Conference tallis::celt

    Leaprechauns have a few Cavan jokes that apply.
    
    In Scotland they eat their dinner out of a drawer in the table....
    
    
    
    
    
    why??
    
    In case somebody comes to visit.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    In Scotland there is 7 sides to a 50p piece ---- why????
    
    
    So you can use a spanner to prise it out of their hands.
    
    Snake is into it now!
    

    Has Dermot posted these elsewhere ??
    
    The scot who found a pair of crutches in the attic and came down
    and broke his son's leg.
    
    Irish equivelents for someone mean : 
    
    He could peel an orange in his pocket.
    
    The smoker : He takes them out lighting
    
    - Joe

    
    
    
    	More !!!!!
    
    
    
    
    
    keVin
    

    A Scotsman was riding the bus in London when the conductor came
    to collect the fare. An argument ensued between the Scotsman and
    the conductor as to the severity of the 20p fare. Eventually the
    conductor got so frustrated with the Scotsman that he picked up
    the mans suitcase and threw it out the window into the Thames (they
    just happened to be crossing a bridge at the time). With this the
    Scotsman went crazy , grabing the conductor by the shirt he shouts,
    
    "Ach feerst ya tree ta rub me, and now ya go an drown ma wee boy."
    
    

Two Scot brothers were separated at a young age when one of them went to
live in Canada.  Years later one brother traveled from Scotland for a visit
with his long-lost sibling.

On their way back to the Canadian brother's home, the Canadian brother pointed
out various forms of wildlife.

"That's a Canadian Bear..."

"That's a Canadian Squirrel..."

After a few hours of this, a strange looking creature with a large nose
and horns protruding from its head lumbered out of the forest...

"What's that!?"

"Oh, That's a Canadian Moose..."

"Och man, if that's a Moose I'd hate like hell to see a rat!"


(ouch!) ;-)

    
    Glasgow Celtic football club are in big trouble. 3rd bottom in
    the Scottish Premier division and 9 points adrift from their
    hated rivals Glasgow Rangers. There are a number of jokes going
    round about the present Celtic demise. Bear in mind that the
    gentlemen called Ian Andrews is the Celtic goalkeeper...
    
    
    What has Ian Andrews and Michael Jackson got in common?
    
    They both wear gloves for no apparent reason!
    
    What is the difference between Ian Andrews and Cinderella?
    
    Cinderella got to the ball!
    
    What's the new anthem sung on the terracings at Parkhead?
    
    The cry was no defender!
    
    That's all folks!
    

    Leaprechauns heard why.
    
    Apart from the fact that the best goalkeeper in Europe is out injured,
    
    the reason for the Rangers rise, must the new Korean coach they
    got. 
    
    His name is: Win wun soon.
    
    Snake knows how it feels to knock the top dogs off their pedestal.
    

    Another goalkeeper insult is to call him "Dracula" because he
    hates crosses particularly when the keeper lets the odd cross drop.
                                                                 
    - Joe

    An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman were in a bar drinking beer.
A fly lands in each of their beers.
 The Englishman scoops his out with a spoon and drops it on his saucer.
 The Aussie blows fly off in cloud of foam.
 THe Scotsman gently picks it out by the wings, shakes it off, and says quietly,
    "allrrrright you little booger, spit it oooot!"
 
Do you know how the Grand Canyon was formed ?
   A Scot dropped a penny in a golf hole.
 
It was a hot summer afternoon, and some Scots were drinking whiskey in the 
pub. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a man comes in panting, his tongue  
lolling and totally black in color. "  What happened, Mac?",  inquired one  
of the  regulars."  
  Well, a bottle of whiskey fell on the hot tar road. " said Mac.
 
A Scotsman comes  to his  friend in  tears. "My  beautiful comb.  I
broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it anymore.  What am I going to
do?  Now I'll have to buy another one."
 "Well," said his friend, "you don't  need to buy another just  because
 you lost one tooth on your comb."
"But you don't understand.  It was the last tooth."
    

    Hmm,
    	there appears to be two types of Scots Humour (humor US). One
    is the Scots jokes told by non-Jocks about Scots being mean etc.
    The other is the jokes Scots themselves tell and what makes them
    laugh.
    
    Anyway, here's another two of the second category...
    
