Conference rusure::math

Instead of

	...went to the hospital

shouldn't that be

	...went to L'Hospital

(someone please correct my spelling, but I'm sure there was
a "L'Hospital's rule" in my EE days, something do do with LaPlace transforms?)

/Eric

    Spelling fine but L'Hospital's rule has to do with 0/0 limits and
    similar cases.
    
    Chuck

     re spelling:
     
     I thought one of the letters had an ^ over it, and I'm not
     sure the "s" should be there.
     
     Dan

    re .3
    
    The "s" should be there.  It is correct in English writing to delete
    special foreign symbols except when well known alternate spellings
    are available (like inserting an "e" in place of the umlaut).
    
    Chuck

    Guillaume Fran�ois Antoine de L'Hospital, marquis de Sainte-Mesme.

	re .4 & .5

		You're both right: In older forms of French, the
		circumflex was used; in later times it was replaced
		with an explicit "s".  The good marquis himself
		probably used the circumflex...

Path: ryn.esg.dec.com!shlump.nac.dec.com!decuac!haven!purdue!mailrus!iuvax!rutgers!ucsd!ucbvax!agate!shelby!polya!Gang-of-Four.Stanford.EDU!ilan
From: [email protected] (Ilan Vardi)
Newsgroups: sci.math
Subject: What if?
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 5 Sep 89 23:50:43 GMT
Reply-To: [email protected] (Ilan Vardi)
Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University
Lines: 4

Q. What would have happened if  Ramanujan had a symbolic algebra system
   like Mathematica or Macsyma?

A. He would have sent Hardy e-mail. 

[This has been around a lot. -- Dan]
        
From:	ERIS::CALLAS "Talk t'me later; I wanna dance.  08-Sep-1989 1626"  8-SEP-1989 16:45:57.28
To:	FOLKSTAR::
CC:	
Subj:	A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting

[The first I ever saw of this was in "A Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening
Gown," a nice little book of amusing scientific essays dating from the
mid-to-late '50s. The computer science methods were not there. I don't know if
it ever appeared in the JIR, but SASEG predates the JIR by a number of years.
-- jdc]



Subject: how to catch a lion
Date: 19 Jul 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [email protected]
Reply-Path: walkuere.altair.fr!ji
 
I found this some time ago in my mailbox. I'm not certain of its
origins, but it's a good one. It looks like something that might have
appeared in the JIR (Journal of Irreproducible Results) but I don't
have all the back issues with me to check. 
 
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
=============================================================
 
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
 
1. Mathematical Methods
 
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
 
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert.  After that
we introduce the following logical system:
   Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
   Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a
	    lion in the cage.
   Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
	      "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
   Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
 
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
 
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside.  We then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then
the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.
 
1.3 The projective geometry method
 
Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.
 
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
 
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is
in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to
west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.
 
1.5 The set theoretical method
 
We observe that the desert is a separable space.  It therefore
contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a
sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in
this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.
 
1.6 The Peano method
 
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.
 
1.7 A topological method
 
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then
completely helpless.
 
1.8 The Cauchy method
 
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider
the integral
 
	   1    [   f(z)
	------- I --------- dz
	2 \pi i ] z - \zeta
 
	        C
 
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].
 
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
 
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this lion somewhere
in the desert.  L_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)
 
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
 
2.1 The Dirac method
 
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert.  Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.
 
2.2 The Schroedinger method
 
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage.  Sit and wait.
 
2.3 The nuclear physics method
 
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild lion.
 
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.
 
2.4 A relativistic method
 
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts
of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been
eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl
around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without
danger.
 
3 Experimental Physics Methods
 
3.1 The thermodynamics method
 
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through. This we drag across the desert.
 
3.2 The atomic fission method
 
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.
 
3.3 The magneto-optical method
 
We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the
field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows,
a high iron content.  The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.  Afterwards the
lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the
resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.
 
[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
    Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
    Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion
    except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933),
    pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
    (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid
-- 
 
4 Contributions from Computer Science.
 
4.1 The search method 
 
We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to
the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL
problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to
solve the problem.
 
4.2 The parallel search method.
 
By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the
north much faster than earlier.
 
4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.
 
We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding
neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number
of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability
appear sooner or later.
 
4.4 The practical approach.
 
We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is
particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion.
 
4.5 The common language approach.
 
If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be
trivial to solve.
 
4.6 The standard approach.
 
We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified
a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a
harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for
initial investigastions into this standard development.
 
4.7 Linear search.
 
Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert.  Take one step
east.  Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right
hand edge.  If you reach the right hand edge, take one step
southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge.  When you finally
reach the lion, put it the cage.  If the lion should happen to eat you
before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and
try again.
 
4.8 The Dijkstra approach:
 
The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara
Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:
 
	Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts
	Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara
	Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)
 
We observe the following invariant:
	
	P1:	C(L) v not(C(L))
 
where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.
 
Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement
 
	;cage := {}
 
Note 0:	
This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking
out any lions that happen to be there initially.
(End of note 0.)
 
The obvious program structure is then:
 
	;cage:={}
	;do NOT (C(L)) ->
		;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
		;if P(L) ->
			;"insert lion in cage"
		 [] not P(L) ->
			;skip
		;fi
	;od
 
where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.
 
Note 1:	
Axiom 2 esnures that the loop terminates.
(End of note 1.)
 
Exercise 0:
Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
(End of exercise 0.)
 
Note 2: 
The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to
abortion if the value of L is "lioness".
(End of note 2.)
 
Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you.
(End of remark 0.)
 
Note 3: 
 
>From observation we can see that the above program leads to the
desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to
run it.
(End of note 3.)  
(End of approach.)
 
--
In-Real-Life: John Ioannidis
 
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [email protected]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
 
I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.

        I thought that the following from a USENET signature was
        amusing:
        
        	"Klein bottle for sale...  Inquire within."
        
        From a Charles Martin Hannum II,  [email protected],
        [email protected], [email protected]
        
        A Klein bottle is a type of surface; one of its
        properties is that it has no inside or outside.
        
