Conference rusure::nintendo

629.0. "Dave Barry On NINTENDO!" by BCSE::WEIER (Patty, DTN 381-0877) Sat Apr 20 1991 16:26

			NINTENDO NUMBNESS

	by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist

	Copied without permission from The Boston Sunday Globe


OK, I bought my child a Nintendo video-game system.  I realize I should not
admit this.  I realize the Child Psychology Police may arrest me for getting my
child a mindless addictive antisocial electronic device instead of a
constructive old-fashioned educational toy such as an Erector Set.  Well, let me
tell you something:  All my childhood friends had Erector Sets, and although I
am not proud of this, I happen to know for a fact that, in addition to the
recommended educational projects such as the Truck, the Crane and the
Carrousel, it was possible to build the Bug Pulper, the Worm Extender and the
Gears of Pain.

And speaking of pain, you have no idea how hard my son made my life before I
caved in and bought Nintendo.   The technique he used was Power Wistfulness. 
Remember the old comic strip Dondi, starring the little syndicated orphan boy
who always looked heartbreakingly sad and orphanous and never got adopted,
possibly because he had eye sockets the size of manhole covers?  Well, my son
looked like that.  He'd start first thing in the morning, standing around with
Dondi-like eyes, emitting armor-piercing wistfulness rays and sighing over the
fact that he was the only child outside of the Third World who didn't have
Nintendo.  Pretty soon I'd be weeping all over my toast, thinking how tragic it
was - my own son, an orphan - until finally I just had to go to the Toys "R"
Approximately a Third of the Gross National Product store, because, after all,
we're talking about a child's happiness here, and you can't put a price tag
on...What?  It costs how much?  What does it do for that kind of money? 
Penetrate Soviet airspace?

No, really, it's worth every penny.  I know you've probably read a lot of
articles by leading Child Psychologists (defined as "people whose children
probably wet the bed through graduate school") telling you why Nintendo is a
bad thing, so let me discuss some of the benefits:

BENEFIT NO. 1 - Nintendo enables the child to develop a sense of self-worth by
mastering a complex, demanding task that makes his father look like a total
goober.

The typical Nintendo game involves controlling a little man who runs around the
screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile
forces try to kill him; in other words, its exactly like real life.  When I
play, the little man becomes highly suicidal.  If he can't locate a hostile
force to get killed by, he will deliberately swallow the contents of a little
electronic Valium bottle.  So all my games end instantly, whereas my son can
keep the little man alive  through several presidential administrations.  He is
always trying to cheer me up by saying "good try, Dad!" in the same sincerely
patronizing voice that I once used to praise him for not getting peas in his
hair.  What is worse, he gives me Helpful Nintendo Hints that are far too
complex for the adult mind to comprehend.  Here's a verbatim example: "OK,
there's Ganon and miniature Ganon and there's these things like jelly beans and
the miniature Ganon is more powerfuller, because when you touch him the flying
eagles come down and the octopus shoots red rocks and the swamp takes longer."

And the hell of it is, I know he's right.

BENEFIT NO. 2 - Nintendo strengthens the community.  

One evening, I got an emergency telephone call from our next-door neighbor,
Linda, who said, her voice breathless with urgency: "Is Robby there?  Because
we just got Gunsmoke [a Nintendo game], and we can't get past the horse."  Of
course I notified Robby immediately.  "It's the Liebmans," I said.  "They just
got Gunsmoke, and they can't get past the horse."  He was out the door in
seconds, striding across the yard, a Man on a Mission.  Of course he got them
past the horse.  He can get his man all the way to the bazooka.  My man dies
during the opening credits.

BENEFIT NO. 3 - When a child is playing Nintendo, the child can't watch regular
television.

Recently on the local news, one relentlessly personable anchorwoman was telling
us about a murder at a Pizza Hut, and when she was done, a relentlessly
personable anchorman got a frowny look on his face, shook his head sadly, and
said - I am not making this quotation up - "A senseless tragedy, and one that I
am sure  was unforeseen by the victims involved."

I don't want my child exposed to this.

BENEFIT NO. 4 - A child who is playing Nintendo is a child who is probably not
burping as loud as he can.  

I mention this only so I can relate the following true exchange I witnessed
recently between a mother and her 8-year-old son:

	SON:  Burp. Burp.  Burp.  Burp. Burp.  Burp.  Bu...
	MOTHER:  Stop burping!
	SON:  But Mom, it's my hobby.

So, Mr. and Ms. Child Psychologist, don't try to tell me that Nintendo is so
terrible, OK?  Don't tell me it makes children detached and aggressive and
antisocial.  In fact, don't tell me anything.  Not while the octopus is
shooting these rocks.


    

Thanks for this note, I loved it!

>antisocial.  In fact, don't tell me anything.  Not while the octopus is
>shooting these rocks.
Octopus oil ?

BK

    
    I believe that Dave B. is referring to Octorocks in The Legend of
    Zelda.
    
    Ron.