Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    Kathy,
    
    DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! Get affa-davids(sp) outta all these folks
    who have seen the ex in her acts. To keep it air tight, you have to
    lock down all! You have to get all verbal observations on paper. For
    when it comes to court time, many develope amnesia(sp). They don't want
    to get involved suddenly. While the iron is hot, and all are spouting
    in your behalf, get them to put it to paper ASAP!!
    
    

    
    At the very least try to extend the Temporary custody order.
    Maybe six months!  Do what Re:1 advised.
    Your daughter may want to live with if you ask her.  What a difficult
    situation.  Good luck.
                                                    Bill    
                                 
                                            
     

    Sometimes the daughter might say that she would like to live with you.
    And that life might be less of a helter skelter world in your abode
    than with dear maamaa. 
    
    Children need security as well as many other things in life. And even a
    14 year old probably wouldn't mind trading a secure life style vs a
    wild and wooly one.
    
    

    It gets even better, the ex's lawyer went in today and had the
    temporary order reversed.  The ex wrote a letter, saying she does not
    have a drinking problem, it was a misunderstanding.  That was good
    enough for the same judge and thats it.   Oh well, so much for the best
    interest of the child.
    

    Firstly - I don't want to sound critical, but have you asked the child 
    what she wants ? She's 14 and gets a say in this. Perhaps she would be
    happier staying with mom if mom really did get her act together.
    
    The only arguement for a custody change is a real (not imagined or
    hearsay) threat to the child's safety. It is not done lightly and this 
    should be seen as a process, and not a problem that is going to be 
    solved overnight whatever happens.
    
    You are right - her lawyer will make strong statements to the effect 
    that she has realized the error of her ways and is making every effort 
    to rehabilitate herself. In fact this might just be the shock she needs
    to wake up. 
    
    Her lawyer will also question your motives. If there is a real threat 
    then why haven't you done anything about it before ? Are you just trying 
    to get out of paying child support ?
    
    In my opinion the most significant part of your note is that the ex's
    own mother is very concerned about it. As a witness she is very
    powerful and may tip the scales, especially since she can verify that this
    is not a one off aberation and has been going on for years.
    
    The previous noter is right - people do not want to get involved. You
    can solve this by sending her a subpeona to attend. That way it's not
    voluntary and she is not responsible to explain her to her own daughter
    why she was a witness against her.
    
    I suggest that you request a lengthy (at least 6 months) temporary custody
    change to establish that mom really has made efforts to improve her ways. 
    At that point the situation should be reviewed and brought before the 
    court again. It's up to mom what she does - whether she gets custody
    back or you get it permanently.
    
    I don't think you should request a GAL unless it looks like you are
    losing your arguement. But frankly I think the court will probably want
    one to investigate the case and report back, normally inside of 1 month.
    
    The GAL can look at the whole issue and interview anyone that has any
    knowledge of the girl pretty much without limitation (school teachers, 
    pediatrician, neighbors, relatives, religious leader, you, any other 
    children in either family unit etc) and make a recommendation. It's up to 
    you to ensure they are introduced to the people you want them to talk to. 
    
    It has been my experience that they take a rosy view of life so be 
    prepared for that eventuality.
    
    Martin
    
    
     
     
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    I just read .4 and frankly this is what most of us have come to expect
    of the probate courts. But if this child is at risk you must get back 
    into court now. 
    
    Her letter is great because you can now prove (through her own mother)
    that she lied to the court which doesn't do much for her credibility,
    e.g. why should anyone believe her when she says she will get help for
    her problem when she is denying it ? 
    
    Martin
    
    
    

    I would like to bring up two points on this note.
    
    1) I had my children write letters to the court also.  It went from my
       lawyer and directly to her lawyer.  Then all hell broke loose.  My
       children received physical, verbal and emotional abuse from my ex
       and her sister.  I even had the police report where the police
       was able to see the handprint of my ex still across my daughter
       face.  It was documented as a mother-daughter fight 
    
    2) When the letters were presented to the court officials, the court
       mediator's first response was "obviously you coerced your children
       into writing these letters, as no child wants to leave their
       mother".  The Judge also made the same comment when he "reviewed" 
       the letters.  It took another six months of "investigations" by
       a GAL (child psychologist) who was able to cut through all the 
       comments and see that the children's wishes were being followed
       though with.
    
    I would just be careful about putting this child in the same situation
    my children were in, considering the mother sounds like my ex. It also
    depend on the child, but my two stood up for each other and watched out
    for each other.
    
    The net results of an anxious several months, I have been custodial
    parent for 5.5 years and relishing in the fact they have done quite
    well.  And looking back there is not another way I would have done it.
    
    Ken
    

    
    On June 28, they went into court.   Judge denied the temporary custody
    order but appointed a GAL.   Her lawyer also tried to get legal fees of
    $1600.00 but the judge denied it.  We were very relieved because any
    other time she's gone for legal fees, she's gotten them.   Ken, could
    you send me mail on the name of the GAL that was used in your case.
    We have been assigned one from North Andover and I'm curious to see if
    it is the same one.    This is already getting nasty, the ex is already
    making absurd accusations, 	 I can just imagine what crap she is going
    to be feeding the GAL.   We're getting nervous about people backing off
    now that push is coming to shove.  Can people refuse to talk to this 
    GAL if they don't want to get involved.   The GAL was chosen by the
    judge, our lawyer and her lawyer submitted names and the judge made
    the actual decision.  Thanks.
    
    Kathy

    Wish I could offer some other helpful advice here, but the best thing
    I can offer at this point is something I heard recently:

    Sometimes there is a peace that lies only on the other side of war.

    Also you need to take special account on what you consider success.
    The primary concern here is he safety of the child.  I found after
    my second round of court battles that, even though I didn't get 
    custody, the behavior that most concerned me came to a screeching
    halt.
    
    fred();