        Dan

    Tha'ts why I chose the Klein bottle as the title of the piece that I
    won a finalist award for from Massachusetts Artist Foundation.  In the
    story I tell, The Klein BOttle is a Seattle performance group the
    members of which bring their innermost (inside) private lives out into their
    performances for small audiences.
    Tom

>	In the story I tell, The Klein Bottle is a Seattle performance group

	How many members were there?   Could they be also known as
the Klein Viergruppe?

	An acquaintance of mine at college had a glass Klein Bottle made.
He used to keep peanuts 'in' it.

Andrew.

    I have made an imperfect klein bottel in computer graphics; I never
    figured out how to cut the cut the neck goes through,so I cheated, but
    the rendering looks OK.
    Tom
    It only had a few members.  I gotta get that dover book intro to
    topology or something
    Tom

    Incidentally, next friday at MObius, Boston (617) 542 7416,
    at 354 Congress ST., a couple blocks past the children's museum and on
    thefifth floor I will play a video tape and show little photographs of
    computer graphics of pendulum (spirograph, lissajous, ) drawings and
    also the klein bottle rendering and a few other things (two moires done
    with graticules not a computer).  And some mandlebrot drawings made
    with another program (not the vax one but not my own either).
    8PM.
    a few bucks I think.  A couple other performers will do other things;
    one of them is a funny guy that's been on the 10o'clcok news and some
    one else too.
    Tom

        A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a
        large group of peers.  After he's gone through most of it,
        one of the mathematicians says "Wait!  That's not true.  I have
        a counter-example!"
        
        He replies, "That's okay.  I have two proofs."

Path: shlump.nac.dec.com!decuac!haven!aplcen!samsung!cs.utexas.edu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!utzoo!sq!msb
From: [email protected] (Mark Brader)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.british,sci.math,sci.lang
Subject: Re: Terminology
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 21 Mar 90 09:46:19 GMT
References: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected] (Mark Brader)
Followup-To: soc.culture.british
Organization: SoftQuad Inc., Toronto
Lines: 46
Xref: shlump.nac.dec.com soc.culture.british:2141 sci.math:10321 sci.lang:5971
 
Herb Kanner ([email protected]) writes in soc.culture.british
(to which group followups are directed):
 
> During my 8-years stay in England, my wife taught math in several of
> their schools.  We were amazed to find that a trapezoid (U.S.: a
> quadrilateral having two parallel sides) is a trapezium in the U.K.
> Hence, when in the U.K., approximate numberical integration is done by
> using the "trapezium rule."  Naturally, we also found that a trapezium
> (U.S.: a quadrilateral having no parallel sides) becomes a trapezoid
> in the U.K.  Since the British invented the damn language, I must
> assume that some early U.S. teacher got it wrong and we have been
> doing it wrong ever since!
 
So *that's* why I sometimes used to forget which was which!
 
I checked the OED (1st edition and 1986 supplement) on this.
Herb's assumption is almost true, only it was a British writer who
got it wrong, leading to the Americans doing it wrong ever since!
 
"Trapezium" and "trapezoid" are derived from the Greek "trapezion"
and "trapezoeides" respectively; I'll use the English words here.
"Trapezium" is the older term, and was used in Euclid's Elements
(c. 300 BC) to cover *both* meanings.  In c. 450 AD, Proclus wrote
a commentary on the Elements where he introduced the second word,
and he used them in what is now the British sense.
 
The meanings were retained through translation into Latin and English
and indeed many other European languages -- until the year 1795.
In that year, "Hutton's Mathematical Dictionary" appeared.  It said
that "some" people interchanged the two terms -- and then itself went
on to use the interchanged meanings.
 
This book was so influential that from 1800 to 1875 standard British
usage followed it, and standard American usage still does.  Some
geometers preferred to preserve the original meanings, though,
and in Britain they eventually won out.
 
Weird.
 
-- 
Mark Brader		   "... there is no such word as 'impossible' in
SoftQuad Inc., Toronto	    my dictionary.  In fact, everything between
utzoo!sq!msb		  'herring' and 'marmalade' appears to be missing."
[email protected]	    -- Douglas Adams:  Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
 
This article is in the public domain.

	This came across the net from a friend of mine...

	Enjoy.
	~Art

==========================================================================



Editor's Note:

Another good collection of such quotes, entitled "Just think of me as
the mathematical Picasso" compiled by the U of Waterloo's Math newspaper,
can be had (in book form) from:
	MathNews
	c/o Math Society
	University of Waterloo
	Waterloo, ON
	N2L 3G1 

	[email protected]

*******************************************************************************
 
This file contains a list of quotes from people in mathematical or scientific
circles. Please MAIL me any additions you have to it. I do _not_ name either my
sources or the speaker involved though in the latter case I reserve the right
to drop some pretty broad hints.
 
         The Eater of Babies...([email protected])
 
 
*******************************************************************************

1988
 
(contd..)

and another one from a 1A Engineering maths lecture :
"Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing unwanted
 wiggly things."
 
It is said of some things in maths that a mathematician should read the
proofs precisely once.
"I don't want to go into this in detail, but I would like to illustrate some
 of the tedium."
 
>From a _single_ seminar at the King's College Research Centre:
"I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not."
"Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead."
"I can see T is tending to infinity for you as well."
 
"If I am incomprehensible then stop me, but if it's simply wrong then I don't
 think that it matters."
 
>From a supervisor:
"It's a standard question, made a bit harder by adding some A-level stuff."
 
An introduction to the summation convention:
"If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out
 using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have
 problems."
 
 
And from the University of Bath...
 
"A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number
 in both. "
 
"Using some hand-waving and symmetry ideas... "
 
"You haven't written it in green - your notes will be wrong. "
 
"Any Questions? [pause] You all look asleep - what is it,
 hyperglucocemia? Too much sugar on your cornflakes? Not any
 cornflakes? Never mind - I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed, so let's
 continue."
 
 
Meanwhile, back in Cambridge...
 
  "This is known as the 'Toytown solution'.  Actually, there is a more
   technical term for it ..."
 
And from the DPMMS common room...
 
"Of course this is true for more general values of 5"
"Not so much a double coset table, more a pile of junk"
 
A brief conversation -
"What have we not got?"
"No we have not"
"No we don't"
"We have not got not"
"Ah, Not is what we have not got!"
-Agreement followed.
 
