Conference tallis::celt

Corrupted, but still funny.

A family near Galway was experiencing hard times trying to
pay their rent.  They decided it was best to sell their cow.
So, as the story goes, the farmer and his daughter got their
ass and cart, and tethered the cow to it, and went on their
merry way to Galway.

They reached Galway, and near the end of the day they finally
sold the old cow for fourty pounds.  Delighted as they were,
they headed back home.

Unfortunately, they ran into a bit of misfortune as a group
of bandits stopped them on the country road, stealing everything
they had, the cow, the cart, and ass, and the money.

The farmer lamented to his daughter explaining how her mother
will never forgive them for this, after losing everything they
had.  At which point, the daughter exclaimed they the bandits
didn't take everything.  And out of her mouth she pulled
the forty pounds which she had hid.

At which point her father exclaimed, "Too bad your mother
wasn't with us, we could have saved the ass and cart."

     o
    o8O   George
      \

     
         She wheels her wheelbarrow, through streets that are narrow,
         Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide;
         So where-ever she wheels it,
         The neighborhood feels it,
         Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side.
         
         Now in Dublin fair City, where girls are so pretty,
         My Molly stands out 'cause she weighs eighteen stone;
         I don't mind her fat...but(t) --
         It's not only that...but(t) --
         She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, Molly Malone.

    Technical note:   stone=14lb   18 stone = 252 lb
    Sturdy filly!!!

    Dear Son,
    
      Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive.
    I'm writing th8s slowly because I know that you can't read
    fast.  You won't know the house when you come home, we've 
    moved.
      About your father, he has got a lovely new job.  He has 
    500 men under him, he cuts grass at the cemetery.  Your 
    sister Mary had a baby this morning.  I haven'tn found out
    yet whether its a boy or a girl so I don't know if you've
    an aunt or an uncle.
      I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came
    with me.  The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told
    me not to talk for 10 minutes.  Your father offered to buy
    it from him.
      Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey
    at the Dublin brewery.  Some of his workmates tried to save
    him but he fought them off bravely.  They cremated him and
    it took 3 days to put the fire out.
      It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days then for 
    4 days.  We had a letter from the undertaker.  He said if the
    last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days,
    up she comes.
    
                                   Your loving mother
    
    P.S.  I was going to send you 5 pounds but I have already sealed
    the envalope.

    Paddy the construction worker comes to work in the morning
    and he's wearing a blue and a brown workboot.  His superior
    noting this stops him and says "Hey Paddy, don't you have any other
    shoes to wear?" At which point Paddy responds, "As a matter of a
    fact I have another pair just like these."
    
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Paddy comes to work the next day sporting a big bandage round his
    workboot (the blue one).  His superior asks him "Paddy why'd you
    wearing the bandage.  Well says Paddy, "I was working yesterday
    and a 40 foot steel girder fell on my head and wouldn't you know
    I was standing on a nail."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------
        
    England and France finally have made decisions to build a tunnel
    to link the continent with England (only in the plans since Napoleon).
    Anyhow, they took bids from construction firms in Europe.  Being
    such an involved engineering feat, the bids were in the billions
    except for a odd entry by The Michael and Paddy Construction company,
    their bid was for 50 pounds.
    
    The English thought this was really hilarious and wanted to call
    the company in and have them explain this remarkable bargain.  So
    in came Michael and Paddy to the London office.  The people asked
    them to explain their bid.
    
    Paddy started, "Well as I see it, Michael will start digging a
    big hole in Dover, and meself in Calais, and when we meet in the
    middle we'll be a right finished, should take no more than an
    afternoon. 
    
    At which point one of the French consultants replies "Zis is
    incredible, but what happens if zee don't meet in zee middle?"
    Paddy responds, "No problem, We'll just keep digging until we reach
    the other side, and you'll get two tunnels for the price of one."
    
    (funnier in person!)

    
    
    A Kerryman put all his money on an outsider in the big race.
    "This horse is a dead cert, he explained to a friend, he's starting
    at twenty to one, and the other horses don't start until one o'clock."
    
    
    

    
    
    	A Clareman was taking part in a quiz show.
    	Captain Cook made 3 trips around the world, said the quiz-master,
    	and he died during one of them. Which one ?
    
    	"I don't know much about history", said the Clareman,
    	Couldn't you ask me a question about football instead ?     
    

    
    
    	A Galwayman decided that his eyes were getting weak so he
    	went to have his eyes tested for a new pair of spectacles.
    	"Put your left hand over your right eye" said the optician,
    	but the Galwayman got confused.
    	"All right then", said the optician, "Put your left hand over
    	your left eye", but once again the Galwayman got confused.
    	"Never mind", said the opticain, "I'll fix you up", so he went
    	outside and got a shoebox. He then cut a hole in the left hand
    	side of the box, went back inside, and placed the box over the
    	Galwayman's head. At this the Galwayman started to cry.
    	"What's the matter now" ?  asked the optician.
    	"I thought I was going to get steel frames like my brother",
    	said the Galwayman.

    
    
    	Which is odd man out ?
    
    
    	a. Donald Duck
    	b. An intelligent Mayo man
    	c. The Archbishop of Canterbury
    	d. King Kong
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    	Answer: The Archbishop of Canterbury
    
    	
       (All the others are fictitious characters)

    What is the difference between an Englishman and his photgraph?
    
    
    
    The photograph is fully developed

    Three people in a Quiz....An Irishman, A Scotsman and an Englishman.
    They came to the general knowledge section, and the Quizmaster said
    he would give them the first name of a famous person and they were
    to give him their last name.
    
    He started with the Scotsman...
    
