suprise. "But that was an iceberg," he replied. "I didn't
have anything to do with that!" Chang was unshaken.
"Iceberg, Steinberg, Goldberg, they're all the same!"
|
| 10.8 | | PH6VAX::RUSH | | Thu May 14 1987 17:45 | 2 |
|
Have you heard about the new JAP horror film? "DEBBIE DOES DISHES"
|
| 10.9 | It exists | DARTH::SCHORR | | Thu May 14 1987 22:08 | 3 |
| There's a X rated movie with that name.
|
| 10.11 | Nudnick | IAGO::SCHOELLER | Dick Schoeller - DTN 223-5282 - MLO5-2/T40 | Wed Aug 05 1987 21:26 | 26 |
| < Note 10.10 by IAGO::SCHOELLER "Dick Schoeller - Gavriel for short">
What's a nudnick?
Someone who, when you ask "How are you?"
He tells you.
And tells you and tells you.
======================
And the definition of chutzpah?
The guy who kills his parents.
He get's caught.
Comes before the judge.
And pleads for mercy because he's an orphan.
Gavriel
|
| 10.12 | Languages are wonderful | IAGO::SCHOELLER | Dick Schoeller - DTN 223-5282 - MLO5-2/T40 | Thu Aug 06 1987 18:26 | 15 |
| < Note 10.11 by IAGO::SCHOELLER "Gavriel" >
A young Jewish man is sitting in a park in Kiev reading.
A Russian policeman asks him, "What are you doing?"
"I am studing Hebrew," he replies.
"Why, would you want to study Hebrew?" the policeman asks, rather bewildered.
"That's the language they speak in Heaven."
"And, what if you don't go to Heaven?" laughs the policman.
"I already know how to speak Russian."
|
| 10.13 | Talking to G-d | SRFSUP::PLAUT | | Wed Sep 09 1987 13:57 | 10 |
| The Church was offering a long distance call to G-d for $25,000.
Though he thought it was expensive, Tom participated and did talk
directly to G-d. Some time later he was touring in Jerusalem and
related his experience to a native, Sam. Sam responded, "So, we
do that here too." Tom asked how much it cost. When Sam told him
25 cents, Tom asked ,"Why so cheap?". To which Sam replied:
"From here its a LOCAL call!!"
|
| 10.14 | My, my - what a small world... | RETORT::RON | | Fri Sep 11 1987 10:13 | 27 |
| <<< SABRE::$DISK1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOKES.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Laugh and the whole world laughs with you... >-
================================================================================
Note 84.0 US vs USSR No replies
EUREKA::KRISTY "LTN Notes DIG Coordinator" 22 lines 31-JUL-1986 15:01
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pres. Reagan is gabbing on the hot line with Gorbachev, one day, catching
up on the latest Kremlin gossip. Gorbachev suddenly says, "Say, Ronnie,
you Americans always claim to be first in technology. Well we really have
you beat now. We've just arranged a direct telephone hookup to the
devil -- you can talk to the big man himself."
Reagan was a little surprised by this, and asked if he could try out the
new phone link. Gorbachev consented, there was a short pause,
several clicking sounds, and the devil was on the line. Reagan spoke for
a few minutes, then had himself transferred back to Gorbachev. Immediately
the Russian operator cut in. "Comrade Gorbachev, please inform Mr. Reagan
that he owns the Russian phone company 3000 rubles." Gorbachev was
amazed. "But that's incredible! Only this morning I spoke to the devil
for 30 or 40 minutes and it cost me 3 kopeks. How could Mr. Reagan's call
have cost so much?"
"But you forget, comrade, from Russia to hell is a local call."
|
| 10.16 | Not amused. | LEDS::ENGELSON | Gary S. Engelson | Mon Oct 26 1987 11:57 | 3 |
| Sum Dum joke. Don't we have enough trouble without this?
--Gary
|
| 10.17 | Don't press <RETURN> unless you like Hebrew puns. | ERICG::ERICG | Eric Goldstein | Thu Nov 26 1987 11:22 | 5 |
| Why do we eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
Hodu lashem ki tov.
|
| 10.18 | | BUSY::KLEINBERGER | Have a MAXCIMum Day! | Thu Nov 26 1987 11:37 | 6 |
| Will somone please translate .17 answer to the question for us that
can't????