...what do they put in the coffee??
 
 
>From an applied maths supervisor (a part III student):
  "All numbers are totally irrelevant, unless you're doing Astrophysics."
  "However well you do [in your Tripos exams] you always find there's someone
   from Trinity who's beaten you."
 
I'm told that countability isn't taught in IA anymore. It doesn't seem to have
been taught to this Part III lecturer at all!
"Damn! I'm running out of integers!"
 
******************************************************************************
1989:
 
Anonymous supervisor, talking about Relativistic Electrodynamics:
"There are some bits at the end of the course I don't really
 understand, but the students don't normally get that far."
 
>From an EIST lecturer:
"When you stick your fingers in the mains, its not the imaginary component
 which you will feel"
 
>From substitute lecturer, replacing the scheduled appearance by Dr. X:
"Good morning.  For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X;
 I am Dr. X's representative on Earth."
 
And from my source in Bath...
 
"Now, I want you to look very carefully at what we have just proved.
 What we have just proved is false." [slight pause while what he has
 just said sinks in] "Oh dear, that's going to go onto the computer,
 isn't it."
 
        [ Fame at last ! ]
 
"I'll give you a clue - it begins with `f' and rhymes with `factor'..."
- Lecturer to a 1st year problem class
 
 "The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away."
 
 "I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either."
 
 "That is the total and absolute generalisation ... well, almost."
 
 
Back in Cambridge, explanations are up to their usual standards...
"Perhaps it would be best if this argument remained a deep mystery to you."
"One property which we know very well happens; a+b=b+c."
    (for all a,b,c?)
"I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate manner."
"What I've talked about today seems to be uniquely incoherent ...
 I never know if you're as baffled as me, or if you're getting along fine."
 
And our first candidate for the Sybil Fawlty prize for "Stating the Bleeding
Obvious":
"g inverse is called an inverse to g."
 
"This is not really a convention, it's just the normal way of doing things."
 
The things Cambridge does to a lecturer...
"Dr. X hasn't lectured a Cambridge group before, so he might be quite
 interesting."
 
"Some students may feel that the contents of Question 33 are both dull and
 useless. I must confess that my first impulse is to reply that it serves them
 right for doing the fast course."
 
>From the wonderful world of IA Natsci:
"Whenever the maths turns out to be impossible, you have to invent new
 physics."
 
A depressed first year...
"I used to be without hope - but now various people have assured me
 that failing the exams is more difficult than Green's functions."
 
"There are ways of managing without cuts, but I do not think the present
 Government is going to find them" - IB Complex variable, October 1979.
 
"I've never tried dividing both sides by infinity before, so here goes."
"It's OK to divide by zero, provided you don't cancel it."
 
"It's a _real_ integer, not just any old integer."
 
For once a quote meant to be humourous:
"To a mathematician, PI is 1 and PI^2 is 10. 2*PI we're not quite sure about."
 
Descriptions of assorted mathematicians:
"He's not just an experimentalist. He's an antitheorist!"
"He gets lost on random walks."
"Some inspired joker - probably Maxwell."
 
"This is the simple form. [pause] Well, it's simple in the sense that it leaves
 out all the really important bits."
 
"...as Poincare' proved at the beginning of this talk..."
 
"This is obvious. But don't look at it too carefully, or it becomes unobvious,
until you look at it for a long time when it becomes obvious again."
 
"I need two hands to wave, not just one."
 
"FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by scientists with real problems."
 
"Suitably interpreted, this is an exact value."
 
And from the depths of historical apocrypha...
Supervisor (drawing a graph): "This function has no nodes."
                              (Pause)
                              "How does it smell?"
 
A good enough philosophy of life:
"Theoretical physicists tend to assume that Nature isn't as malevolent as
 our pure mathematical examiners."
 
The following shouldn't really be here but I couldn't resist it:
Tourist outside DAMTP: "I think it used to be a church."
 
"Bear with me until my starting transient has settled down into doing things
 properly from the notes."
 
"And now, a few examples of fatigue from [my] vast experience."
 
Do we have a Dr. Hobson in the faculty?
"If there is a choice, you've got to do it."
 
"Different may mean the same."
 
Picture this...
"A sphere isn't that simple when you get into higher dimensions
 - it's a bit non-flat."
 
And those fascinating results come thick and fast in this course:
"There are 9 results in there - it looks like it's going to be tedious, and
indeed it is."
 
Sometimes I think they make Quantum Mechanics deliberately obscure...
"There's a number down here which, for the sake of argument, we can
call 1."
 
Precision? What precision?
"We have a correspondence that's nearly one-to-one."
 
And a couple of remarks from the students...
"Mathmos think of engineers a bit like lemmings...
        ...they're both wooly and jump to the wrong conclusions."
"I don't see the point of lecturers talking, except to resolve some of the
 ambiguities in their handwriting."
 
"Various people with suicidal tendencies can even integrate elliptic functions"
 
Said of Algebra III:
"This course could be viewed as 1001 things to do with your favourite matrix"
 
The problems that the maths societies have to overcome to get their audience!
"Why weren't you at the meeting?"
"Because it was boring."
"No it wasn't."
"Well, it _should_ have been!"
 
Oh, the joys of dual lecturing!
"I was going to say 'the cream of the nation's youth', but they're probably at
 the other lecturer."
 
The secret of Pure Mathematics:
"...interpreting out of all recognition..."
 
The black art of applied mathematics...
"It is traditional to leave the notation ambiguous."
...and talking about the black arts...
"For non-deterministic read 'Inhabited by pixies'."
 
And if that wasn't confusing enough...
"I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture."
 
"This is equation 2, which implies that equation 3 comes someplace earlier."
 
"Unless x is a banana or some other such object that commutes with A."
 
And this year's honesty award must surely go for the following two gems from
the same lecturer...
"I'm going to make a small point in the corner of the board [does so], and come
 back to it later!"
And later...
"The thing which caused me to write 'lies' in extremely small letters in the
 corner of the board was..."
 
And later still...
"When you see this, you are entitled to go ` Y'what?! '."
 