    Quizmaster: "Bonney Prince"
    Scotsman:   "Charlie"
    
    Then the Irishman...
    
    Quizmaster: "Hitler"
    Irishman:   "Adolf"
                        
    Lastly came the Englishman....
    
    Quizmaster: "Ghandi"
    Englishman: (Thinking for a few moments)" Ah...would it be Goosey
                Goosey"!
                                  

    
    
    	A Dublin garda rang up the station and said " A man has been
    	robbed down here and I've got one of them".
    
    	"Which one have you got?" asked the sergeant.
    
    	"The one that's been robbed", said the Dublinman.
    
    
    	keVin
    
    
    	re: .11  "Great Stuff"  :-)

    
    
    	"Do you like Kipling ?" a Tralee man was asked in an interview.
                               
    
    	"I don't know", said the Tralee man, "I've never kippled"

                                                          
    
    
    	keVin

       re .11:
       
       And then there was the story about the Canadian who sometime
       got confused between first and last names...
       
       --Mr Topaz

	A Clareman drinking in a pub was in a very generous mood so
	he invited all his friends to his home in for a meal. When they were
	approaching the house the Clareman went ahead to warm his wife that
	they were coming for dinner.

	You fool, said his wife, I haven't a bite of food in the house. 
	Tell them to go away.

	I can't, said the Clareman, I've already invited them. But I'll tell
	you what we'll do -- I'll go upstairs and you tell them I'm out.

	So the Clareman went upstairs and soon his friends started to knock on 
	the front door. After about half-an-hour his wife finally went to the 
	door and told them all "Go away, my husband is out".

	But we saw him going into the house, and we have been watching the door
	all the time, they protested.

	At this the Clareman stuck his head out the upstairs window and shouted,
	"How do you know I didn't go out by the back door?"



	keVin



	p.s. Mr Topaz ... Pog m� Th�in  ;-)

    Re .14
    
    And then there was the Yank who didn't have a first name.
    
    Gerry Larkin (100% IRISH)
    

    
    				SPECIAL SALE

			   IRISH CHAIN SAW  $3.88
              
 
 
 
 
___________________________________________________.---------.
|               /                                 |          )
|   .----------(___________________________     __|         (
|   |                                      |   |  `---.      \
|   |                                      |   |       \      \
|   |                                      |   |        \      \
|   |                                      |   |         \      \
 \  |      ______    ______    ______      |  /___        \      )
  | | ____/______\__/______\__/______\____ | |/ _/         |    /
  |_|(______)__(______)__(______)__(______)|_| |_          `---'
          \______/  \______/  \______/        \__\
  

    What do you have when you see a skeleton in the cupboard
    of an Irish house?
    
    
    The winner of the last hide-and-seek game :-)
    

    It wouldn't surprise me if this vet fellow Hughes backed Murphy's
    horse once or twice.

    
    
    
    Have you ever considered why Ireland is such a rich country?
    
    
    Ans: Because its capital is always Dublin.
    
    
    And now for a Scottish joke:
    
    Do you know how to tell the weather in Edinburgh?
    
    
    Ans: If you can see the Cairngorms, you know it's going to
    	 rain, and if you can't, then you know it's raining.

Q:  What would you call an imitation stone shaped like a cloverleaf?

A:  A sham rock.

	Apologies...
	Larry

A group of Kerrymen were sitting around O'Toole's doing drugs.
They were sharing the same needle!
Sean from Galway happened upon the scene.
"Hey lads, don't ye know ye're doin' a dangerous thing? Don't ye know ye'll
be catching AIDS?"

"Not to worry, Sean. Not to worry, O'Toole replied."

"We're all wearing condoms"

Father Murphy was priest in a poor parish. He asked for suggestions as to
how to raise money for his church. He was told that horse owners had money.
So he went to a horse auction, but he made a very poor buy, as the horse
turned out to be a donkey. However, he thought he might as well enter the
donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning the 
headlines in the tabloid read:




          FATHER  MURPHY'S  ASS  SHOWS

The Archbishop saw the tabloid and was very displeased. 

The next day the donkey came in first and headlines read:




          FATHER  MURPHY'S  ASS  OUT  IN  FRONT

The Archbishop was up in arms and figured something had to be done. Father
Murphy had entered the donkey for the third time, and it came in second.

Now the headlines read:




           FATHER  MURPHY'S  ASS  BACK  IN  PLACE

The Archbishop thought this was too much.  So he forbade the priest to enter
the donkey the next day, which inspired the editor to write:

   


           ARCHBISHOP  SCRATCHES  FATHER  MURPHY'S  ASS

When the Archbishop read this, he ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet.
Now the headlines read:




           NUN  OWNS  BEST  ASS  IN  TOWN

The Archbishop read this, and he immediately ordered Sister Agatha to dispose
of the animal. She sold it for ten dollars. Next day the headlines read:




            SISTER  AGATHA   PEDDLES  HER  ASS  FOR  TEN  DOLLARS

They buried the Archbishop three days later. 

Hope ye know ye're Irish.

What's an oscillator ??



A Kerryman that eats donkeys !!



Mind you keVin, I've also heard it said of the Banner men !!

I heard this one at the weekend in Kerry. Apologies to any non-Irish
speakers but it doesn't translate.
    
    2 native speakers sitting in a bar in N.I. when in walks a known
    member of the RUC
    
    "Ceapaim go bhfuil an fear seo ins an RUC", arsa S�amus.
    