Thanks!...
Gale
|
| 10.19 | "Ki l'eolam chasdo.." | JEREMY::RIVKA | | Fri Nov 27 1987 06:25 | 9 |
| I'll give it a try.
"Hodu"-thank.In hebrew it also means turkey (Tarnegol hodu).
"Lashem"-to the lord,to G'd.
It's a kind of a word game in hebrew.
Anyway-have a great thanksgiving!!!
all the best.
rivka
|
| 10.20 | here we go? | CURIE::FEINBERG | Don Feinberg | Sun Nov 29 1987 22:13 | 22 |
| re: .-1
> "Hodu"-thank.In hebrew it also means turkey (Tarnegol hodu).
> "Lashem"-to the lord,to G'd.
Or, to make things much clearer: in "hodo lashem ki tov"
we can see that "hodo" is "thanksgiving". We remember "hodo" is also
turkey (the bird...))
Wait a minute. In the first pasuk of megillat Esther, we see
that "hodo" is India.
Therefore, this piece of untimely Purim-Torah concludes that
in addition to the Sukkot-Thanksgiving connection, we see that
Thanksgiving must have been a Jewish holiday ...
Get it? (groan ...)
Sort of like "ki leckach tov, natati lahem...." :-) :-)
/don feinberg
|
| 10.21 | more turkey etymology | ULTRA::ELLIS | David Ellis | Mon Nov 30 1987 08:58 | 7 |
| Let's see now... the Hebrew word "tarnegol" means chicken, and "hodu" means
India. I am assuming an etymology where turkey is taken as the (American)
Indian variant of chicken. It sounds like Hebrew has the same confusion as
English, sharing a common word for (American) Indian and (Asian) Indian.
Interesting!
|
| 10.22 | Hodu La Sultan | CADSYS::REISS | Fern Alyza Reiss | Mon Nov 30 1987 09:17 | 17 |
|
<It sounds like Hebrew has the same confusion as English, sharing
<a common word for (American) Indian and (Asian) Indian.
I think it was Torres, a Spanish Jew who landed with Columbus, who
named the turkey "tukki" in the first place. And in 1942, when they landed,
they thought that they were in the REAL India, which might explain
all the resulting linguistic confusion.
Is this notes section exclusively for turkey puns, or can we introduce
variants? What is the blessing you give to God when a camel sits
on top of you?
Ashira laShem kee Gamal Alai.
|
| 10.23 | gamal, gamalim, ... | CURIE::FEINBERG | Don Feinberg | Mon Nov 30 1987 10:34 | 14 |
|
> I think it was Torres, a Spanish Jew who landed with Columbus, who
> named the turkey "tukki" in the first place. And in 1942, when they landed,
> they thought that they were in the REAL India, which might explain
> all the resulting linguistic confusion.
If they really landed in 1942, then I understand the confusion...
> Ashira laShem kee Gamal Alai.
You know, sometimes when I davven this, exactly that
occurs to me. Never fails to make me smile...
/don
|
| 10.24 | cake? | CURIE::FEINBERG | Don Feinberg | Mon Nov 30 1987 10:36 | 6 |
| >> Is this notes section exclusively for turkey puns, or can we introduce
>> variants?
So, no reaction to "ki leckach tov..."?
don
|
| 10.25 | natati lahem? | CADSYS::REISS | Fern Alyza Reiss | Mon Nov 30 1987 11:07 | 3 |
|
Well, "matzah hain bamidbar", y'know.
|
| 10.26 | You guys SLAY me... | TSE::MAGENHEIM | Mummy: Egyptian pressed for time | Mon Nov 30 1987 14:30 | 4 |
| Did I miss something? Did you ever answer .18?
Perhaps it's all that Thanksgiving food clogging my arteries,
but I still don't get the joke. Please enlighten me...
|
| 10.27 | So 3 Rabbis are talking . . . | RSTS32::KASPER | Calm Down! It's Only 1's and 0's! | Tue Dec 01 1987 11:52 | 9 |
|
First Rabbi: My congregation is so reform, we have our services
in English!