A possible candidate for the Tautology Award?
"If we want to take the westerly winds into account, we could also do that
using this method, but then we'd have to take the westerly winds into
account."
 
"This type of rotor is known as a squirrel-cage rotor because the way it's
 wound looks like a bird cage."
 
CompSci meets Zoology?
"What we're trying to do is work things out about elephants."
 
******************************************************************************
1990:
 
A nomination for the Sybil Fawlty "Stating the Bleedin' Obvious" Prize:
"A polynomial f is said to have degree m, written deg f equals m, if it does
 have degree m."
 
Now it is fairly well known that lectures are not supposed to be copied down
mindlessly. But...
"Recall word 2 of defn 2.1"
But then again...
"I know you all have very innocent minds, but occasionally a word should be
allowed to wander through before reaching the paper."
 
And on the subject of teaching styles:
"Proof left as an exercise for your supervisor."
 
And this year's first contenders for the Tautology award:
"It's obvious that what I've just written down is obvious."
"The fixed element can be said to be exactly what it is."
 
Mathematical notation is a minefield of obscure symbols ranging over most
alphabets and scriptstyles. Any guesses for which character was described by an
undergraduate as:
"It's a script spider"?
 
And with the reading problems come the corresponding writing ones suffered by
these lecturers:
"My script 'y's always end up looking like rabbits."
"Little mouse tensored with piece of cheese."
 
However, good notation has its rewards as described by this lecturer:
"The prime leaps on to the other factor in a most convenient fashion."
 
And now, back to the content of the lecture courses:
"You can hardly underestimate the importance of this."
"I've got a lot to say about this theorem, so don't stop me if I go too fast."
"Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is"
 
Three from the same lecturer who is clearly having real problems...
"What am I doing? I haven't written any damn thing yet - I've just written
 total rubbish."
"What am I talking about? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? This
 is rubbish."
"Every time I go to the board with these notes I write down something completely
 different."
 
Hmmm... do I detect someone almost as cynical as myself?
"Theoretical physicist - a physicist whose existence is postulated, to make the
 numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in the laboratory."
 
A IB Chemistry lecturer, refering to a previously derived equation.
"This is rigorous.  Well, it's rigorous in the sense that ... All right,
 it's not rigorous."
 
Certain calulations will always be CPU intensive...
"This principle is sometimes known as assuming the CIA is paying our computing
 bills."
 
Letter from an editor:
"I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper
'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a
delay..."
 
*******************************************************************************

The end (as of 5th July 1990).
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to [email protected]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.

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From: [email protected] (Chris Long)
Newsgroups: sci.math
Subject: A "Math" Trivia Question
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 1 Nov 90 23:47:00 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
Lines: 6
 
 
Came across this ditty on a quiz show:
 
"One-third of all integers are divisible by what number?"
 
-Chris

Re -.1 

>	"One-third of all integers are divisible by what number?"

	And I suppose the answer is supposed to be 3, right.  That's pure
	poppycock, as the question is phrased.

	How do you define a fractional set of the integers?  The definition 
	of equal cardinality is that there be a one to one function (bijection)
	from one set onto the other.  The integers mod 3 have the same 
	cardinality as the integers.  Think about what that means: there are
	the same number of integers as there are those mod 3.  How can they
	(the quiz writers) define a set with a cardinality one-third of that
	of the integers?  

	What they obviously had in mind was that in any large bounded interval
	of the form {n,n+1,n+2,...,m-2,m-1,m}, approximately one-third are
	divisible by 3.  But that is NOT what they said.  Besides, how does one
	quantify "large".

	Maybe that's why you put it in the Bad Math humor note, right?

	Avery

	Q:What's purple and commutes?
	

	
	A: An Abelian grape.

	Q: What's yellow and does trans-finite induction?

	A: Zorn's Lemon.

	re .18,

	Yes, that's why I put the note into this topic.

	Dan

.17>	"One-third of all integers are divisible by what number?"
    
.18>	How do you define a fractional set of the integers?
    
    Well, one way is to use a density definition rather than cardinality.
    In such a case -- a reasonable assumption under the circumstances --
    there are only two correct answers.
    
      John

.17>	"One-third of all integers are divisible by what number?"
.24>    there are only two correct answers.
    
    Lemme guess... 3 and -3.  But the numbers 1, 2, -1, and -2 also work!

P.S.  This *is* supposed to be math humor.

Thanks to all of you who responded to the following question:
 
>Mr. Webster defines a residue as the value created by repeated
>subtraction of a modulus.  Is there a verb to describe this action?
 
I received several classes of answers, that must all be presented:

   [several straight answers deleted...]
 
And finally, the following comment by John Ramsden must be repeated:
 
> More generally, in defining the word "residue", the  indefatigable  Mr
> Webster  probably  had a mental image of an alchemist trying to turn a
> base metal to gold by boiling frogs legs and bat droppings in acid  or
> something  - the end result being a small pile, or "residue" of powder
> at the bottom of the crucible !
 
-- 
Kurt Baudendistel --- GRA
Georgia Tech, School of Electrical Engineering, Atlanta, GA  30332
internet: [email protected]         uucp: gatech!gt-eedsp!baud

From: [email protected] (Math society newsletter)
Subject: A collection of humourous quotes from professors at UW
 
The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the 
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:
 
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
"Yes, I don't have one."
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
		      - E. D'Azevedo Computer Science 372
 
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
		      - C. Durance Computer Science 234
 
"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon."
		      - R. Friesen Chemistry 124
 
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
		      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
 
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
		      - R. Willard Pure Math 430a
 
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone
with it?"
		      - M. Devine Computer Science 340
 
"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?"
		      - R. Friesen Chemistry 124
 
"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you
find that funny?"
		      - D. Taylor Computer Science 350
 
"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 
something child-like."
		      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
 
"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldn't remember the proof."
		      - Baker Pure Math 351a
 
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette."
		      - P. Buhr Computer Science 354
 
"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something."
		      - J. Vanderkooy Physics 122
 
"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is 
a lot of fun."
		      - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
 
"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up."
		      - Forbes Math Elective 102
 
"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today.
I do not give out extensions without good reason."
		      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
 
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
		      - Hepler Systems Design 182
 
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertantly."
		      - J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b
 
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
		      - M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340
 
"We'll call it S for cyclic."
		      - Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b
 
"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it."
		      - F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240
 
"All that was meant to bore you shitless."
		      - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
 
"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
aren't even any property taxes."
		      - J. MacKay Mathematics 134b
 
"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and 'P' on it, right?"
		      - J. Baker Mathematics 234b
 
"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe 
shorter." 
		      - J. MacKay Statistics 332
 
"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?"
"Take out a loan."
		      - C. Durance Computer Science 234
 
And one last student quote to top it off:
prof: "...so the American gouvernment went to IBM to come up with a
data encryption standard and they came up with..."
student: "EBCDIC!"