    
    "N� ceapaim", arsa P�draig.     
    

    question:  What is Irish and stays out at night?
    
    answer:    Paddy O'Furniture
    

    
    
    
    	Serves em' right   !!!!!!!				:-)
    
    
    
    
    
    	keVin
    

	Father Kelly was a young priest who had just arrived at Shannon
	from Rome to be assigned to a small parish in Galway. On the way
	from Shannon to Galway he decided he had better begin to prepare
	his sermon for Sunday. He was having a hard time thinking about
	was he would say. After all he wanted to make an impression.
	Just outside of Ennis he looks up and sees a man in the field
	having a go at a sheep. He's very disturbed but goes back his 
	thinking. While passing Gort he sees another man doing the same
	thing. Now he can't seem to get this disturbing act out of his
	mind. As he rounds a corner in Oranmore he sees a man standing
	in a field near a tree masturbating. My God, he says, I know
	what I must say to my parish this week.
	Sunday comes and the young priest gets up on the pulpit and
	begins to speak.
	" I was contemplating what I should say to you on my up from
	 Shannon yesterday when I came upon a man performing an unnatural
	 act with a sheep and I was disturbed. A little further down
	 the road I saw another man doing the same thing and I was appalled.
	 Then as I approached this fair city I saw a man masturbating himself
	 in the field...."

	From the back of the church came a loud voice.

	That'ld Murphy, father. He's too slow to catch the sheep.

    
    As a native Gortonian - bred, born and starved there - and now
    residing in Holland, it disturbs me to see this type of slander
    on my fellow townies. 
    I wish to refute vehemently the suggestion that Gort people indulge
    in unnatural acts with sheep!!!!
    
    BTW - For future reference, can you provide a detailed description
          of the parties involved - particularly the sheep!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                                                      

    Must be easier for you in Holland, eh ? No mountains to run up.......
    

    As Christmas approached a young lad was wondering about Christmas.
    He said, "Mammy, is Santa Claus a Kerryman"?
    
    Mammy responded, "I don't know love, why do you ask?".

    "Well", says he, "we have 14 windows and 3 doors, and he comes
    down the #%$*&$% chimney."

    This fellow from CLARE was scheduled to go into the hospital
    for apendisitis.
    
    Upon entering the hospital, the nurse asked him "Do you have
    pajamas?"
    
    "No", says he, "I have apendisitis".
    
    Anyhow, having a severe case he had to stay in the hospital for
    several weeks.  He wrote a letter to his mother stating that he
    missed her, her brown bread, and the pot underneath his bed.
    
    His mother showed up immediately after receiving the letter.
    When she saw him she said, "I've come to visit you.  I brought
    you brown bed.  But as for the pot, you always missed that."

    re. .32
                       
    Just wondering, George - were there any Irish Echo photographers
    at Waltham High School on Saturday night (at the comhaltas ceoltoiri)?!
    
    

I heard this joke in the pub last night over a few beers.

Paddy the Irishman,Paddy the Englishman and Paddy the Scotsman
were stranded out in the Sahara desert. They decided to play a
game of 'wish' (ie.they each would wish for one thing and the 
best 'wish' would win.)

So Paddy the Englishman is asked for his wish. And he says 'I
would wish for an umbrella, 'cos it would protect me from the
sun and I could turn it up_side_down to collect water if it 
rained'

They then ask Paddy the Scotsman for his wish and he replies
'I would wish for a blanket...'cos I would protect me from the 
cold at night and stop the sand going up my kilt during a sand 
storm'

Finally Paddy the Irishman is asked for his wish.He thinks for a
while and says ' I would wish for a car door'. The other two look
completly surprised at him and ask 'Paddy, what use would the 
door of a car be to you out here?' Paddy the Irishman turns 
around and says...
    
    'Sure if it got too hot couldn't I let the window down!!!'

    

    O'Shea was being interviewed for a job on a building site,
    and the gaffer said to him, "Now then me fine boy, do yer
    know the difference between a girder and a joist?"
    
    O'Shea thought for a few seconds and replies, "Well, Goethe
    wrote `Faust' and Joyce wrote `Ulysses'.....
    
    
    (Somehow, it sounds better when you tell it)
    
    

Before I tell this yarn I better explain the term 'Lent'. It's a 
religious festival(!) lasting 40 days and a time when all good 
Irish Catholics 'give something up' as a form of penance or self
denial...the story concerns the late great(provided you weren't 
a fianna fail supporter ;-) Alfie Byrne who served a record 
number of terms as Lord Mayor of Dublin...

Alfie was once in the U.S. on a fund raising tour for the under
privileged of Dublin and one of the people he met was Mae West.
So Mae West used her famous saying on Alfie ie. "Come up and see 
me some time,Mr Byrne" to which Alfie replied "I'd love to Miss
West...but it's 'Lent' ya know". Mae West looked Alfie straight 
in the face and said "Well, whenever you get it back, come up 
and see me sometime"!!! 
          
- Dave K.    
    

Newsgroups: soc.culture.celtic
Path: decwrl!scoayr.dec.com!ebyrne
Subject: Smithwicks gag
Posted: 17 Jan 89 08:52:49 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
 
You have to get the accents right.
 
An American post grad is visiting Ireland in the course of her studies 
on anti-semitisim. So she ends up in a bar in Dundalk interviewing some 
of the customers.

Says she to one of the boys "Why do you think some people are anti-semitics ?"
 
The lad scratches his head a bit and replies " Well I suppose it's just that
                they prefer the taste of McCardles
 
 
Eamon..

		Have you read Salman Rushdie's new book ?






	It's called :

				B U D D H A





			     (The big fat bas**rd)

	A Priest was doing mass on Sunday.  He wanted to discuss
	ghosts, since his congregation was very worried about them.
	So he started asking his people:

	"Have any one of you ever heard of a ghost?"
	All the people raise their hands.

