| What follows is a guide to the complexities of the Scottish language
(or dialect, whatever you will) which I came across scribbled on
some sheets of A4 in the back of Morton's In Search of Scotland
which I got from Voltaire and Rousseau in the dear, green place.
It claims to be a guide for travellers. some of it is obscure, so
perhaps it was intended for a specific group of travellers.
THE GUILD AULD TONGUE
D'ye want a sook o' ma lolly?
A phrase to be used when offering a local a suck on a
lollipop. The adult male traveller should, however, take care
when selecting this approach to strangers as it is open to
liberal interpretation.
Doo yoo speek English?
It is unlikely that this phrase will illcit anything
other than a guffaw, a skelp (sic) "roond the lug" or a cry of
"Yinglish basterd!" but it may be resorted to in extremis.
It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht the nicht.
Evenin' all. Phrase immortalised by McTavish of Dock
Green on the 1960s polis programme. Should normally procede a
less formal enquiry such as example 1.
Stop Yer Ticklin' Jock.
Should be used if example 1 is misinterpreted, and the
tickle ickle ickling is getting so intense that a sticky mess
could result.
Fower pints o' heavy 'n' three Babychams.
Standard phrase to be used by a party of seven in cheery
inns, friendly hostelries or anywhere in Glasgow.
Shut yer face pal, ahm frae Glasgae, sae stetchat!
Indicative of a defensive posture on the part of the
cornered traveller trying to convince hostile Jockies that he too
is of their ilk by writing his name on someone's forehead with
indelible ink, broken beer glass etc.
The coachie copped his whack.
My postillion has been struck by lightning.
Lexicon Scotticon
You don't come the pickle with the onion
You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the
wind, you don't pull the mask of the old Lone Ranger, and you
don't mess around with Slim.
The Devil's Intestines
A term for the Great Highland Bagpipes, though the origin
of the phrase is obscure.
C'Wa' Wi' Tha'
This Gaelic looking phrase is in fact just good old
Scots, laced with plenty of apostrophes. It can be rendered in
various ways, most of them not useful to the traveller unless he
be fleet of foot. "Sod that for a game of soldiers" could be
usefully substituted' though this does not, of course, preserve
the original apostrophisation.
Gan' Awa' Johnny
Go away Johnny. Not in fact a use of the imperative, more
a cry of disbelieve, scorn, exasperation etc.
Scotia!
As She Is Spak
See me? See mince? I hate mince!
The motto of the newly formed Veggie Soc of Scotland. The phrase
was originally part of a children's game in which vast quantities
of nourishing food were thrown about the kitchen in a seies of
tantrums. The correct, or traditional response is "Wait till yer
Dad gets hame, ye wee bugger." In recent years the phrase has
gained a wider currency, and undergone many variations as new
types of food are foisted on an unsuspecting population, such as
"See me? See e? I hate food additives."
Muckle Nourice
A nourice is any kindly person of a pleasant disposition, more
specifically someone involved in health care. A possible
equivalence would be nurse, as here too there is no suggestion of
pregnancy. The only kind of wet nourice we are familiar with is
one who has not yet found the towels. It is therefore logical
that a muckle nourice is not a small one, whereas a wee nourice
is one involved in urology.
A huffty
Often mistaken for a noun, as in "A gaed tae the Pakie Shop for
the messages, but a' a got was a huffty, an a duffyin tae!"
(Which introduces the wonderful phrases "The messages", which are
provisions, not vague attempts at communication; "The Pakie
Shop", a shop where things are stored in boxes [During the Long
Hot Summer of Riots some years ago a brave journalist went off to
Glasgow to discover why there were no riots there, despite the
presence of Blacks, Asians, Women and other marginalised groups.
The brilliant reply was that "Oor Blacks are nae as black as your
Blacks", reflecting the fact that the further away from the Tory
Heartland one travels the deeper and wider the xxxx becomes.] "A
huffty" is a verbal form, expressing compulsion.
On the Broo
A corruption of "On the Bureau". Not in fact the place where
people go who are "in a huff" (Cf. and contrast previous entry)
to better display their ill-humour, but a place where people go
who are reliant on the State for their very existence, and
subsist on the meagre hand-outs available from the Party that
cares (sic).
A'll jist rin doon fer a donut
Of limited usage, but may be useful in the Hyndland district of
Glasgow. It concerns donutomania, which is rife in those parts,
and the local authority's provision of a clinic for those with
this unfortunate habit. Tourists may be taken to laugh at the
inmates.
Scotland The What?
As the lights go out throughout what was once known as Central
Europe at the prospect of life without the Yankee Bomb, without
the Yankee Dollar and without the American Dream, we must add to
the wails and ululations our own voice, our own cries of grief,
expressing in the traditional forms that readers of this
news-letter (Who?) hold close to their bosom, such as it might
be, our sadness at the terrible loss we have suffered.