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!rochester!pt.cs.cmu.edu!o.gp.cs.cmu.edu!andrew.cmu.edu!dd2i+
From: [email protected] (Douglas Michael DeCarlo)
Newsgroups: sci.math
Subject: Re: Ineffable Numbers
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 11 Apr 91 04:42:18 GMT
References: <[email protected]>
Organization: Electrical and Comp. Engineering, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
Lines: 7
In-Reply-To: <[email protected]>
 
> The ineffable numbers are the real numbers that cannot be individually named 
 
> by any finite string of symbols in any language.
 
I'm not sure what you mean.  Could you give an example of one?  :-)
 
- Doug

DAVE BARRY
	Last week I witnessed a chilling example of what U.S. Secretary of
Education Arthur A. Tuberman was referring to in a recent speech when he
said that, in terms of basic mathematics skills, the United States has
become, and I quote, ``a nation of stupids.''
	This incident occurred when my son and I were standing in line at
Toys ``R'' Us, which is what we do for father-son bonding because it
involves less screaming than Little League. Our immediate goal was to
purchase an item that my son really needed, called the Intruder Alert.
This is a battery-operated Surveillance Device that can be placed at
strategic locations around the house; it makes an irritating electronic
shriek when you, the intruder, walk past. This important technological
breakthrough enables the child to get on your nerves even when he is not
home.
	The woman ahead of us wanted to buy four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
drinks, which come in those little cardboard drink boxes that adults
cannot operate without dribbling on themselves, but which small children
can instinctively transform into either drinking containers or squirt
guns. The Toys ``R'' Us price was three drinks for 99 cents, but the
woman wanted to buy FOUR drinks. So the mathematical problem was: How
much should the cashier charge for the fourth box?
	Talk about your brain teasers! The cashier tried staring intently at
the fourth box for a while, as if maybe one of the Ninja Turtles would
suddenly blurt out the answer, but THAT didn't work. Then she got on the
horn and talked to somebody in Management ``R'' Us, but THAT person
didn't know the answer, either. So the cashier made another phone call,
and then another. By now I assumed she was talking to somebody in the
highest echelon of the vast Toys ``R'' Us empire, some wealthy toy
executive out on his giant yacht, which is powered by 176,485 ``D'' cell
batteries (not included).
	Finally the cashier got the word: The fourth box should cost -- I am
not making this up -- 29 cents.
	This is of course ridiculous. As anyone with a basic grasp of
mathematics can tell you, if THREE drinks cost 99 cents, then a FOURTH
drink would cost, let's see, four boxes, divided by 99 cents, carry your
six over here and put it on the dividend, and your answer is ... OK,
your answer is definitely NOT 29 cents.
	And this is not an isolated incident of America's mathematical
boneheadism. In a recent study done by the American Association of
Recent Studies, 74 percent of U.S. high-school students -- nearly half --
were unable to solve the following problem:
	``While traveling to their high-school graduation ceremony, Bill and
Bob decide to fill their undershorts with Cheez Whiz. If Bill wears a
size 32 brief and Bob wears a 40, and Cheez Whiz comes in an eight-ounce
jar, how many times do you think these boys will have to repeat their
senior year?''
	Here is the ironic thing: America produces ``smart'' bombs, while
Europe and Japan do not; yet our young people don't know the answers to
test questions that are child's play for European and Japanese students.
What should be done about this? The American Council of Mathematicians,
after a lengthy study of this problem, recently proposed the following
solution: ``We tell Europe and Japan to give us the test answers, and if
they don't, we drop the bombs on them.''
	Ha ha! Those mathematicians! Still bitter about not having prom
dates! Seriously, though, this nation is a far cry from the America of
the 1950s, when I was a student and we were No. 1 in math and science,
constantly astounding the world with technical innovations such as color
television, crunchy peanut butter and Sputnik. What was our secret? How
did we learn so much?
	The answer is that, back then, math was taught by what professional
educators refer to as: The Noogie Method. At least this was the method
used by Mr. O'Regan, a large man who taught me the times tables. Mr.
O'Regan would stand directly behind you and yell: ``NINE TIMES SEVEN!''
And if you didn't state the answer immediately, Mr. O'Regan would give
you a noogie. You can easily identify us former O'Regan students,
because we have dents in our skulls large enough for chipmunks to nest
in. Some of us also have facial tics: These were caused by algebra,
which was taught by Mr. Schofield, using the Thrown Blackboard Eraser
Method. But the point is that these systems worked: To this day, I can
instantly remember that nine times seven is around 50.
	It's good that I remember my math training, because I can help my
son with his homework. He'll be sitting at the kitchen table, slaving
over one of those horrible pages full of long-division problems, having
trouble, and I'll say: ``You know, Robert, this may seem difficult and
boring now, but you're learning a skill that you'll probably never use
again.'' If more parents would take the time to show this kind of
concern, we Americans could ``stand tall'' again, instead of being a
lazy, sloppy nation where -- prepare to be shocked -- some newspaper
columnists, rather than doing research, will simply make up the name of
the secretary of education.
	
	(C) 1991 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

Did you hear about the mathematician who named his dog "Cauchy" ...

because he left a residue around every pole!

From rec.humor.funny...

>From: [email protected] (Kevin Denelsbeck)
>Subject: new malady
>
>Did you hear about the logician who got a kidney stone from too much dirty
>dancing?  It was diagnosed as a lambada calculus.
>
>Kev @ UNC

    re .31
    
    that should read ...
    