	So, he goes on: "Has any one ever heard a ghost?"
	This time, most of the people raise their hands.



	"Has any one of you ever seen a ghost?" he continues.
	The priest sees a few less hands this time.

	The next question he asks is: "Have any one of you ever
	touched a ghost?"
	A handful of people say yes.

	"Has anyone ever had sex with a ghost?"
	One guy in the back aisle raises his hand.

	"YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH A GHOST?!"




      "Oh, sorry, Father", replied the guy.  "I thought you said 'goat'."

    The farmyard animals are not amused.......

       
       
       	Hey Burnsie,
       
       	U.Y.
       
       						me_haul

    Hey I've got to tell ya this...'coz it's true(I know the guy in
    question) and he is always like that...for this story assume his
    name is Mick...it is anyway.!!!
    
    Mick was walking down the main street in Galway one Saturday a few
    years back and was approached by a tinker woman begging. "Any chance
    of a few coppers?" she says. Mick unimpressed keeps on walking.She
    then adds the line "Please Sir...I haven't eaten in 3 days Sir!"
    The bould Mick stops...turns around and after a slight pause replies
    
    
    
    ..."Bejaysus...haven't ya great will power" !!!

    - Dave K.
    

    
    
    
    
       Burns......  You should be ashamed of yourself
    
    paddy

    
    
    
    	Culbert.....	Wipe that smile off your face.
    
    
    	
    
    	keVin
    

These two IRA men take over a house in Belfast that a certain RUC
landrover passes every evening a 7pm. They plant 10 lbs of SEMTEX in
a garbage bin at the side of the road. They connect up the detonator
and lay in wait inside the house ready to activate. Well 7pm passes
and no sign of the RUC landrover. after about half an hour of waiting
one IRA man anxiously says to the other...



"Bejaysus,Paddy...they are late...I hope nothing happened to them!"

Truly explosive!!!

    Are the Cliffs of Mohair where all the sweaters come from?
    

Claremen are quite inventive, while in Ireland recently I heard that
a man from Ballyvaughan had taken out patents on:




	an inflatable dart board, and







	a solar-powered flashlight.



Pat

    Why do they call an Irish Pound a 'PUNT"
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Because it rythms with 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    'Bank Manager'
    
    Gerry

    Gerry, you silly old punt!

    
    2 old timers in a house in Belfast reading the papers. One is reading
    "The Sun". He takes one looking at the headlines and says to his mate
    "Pat I cant believe what this paper is writing about British soldiers.
    The Sun is supposed to be on their side, int it"
    
    "what do ye mean Mick?"
    
    
    
    
   " Well the headline reads:
    
    
    IRA ARE MURDERING SCUMBAGS!!!!"  
    
    
    
    
    Des

This dog walks into the local employment office and asks the bloke behind the 
counter if he has any work. The bloke says "Ya, no worries. Come back 
tomorrow and I'll see what I can do". The dog leaves and the bloke 
rings the local circus and tells them about the talking dog. The circus 
owner is delighted and tells him to send the dog over.

The next day the dog walks in and says "How did ya get on ?". The bloke says 
"Great - I got you a job over at the circus. Go over and see the 
ringmaster, you start immediately".

"THE CIRCUS", exclaimed the dog,



"What the f*%k would THEY want with a bricklayer".

    What's the definition of a well balanced Irishman?
    
    
    
    
    One with a chip on each shoulder.
    
    ;-)
    

    
    This bus goes into the Quay's pub and asks for a pint of Smithwicks.
    The barman takes one look at it and tells it to get out of the bar just
    as 2 other buses comes in. One of the buses asked with great
    trepidation for 2 pints of Guinness. "No problem" says the barman.
    Still not believing their luck one of them , after paying for the
    pints, decides to ask the barman what was wrong with the 1st
    unfortunate bus?
    
    
    
    ..and the barman replies "Dont ask me, I'm not a bloody mechanic am I"
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
    It was well after the publican had called outfor the last time, 
    "Time Now, Gents!"
    Two Irishmen at the bar, one from Dublin and one from CORK, were finally 
    finishing up their pints of Murphy's Real Irish Stout (;^>), when the Dub 
    turns to the CORKman and says:
    
    "Jasus, this is the time of night I hate."
    
    "Why is that?" asked the CORKman.
    
    "Well, because, when I get home, no matter how quietly I sneak in
    trying to get up stairs to bed, me wife always hears me. Even if I take
    of my shoes, and tiptoe in, she hears me. Then she gets up, and gives
    me holy hell for hours for bein' out so late."
    
    "Well, there's your problem, right there," said the CORKman. "You're
    going about it the wrong way!"
    
    "How do you do get home without any problems?" asked the Dub.
    
    "It's easy! First thing I do, when I get home is make as much noise as
    I can. I slam the front door closed. I bang up the stairs as loudly as
    I possibly can. Then, I throw open the bedroom door, turn on the light
    and say as loudly as possible,
    
      'C'mon honey, let's make love 'til the cows come home!!'
    
    She pretends to be asleep for the rest of the night!"
    
    I swear I overheard this in "The Pig & Whistle" in Cork city! ;^>

    Michael, the town drunk falls out of a pub in Loughrea (Brogan's I
    think it was) and lands at the foot of the local Parish Priest. The PP
    looks down at Michael in despair and says to him:
    
    "Drunk again Michael!"
    