Second Rabbi: That's nothing! We're so reform, we leave the parking
lot open on Shabbat!
Third Rabbi: You're both behind the times! We're closed on weekends!
|
| 10.28 | | RETORT::RON | | Tue Dec 01 1987 12:56 | 22 |
|
RE:< .26
> Did I miss something? Did you ever answer .18?
Yep. Several times... Let me try again:
'Hodu Lashem ki tov' translates literally to: "Thank G'd because
it's good". However, 'Hodu', in everyday speech, is also used to
denote 'Turkey'.
In the light of the above translation, consider the pun:
Why do we eat turkey on Thanks giving?
Hodu Lashem ki tov.
If you still don't enjoy the pun, don't worry about it. Puns are the
lowest form of humour...
-- Ron
|
| 10.29 | Get real Punsters to tell a pun! | SAGE::PERLMAN | Eli B. Perlman | Tue Dec 01 1987 17:08 | 4 |
| You guys can't tell jokes! Try getting Rabbi Pierre V'chavod or
Harvey Chainoo. They can tell a great pun!
Eli
|
| 10.30 | Speaking of stuffed turkeys | SWATT::POLIKOFF | See SWATT run. Run SWATT run. | Wed Dec 02 1987 10:59 | 76 |
| NEW STUFFING PLANT FOR THE HOME GARDEN
by Warren Schultz - National Gardening Dec '87
"The state of stuffing today is a shame, "admits stuffing plant
breeder Dr. A. A. Crewton of Agri-Technoid Industries. "Most
people think stuffing is stuffing," he says. "But they obviously have
never had a good cultivar of it picked fresh from the garden. I
wouldn't eat the stuff they sell in the store." He thinks most
gardeners would agree if they had a chance to grow their own. But
until now, finding that good variety presented a problem.
There are plenty of reasons why stuffing hasn't caught on as a
garden crop, says Crewton. Specialized equipment is required to
separate the stuffing kernels from the spiny pods in which they grow.
The plant also requires a lot of space, and though breeding work has
increased its yield, new varieties are bred for the commercial trade,
not the home gardener. "Storability, shippability, yield, uniform
cubes and disease resistance are the traits of the new varieties,"
says Crewton. What about flavor? "Taste has been bred right out.
You might as well be eating cardboard," he says. Today's stuffing
farmers pick the crop before it's fully matured and dry, and allow it
to ripen up in the box or bag. "But you never get the full, old
fashioned taste that way," Crewton explains.
Stuffing, of course, is one of the few crops native to the
Parsippany, New Jersey, area. And though it was brought back to
Europe by Christopher Columbus, it remained just a curiosity there and
in North America. For centuries eating stuffing was thought to cause
delirium and even death. It was said that those who ate it were
immediately afflicted with an overwhelming desire to collapse into a
chair and watch violent sports until their eyes glazed over.
Shakespeare spoke for all of Europe when he wrote in Macbeth, "Cleanse
the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff/Which weight heavy on the
heart."
However, in 1880, the Reverend Crenshaw Dressage hauled a full
bushel of stuffing up the steps of the Goshenhoppen, Pennsylvania,
post office, and with at least a half dozen people watching, devoured
the entire bushelful. The American stuffing industry was born that
day.
Dr. Crewton expects that his work will have just as much effect
in regenerating the state of stuffing in America. He has discovered a
wild, hull-less stuffing plant, which he's crossed with the common
stuffing. The result: a new cultivar that's dwarf, early, hull-less,
spineless, and can dry right on the stalk to develop full flavor. It
also has resistance to soggy bottom disease and phytofragga crumble.
"And it's pretty enough to be included in any edible landscape,"
Crewton says.
A single plant can fill a small turkey or several large rock
Cornish game hens. With 60 days to maturity, you no linger have to
wait until November or December to harvest. "Gardeners will be eating
stuffing on the Fourth of July," he predicts. And the flavor? "You
don't have to smother it with gravy," he says. "It's good enough to
eat straight from the stalk."