    From rec.humor.punny
    
    :-)

Article 3530 of rec.humor.funny
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Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: Thu, 2 Jul 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: hawk.cs.ukans.edu!billk@apple (Bill Kinnersley)
Subject: The INfamous Bernoulli Trials
Keywords: smirk, science
Approved: [email protected]
Lines: 21

[Original.]
[Prerequisite: Some knowledge of probability theory, or consent of instructor.]

Q. Define "Bernoulli Trials"

A. John and his brother Jacob Bernoulli, both Professors of Mathematics at he
University of Basel, Switzerland in the late 1600's.  Their interests turned
to the Theory of Probability, and in 1694 they were accused of organized
gambling.  

In a well-publicized courtroom appearance, John Bernoulli accused the judge 
of bias, but was overruled.  He then demanded that he and his brother be 
tried *independently*, and this request was granted.

The verdict was a tossup.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to [email protected].

Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.

    "Anybody who thinks P = NP hasn't had to look at many VMS crashdumps."
    

    Posted outside the mathematics reading room, Troms� University, Norway.
    
    "We have not succeeded in answering all our problems. The answers we
    have found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some
    way we feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused
    on a higher level and about more important things."

    OK, John I'll bite... What does .34 mean...?
    
    
    --  Barry (who didn't really understand .33 either)

>                     -< Duh... I don't understand >-
>
>    OK, John I'll bite... What does .34 mean...?
>    
>    --  Barry (who didn't really understand .33 either)

.33>    "Anybody who thinks P = NP hasn't had to look at many VMS crashdumps."
    
    that is a tough one, i think it means something like this:
    anyone who thinks the set of decision problem that we can solve in
    deterministic polynomial time is the same as the set of decision
    problems solvable by non-deterministic polynomial time, need to 
    look at VMS dumps, because there are so many of them that are 
    undeterministic , i.e. really weird, bugs that cant be deterministically
    explained , while the ones that are determinstic, and can be explained
    due to reasons of non-fussy operations done by VMS are so small !

    or something like along those lines.

    /Nasser

    Article: 30129
    Path:
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    From: [email protected] (Kai Voigt)
    Newsgroups: sci.math
    Subject: Re: Mathematical Tattoos
    Message-ID: <[email protected]>
    Date: Thu, 16 Jul 92 18:56:35 MED
    References: <[email protected]>
    Distribution: world
    Organization: World Violation, Inc.
    Lines: 27
    
    [email protected] (Chris Long) writes:
    
    >
    > If you were to get a mathematical tattoo, what would it be?
    >
    > My votes would be for:
    >   e^(pi*i) = -1
    >   P(n) ~ n/ln(n)
    >   n! ~ sqrt(2*pi*n)*(n/e)^n
    >   Green's theorem (in notation)
    >   Cauchy's integral formula (in notation)
    >   Gaussian distribution (in notation)
    >
    What about       'For all epsilon there is a delta.'   ??? :-)
    
    Kai.
                        
    

    How about the proof of the Four-color Map Theorem?
    
    Guess I'd have to put on a couple of hundred pounds though... ;-)
    
    
    --  Barry

    iam wandering if someone tatoos a mathematical formula on themselves
    and goes for a math test, will they be allowed to enter the test,
    or will that be considered cheating?

    something to thing about before going ahead and getting the tatoo.
    /nasser

My idea for a math tattoo:

	a nice portion of the something-set, you know, the thing where you
	do a complex function and see how many times the point takes to reach
	2, and map it into a color ?  The name slips my mind (I hate when that
	happens) ...

/Eric

    re .40-.42
    
    skip the tatoo, buy a tee-shirt with a picture of a portion of the
    Mandelbrot or Juli� sets.  Advertised in Scientific American, about
    4/5'ths of the way from front to back.  Small ad with colored pix.
    
    Dick

    Actually, I have been holding out for a Mandelbr�t tie.  I can not
    figure out why no one has come out with one yet.
    
    --  Barry

    Barry,
    
    Even with a Mandelbrot on it, I would still avoid wearing a tie!  :-)
    
    Dick

Well, go to Filene's mens dept. in Newton Ma. (Chestnut Hill Mall).  I've
never seen such a *huge* selection of ties.  If not Mandelbrot, you'll certainly
find a pattern similar enough to fool people with.

(I usually don't wear ties either, but I like to occasionally wear one to
work for the affect.  "interviewing, eh?"     "wow, look at that tie!"  etc.
)


/Eric

from the enet:
     
	Might as well tell a really old math joke, (one that post slide rule
	people might not catch.)
 
	After the ark landed, Noah told all the animals, "go forth and multi-
	ply." So they left, two by two.
 
	Some time later Noah and his sons were checking on how babies were
	coming and checked by the snakes. No little ones. Noah asked why.
	"We can't multiply," said the male snake, "We're Adders!"
 
	Noah and his sons felt so sorry for the snakes that they cut down
	some trees and made a log house for the snakes, along with some
	furniture, then left.
 
	Some time later, on the second check, Noah found the house full of
	little snakes. "But you said you couldn't multiply?" said Noah.
 
	"Oh yes," said the male snake, "that's why we were so happy when you
	gave us those log tables."
 
   Frank R. Borger - Physicist    __       Internet:  [email protected]
Michael Reese - Univ. of Chicago |___      Phone : 312-791-8075 fax : 567-7455
  Center for Radiation Therapy   | |_) _   Buy old masters. They bring better
                                   | \|_)  prices than young mistresses. -
    "Birthplace of Softball"          |_)  Lord Beaverbrook
    

From: [email protected] (Paul Barton-Davis)
Subject: are you now, or have you ever been ....

	
	"In fiscal year 1991, government agencies classified
	 as secret a total of 7,107,017 documents. This marks
	 the first time that the total number of reported
         classification decisions in a year is a palindrome."

  		1991 Annual Report to the President
		  by the Information Security Oversight Office,
			a division of the GAO.

                (care of Secrecy & Government Bulletin 
                          via Harpers, October 1992)

Speaking of palindromes, did you know that the first conversation between
Adam and Eve was in palindromes ?