    Micheal looks up through his one good eye and replies
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "So am I Father"

	 Tadgh took a correspondence course in body building and
	 finished in three months. He wrote to the school: 'I 
	 have now finished the course. Please send on the 
	 muscles by return.'

	===============================================================

	Mrs Mulligan was delighted with the letter from her son who
	had emigrated to London.

	'He has a great job,' she boasted to her neighbours. 'The
	best. He's working in a crematorium burning Englishmen and
	getting paid for it.'

    I heard the following comparison between Irish people and Americans.
    I won't comment on how true it is but I found it amusing.
    
    ----------------- ------------------- ----------------- ------------
    
    An American walks by this large house on the hill which obviously
    belongs to someone very wealthy and says "Someday I'm going to get a 
    house like him".
    
    
    The Irishman walks past the same house, looks at it and says 
    
    
    
    	"Someday I'm going to get that bastard".
    
    

    The following is reputed to be a true story, but sure are'nt they
    all...
    
    An 11yr old in Cork was out walking the family Dobermann, when suddenly
    the hound turned nasty and attacked the child. A passerby tackled the
    dog and killed it with his bare hands, saving the child. The entire 
    incident was witnessed by a hack from the local daily paper, the Cork 
    Examiner. The reporter ran over and began to interview the man, telling 
    him he would give him a write-up as a hero. The reporter asked the man his 
    name, "William Paisley of the 1st Orange Lodge, Lisburn" the man replied
    proudly. Having got all the details they went their separate ways.
    
    The next morning Willaim Paisley ran out to buy the Examiner and see
    his name in the paper, only to be confronted with the headline "Orangeman
    Strangles Child's Pet"

    
    
   Q. 	Do you know the difference between a Bodhran and a trampoline ??
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    A. You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline !!!
    

    PBS-TV is showing a 1-hour special of comedian Mark Russel in Ireland. 
    In the Boston area it will be on channel 2 this Wednesday at 8 p.m.
    

    It looks like Irish night on PBS.  After Mark Russel is a Irish
    Heritage Show, then from 10-11  a program on the troubles in the North.
    I'll look up the details tonight.
    
    Julie
    
    

    Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Englishman and Paddy the Scotsman were
    walking through the desert when they spotted Saddam and his entourage
    comming towards them. As they searched desperately for a place to hide
    they spotted three sacks lying nearby. they decided to hide in the
    sacks.
    
    When Saddam approached the sacks he asked his guard what was in them.
    The guard kicked the first one with Paddy the Englishman in it....
    
    Woof...Woof.. said Paddy.
    It's only a dog the guard said to Saddam.
    
    The guard kicked the second sack which contained Paddy the Scotsman...
    
    Meeow....Meeow....said Paddy
    It's only a cat said the guard.
    
    The guard came to the last sack containing Paddy the Irishman and
    kicked it....
    
    
    Potatoes....Potatoes..... says Paddy.

    Paddy goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the Golden Gate.
    
    "So Paddy" says Peter " What have you done during your life on earth."
    
    "Well" said Paddy " I blew up a few British Soldiers and some buildings
    in Belfast."
    
    "Sorry" said Peter " but there's no way you can come in here with that
    track record."
    
    "Come in?" said Paddy. "I don't want to come in. I'm just here to let you 
    know that you have ten minutes to clear the joint"

    
    
    	Gerry: Did you find one of those Kerryman Joke Books again  ?? :-)
    
    
    
    	keVin
    

<<Kerryman Joke 
    
    That's either an oxymoron, or it's redundant!
    
    Pat
    

A tourist(lets say he's British!) was touring Kerry for a couple
of weeks.  He's having lots of fun but as time goes on he gets
perplexed and infuriated by his inability to get a 'straight
answer' from any of the locals.  On the last day of his holidays
he's driving by the local Post Office and notices an old guy leaning 
against the front door.  Thinking to himself: "I've got this fellow;
there's no way he can avoid giving a straight answer to my
question."

So he gets out of the car, crosses the road to the Post Office and
asks the old man:  

"Is this a Post Office?"

To which our friend replies:

"Is it a stamp you want?"
                                                                    

In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Bill Lawson) writes:

     This is my grandmother's favorite joke, as evidenced by the two minutes
it took her to stop laughing long enough to deliver the punch line.  She got
it from her mother, Nellie Creed Hyde.


     Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London
street corner near an irish lady.
     "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year", said one.
     "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there!
It would be awful."
     "Dear me!", said the first lady.  "Well where are you going?"
     "Salisbury", she replied.
     "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!", the first objected.
     At this point the irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.
     "Why don't ye go t' hell", she suggested.  "There be no Irish there!"

 
<forwards deleted> 
 
 
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman  screaming 
and  detects a faint  smell of burning in the air.  He runs down the street 
and  around a corner  and sees a huge group of people  standing  watching a 
blazing  building.  On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a 
bundle to here chest, is leaning out of a window  screaming  for someone to 
save her baby. 
 
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman,  "Throw down your baby and 
I'll catch it!" 
 
"No!  No!", the woman shouts back.  "You might miss or drop my baby and the 
she'll be killed!" 
 
"No I won't!",  shouts the man.  "I am Alec  Maguire.  I'm the goal  keeper 
for Ireland's  national  football [soccer] team.  I've never missed a match 
in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net." 
 
"What?  Not once?", calls the woman. 
 
"No!", shouts back the man.  "Not once.  Every football player in the world 
agrees that I am the best goal keeper  there has ever been". 
 
And with that he adopts the classic  goal  keepers  stance - legs apart and 
sightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with 
his arms  stretched  downwards  at a slight  angle away from his body, with 
palms facing forward. 
 