It's not a perfect plant yet, the breeder admits. Though insects
have shown no interest in it, birds can wipe out the crop. For now he
recommends covering the plants with bird netting or floating row
covers. But he's hard at work on another solution. "Gene splicing
offers some fascinating possibilities," he says. He's had some
success crossing the stuffer with rutabaga, but two problems remain.
"Growing underground, the birds can't get it, "he says, "but the mice
just about cleaned us out. And what was left wound up tasting like
rutabagas."
Dr. Crewton has just released his germplasm to minor seed
companies but seeds will not be available to the home gardener for a
long, long time.
------------------------------------------------
Warren Schultz plans to cross sugar beets and sweet potatoes to grow
his own candied yams.
|
| 10.31 | one more try!? | CURIE::FEINBERG | Don Feinberg | Fri Dec 04 1987 07:40 | 11 |
|
OK, OK, so how do you give thanks to G-d when you find yourself
in a vat of bubble gum?
boruch atah ... asher kidishanu b'mitsvotav,
v'tsivanu lasheyv bazukah ...
/don feinberg
|
| 10.32 | and still more puns | CADSYS::REISS | Fern Alyza Reiss | Fri Dec 04 1987 08:53 | 3 |
|
Definitely time for some punim hadashim here!
|
| 10.33 | a punishing remark... | CURIE::FEINBERG | Don Feinberg | Fri Dec 04 1987 11:33 | 6 |
| >>> Definitely time for some punim hadashim here!
G R O A N.
/df
|
| 10.34 | slight grammatical note | FSLENG::CHERSON | and what's your raison d'etre?! | Fri Dec 04 1987 12:09 | 3 |
| It's panim hadashot.
David
|
| 10.35 | Any new panim want to vote? | CADSYS::REISS | Fern Alyza Reiss | Fri Dec 04 1987 12:26 | 5 |
|
<It's panim hadashot.
Alkali (sp?) actually says that 'panim hadashim' and 'panim hadashot'
are equally correct, which has always confused me.
|
| 10.36 | Certainly no worse than any of the previous entries. | BAGELS::SREBNICK | Stupid people shouldn't breed. | Fri Dec 04 1987 13:22 | 17 |
| Shloimie, a synagogue president once walked into a seafood restaurant.
The maitre d' gave him the best seat in the house -- right by the
window.
Just as the lobster he ordered was served, the congregation's rabbi
walked by the window. He looked in and saw Shloimie with his
the lobster. The rabbi was furious. Shloimie saw no need to waste
a perfectly good lobster and, unabashed, began to eat. Throughout
the meal, the rabbi stood at the window and glared angrily.
When Shloimie left the restaurant, the rabbi was there. He boomed,
"Shloimie, have you ever eaten trefe before?"
"Oh yes, but this is the first time I've done so under rabbinic
supervision."
|
| 10.37 | This one's 2/3 of a pun. | BAGELS::SREBNICK | Stupid people shouldn't breed. | Fri Dec 04 1987 14:03 | 29 |
| Each day, we hope for the coming of the Messiah. We know that he
will be coming in a wagon, for as it says in the Hatzi Kaddish:
(here it comes)
Ba'agala uvizman kariv...
(and now, for those of you who don't understand)
This phrase is an Aramaic one found in a frequently recited prayer.
The Aramaic translation of the words "Ba-agala uvizman kariv" is
"Speedily, and in our days." The word Ba-agala in Hebrew means
"In/on a wagon."
Perhaps it's one of those geographical jokes... you have to be there.
B'seder chamor?
|
| 10.38 | OK, Just one more... | CADSYS::REISS | Fern Alyza Reiss | Mon Dec 07 1987 09:49 | 6 |
|
Q: How do we know that when God plays tic-tac-toe with B'nai Yisrael,
God takes the X's?
A: "Hashem O's l'amo yetain..."
|
| 10.39 | Out of this world | BAGELS::SREBNICK | It works better if you plug it in. | Mon Jan 18 1988 15:23 | 7 |
| And yes, even beings from other planets are referenced in our liturgy.