Adam:	Madam, I'm Adam.

Eve:	Eve.




Another I like is the following sentence (which I doubt Adam or Eve
uttered):


	Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog !

    I though that Eve's reply was:

	Name no one, Man.

				    Topher

[numerous forwarding headers deleted]
.....................................................................
The following column appeared in the Chicago Tribune / DuPage County edition
Tuesday June 29 1993 page 2-1.

Math Riots Prove Fun Incalculable
/by/ Eric Zorn

/begin italics/
News Item (June 23) -- Mathematicians worldwide were excited and pleased
today by the announcement that Princeton University professor Andrew Wiles had
finally proved Fermat's Last Theorem, a 365-year-old problem said to be the
most famous in the field.
/end italics/

Yes, admittedly, there was rioting and vandalism last week during the
celebration. A few bookstores had windows smashed and shelves stripped, and
vacant lots glowed with burning piles of old dissertations. But overall we
can feel relief that it was nothing -- nothing -- compared to the outbreak of
exuberant thuggery that occurred in 1984 after Louis DeBranges finally proved
the Bieberbach Conjecture.

"Math hooligans are the worst," said a Chicago Police Department spokesman.
"But the city learned from the Bieberbach riots. We were ready for them this
time."

When word hit Wednesday that Fermat's Last Theorem had fallen, a massive show
of force from law enforcement at universities all around the country headed
off a repeat of the festive looting sprees that have become the traditional
accompaniment to triumphant breakthroughs in higher mathematics.

Mounted police throughout Hyde Park kept crowds of delirious wizards at the
University of Chicago from tipping over cars on the midway as they first
did in 1976 when Wolfgang Haken and Kenneth Appel cracked the long-vexing
Four-Color Problem. Incidents of textbook-throwing and citizens being pulled
from their cars and humiliated with difficult story problems last week were
described by the university's math department chairman Bob Zimmer as
"isolated."

Zimmer said, "Most of the celebrations were orderly and peaceful. But there
will always be a few -- usually graduate students -- who use any excuse to
cause trouble and steal. These are not true fans of Andrew Wiles."

Wiles himself pleaded for calm even as he offered up the proof that there is
no solution to the equation x^n + y^n = z^n when n is a whole number greater
than two, as Pierre de Fermat first proposed in the 17th Century. "Party
hard but party safe," he said, echoing the phrase he had repeated often in
interviews with scholarly journals as he came closer and closer to completing
his proof.

Some authorities tried to blame the disorder on the provocative taunting of
Japanese mathematician Yoichi Miyaoka. Miyaoka thought he had proved Fermat's
Last Theorem in 1988, but his claims did not bear up under the scrutiny of
professional referees, leading some to suspect that the fix was in. And ever
since, as Wiles chipped away steadily at the Fermat problem, Miyaoka scoffed
that there would be no reason to board up windows near universities any time
soon; that God wanted Miyaoka to prove it.

In a peculiar sidelight, Miyaoka recently took the trouble to secure a U.S.
trademark on the equation "x^n + y^n = z^n " as well as the now-ubiquitous
expression "Take that, Fermat!" Ironically, in defeat, he stands to make a
good deal of money on cap and T-shirt sales.

This was no walk-in-the-park proof for Wiles. He was dogged, in the early
going, by sniping publicity that claimed he was seen puttering late one night
doing set theory in a New Jersey library when he either should have been
sleeping, critics said, or focusing on arithmetic algebraic geometry for the
proving work ahead.

"Set theory is my hobby, it helps me relax," was his angry explanation.  The
next night, he channeled his fury and came up with five critical steps in his
proof. Not a record, but close.

There was talk that he thought he could do it all by himself, especially when
he candidly referred to University of California mathematician Kenneth Ribet
as part of his "supporting cast," when most people in the field knew that
without Ribet's 1986 proof definitively linking the Taniyama Conjecture to
Fermat's Last Theorem, Wiles would be just another frustrated guy in a tweed
jacket teaching calculus to freshmen.

His travails made the ultimate victory that much more explosive for math
buffs. When the news arrived, many were already wired from caffeine consumed
at daily colloquial teas, and the took to the streets en masse shouting,
"Obvious! Yessss! It was obvious!"

The law cannot hope to stop such enthusiasm, only to control it. Still,
one has to wonder what the connection is between wanton pillaging and a
mathematical proof, no matter how long-awaited and subtle.

The Victory Over Fermat rally, held on a cloudless day in front of a crowd of
30,000 (police estimate: 150,000) was pleasantly peaceful.  Signs unfurled in
the audience proclaimed Wiles the greatest mathematician of all time, though
partisans of Euclid, Descartes, Newton, and C.F. Gauss and others argued the
point vehemently.

A warmup act, The Supertheorists, delighted the crowd with a ragged song, "It
Was Never Less Than Probable, My Friend," which included such gloating, barbed
verses as --- "I had a proof all ready / But then I did a choke-a / Made
liberal assumptions / Hi! I'm Yoichi Miyaoka."

In the speeches from the stage, there was talk of a dynasty, specifically that
next year Wiles will crack the great unproven Riemann Hypothesis ("Rie-peat!
Rie-peat!" the crowd cried), and that after the Prime-Pair Problem, the
Goldbach Conjecture ("Minimum Goldbach," said one T-shirt) and so on.

They couldn't just let him enjoy his proof. Not even for one day. Math people.
Go figure 'em.

/end of article/

re .51
    
>finally proved Fermat's Last Theorem, a 365-year-old problem said to be the
    
    It's 356 years old.