"OK!",  screams  the  woman.  "I'll  trust  you.  I've no  choice!  Here she 
comes!" 
 
So, with the flames  roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from 
the window.  However,  the edge of the baby's  shawl  catches on the womans 
watch  with the  result  that the  child  goes  spinning  off to one  side, 
tumbling  head over heels and with her little arms and legs  flailing.  The 
woman  screams  and the crowd  gasps,  all sure  that the baby will  perish 
because she will fall out of reach of the man. 
 
The man remains  motionless  as the child  descends,  spinning and tumbling 
further and further away from him as she comes.  Then when the baby is only 
feet from  hitting  the  ground  the man  dives a full 30 feet  across  the 
pavement [sidewalk], catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls 
her in towards his chest and  sheilds  her body with his left hand and arm. 
He hits the  ground  heavily on his right side and lies  motionless  on the 
pavement for a hew  seconds.  Then,  slowly, he raises  himself to his feet 
and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.  The 
crowd is awe-struck 
 
Then the crowd errupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger  herself, 
nearly faints with relief.  The man, still clutching the child to his chest 
in his right  arm, waves to the crowd of  onlookers  to  acknowledge  their 
appreciation.  Then,  slowly  and  gracefully,  he turns  away  from  them, 
bounces the baby twice on the ground  then kicks  [punts] her 60 yards down 
the road. 

    
    I was waiting for the part where the SAS showed up to do some
    baby-killing. 

    Mr Moderator,
    
    Please delete the previous note, as it's inference is offensive, and
    has no place in this topic. 
    
    Or move it to another topic more suitable, where it's conotations
    can be discussed with less offense to those expecting notes on Irish
    humour.
    
    Taff...

    
    Re .72 Taff
    
    >Or move it to another topic more suitable, where it's conotations
    >can be discussed with less offense to those expecting notes on Irish
    >humour.
    
    The problem is though, that Chris thinks that .71 is humour. When
    you're here for a while, you'll get used to him ;').
    
    Denis.

    
    Well I don't mind if it gets moved (or even deleted). After all Mark is
    a well known humorist. There's a valid point to be made for leaving
    his contributions untrammelled.
    

    Now we return to our normal programming.....
    
    After the Gulf War, the contract to put out the Oil fires was tendered
    across the World....
    
    The Kuwaitis received two tenders. The first from Red Adair: $20
    Million to extinguish all the fires.
    
    THe second was from Patrick O'Donnell and Sons, Scartaglen, Co Kerry,
    Ireland: $100 the lot..,
    
    The Kuwaitis who were a bit strapped for cash decided that they'd give
    O'Donnell a chance, as he was such good value.
    
    So they called him up and he told them he'd be there in two days. So
    the Kuwaitis, knowing how important the job was decided to have an official
    welcome for him, they decided to set up a reception tent and rolled out 
    the red carpet. 
    
    About two hours before O'Donnell was due to arrive, a cloud of dust
    appeared on the horizon out of the desert and slowly got bigger and
    bigger. As it approached, the Kuwaitis were speculating as to the kind
    of hi-tech gear O'Donnell would use to put out the fire. The dust cloud
    loomed ominously. 
    
    The cloud approached the reception area, when out of it appeared a lone
    jeep, doing the ton, easy, across the desert. It sped straight past the
    reception and right into the middle of the fire. Out of the jeep jumped four
    fine strapping lads, into the middle of the fire. They started stamping
    on the flames all round them. A few hours later they crawled out of
    the smoke, the fires all out.
    
    The Kuwaitis helped them to their feet and identified them as O'Donnell
    & Sons. Handing over the $100 cheque, the Kuwaitis said, "Well Pat, how
    are you going to spend the money". To which he replied:
    

    
    "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is get the brakes on the F***ing
    jeep fixed....
     

Joe,

	Your damaging the ozone layer over New Hampshire - stop before it's too
late !

Cheers,
	Brendan

    
    And a bit more respect too, it's MR. O'Donnell to you ;')
    
    Denis.

    >>"Well, the first thing I'm going to do is get the brakes on the F***ing
    >>jeep fixed....
    
    You can hear and see this story being told in the IMAX movie entitled
    "The Fires of Kuwait" and again in the television documentary called
    "The Lessons of Darkness".  It was originally told by a crew member of
    Red Adair's team.
    
    Still funny.
    
    Pat

    Did you hear about the new diapers that have come out?  They contain a
    moisture activated microchip that crys out "Change me".
    
    It's called a 
    
    
    
                              Nappy You Hear
    
    

    
    What's the difference between the road to Cavan and a packet of
    cigarettes ?
    There's more tar in a packet of cigarettes.
    
    
    Dublin has a new mail sorting office to replace its Sheriff St. office.
    It's been nicknamed the "Betty Ford clinic" by one of its workers,
    because its too far to the nearest pub.

An Irish walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits
in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.  The
bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time."  The Irishman replies, "Well,
you see, I have two brothers.  One is in America, the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin.  When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days when we drank together."  The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.  One day, he comes in an
orders two pints.  All the other regulars notice and fall silent.  When he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss."  The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughes.  "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine.  I'm just
off the liquor."

Beavis & Butthead humour more like.

    Gerry Adams phones his Noraid contacts in the US and asks for more guns
    for the boys . "What do you want... buns" the answer came back .
    "Naw... guns" he says , "Nuns !!!" the surprised voice replies , Adams
    then says "Nawwww .....GUNS , G for Geesus , U for Unions , N for Nickers 
    and S for Seltic" 

    An Irish bloke with no arms walks into a pub and says to the first guy
    he sees "Do you want a game of darts ?"
    