When we remove the Torah from the ark, we are told to worship with
these extra terrestrials...
Gad'lu la-shem E.T. u-n'rom'ma sh'mo yachdav.
|
| 10.40 | Try it, you'll like it! | ULTRA::OFSEVIT | | Mon Apr 04 1988 11:45 | 23 |
| So there's this plane flying from Dallas, Texas, to New York,
and the little Jewish guy finds himself sitting next to a big Texan.
They start talking and quickly become fast friends.
The little Jewish guy finds out that the Texan has never been
to New York. "Well, you're gonna love it. I'll show you the whole
town."
The plane lands, and the little Jewish guy tells the Texan,
"First thing we do, we go get something to eat. We'll go to a real
kosher delicatessan and get some first rate Jewish food." The Texan
is highly enthusiastic.
At the deli, the Jewish guy says, "Everything here is good,
but the foist thing you gotta have is some matzah ball soup. You'll
love it." So they order.
The Texan *loves* the matzah ball soup. He eats it in record
time and orders a second bowl...and a third...and a fourth! Finally
he pushes his chair back, burps happily, and says: "Well, that
matzah ball soup is really delicious. Tell me:
"Do you folks eat any other part of the matzah around here?"
|
| 10.41 | Which Leads me to... | USACSB::SCHORR | | Mon Apr 04 1988 14:03 | 5 |
| Which leads me to an interesting question.
Are Mountain Oysters Kosher?
Warren
|
| 10.42 | What's a Mountain Oyster? | CADSYS::REISS | Fern Alyza Reiss | Mon Apr 04 1988 15:17 | 5 |
|
And as long as we're on the topic--how about Maui Maui (It's a
fish)--Anyone ever hear anything in regard to their kashrut? (Local
authority is out of town for Pesach, not that I'm likely to have
a chance to get any before Pesach...) Thanks, /Fern
|
| 10.43 | "Maui Maui" is where I'd like to be, to be. | ULTRA::OFSEVIT | | Mon Apr 04 1988 15:57 | 13 |
| re .42:
It's "mahi mahi" and it's kosher. Its other name is dolphin
fish, but it's really a fish and not a mammal; it just looks like
a dolphin. And it's very good, too.
Will somebody else enlighten that poor soul about Rocky Mountain
oysters? I've already done my share for making this file off-color
today!
Chag sameach and gut yomtov to all!
David
|
| 10.44 | Russian/Jewish joke | OPHION::GRINGORTEN | Click Click | Mon Apr 04 1988 19:26 | 12 |
| My appologies if this joke is already in here. I haven't the time
to look thru 43 notes to see.
There is long wait in the meat line in Russian town near Moscow.
Suddenly there is an announcement that they are running low on
meat and that all Jews should leave the line. Another hour passes
and there is another annoucement that they are still running low
on meat, and that all people who are not military officers should
leave the line. Another hour passes and there is yet another
annoucement. You guessed it -- they are all out of meat. As the
military officers are walking away, one is heard to remark "those
Jews get all the breaks."
|
| 10.45 | probably kosher, but *I*'m not eating them! | CADSYS::RICHARDSON | | Tue Apr 05 1988 13:48 | 5 |
| "Mountain oysters" are, I think, bull testicles, from beef cattle,
so I suppose they are kosher (some people eat spleen, sweetbreads,
brains, etc., also...). People eat them because they are supposed
to increase sexual desire and/or performance. If YOU try them,
let us all know how you liked them....
|
| 10.46 | Forbidden for Goyim too? | NOTIME::SACKS | Gerald Sacks ZKO2-3/N30 DTN:381-2085 | Tue Apr 05 1988 17:23 | 4 |
| I think mountain oysters are from castrated live animals. If this
is true, they are forbidden not only to Jews, but to non-Jews as
well, since one of the seven Noachide laws forbids eating part of
a live animal.
|
| 10.47 | B'dikat humous? | BAGELS::SREBNICK | It works better if you plug it in. | Thu Apr 07 1988 10:51 | 13 |
| Not a joke, perhaps, but a funny misuse of words.