Date: Fri, 13 Aug 93 00:10:41 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[email protected]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #582-10
 
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <[email protected]>
 
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oracle Most Wise, whose triangles always sum to *at least* 180 degrees,
> please answer my humble query:
>
> Which version of Euclid's fifth proposition is your favourite?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> A. M. Junkie
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} I'm rather partial to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle version of
} Euclid's 5th postulate:
}
}  Given a line and a point not on a line, the odds are pretty good you
}  won't know the momentum of the point real well, so you may or may not
}  be able to run another line through the point (oh great; now you don't
}  know the momentum of the point AT ALL) that is parallel to the first
}  line (but then you don't know its momentum either; what a mess!), at
}  least not to within Planck's constant.
}
} Then there's the version based on Ian Malcolm's non-explanation of
} chaos theory in Jurassic Park:
}
}  Given a line and -- are you following me so far? -- a point -- you
}  know what a point is, right?  How about a strange attractor?  A
}  fractal dimension?  Want some more buzz words that sound intelligent?
}  -- not on a line, well, give me your hand.  Soft.  Very good.  Anyway,
}  we have this line, see, and a point that -- now here's the tricky part
}  the point is not on the line, not at all; not even all that close,
}  really, but I'm sure someone as attractive as you knows all about that
}  -- sorry for the pun -- my point is -- sorry about that pun, too -- my
}  point is that mathematics is chaotic so mankind shouldn't be messing
}  around with it unless you can get at least a best seller and a movie
}  version with a $200 million gross out of it.  See what I mean?
}
} Of course, some people enjoy the Pythonesque version:
}
}  Now look, my good man, I took this line and this point, like you so
}  callously recommended, and I passed another line through the point,
}  -- not on the first line, and now that line is dead!  It's deceased!
}  It's defunct!  It's met its Maker!  It's shuffled off it's mortal coil
}  and joined the choir invisible!  This is an ex-line!
}
} How about the Star Trek version?
}
}  Kirk: Spock, what do your sensors tell you about this region of space?
}  Have we entered (insert overly dramatic gesture here) a *parallel*
}  universe?
}
}  Spock: Captain, by definition, that is impossible.  Parallel
}  universes, like parallel lines, cannot intersect.
}
}  Bones: Why you inhuman, pointy-eared, green blooded Vulcan!  This is
}  television!  Parallel universes intersect all the time in television!
}
}  Worf:  That's true.  Remember when the Enterprise C came through that
}  rift in space ...
}
}  Kirk:  A Klingon!  Phasers on Once_Over_Lightly!  Fire!
}
}  Spock: Klingon, your appearance here is illogical.
}
}  Q:  Especially since he wasn't even in the "Yesterday's Enterprise"
}  episode.  But you poor, pathetic humans wouldn't know about that,
}  would you?
}
}  Kirk: (puffs up his chest in a manly fashion)  Hey, what are you doing
}  on my ship?
}
}  Q: I'm waiting for someone to make an actual statement, so I can show
}  how omnipotent I am by violating it.  I should have known you would
}  all be so boring in the meantime.
}
}  Kirk:  Scotty, get us out of here!
}
}  Scotty: But Captain, I canna change the laws of physics!  I've got to
}  have thirty minutes, minus commercials!
}
}  Kirk:  Scotty--
}
}  Uhura:  Captain, I'm not frightened, but if I don't act scared I don't
}  get any lines.
}
}  Oracle: (materializes on the bridge) All right, everybody out!  I've
}  had more than enough of this.  This answer has gotten entirely too
}  silly.  You're all cancelled.  Now get out!
}
}  (various grumbles are heard as the actors leave the set)
}
} Well, supplicant, there's your answer, sort of.  Anyway, you owe the
} Oracle pictures of Euclid, Gauss, Bolyai, and Lobachevsky, all
} spinning in their graves.

(From the HOPOS-L mailing list)  ... also posted in ::PHILOSOPHY
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a nice specimen in a related area (from the First Valencia
Meeting on Bayesian Statistics):

Verse 1:        The model, the data you can't wait to see
                The theta, beta, sigma, and the rho
                The Normal, the Poisson, the Cauchy, the t
                The need to specify what you don't know
                The likelihood for data you acquire
                The perspicacious choosing of the prior

Refrain:        There's no theorem like Bayes' theorem
                Like no theorem we know
                Everything about it is appealing
                Everything about it is a wow
                Let out all that a priori feeling
                You've been concealing right up to now

                There's no people like Bayes people
                All odd balls from the urn
                The other day you thought that you had got it straight
                Take my advice and don't celebrate
                A paradox by Lindley could arrive quite late
                Another Stone to unturn

Refrain:        There's no theorem like Bayes' theorem
                Like no theorem we know
                You can lose foreover that perplexed look
                If you start to study it right now
                Even more enthralling than a sex book
                You'll find that textbook by Box and Tiao

                There's no dogma like Bayes' dogma
                It's great knowing you're right
                We know of a fiducialist who knew the lot
                We thought at first he had hit the spot
                But after three more seminars we lost the plot
                We just could not see the light

Refrain:        There's no theorem like Bayes' theorem
                Like no theorem we know
                Fisher felt its use was quite restricted
                Except in making family plans for mice
                But there, he said, for pinning down a zygote
                I'd give it my vote and not think twice



                There're no answers like Bayes' answers
                Transparent, clear and precise
                Stein's conundrums you can solve without a blink
                Best estimators in half a wink
                You can even understand what makes 'em shrink
                Their properties are so nice

Verse 2:        There's Raiffa and Schlaifer, Mosteller & Pratt
                There's Geisser, Zellner, Novick, Hill and Tiao
                And these all are people who know what they're at
                They represent Statistics' finest flower
                And tho' on nothing else they could agree
                With us they'd join and sing in harmony

Refrain:        There's no theorem like Bayes' theorem
                Like no theorem we know
                Just recall what Pearson said to Neyman
                Emerging from a region of type B
                "It's difficult explaining to the Lehmann
                I fear it lacks Bayes' simplicity".

                There's no haters like Bayes' haters
                They spit when they see a prior
                Be careful when you offer your posterior
                They'll try to kick it right through the door
                But turn the other cheek if it is not too sore
                Of error they may yet tire

Refrain:        There's no theorem like Bayes' theorem
                Like no theorem we know
                Critics carp at Bayes' hesitation
                Claiming that his doubts on what he'd done
                Led to late posthumous publication
                We will explain that to everyone

                When Bayes got up to Heaven
                He asked for an interview
                Jehovah quickly told him he had got it right
                Bayes popped down earthwards at dead of night
                His spectre ceded Richard Price the copyright
                Its very strange but its true!

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% Subject:      Thanks, Query, and a song on Bayes
% To: Multiple recipients of list HOPOS-L <[email protected]>