Conference rocks::weight_control

756.0. "Humour" by ASICS::LESLIE (Argh! Where's my security blanket?) Wed Jul 15 1992 15:08

                        THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
                        WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
                        ======================
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 ACTIVITY           CALORIES BURNED         ACTIVITY            CALORIES BURNED
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
REMOVING CLOTHES:                        ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
 With partner's consent..........12       Shoes flew off...................35
 Without partner's consent......187       Expression didn't change.........1/2
                                          Orchestra swelled.................6
UNHOOKING BRA:                            Birds sang
 Using two calm hands.............7        Large birds......................7
 Using one trembling hand........36        Small birds......................3
                                          Earth moved......................30
GETTING INTO BED:
 Lifting partner.................15      PULLING OUT:
 Dragging partner along floor....16       After orgasm......................1/2
 Using skateboard.................3       A few moments before orgasm......500
 
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:                     PENIS ENVY:
 For normal healthy man...........2.5     For woman..........................3
 Losing erection.................14       For men...........................72
 Searching for it...............115
                                         GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM:                        Despite no formal training,orgasm
 With erection....................1.5     comes easily,naturally............53
 Without erection...............300       You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                          fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:                      starving...........................2
 If the woman who does it is              Sex on your lunch hour.............3
  Experienced.....................6       Puttting it on expense account....20
  Inexperienced..................73
 If a man does it...............680      AGGRAVATION:
 Add (5) calories for retreiving it       Partner keeps showing plants.......5
 from accross the room.                   Partner insists on cuddling the dog
                                          during foreplay...................14
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:       Partner just visited bathroom for
 Italian- Man on top,woman in             7th time..........................10
 kitchen.........................26       Partner is taking phone calls......7
 Russian- Woman on bottom,                Partner is making phone calls.....40
 Man getting permission..........55
 American- Both on top...........60      GETTING CAUGHT:
                                          By partner's spouse...............60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:     By your spouse...................100
 Bouncing.........................7       Trying to explain.................55
 Sliding around...................9       Trying to remain calm............100
 Serious skidding................12       Leaping out of bed................75
 Whiplash........................27       Getting dressed in one motion....500
                                          Thanking partner quickly...........2
ORGASM:
 Real............................27
 Faked..........................160


    

    If anyone is offended by -1, just let me know, I'll delete it.

Hahaha.  That was great. Unfortunately, it appears that my sex life (fully
consensual, guilt-free and no spouses involved) is a fairly low-calorie
burning activity. I guess I'll have to work on this...or find some other
form of excercise.

D!

    I think it's a riot Andy!   :-)

    That was cute, but you forgot the problem that some of us encounter
    when we are involved in long-term, monogomous relationships, no not
    sexual boredom (an oxymoron if ever I heard one) but going out for
    bagels afterwards or (for those of us REALLY married) considering devil
    dogs acceptable foreplay!!!
    
    Sylvia

HI Sylvia,

Inquiring minds want to know......

	Just what *is* a 'devil dog'?

Jan

    A devil dog is a truly evil creation which they sell in vending
    machines and such around here.  It is two "devil's Food Cakes"
    (chocolate cakes) with "creme" between them.  (Here's something that'll
    keep you from being tempted: the creme is really lard whipped with
    sugar.  mmmm.)
    
    Diana

    RE:  .5, Jan, who remembers what these things are, they are vestigial
    memories from my "other life".  Mallomars, devil dogs, oreos, yes, as
    Diana reminds us are made with LARD and so, aren't even kosher, forget
    so far from the WW program they probably don't HAVE exchange
    equivalents...but on a muggy, hot Tuesday when I am stuck in the office
    and not swimming or frolicking as the original note in this file
    advocated, a woman can DREAM...

Since I'm neither a chocoholic nor a lard fanatic, I think I can safely
say these won't be a temptation.

dough-nuts are altogether a different matter.

Thanks for the info, though.  Its funny, I just read a second Stephen
King novel where one or more characters thought these things were
ambrosia.  Things that make you go hmmmmmm.....

Jan

    .0 describes ambrosia. Chocolate vs. sex is no contest - if you're
    doing it right :-)
    
    /a

    Depends on the chocolate.
    
    Diana

    Either you're found really good chocolate or really mediocre sex.

:-)  And don't you just wonder?  :-)

D!

    I must say, it's one of the great joys of this life that I'll never
    have to choose.