I was speaking to someone who will remain nameless (because if she
found out that I was blasting this to the world she'd be very angry)
about cleaning the house for passover.
She said, "Oh yeah, the search for humous."
I had visions of my mother walking around with a spoon and a tub
of humous hiding it all over the house, followed by me with my candle,
feather, and pita bread looking for it.
Problem is, it doesn't burn all that well.
|
| 10.48 | | RAWFSH::MAHLER | Mordecai ben Moshe | Thu Apr 07 1988 11:53 | 4 |
|
And then Leonard Nemoy steps out of the broom closet ...
|
| 10.49 | jewish humor | CSCMA::GILDER | | Tue Apr 26 1988 11:50 | 47 |
| Got time for a couple of more Jewish jokes?
Abby and Sarah are fast asleep. Sarah wakes up because she is cold.
She says, "Abby, famach the vinda, it's cold outside". Abby moans,
"na".
Sarah being really cold nudges Abby with her elbow, "Abby, famach
the vinda, it's cold outside". Abby remarks, "Ah, leave me alone!"
This time she gives him an elbow where it really hurt and shouted
at the top of her lungs, "Abby, famach the vinda, it's cold outside".
Abby lost his patience, gets out of bed mumbles "Aw Yoiska Pundrich"
(Aw Jesus Christ). Then slams the window down and shouts, "Nu, now
it's warm outside!".
_______
A gentleman of well means goes to a tailor and orders a hand done
suit. The tailor takes measurements. The man requests top grade
material.
It's 3 weeks later.
The man goes to the tailor...The suit looks exquisite on the hanger.
He tries the suit on. Then calls to the tailor. Look at this suit!
What have you done. Look at the way this sleeve fits, it's awful.
The tailor says, "no problem, just hold your arm at this angle"
The man says but the pant legs are uneven this is much too long.
The tailor says, "don't be upset. Just tie your belt this way".
"But..." says the man. The tailor replies, "Don't vorry for a tsing.
You look marhvelus"
So, convinced the suit is fine, the man hobbles out toward the bus.
Two little old ladies sitting next to him. One says to the other.
"That poor poor man, look how crippled he is"
The other reply, "yeah, but look how nice the suit fits!"
____
Adriane
|
| 10.50 | | EAGLE1::DANTOWITZ | nothing personal ... | Mon May 02 1988 18:32 | 5 |
| Pardon the politics:
A friend of mine teaches first year Hebrew to third graders. When
taught the word maduah ("why") one child asked, "Can I say 'Maduah
Ronald Reagan'?"
|
| 10.51 | A bit of political humor | MELTIN::dick | Gavriel ben Avraham | Tue Oct 03 1989 11:29 | 15 |
| G-d called the 3 most important men in the world today (Bush, Gorbachev and
Shamir) in to see Him. He told them that the world was going to end in 2 weeks.
Gorbachev returned to the Kremlin and said, "I have 2 pieces of bad news.
First, we have been wrong all along. There is a G-d. Second, the world is
going to end in 2 weeks."
Bush returned to Washington and made a speech before the Congress. He said,
"I have good news and I have bad news. First the good news, we have been
right all along. There is a G-d. But the bad news is that the world is
going to end in 2 weeks."
Shamir returned to Israel and made a speech before the Kenesset. He said,
"I have 2 pieces of good news. First of all, we were right there is a G-d.
And second, the Intifada will end in 2 weeks.
|
| 10.52 | | SHALOT::GELBER | | Fri Oct 13 1989 12:07 | 7 |
| Morris was crossing the street on day, when a truck came out of nowhere
and hit him.
People gathered around. As the paramedic opened Morris' collar, and gently
lifted him onto the stretcher, he asked, "Morris, are you comfortable?"
Replied Morris, "Thank G-d, I make a good living."
|
| 10.53 | A little light music | NATIVE::ROSENBERG | Dick Rosenberg VRO5-1/D7 | Fri Jul 20 1990 18:29 | 6 |
| From the CLASSICAL_MUSIC conference (category - humor, viola player
bashing)
Have you heard about the viola player who auditioned for the PLO?
|
| 10.54 | | CIMNET::TOBIN_D | | Thu Sep 13 1990 17:42 | 47 |
| It was Yom Kippur. In the middle of the afternoon service, the cantor
suddenly lost his voice completely. The rabbi addressed the
congregation: "Please, is there someone in the congregation who knows
the service and can chant it for us?"