    A guy walks into a garage and says, 'Have you got a headlamp for
    a Lada?'
    The mechanic replies...
    
    'That sounds like a fair exchange!'
    
    What do you call a Lada with an aerial?
    
    A Dodgem!
    
    Don H.
    

A Scotsman is walking down the street with a bottle of whiskey under his arm
on a cold winter night.  All of a sudden he slips on an ice patch, hits his
head on the pavement and knocks himself out.  When he wakes up, he feels a warm
wetness around his head and arms.  He dips his finger in the wet spot, puts it 
to his lips and says, "Thank God, it's only blood."




Another Scotsman was walking down the street in his kilt a little inebriated.  
He leans against a lamp post and finally passes out.  A couple of young ladies
come walking by and sees the poor man flat on his back out cold.  Well, they
always wanted to see what a Scotsman wore under their kilts so they decided to
take a look.  They lifted his kilt and found out, then decided to play a little
trick by taking a blue ribbon from their hair and tie a nice bow on what they 
found.  A few minutes later the Scotsman woke up, looked down and saw the ribbon
and said, "I don't know where ye been, lad, but I'm glad tae see you took first
prize."


	Jack

    
    As an aside, it should be noted that Scotsmen do not drink
    whiskey. They, in fact, consume vast quantities of the nectar
    of the Gods... WHISKY !!!!
    
    Don H.
    

Are you kweschuning mi speling or the content of mi jokes?

	Jus wunderin,
		Jack

    Jack,
         I am in fact, questioning the content of your glass !!
    
    Don H.
    

RE: < Note 397.14 by AYOU46::D_HUNTER "This is my Personal_name!" >
                             -< Same again water! >-

WATER!?!?!?  UGH.

    >Jack,
         >I am in fact, questioning the content of your glass !!
    
			ALways full :-)

	Jack

    
    The following joke was told to me to illustrate another side
    of Scottish humour, the tough side.
    
    
    Two highlanders are stumbling home one night after a few drams when
    they find themselves benighted in subzero temperatures on the side of
    a remote hill.  They decide to settle down for the night and continue
    their journey on the morrow. 
    
    So they lay down in the snow, but Hamish can't get comfortable and he
    tosses and turns for a hour then gets up and starts to wander around,
    searching for something. 
    
    "Whit're ye doon mon?" Says his companion.
    
    "Ahm searrchin' for a stane tae put under ma heid" replies Hamish.
    
    "Och, hang your effeminacy mon and lie doon - canna ye sleep with'na
    stane under your heid?

    
    
    
    
    English Translation:
    
    
    "I say old chap, what on earth are you up to?" Says his companion.
    
    "Well, I rather though I might like a small stone to rest my head
    on." replies Hamish.
    
    "Gosh, don't be such a softy, Can't you sleep without a stone under
    your head?"
    
    

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal,
the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement
of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually
did.
 
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
 
	"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".
    
    Mike

    A Scotsman and his young lady(the one he was courting of course), were
    out taking a walk in the moonlight.  The Lass looked at her Swain and
    said, "A penny for your thoughts."  The fellow gallantly replied, "I
    was thinkin I might like to kiss you."  
    
    She said "Ye might" and he did.
    
    They continued walking, arm in arm, and a while later she said, "A
    penny for your thoughts."  He said, " I was thinkin you still owe me a
    penny."

    Some more.

    "I wouldn't say that my father was tight"...But he dropped 10 pence
    once and it hit him on the back of the head when he bent down to pick it up.

     There's a nasty rumour that copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen
    fighting over a penny.

    SCott

From Yesterdays Glasgow Herald....


After many years of hard saving, a butcher finally takes his wife on the 
"trip of a lifetime" on a round-the-world cruise on the QE2. It is the 
first time in 35 years of marraige that the wee Glasgow woman has been 
abroad.

On her first day on the ship, she meets another Glasgow lady who is 
obviously from a wealthy background.  They get talking...

"Is this your first time on a cruise ship ?"  says the well-off lady.

"Yes," replies the butcher's wife, "Is it yours ?"

"Oh no," she says,"I'm a seasoned traveller, my husband works for Cunard."

To which the butcher's wife angrilly retorts,

"Listen pal, my husband works bloody hard too y'know."






Hee-hee,
Mark