    The other bloke laughs and says "Darts ?  Are you joking ??"
    
    The guy with no arms says "I'll show you, ya smart &^%*.  Stick that
    dart in my mouth."
    
    The other bloke picks up a dart, and puts in the Irish guy's mouth.
    
    "Right," says the guy with no arms..
    
    "Chuck the board at me"

    Heard in a pub in Spiddal between two auld fella's:
    
    Micheal, how many children do you have now?
    
    Oh, 14, Pat.
    
    Isn't it time you tied a knot in it, Micheal.

    I would, Pat, if I could get it soft long enough!

    A blind pig met a blind dog, neither of which knew what they were
    themselves. After a bit of discussion  the Dog says to the Pig "sure
    why don't we figure out what each other is and solve the problem that
    way". "Fair enough", says the Pig, "I'll go first".
    
    So the Pig starts to sniff the Dog. " Well, you have a wet nose on a
    fairly long snout, two pointy ears, four legs, hair all over and a big 
    bushy tail, do you know, but I think you're a dog!". 
    
    "Well that's brilliant" says the Dog, "that's just what I always wanted
    to be. Now let me have a sniff of you."
    
    "Well you have a short flat nose, a squiggly little tail, short little
    legs, little beady eyes, very little hair and a big fat belly on you,
    do you know I think you're...
    
    
    Ted Kennedy!"
    
    Or the West of Ireland version:
    
    Markeen Killilea!!
                                               

    And here's another one from keVin Burns.  For those of ye who
    missed the WILD Celt Christmas party.
    
    "Why is a Corkman like a computer?"
    
    
    You have to punch information into both of them!!!
    

    
    
    RE: -1
    
    **WILD Celt Christmas party.
    
    And just what do you mean by that?   Do you have any 'comments'
    for the organizing committee?  :^)
    
    /jen
    

    Ah you beat me to it Bernard :v)
    
    Hey next time we should meet at a bigger venue. There was
    hardly enough room for anyone to sit down. I met so many 
    Digital people I don't remember who was who.
    
    What's a Corkman?
    A Kerryman with shoes.
    (I'm allowed to make fun of myself :v)
    
    /g
                                         

    This isn't a joke but really the height of madness....
    
    As you may have heard we now have pretty heavy drink-driving laws 
    ..ie you can have one pint and thats about it...(no harm in at and
    it simply brings us into line with the rest of the EC...(ie where we
    get all our money from -)
    
    On sunday the Radio were interviewing police who had criss-crossed the
    city with checkpoints...(In dublin at the moment you would be crazy to
    even think of drink-driving). Anyway they were saying how most people
    took taxis or busess..they caught the odd couple who were seen swerving
    around..easy to spot.
    
    They picked up one guy who was all over the road..They gave him the
    test and he had more alchol than blood..they reckoned close to 15
    pints. However what made it worse was he had just been released from
    hospital and was driving with a broken leg!!!!!!!!!!.....
    
    ..and to make it even worse he was using his crutchs to manipulate the
    pedals  ie brakes etc etc...His excuse was he was tfeeling depressed.
    
    (i have heard of a chap in belfast who was caught steering a car with
    a vice-grip...Ie someone stole his steering weel and dashboard...but
    using a crutch to control the brakes
    
    
    Mick
    

    From a Dublin car park attendant (after paying him in Sterling)
    
    Why is Irish currency called a Punt?
    
    Because it rhymes with a "Bank Manager" !!!! 
    
    Gareth

    
    -)..good one
    

    
    
    
    
    
    
"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, 
not screaming in terror like his passengers."

Paraphrased without permission from the book, Internet Secrets by 
John R. Levine and Carol Baroudi

or a dublin bus drivers wake! -)

    
    Had this little joke told to me by a Scotsman:
    
    There was an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman who all wanted to 
    go to see the Olympic games.  The managed to get to the right place but
    found they had no money to pay their way into the events.
    
    Baker, the Englishman, got a brilliant idea.  He found a long pole,
    tucked it under his arm and approched the competitors' gate.  With
    utter confidence he said "Baker.  Great Britain.  Pole Vault." and the
    guards let him pass.
    
    The Scots thought for a moment, went over to a local street, pulled up
    a man hole cover, tucked it under his arm and approached the
    competitors' gate.   He snarled at the guard "McGregor.  Scotland.
    Discus."
    
    The Irishman was stumped.  He thought and thought and finally had an 
    idea.  He went over to a nearby field, pulled up the barb wire, rolled
    it up and somewhat painfully tucked it under his arm and approached the
    competitors' gate where he smuggly said, 
    
    "Murphy.  Ireland.  FENCING"  :^)
    
    /jen

 re .97

 No Jen, you got it all wrong.

 It was Hugh Grant, the Englishman, got a brilliant idea.  He put on
 some swim trunks, and approched the competitors' gate.  With utter
 confidence he said, "Grant. Great Britain. I'll be diving in the
 shallow end of the gene pool, with the hopes of improving Britain's 
 chances." and the American guardsthrew him out.

.98,

ooh, did .97 touch a raw nerve then?  Poor little Mark's all upset now.

Chris.

    And then there was the two Englishmen who worked along with an
    Irishman as steeplejacks. One day Paddy fell to the ground from 100
    feet up and lay dead on the ground.
    
    They immediately climbed down to the ground and were asked by the
    police if they new the casualty.
    
    Well now they said we don't actually know him but we know something
    which may help to identify him.
    
    Oh. said the policeman and what would that be.
    
    Well we believe that he has two ass-holes.
    
    And how to you know that asked the policeman.
    