No one answers.
The rabbi pleads again: "This is most important. Please do not be
shy. If you know the service and can chant it, please come forward.
We must continue with the service."
No one answers.
The rabbi makes a third plea to the congregation. Finally, a man in
the back stands up.
"You know the service?" asks the rabbi.
"No, I don't" replies the man. "But my dog does, and he chants it
beautifully. We just went through it last week."
"This is no time for jokes," says the rabbi angrily. He pleads with
the congregation again for a volunteer. No response, except for the
man who insists that his dog can do the service.
The rabbi calls a quick meeting of the board and they decide that,
having no other choice, they should ask the man to fetch his dog.
A short while later, the man returns from home with the dog, and brings
the dog up on the pulpit.
To everyone's amazement, not only does the dog know the service, he has
a better voice that the cantor.
As the shofar is blown to end the service, everyone rushes to the man
to congratulate the man on the wonderful job his dog has done. The
rabbi breaks through the crowd and addresses the man:
"I never would have believed it, but your dog saved the day. He has a
wonderful voice. He should become a cantor!"
The man replies:
"Please, rabbi, will you talk to him? ...
"He wants to be a doctor."
|
| 10.55 | | GAON::jem | Anacronym: an outdated acronym | Wed Sep 19 1990 00:50 | 15 |
|
Re: .54
Apropos of canine humor, someone approached his rabbi with a request that
the latter eulogize his deceased dog. The rabbi refused, stating that
nothing like that had ever been done before. The congregant thereupon
added that he was willing to pay $5000 for the service. The rabbi
suddenly recalled several obscure sources which had previously eluded
his memory, and agreed.
During the funeral service, many of the attendees were moved to tears
by the warm words of the rabbi. Afterwards, he inquired about the
owner's reaction, whos eyes were still red. The man answered, "it
was a beautiful, moving speech, Rabbi. To tell you the truth, I myself
never knew what a staunch supporter of Israel Fluffy was!"
|
| 10.57 | He says, "Less than sensational" | COVERT::COVERT | John R. Covert | Sat Dec 05 1992 00:47 | 2 |
| Well, I don't get it, and neither does a Jewish music Ph.D. student I read it
to.
|
| 10.58 | | TOOK::ALEX | Alex Allister | Sat Dec 05 1992 02:26 | 9 |
| re .57
I deleted 10.56 in the remote case it is considered in poor taste.
However, the Jewish music Ph.D. student has apparently never played
in a symphony orchestra! :-) Else s/he does not know the instruments
typically represented in a symphony orchestra. Else s/he has no
appreciation for the amount of skill it takes to play a triangle! :-)
Alex
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| 10.59 | Poor taste, and insulting to percussionists and tubists, as well | COVERT::COVERT | John R. Covert | Sat Dec 05 1992 03:47 | 1 |
| I get it.
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| 10.60 | | COVERT::COVERT | John R. Covert | Sat Dec 05 1992 04:00 | 26 |
| Well, my about to be Ph.D. friend just called me back with one for you:
If you ask a Jew driving a Chevy what the most important holiday of the
year is, what will he say?
Yom Kipper.
If you ask a Jew driving a Cadillac what the most important holiday of
the year is, what will he say?
Yom Kippur.
If you ask a Jew driving a Mercedes what the most important holiday of
the year is, what will he say?
Merry Christmas!
P.S.: Allan says his brother drives a Mercedes.
/john
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| 10.61 | | TOOK::ALEX | Alex Allister | Mon Dec 07 1992 18:44 | 2 |
| I do not get it... also is "Kipper" an intentional spelling?
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| 10.62 | | GOOEY::GVRIEL::SCHOELLER | Calendars & Notepads R me | Mon Dec 07 1992 18:49 | 4 |
| I suspect so. Also Yom in that case would be pronounced with a short 'o' like
in Mom.
Gav
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