Conference starch::singles

7578.0. "Lack of single men now a federal case (humor)" by DELNI::RCN42A::Nusbaum (Equipment is our middle name) Thu May 22 1997 18:10

[forwarded by a single female friend outside of Digital]

  ----------------------  Editorial ---------------------------------
  
  Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 11:14:25 -0400
   
  WASHINGTON, DC--Environmentalists and
  frustrated unmarried women everywhere reacted
  with approval to Tuesday's announcement that the
  EPA has placed good single men--rapidly
  disappearing in these non-romantic modern
  times--on the Endangered Species List.
   
        As an endangered species, good
  single men will be housed in specially designated Federal Man
  Preserves across the U.S., where they will be tagged and closely
  monitored by park rangers and EPA officials.
   
        "Our agency's research indicates that a good,
  single man is hard to find," EPA administrator
  Carol Browner said. "If you look around, you'll
  find that almost all the good ones are either gay or
  married."
   
        U.S. Sen. Jim Jeffords (R-VT), co-sponsor of the 1997
  Congressional Endangered Species Act, agreed.
   
        "Most of the guys out there today are real jerks," Jeffords
  said. "You go to a bar and meet a guy, and he buys you a drink,
  and he's nice to you. But sooner or later you realize he only
  wants one thing--to get into your pants."
   
        The 68-year-old senator, whose biological clock is ticking
  "louder than ever," then displayed a new "Save The Males" T-shirt,
  recently purchased at Gifts 'n' Stuff in a nearby mall.
   
        In order to facilitate the continued preservation and
  availability of good single men, the EPA has created an elite
  Man-Finding Task Force, consisting of relationship experts like
  cartoonist Cathy Guisewite, radio personality Dr. Laura
  Schlesinger and former television star Thea Vidale.
   
        "Now listen, honey," the sassy Vidale told reporters,
  swinging her head in a thrusting gesture from side to side and
  wagging an index finger to punctuate her points. "Finding a
  good single man is like looking for a long-tailed cat in a
  room full of rocking chairs."
   
        She then burst into laughter and shouted to news cameras,
  hoping to get the attention of any good single man who might be
  in the range of the broadcast: "Yo, baby! If you can hear me,
  come and get me, baby. I ain't gettin' any younger waitin'!"
   
        But despite EPA efforts to revive the species, good
  single men are expected to remain extremely rare.
   
        "The odds of meeting a single man on any given day is
  1 in 300," EPA spokesperson Marianne Kjell said. "Even lower
  are the chances of meeting a single man with a job. Lower still
  are the chances of meeting a single man with a job who doesn't
  drink, weigh 500 pounds or live with his parents. And when one
  computes the chances of meeting such a man on a day when you've
  actually done your hair and make-up, well, the odds are about
  one in a billion."
   
        Kjell added that most studies show that women have a
  better chance of being hit by a meteor than finding a good man
  after age 35.
   
        When asked by a reporter where she thought all the good
  single men were hiding, Kjell responded, "If I knew that, I'd
  be there right now!"
   
        She then hugged fellow EPA official Julie Watkins and
  headed off to a singles cruise.