Conference rocks::weight_control

489.0. "A new diet!" by COOKIE::WILCOX (Database Systems/West) Mon Aug 07 1989 14:33

			Reprinted without permission.


/* Written 10:01 am  Aug  3, 1989 by [email protected] in S56:misc.kids */
/* ---------- "New Infants Miracle Diet" ---------- */
 
		NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
 
	Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet.  The
	trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the
	starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid
	diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
 
	Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after
	three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is
	all over.  Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your
	friends that you've got a gland problem?  Or is there a slim hope?
	Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
 
	Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year
	olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee
	and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.  After
	consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught
	mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive,
	offers great variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on
	the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor, otherwise
	you might have to see him afterward.
 
	FIRST DAY:
	Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly.
	Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
	floor.  Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face
	and clothes.
	Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
	glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
	Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale
	beer.
	Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen
	floor.
 
	SECOND DAY:
	Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat.  Drink
	half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
	Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to
	be eaten not smoked).  Ice cube if desired.
	After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
	and drop it in the dirt.  Retrieve it and continue slurping until
	it is clean again.  Bring it inside and drop it on the rug.
	Dinner: A rock or and an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
	up your left nostril.  Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with
	spoon.
 
	THIRD DAY:
	Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers,
	rub fingers in hair.  Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes
	in glass.  After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz
	and put on cushion of your best chair.
	Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit
	several bites onto the floor.  Pour milk on table and slurp up.
	Dinner: dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine,
	coffee.
 
	LAST DAY:
	Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
	an olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup
	sugar.  When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
	Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet,
	including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday. One soft drink.
	Find sucker and finish eating it.
	Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on
	plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.
/* End of text from S56:misc.kids */
 
 
========================================================================
Received: from en-c06.prime.com by decwrl.dec.com (5.54.5/4.7.34)
	id AA05108; Fri, 4 Aug 89 10:01:57 PDT
Received: from en-c06.prime.com by decwrl.dec.com (5.54.5/4.7.34)
	for loptsn::ferwerda; id AA05108; Fri, 4 Aug 89 10:01:57 PDT
Received: from NET.Prime.COM by EN-C06.Prime.COM; 04 Aug 89 13:05:42 EDT
Received: from S56.Prime.COM by NET.Prime.COM; 04 Aug 89 13:03:02 EST
Received: (from user ALLEN) by S56.Prime.COM; 04 Aug 89 13:02:14 EDT

    That is hysterical!! I love it!!!!!
    

    Great diet!  That was very funny, thanks for posting it!  I'm still
    laughing!

    	I'm posting it!

    I don't know about eating the cigarette, but everything else seem
    nutritious 8^)......