    Well said the two Englishmen, every day we go to the pub for lunch with
    Paddy and everyday the bar man says " Ah. here comes Paddy with the two
    ass-holes"!!!!!
    

    "....Father Michael was walking thru the forest when he heard someone
    call....
    
    Hey Father..Father!..
    
    ..he looked around but he couldn't see who called and so started
    walking again and the call came again..
    
    Hey Father..Father!..
    
    Father Michael looks down and sees this frog looking up at him....
    
    'Did you just call out my name?....  
    
    'Yeah, it was me' said the frog....
    
    'How come you can speak?...Father Michael asked the frog....
    
    'Well I'm a 9 year old boy really, and the only way that I can be
    turned back into a boy is if I sleep at the end of someone's bed for a
    night'....said the frog....
    
    ....so after some convincing Father Michael agreed to let the frog sleep at
    the end of his bed that night, and sure enough next morning a naked 9
    year old boy was lying at the bottom of Father Michael's bed....
    
    ....and that, your honour, concludes the case for the defense.... 

    re: .102
    
    That's pretty sick, and not even funny.
    
    :-(
    
    Gerry

    
    	Speak for yourself.  I liked it.
    

re .102

On a par with .101 but I don't see any complaints
about that one.

Simon

    re: 104
    
    I am speaking for myself.

    
    	Well, you said it was not funny.
    
    	Had you been speaking for yourself, you should have said "I don't
    	think it's funny".
    

    
    Is Gerry speaking for someone else these days?
    
    Reminds me of recent Seinfeld show where George began
    speaking in the third person about himself. 
    
    ;v)

    re .107
    
    I dont' claim to speak on anyones behalf except my own. However if this
    makes you happy.....'I THINK it is pretty sick and not even funny'
    
    Happy now.
    
    Gerry

    
    	Ecstatic.  Carry on.
    
    	8^)
    

    
    	I haven't stopped laughing yet !!! :>)

    Paddy, Jock and David, ( I'll keep to Celtic names so as not to offend our 
    Anglo Saxon listeners), went for an interview for the Garda Siochana
    and were being interviewed in a Hotel in O'Connell St.
    
    Jock the Scotsman went through the interview but at the end the interviewer 
    asked him;
    "count you name someone who had been involved in the killing of
    Our Lord".
    
    "Now that's a hard one" said Jock
    
    Thought for a moment and said
    
    " Well I think there was a man named Judas who had something to do with
    it"
    
    "Very good" came the reply " pick up your uniform and start traffic
    duty in O'Connell St. immediately.
    
    Next came David the Welshman and he also went through the interview
    very well but agin was asked " Name someone who was involved in the
    death of Our Lord".
    
    "A difficult one " said David " but I believe that someone named Herod
    had something to do with it."
    
    "Excellent you can pick up your uniform and go and direct traffic in
    O'Connell St."
    
    Next came Paddy and again he did very well but again came the question,
    
    Name someone who was involved in the killing of Our Lord.
    
    "Now that's a very hard one" said Paddy and he thought and he thought.
    
    Eventually the interviewer asked him to go into another room while he
    thought it out.
    
    While in the room he spotted David and Jock directing traffic in
    O'Connell St and called out to them.
    
    "I see you two got a job then"
    
    "Aye!" said Jock
    
    " And how did your interview go " said David
    
    " Oh " said Paddy " I'm destined for great things. Sure they have me on
    a murder case already"     

Very funny I like it...

One I heard goes..



Why is Irish humour so stupid...?





























So the rest of the world can understand

    Jock,Paddy and David having got fed up with the Garda headed back to
    the building sites and one day Jock called David and Paddy aside and
    said:
    
    'Have you noticed that everyday before lunch the foreman always comes to
    us and says " If everythings ok lads I'll see you tomorrow", and off he
    goes and we don't see him again until the morning. Now why can't we
    leave as soon as he is clear of the site and have a half day as well.'
    
    So next day sure enough the foreman goes through the same routine and
    the lads go their seperate ways:
    
    Jock to the Pub
    
    David to the betting shop
    
    and Paddy goes home. On entering the house he hears a noise upstairs
    and goes to investigate only to find the foreman in a compromising
    position with Paddy's wife. So he leaves unseen.
    
    Next day again at lunch time Jock says well lads same again today?
    
    "Not likely" says paddy, 
    
    "I nearly got caught yesterday!!"

Subj:	BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various
church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
   downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
   Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
   church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
   milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing,
   "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
   All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his
   study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
    an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with, "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
    will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
    new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come 
    forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can
    be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
    will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Ok, I couldn't resist posting this one... It kind of makes up for   
    all those Fawlty Towers episodes with the inept Irish carpenter. ;v) ;v) 
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
Subj:	FWD: Chicken Delight
{Forwards deleted}

A true story.....

  The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
  They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead
  chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it.  If the
  windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a
  bird during flight.

  The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train
  faster than any before it.  They were not sure that its windshield was
  strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it
  to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead
  chicken, and fired.  The bird went through the windshield, broke the
  engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

  They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check
  the test to see if everything was done correctly.  The FAA checked
  everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a
  thawed chicken.

    from keVin
    Seen on the Internet ..........................

          
          
          I got off the plane at Shannon Airport in County Clare, 
          Ireland, and noticed two clocks at either end
          of the main lobby. But the clocks disagreed, by about five 
          minutes. I mentioned this discrepancy to a
          baggage handler, and he wasted no time teaching me an 
          important lesson in creative thinking. 
          
          "If they both gave the same time," he said, "we wouldn't 
          need two clocks, now, would we?"