Coronach Edhithe Rubha na-sgair Sputnikov
The Red Editor's Lament for the Loss of his Fellow Travellers
Nae mair, nae mair, nae mair MacWinkie
Till daws the great day o' doom and mournin'
MacWinkie is gane nae mair returnin'
Nae mair will he walk by Clyde's bonnie banks
Nor roond by the jams o' Loch Lomond
For MacWinkie is gane tae a far hotter place
Whaur his skin will gae red, raw and wrinkled
Bit the simmer will come wi' the floors a' perfumin'
An' the hills will ring wi' oor lauchin'
An' the tears will blin' oor een
At Glomach's roarin' linn
Whaur apostrophes are used wi' abandon
For his bonnie, bristlin' cheekies
Will never more be seen
Mangst the hazels o' green Inverarnan
An' he'll tak the aeriplane
Wi' his auld Eyetie mammie
An' we'll miss him up in the Hielans
For we an' MacWinkie will never meet again
By the bonnie, bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond
Now that we are all well versed (weel versit) with the vagaries
of the Guid Auld Tongue and steepit in the traditional forms of
Scottish oral literature (The Glasgow Dentists' Review, etc.)
I feel that no glossary of the former work is needed. It reads
better in the original Gaelic (pace those who detect Lady Nairn
and her companions in the background) where our eponymous heroes
are rendered as MacUinchui and an Nourhis Mor. Add a skirl or two
of the Devil's Intestines in the background and it'd fair mak you
greet.
Scotland, The Truth At Last
Or, Will It Snow, Lassie, Snow?
Visas
Visas are not normally required for entry to the Frozen Land of
Milk and Honey. There are these exceptions:
Southerners from the Soft Areas -
Anywhere in Southern England, incl. Cheshire,
Harrogate and Richmond in Yorkshire
Durham, York and North Shields (An anomaly
soon to be fixed)
Tories (Party Cards not usually needed as proof, the
Mark of Cain on the forehead is enough, as are
strings of pearls, twin-sets and a first name
shared with a Cabinet Minister [Leon, Nigel etc])
Namby Pambies
Currency
There is little need for any currency conversion. The shiny,
round, yellow things we use down here are acceptable, but you
will probably receive from the Scots the old green, rippy stuff
and you should refer to these as "queds", as in "Gi' us a qued,
wull ye? Ah've nae money fur the bus." Be prepared to barter.
Driving
Driving starts out on the normal side, but this soon becomes
irrelevant as there is only one side to the road, developed by
the Gael less as a quaint tourist attraction or death trap than
an attempt at the negation of Euclidian geometry.
Jokes
These are to be avoided, especially ones about kilts, haggis and
the General Election results. The Scots do have a sense of
humour, it is, however, cloaked in centuries of insularity and
Calvinist dogma. An example would be
"The Meenester gaed oot for a cairry oot, and cam
hame again sober."
Whilst at first glance lacking a certain sparkle, this is
considered the height of wit, and can be used with impunity.
Americans
There are Americans in Scotland. These are to be avoided,
especially ones who want to talk about kilts, haggis and the
General Election results.
Weather
Ho ho ho, ha ha ha, tee hee hee.
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| Re .0: What you wrote about Scottish culture, traditions, kilts,
etc... is essentially correct and historically true with one exception:
The Highland Scots were never illiterate: They came from Ireland
in the 8th and 9th century with their literature as well as with
their tongue. Over the centuries, poetry, songs and music were written
which became distinct from (though related to) Irish ones. Most
of that was lost because not all was written (cf the way the
piobareachd music was transmitted - orally - ) and during several
centuries, the Scottish kings deliberately maintained the Highlands
in a state of anarchy after they destroyed the lordship of the isles
simply because they were not powerful enough to rule and police
the country, but, with the help of their allies (Campbells, Gordons,
etc...), were able to forbid any local authority to appear: in that
way they are directly responsible for the appearance of the so-called
"wild hielandmen" because the anarchy fostered the late clan system,
the economy of the cattle raids and the state of ever lasting inter-
clan warfare which predominated from the 15th to the 18th century.
(the instructions of James VI for the education of his eldest son
-who died before him- made differences between the lowlanders who
were to be treated according to the law, the highlanders, who were
to be dealt with by treaties when you couldn't crush them, and the
islanders who were "savages" unfit for civilised behaviour and to
be treated as "wild beasts" - I'm quoting -). Now most of what remains
of the highland culture can be found mostly in the West in the part
of the folklore that dates back to before the forfeiture of the
lordship of the isles (1493 or 1498 if my recollections are correct,
which I wouldn't swear). Some books also survived although they
are very scarce.
Re .2: The portrait you're refering to is of George IV, not George
III and was made during his visit to Edinburgh in 1824
Denis.
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